Top 10 Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Movies; Tegan and Sara Tour

Get it? Twins.
10. Winning London (2001)

The prequel to losing weight.
9. Holiday In The Sun (2001)

And then Weezer covered their song -- Rivers Cuomo, how ironic!
8. How The West Was Fun (1994)

It wasn't. Ever.
7. Our Lips Are Sealed (2000)

The twins' own "Stop Snitchin" campaign.
6. It Takes Two (1995)

They were actually triplets before Kirstie Alley had one for lunch.
5. When In Rome (2002)

Snort blow like the Romans do.
4. To Grandmother's House We Go (1992)
"Over the river and through the woods..."? Like they'd walk. Good thing Land Rovers have four-wheel drive.
3. Passport To Paris (1999)

Where even Mary-Kate looked fat.
2. Double, Double, Toil and Trouble (1993)

Fire burn and crack rock bubble.

1. Switching Goal (1999)

Not to be confused with the 2001 porno, Switching Poles.

"Brother For Sale" or "The Con"? You decide:

Method Man DVD Released… Finally!

This is great! I can't believe it took this long for them to release the first (only) season of Fox's brilliant Method & Red. I still don't know how Fox pulled the plug on this one. First Method & Red, then Arrested Development -- when is this network going to learn that a water cooler filled with malt liquor is hilarious? Those two were truly "puttin' the URBAN in SUBURBAN." I thought they should have gotten two seasons out of that catch phrase alone.

Well, at least now the poignant social commentary of Johnny Blaze and Redman will be preserved on DVD for future generations. Now, if they'd just get to work on putting out Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

What the...

Oh bother!

This isn't the first season of Method & Red at all.

My fault.

This is Method Man: Live from the Sunset Strip due out October 30, 2007. I guess the first live DVD from the Wu-Tang rapper is still good news, but it's not a sitcom that sticks it to those white-bread neighbors. According to MVD Entertainment Group, the 72-minute live DVD will include "Da Rockwilder," "Ice Cream," "Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nothing Ta F' Wit," and many more.

Newly Label-Free Morrissey Announces Plans for 2008 Studio Album, Prances into My Heart

I suffer from terrible nightmares. Every night before I drift off to sleep, I attempt to subvert these bad dreams by meditating on happy, soothing subjects. Sometimes I imagine catching up with old friends at a favorite bar. Sometimes I imagine a relaxing vacation in France. And sometimes I imagine cavorting through the streets of fin-de-siecle, decadent London with Morrissey.

It wouldn’t matter that I’m a girl in a dapper gentlemen’s world. Oh no! We would be just two fops out for a jolly good night on the town. We’d while away the evening in red-walled opium dens, flirting with rosy-cheeked ladies of the night, and sipping absinthe in the gilded halls of the Café Royal. Then later on, in the early hours of the morning, we’d retire to Morrissey’s personal chambers to discuss his upcoming studio album. The pale moonlight would linger over the satin folds of Morrissey’s black smoking jacket, and he would lean in close and tell me about his plans for 2008. He would tell me — just as he told Billboard earlier this month — about his decision to enter the studio once he finishes touring in early November. He would explain how he has already written the album and is performing new songs like "I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris," "All You Need Is Me," "That's How People Grow Up," and "One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell" on his current North American tour.

I would nod appreciatively, lulled by the smooth sounds emanating from the Victrola. As I slipped into a sweet, undisturbed sleep, Morrissey would whisper his plans for a September 2008 release date. “September?” I would mumble dreamily. “That’s the month of my birthday!” Morrissey would look at me knowingly before dimming the gas lamp and quietly leaving the room. Because, even though Morrissey is a suave fellow, living beholden to no label after his deal with Sanctuary Records expired and currently mulling over a possible deal with Warner Brothers, he is at heart a gentleman and an artist.

Dream a little dream of Morrissey:

Speak Squeak Creak: Melt-Banana Tour 13,000 Miles at Light Velocity

STORY: [4 across]-[6 across] are going on [5 down]. Their new album, [3 down] [1 down], was released back in [2 across]. Where the fuck's our review??

(Hover your cursor over the crossword for 5 seconds for the answers to this difficulty-level-5 puzzle.)

Battles Tour, Release EP, Join Mile-High Club

Two months ago on a plane to New York, I was leafing through the in-flight entertainment guide hoping a better movie would play on the trip back (success if you call Lucky You good, and if you do, then I strongly disagree). In the back of the guide were playlists for the in-flight radio stations. One station was called "The Buzz" and sported the oh-so-enticing tagline "Open your ears to uncharted musical territory!" I assumed American Airlines thinks uncharted musical territory is "Hey There Delilah" -- and it does -- so I was confused to discover Battles' "Atlas" on the same station. Well, confused is an understatement; I freaked out, and the cat sitting on the woman next to me started going crazy. Speaking of which, what was a fucking CAT doing on a plane? Anyway, I spent the rest of the five hours wondering if the average flyer would actually be compelled to purchase Battles' excellent debut Mirrored (TMT Review). My conclusion? Doubtful.

Look for the creepy guy who was sitting next to you in the hotel lobby:

Xiu Xiu Complete New Album, Set January 2008 Release Date; Now Who Wants Some Porn??

Our clothes are soaking wet and nothing more than the sleeping bags we are carrying can warm us as we setup camp. We put the sleeping bags together and take off our clothing, pushing them to our feet, as we lay naked hugging each other for warmth.

We fall asleep around 4 A.M. and don't wake up until around noon. She wakes up, and I am still asleep. She kisses me passionately on the lips in order to wake me up. I awake nestled in her arms, looking into her beautiful eyes. Our clothes lay at our feet, still moist from the rain barrage that so vigorously poured on our bodies.

Our lips embrace as our hands massage a path wending down each other's bodies, grasping and exploring one another. The dilatory, lethargic grasp lasts only for a moment before she places her legs next to her hands, as I take her lap into mine, our skin meeting, her body rubbing against the tip of my member. She straddles my lap as I pull her even closer. Our tongues meet. Her eyes whisper passion and exultation at the sensations.

"Oh shit!!!" she exclaims.

"What?"

"I forgot to tell you. Xiu Xiu just finished recording their new album! All I know right now is that it's coming out January 2008 on Kill Rock Stars."

"Uh ok..." I say as my boner shows signs of weakening.

"If you're at CMJ this year, you can check out the new album at the Kill Rock Stars showcase with Xiu Xiu, Marnie Stern, The Mary Timony Band, and Miko Miko. I think it's on Wednesday, October 17 at the Gramercy Theater, but don't quote me on that."

"Okay okay. Can't we talk about this later?"

"Oh, haha, sorry," she says nervously.

"Now, why don't you put some stank on me!?"

She gets this puzzled look on her face.

"Wait a sec... did you steal that line from Will & Grace?"

And that's when I pulled up my pants.

Jens Lekman Goes on Tour to Promote Anti-Shyness Campaign

Oh my! Jens Lekman, creator of the highly lauded album Night Falls Over Kortedala, is set to go on tour throughout the United States. Check it out: even good ol' TMT writer Canino praised the album! So what's up with all this acclaim? Perhaps it's because Jens Lekman is going on tour just to bolster support for his disgust with shy, bashful types?? Yes, you read that right! Jens Lekman has an aversion to shy people! Just check out the lyrics to "It Was a Strange Time in My Life":

People seem to think a shy personality equals gifted

But if they would get to know one I'm sure that idea would have shifted

Most shy people I know are extremely boring

Either that or they are miserable from all the shit they've been storing.

As we all know, lyrics are always autobiographical and should be taken as true to heart. So, let us all voice our disapproval for those annoying shy friends of ours and catch Lekman shy-hatin' at one of the several tourdates across the great and wonderful United States. Yay!

Tourdates:

# Throw Me The Statue

$ Solo Dates

Gibbard, His Shins, That Spoon You Ate Your Animal Collectivities With This Morning Are All on A Darfur Benefit Comp Together

If we had a contest for lamest headline, I bet I'd win. I mean, is that headline even grammatically correct? P? Is it?

Waxploitation have decided to do a Darfur benefit comp featuring rare and EXCLUSIVE tracks from Death Cab for Cutie, The Shins, Animal Collective, Spoon, Bright Eyes, The Cure, Bloc Party, The Black Keys, and more.

Now children, we all know about the Darfur conflict right? Well, click here if you want to read up.

...

Back? Good, now hopefully that convinced you to support this cause even more than simply the prospect of Ben Gibbard's nuts touching your copy of the comp. Of course, who doesn't love a little Ben Gibbard nut stank? Hell, have you seen his new website!? I hope he posts some nudes soon!

Anyway, the benefit comp is called Causes 1, and it comes out November 27 on iTunes for 90 days. Waxploitation is also releasing a limited-edition CD version, which will be available here.

Here are the trax, not in their final order:

* exclusive

Bob Mould Signs to Anti-, The Label “On Which the New Album Will Be Released”

I had a conversation with a friend this morning that went like this:

DUDE, GUESS WHAT?! (What?) Bob Mould is releasing a new album! (No way!) Yeah man! It's called District Line... (WHEN!?!) I was just about to tell you, until you interrupted. (Oh, whoops. Sorry.) It will be released on February 5, 2008. (Holy holy shit! But Mango, my friend, which label will it be released on?) You mean, "on which label will it be released?" (What do you mean?) Well, you shouldn't end sentences with prepositions. So, just stick "on" before "which." Try saying it again. (Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about.) That's because you're not a journalist. (I don't want to be.) Yeah you do. (How do you know?) Because everyone wants to be a journalist. We're awesome. So, say the sentence again, motherfucker. (So you call what you're doing on TMT "journalism"?) Yeah, so? (You people can't write worth shit. It's a bunch of wasted time, if you ask me. I like my news straight and to the point. You have like five fucking paragraphs about boners before one word about the artist which you're writing on.) There you go again. (What do you mean?) You meant "the artist on which you're writing." Say it correctly. (Oh, fuck off.)

What a tool, am I right readers? Anyway, Anti- is the label that District Line "will be released on." Pffffffffft. Fucking ridiculous.

Tourdates:

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