Morrissey Fires Opening Act After Onstage Banter Involving “Good Head” and “Cunnilingus”

Answer: Morrissey and ‘The Donald.’

Question: Name two improbably quiffed megalomaniacs who like to say, “You’re fired.”

When he's not boycotting Canada for its seal hunting policies, he's playing about with right-wing and fascist imagery. When he’s not milking former bandmates out of royalties, he’s winning “most ‘Northern’ male” polls. And when he's not being coy and aloof about his sexual orientation or proclaiming celibacy, he apparently punishes others for making off-the-cuff comments about his oblique animalistic leanings.

You have got to hand it to Morrissey; the man pulls more stunts to insure that his name remains in the public eye than Madonna. Instead of fading into the twilight of his career as a fat caricature of himself, he seems hell bent on staying relatively vital. Like all guarded prima donnas, Morrissey likes to keep his friends close and his enemies, er, off his opening stage.

KRISTEENYOUNG, a keyboard-and-drums duo fronted by one Kristeen Young, have been asked to leave Mozza’s current U.S. tour after an onstage incident October 23 at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Apparently, when confronted by the nightly barrage of “Morrissey!” yelps from the audience, Young responded with, “Morrissey gives good head... oops, I mean cunnilingus.” Hmm, not particularly rude by today’s standards, but offensive enough for the boss to take action.

In response, Kristeen posted this one and only note about the dismissal on her band’s MySpace Friday:

My band, KRISTEENYOUNG, have been asked to leave the Morrissey tour. Although I have been advised not to respond or issue a statement, my feelings are that I must. We have been asked to leave because of something I said on stage at The Hammerstein Ballroom, in New York City, this past Tuesday night. Unfortunately, the statement has been perceived as being profane (when, actually, one of the two words in question is a scientific term found in junior high, health class text books, and the other word, I feel most would agree, is lightweight slang) or defamatory. What I said was part of a thread of stage statements I made throughout our set. They were metaphorical and overstated to make an artistic point. The “offending” statement, in particular, was in no way a literal statement, and was very much in keeping with the tone of my writing in general. I reach for beauty and intelligence in my lyrics, but try to retain a bit of the everyday in them. Maybe the statement was a bit TOO everyday. Maybe I misjudged…but I meant no harm. I love Morrissey with all of my heart, soul body, spirit, to the core of my existence and always will. These will be the only words I will ever write or speak on the subject ever again. Please don’t ask for an interview or e-mail me with questions. Thanks to those who understand and who are brave enough to say so.

I don’t know about the “metaphorical” aspect or “artistic point” of Young’s chosen onstage banter that night or how it ties into her writing as a whole (I’ve never heard KRISTEENYOUNG), but I gotta stand by the woman in this fight. Morrissey, in keeping with his usual pattern of hiring either piss-poor opening acts or those who have some sort of direct worship reference point to his own or The Smiths’ music, has taken on Austin trio Girl in a Coma to provide support in place of KRISTEENYOUNG. You will have to decide for yourself which category of “Morrissey opening band” they fall into when you rush off to see them during these remaining U.S. tour dates:

Stylus Magazine: 2002-2007

"Stylus will no longer be publishing after October 31." - Stylus

Music and movie criticism won't be the same without Stylus. We'll miss you, Stylus!

I'm sure most of you have been following this, but let me bring you up to speed on the serious stuff goin' down in the file-sharing world.

A large invite-only file-sharing site called OiNK was shut down October 23 by the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (IFPI) and the British Phonographic Industry (BPI) (TMT News). The admin of the site, Alan Ellis, was taken into custody, but so far neither he nor any OiNK users, leakers, or donors have been charged. Ellis is now released from custody (TMT News), and speaking to The Daily Telegraph, he said, “I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t believe my website breaks the law. They don’t understand how it works."

Okay, so OiNK as we knew it will probably remain permanently shut down, but TorrentFreak.com is now reporting that the internet's biggest torrent tracker The Pirate Bay is asking all former OiNK users to re-upload their torrents to a new torrent tracker called BOiNK, which will be located at http://boink.cd. It's expected to launch within a week.

Although BOiNK is technically an exclusive Pirate Bay project, it will rely heavily on former OiNK users to to build up its library. And unlike OiNK, BOiNK will be open to the public. According to TorrentFreak, "The most important thing about BOiNK is perhaps the message it sends out to the IFPI and the BPI: It shows that that if you stop one tracker, others will pop up days after. It is a hydra. Call it a slap in the face if you want."

Some people, of course, are skeptical about BOiNK. According to one user: "It wont be OiNK. There will just be hoards of transcoded, non-seeded, mislabled, shit uploaded. This is why OiNK existed, as a reliable source of good quality music, which 'BOiNK' won't be." Another called it "Pirate Bay II."

And speaking of raids, The Pirate Bay also experienced a high-profile raid last year, when the site's Stockholm servers were raided by the Swedish police. The documentary Steal This Film argued the raid was due to the pressure on Sweden by the Hollywood film industry, which used its leverage to threaten economic sanctions by the U.S. government on Sweden through the WTO. But the raid didn't really do anything but make The Pirate Bay even stronger and more popular than ever. Nonetheless, earlier this year, prosecutor Håkan Roswall says he still intends to press charges against The Pirate Bay.

Good luck.

I'm sure most of you have been following this, but let me bring you up to speed on the serious stuff goin' down in the file-sharing world.

A large invite-only file-sharing site called OiNK was shut down October 23 by the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (IFPI) and the British Phonographic Industry (BPI) (TMT News). The admin of the site, Alan Ellis, was taken into custody, but so far neither he nor any OiNK users, leakers, or donors have been charged. Ellis is now released from custody (TMT News), and speaking to The Daily Telegraph, he said, “I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t believe my website breaks the law. They don’t understand how it works."

Okay, so OiNK as we knew it will probably remain permanently shut down, but TorrentFreak.com is now reporting that the internet's biggest torrent tracker The Pirate Bay is asking all former OiNK users to re-upload their torrents to a new torrent tracker called BOiNK, which will be located at http://boink.cd. It's expected to launch within a week.

Although BOiNK is technically an exclusive Pirate Bay project, it will rely heavily on former OiNK users to to build up its library. And unlike OiNK, BOiNK will be open to the public. According to TorrentFreak, "The most important thing about BOiNK is perhaps the message it sends out to the IFPI and the BPI: It shows that that if you stop one tracker, others will pop up days after. It is a hydra. Call it a slap in the face if you want."

Some people, of course, are skeptical about BOiNK. According to one user: "It wont be OiNK. There will just be hoards of transcoded, non-seeded, mislabled, shit uploaded. This is why OiNK existed, as a reliable source of good quality music, which 'BOiNK' won't be." Another called it "Pirate Bay II."

And speaking of raids, The Pirate Bay also experienced a high-profile raid last year, when the site's Stockholm servers were raided by the Swedish police. The documentary Steal This Film argued the raid was due to the pressure on Sweden by the Hollywood film industry, which used its leverage to threaten economic sanctions by the U.S. government on Sweden through the WTO. But the raid didn't really do anything but make The Pirate Bay even stronger and more popular than ever. Nonetheless, earlier this year, prosecutor Håkan Roswall says he still intends to press charges against The Pirate Bay.

Good luck.

Wilco Cancel UK Dates Due To “Scheduling Conflicts,” But I’ve Got Nothing

What am I supposed to do with this, Wilco? I don’t know enough about European Wilco fans to make soccer practice jokes. It’s no longer timely to consider Jeff Tweedy’s chemical indiscretions. I could make a wacky list of things that “scheduling conflicts” could mean, but what if it’s something serious? I will look a fool if it is something serious. Last time I wrote a story about Wilco canceling dates, it was because Nels Cline got chicken pox. That writes itself.

I hope everything is okay with Wilco, and I hope their schedules and immune systems allow them to tour wherever they want in the not-too-distant future. Here you go:

Canceled dates:

Thao Nguyen Is Releasing a New Album, But Dat Nguyen Was One of the Most Underrated Middle Linebackers in NFL History

Dat Nguyen, born September 25, 1975, was the first Vietnamese American to play in the NFL. He attended Texas A&M and eventually left as the career record holder of 51 consecutive starts, 517 career tackles and a 10.7 tackles-per-game average. In 1999, Nguyen was drafted in the third round to the Dallas Cowboys. Though small – 5’11’’ 238 lbs. – he was an incredibly explosive middle linebacker. His speed and range enabled him to transition seamlessly into Dallas' version of 4-3 scheme defense. Nguyen led the Cowboys in tackles during the 2001, 2003, and 2004 seasons. Unfortunately, after sustaining a neck injury in the 2005 season, he was forced to retire from the NFL in 2006. The new Cowboys coach, Wade Phillips, hired Nguyen in 2007 as an assistant linebacker coach. Nguyen and his wife, Becky, have two daughters.

[Now to placate my editors]

Thao Nguyen, a Virginian-born songwriter (Virginia sounds like Vietnam, right?) is out of the studio and ready to release a new album. On January 29 of next year, Thao is scheduled to release her first album for Kill Rock Stars, which will be her follow-up to Like the Linen (released on a small Virginia label). The title for the new album is We Brave Bee Stings and All, and yes, that is the correct title. Not necessarily Gertrude Stein level, but she’s young.

Tourdates:

Eels Celebrate 10-Year Anniversary With Best-of and Rarities Collections; Eels Fans Everywhere Embarrassed to Realize That They Aren’t Pissy Teenagers Anymore

Attention NERDS!!!

Are you feeling lonely and isolated?

Are you low on friends and self-esteem but high on embarrassing facial and/or body hair?

Are your ridiculous coke-bottle glasses the only thing keeping you from looking like a total terrorist?

Do you have some kind of physical abnormality or misunderstood behavioral problem that's keeping you from that hallowed inner circle of cool friends and hot girlfriends/boyfriends that you've only read about in RollingStone?

Are you fourteen years old???

If you answered "yes" (or "affirmative" for you REALLY nerdy types) to any of those questions, then you'll no doubt be interested to know that idiosyncratic, bedroom art-pop legends Eels are currently prepping their first "best-of" and "rarities" collections for release in early 2008.

That's right, Shrek fans! Morose Songwriter/multi-instrumentalist/horrible singer Mark Oliver Everett (a.k.a. "A Man Called E," a.k.a. "Mr. E," a.k.a. "E") and his merry crew of date-movie troubadours have announced a January 15, 2008 release date for the auspicious unveiling of both Meet The EELS: Essential EELS Vol. 1, 1996-2006 (CD+DVD), as well as their first collection of rarities, B-sides, film contributions, and unreleased tracks, EELS Useless Trinkets: B-Sides, Soundtracks, Rarities and Unreleased 1996-2006 (2CD+DVD).

Both of these dower disc-collections will be issued by the laughably confusing conglomeration of DreamWorks/Geffen/UMe Records. To make matters more lucrative for the aging Mr. E., the forthcoming collections will mark the DVD Premiere of all of this video action, and all the music will be digitally remastered with both packages packed with never-before-seen photos, artifacts, and Everett's presumably extremely depressing notes about each track.

Highlights from the redundantly titled, 24-track, and 12-video affair that is Meet The EELS: Essential EELS Vol. 1, 1996-2006 include a previously unreleased Jon Brion remix of "Climbing To The Moon" from the band's second effort Electro-shock Blues, as well as the previously unreleased (unless you're Missy Elliott) "Get Ur Freak On," a live version of "Dirty Girl" from 2006's With Strings: Live At Town Hall, and "I Need Some Sleep" from the... you guessed it, Shrek 2 soundtrack.

Meanwhile, the 50-track, "who knew they even had this many songs!?" collection, EELS Useless Trinkets: B-Sides, Soundtracks, Rarities and Unreleased 1996-2006 will REALLY test your Mr. E tolerance. The mad frontman has seen fit to include just about everything but the kitchen sink, including such gruff-sung numbers as longtime concert favorite "Living Life" from the Daniel Johnston tribute album, the previously unreleased 2006 cover of Screamin' Jay Hawkins' "I Put A Spell On You" (yeah, apparently), and a handful of additional covers, including James Carr's "Dark End of The Street" and Prince's "If I Was Your Girlfriend."

Useless Trinkets also includes a large handful of, well, useless trinkets, such as the obligatory BBC performances, live versions of self-loathing hits "Novocaine For The Soul" and "My Beloved Monster," tracks from the band's endless parade of ridiculous film appearances (i.e. Holes, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, etc.), and much much more miscellaneousness! The accompanying DVD features six performances from the EELS' Lollapalooza 2006 performance, including a gospel rave-up take on "My Beloved Monster" and a high-octane rumble through "Souljacker part I." Take it from E: You'll never have such a good time feeling depressed as hell!

So there you have it, geeks and geek-lovers. The only question you have to ask yourself is: "How much Eels can you handle?" Sadly for you and your humdrum, "it's not easy being green" friends, these handy compendiums couldn't make it in time for a Christmas season release, but hey, you could always just buy each other some 10 Things I Hate About You DVDs and CD Soundtracks, probably for WAY cheaper.

It's the same thing, really.

New Times New Viking LP In The New Year News

I know that it's not even Halloween yet (by the way, your idea of sewing a baby doll to your ass and going as a "babysitter": gold), and you probably have no intention of looking as far into the future as 2008. You are living in the moment, day-by-day, with no regard for the fact that you are getting older and older, and the amount of time between your college graduation and now is growing larger and larger. What have you got to show for all this free living, anyway? Nothing, that's right.

Now, don't be depressed, as I have some joyous news: Matador Records has announced that the first month of the new year will see a new LP from Times New Viking, Ohio's noisy-garage combo with an unstoppable furry. Feel better? Good. The new record, titled Rip It Off, will be the group's debut for Matador, after releasing this year's Present the Paisley Reich
(TMT Review) and 2005's Dig Yourself on the esteemed Siltbreeze label.

While the band's current itinerary looks a little sparse, it could potentially blossom into something bigger and better after the record comes out January 22 of ‘08. That's another thing to look forward to. Life's so rad.

Rip It Off tracklist:

Tourdates:
11.29.07 - Philadelphia, PA - TBA *
01.25.08 - Columbus, OH - Café Bourbon St
01.26.08 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom & Tavern

* The Clean

White Magic Tour for the First Time in a Few Years, New EP on Drag City

With the guidance of amulets and crystals, White Magic will begin touring this week. The sure-to-be spellbinding tour starts in Brooklyn with a release show for their Dark Stars EP (released via Drag City) and will continue through the U.S. and a lil’ nugget of Canada. And no, none of the shows are being played in that creepy goth’s basement or the enchanted forest. There is, however, one date at the Hemlock Tavern in San Francisco. OOoooooh, spooky.

$ Bob Dylan tribute show

Iron & Wine Extend Tour, Stick Aforementioned Tour in Obscene Places, and They Don’t Even Bother Usi

A better writer on a more serious music website would likely write a couple brilliant sentences about Sam Beam's beard (We get it. It's big!). A better writer would give a thorough synopsis into the history of Iron & Wine. A better writer would go on and on about the recently released The Shepherd's Dog and the recent European tour.

A better writer would give you facts, and not a buttload of misleading information. A better writer would be objective and unbiased. A better writer would show a sense of maturity and pride in his work. A better writer would bend over backwards for everyone in the music industry.

Emceegreg is not that writer. Emceegreg sees headlines like "Iron & Wine Extend Tour" and automatically thinks of erected phalluses. Emceegreg thinks about a greased-up, scantily clad Sam Beam caressing the folks in Tucson, AZ. Emceegreg often has dreams about Beam naked as he came, if you know what I mean. Emceegreg knows for a fact that Beam is not quiet in bed. Emceegreg has no shame.

Emceegreg is also unaware that his homoerotic stories are at times immature and offensive, but he thinks it's okay because he has one black friend.

Current tourdates:

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