Pygmalion Music Festival to Host 71 Bands, 70 to Suck and Attract Stupid Frat Boys, My Friends’ Band to Melt Face

Attention Urbana Hipsters: The floor-staring, ironic-dancing, “I liked them better when they were called Pavement” event of the season is fast approaching. Starting Wednesday, September 19, the Pygmalion Music Festival will blow the roof off local bars throughout the Champaign-Urbana area, home to the University of Illinois. Brush up on your Pitchfork review scores because you wouldn’t want to hesitate when your significantly less hip friends ask “have you heard of these guys?”

The festival, in its third year, will be headlined by Andrew Bird and Okkervil River while major artists, including David Bazan, The Redwalls, ?uestlove, Headlights, Casiotone For The Painfully Alone, and Owen, will be playing over the festival’s four-day span.

Unfortunately, none of these artists matter and, in fact, are only listened to by bigots who hate universal suffrage, the abstract concept of liberty, and those adorable pictures of cats with the grammatically incorrect captions.

- Andrew Bird? Nice whistle, idiot.

- Okkervil River? Named after a story named after a river in a place that was once called LENINGRAD. Nice political statement Will.

- David Bazan? Every song on his new EP have unironic alternate titles; even Fall Out Boy has advanced past this.

- The Redwalls? They’re still a band? (No, seriously, is this blowing anyone else’s mind that these dudes are still making music? I thought after bands were featured on MTV 2’s The Leak they simply ceased to exist…)

- Headlights? Sucked when they were called Stars.

- Casiotone For The Painfully Alone? Dude HATES cupcakes.

Owen? The reason American Football broke up was because Mike Kinsella wanted to pursue a solo career, hoping that one day he could play an indie-rock festival in Champaign-Urbana. Pygmalion broke up American Football.

It gets worse. If you do decide to throw caution to wind and see one of these shows (which effectively indicates that you are against the RIAA, but only because you think its anti-piracy measures are not strong enough), you will likely be surrounded by jeep brahs who will promptly attempt to steal your boyfriend/girlfriend and throw a beer can at you (if you’re a dude) or scream things like “ungh gurl, give me your digits” or “so much honey in here I thought I was in a beehive” so loudly you'll be unable to even hear the music (if you’re a female).

Now, I know what you're thinking: “the baseless claims you’ve indiscriminately hurled have changed my mind, but I’ve already purchased the incredibly reasonable $45 festival pass, which grants me access to all shows at all eight associated venues... where can I sell it?” Don’t. While 70 of the bands may not support the Kyoto Protocol or transparency in government, one band still has your social, economic, and rock ‘n’ roll needs covered. Oceans. This is “The Band That Plays What Leonard Cohen Meant To say.”

But don’t take my word on the fact that OCEANS is the pinnacle of art. Consult the following breakdown and make your own decisions about what you think of Oceans' unique brand of post-rock smeared in a Midwest punk rock ethos.

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Andrew Bird V. Oceans

- Andrew Bird has a degree in violin performance from Northwestern University with a degree. A degree tailor-made for amusing the aristocracy.

- Oceans is comprised of altruists seeking to make the human experience better for all, with one member in medical school and the others completing degrees in urban planning, education, and political science.

- Andrew Bird worked with the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

- Oceans work alone. Like James Bond.

Okkervil River V. Oceans

- Okkervil River’s Pygmalion time slot is at 12:20 on a Wednesday night.

- Oceans is already in bed preparing to work their hardest the next day.

- Will Sheff produces critical writings on film, literature, and music for a host of respected publications.

- Oceans ain’t no nine-to-five sellouts.

David Bazan V. Oceans

- The Wikipedia entry on Pedro The Lion refers to their genre as “Slowcore.”

- The Wikipedia article on Oceans talks about the likelihood of water on the Galilean moon Europa and has an infrared map of large underwater features.

The Redwalls V. Oceans

- The Redwalls

- No counterpoint necessary.

Headlights V. Oceans

- Headlights' songs include quaint narratives about small town life and love.

- In Oceans, "Epic masterpieces unfold like boyhood adventures as lies are told, battles are fought, and friendships are saved, evoking nostalgia with every strum. With the blink of an eye, Oceans kicks in a math rock swagger that sneers and spits as much as it sanctifies. True to their midwestern punk rock ethos, they play every note with the sincerity and honesty that music was meant to be played, making ever performance one to be remembered."

Owen V. Oceans

- Mike Kinsella, Owen, sits on stage statically and plays complex acoustic pieces.

- Oceans will punch you/one another in the face for not feeling it.

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone V. Oceans

- Owen Ashworth wants to revoke the third amendment in the Bill of Rights.

- Oceans don’t want no troops all up in their business.

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You can get the (unnecessary) schedule here but really all that matters is that Oceans will be playing at 8 P.M. on Friday, September 21 at the Canopy Club. Festival-long passes are still available, and tickets for all shows will be for sale at the door.

Full disclosure/plagiarism defense: I would like to thank the members of Oceans for supplying all of the material in quotes.

The Stills Refuse Racy Photo Shoot, Leave Vice; Sign With Arts & Crafts

The supple, smooth bodies, more than half-naked and gracing the pages of the New York City-based hipster bible and free magazine Vice, are sinful in their appeal. Countless beauties, often underage, are semi-clad in the latest fashions while their tattered bangs crowd their inviting stares. So when Vice's music division, Vice Records, approached its band The Stills about joining this class of boho model in a topless photo shoot, one would imagine the Canadian band found themselves flattered.

However, in a shocking turn of events, The Stills' conservative side and former body image issues shone through resulting in an uncomfortable situation for all. At a loss about their label's audacity, the band decided to part ways with Vice and seek out a new, more respectful arrangement. Enter Arts & Crafts.

The Canadian powerhouse label, home to Broken Social Scene and nearly all of their spawn, have been on quite a diversifying tear lately signing Wales startups Los Campesinos! and Ontario rockers The Constantines. The wide net cast by the label, allegedly initiated when it was rumored that Kelly Clarkson and Clive Davis had beef, did not end in a deal with the pop princess but instead Arts & Crafts has bulked up with the addition of the three still-budding rock acts. The Stills, the latest to join the team in lieu of their indecent exposure are currently cooped up in their native Montreal hoping to complete their third LP and follow up to 2006's Without Feathers. Luckily for the fans, you won't have to wait until the record's planned release in Spring of 2008 to catch the group in action, as they plan to perform scattered shows in the area while also traveling to Florida to open for Spoon (and probably visit Disney World).

Catch 'em clothed:

* Spoon

Marley Family to Sue Verizon and Universal, You Sleep Beside Me, I Am on a Train Leaving You as You Read This

Dear Reader, Baby, Sweetheart,

By the time you'll have read this, I'll be gone.

I left at daybreak.

You see, something happened last night, baby. You were sleeping so soundly, and I didn't want to wake you. Your pretty, indie face on the pillow, smiling to yourself. Sugar plums were, like, dancing in your head. You slept, reader baby, and I stared at the ceiling. Wide awake. Contemplating spending the rest of my life with you. I was going to ask you to marry me. But it didn't feel right.

There's God, and love, and this insane force inside of you. The light attaches to you, always.

Reader baby, know this: you're beautiful, and the thing is, I don't know who I am anymore. Something happened.

This happened:

In a landmark defiance of EVERYTHING, I am of a similar viewpoint as a Marley fan. And not just any fan. The Marley family and I are in agreement. Apparently, the Marley family's Fifty Six Hope Road Music Ltd aims to sue both Verizon Wireless and Universal Music Group based on Verizon's try for use of Marley songs as ringtones.

I am siding with the Marleys.

I must confess, though, that I side with the Marleys out of personal interest. You see, reader baby, I'm still in college, and these ringtones may ruin my life. As in:

1. I don't want to hear "Buffalo Soldier" ringing as my fellow COLLEGE KIDZ! make the nightly booty call;
2. I don't want to hear "Buffalo Soldier" on the street;
3. Or by way of an accidental ring ring ring ring in class;
4. At Planned Parenthood;
5. While buying weed,
6. And 100000000000000000000000 puppies,
7. And 343049039403940349 kittens,
8. Or, really, ever.

...

Yes, I side with the Marleys for the sole purpose of killing off any possibility for me to hear a Bob Marley song, ever. Still, reader baby, I can't live with myself knowing that my support of the Marleys, though grossly unintentional, is still, in essence, some support.

You're just too damn good for me.

Goodbye, reader baby. I will love and miss you. Don't try to contact me.

Really, you're beautiful.

Yours,

AJ

Black Dice’s Real Name Is Harold Elwin Dice, Tour

New York, NY (OPENPRESS) May 24, 2005 -- Aruntx Podcasting Syndication Network wants you to know Tuesday 05/24 Is Black Dice Day, declared by Alabama Governor Bob Riley. Governor Riley is encouraging all Alabamians to support and vote for Black Dice as he competes to be the next American Idol. “Our state is truly blessed with many talented people, and I am proud that Bo has made it to the finals," Riley said in a recent interview. Black Dice, 29, of the group "Sugar Money" is a resident of Helena Alabama, a long-time member of GarageBand.com, Discovering The Best Independent Music, and is a finalist of the Fox Television Show American Idol. Aruntx Podcast Reminds You "Tuesday Is Black Dice Day," VOTE FOR BO. Watch American Idol on FOX Television 05/24 8:00 EST - 7:00 C. Aruntx Podcasting Syndication is a venue of contemporary cultural news and entertainment syndication with social sensitivity and moral justification, presenting an Aruntx Radio Show Special today, about American Idol finalist Black Dice and "Sugar Money," in celebration of "Tuesday is Black Dice Day".

Once upon a time, oh gorgeously naïve TMT reader, the world was beautiful. Our ruler was of divine right, with a quest to make experimental pop jams -- not only for the cavalier enjoyment of esoteric purple-frilled suit-wearing gents like himself, but for all in the village. That’s charity, folks.

LET IT BE KNOWN: When the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince ruled over this humble land, he did so with glowing amiability, fervor, and (creepily androgynous) love. None would dare question the good Prince’s charity. He hired peasant children as backup dancers and met weekly with the poor and lowly townspeople to shower them with lavish gifts -- loaves of bread, clean water, Bibles, harps, and the like. Then, he would ceremonially wash their feet.

That excellence passed on, though. Soon, milk and honey stopped flowing. YouTube, eBay, and The Pirate Bay diminished the profits of the Good Prince’s creative genius. As in, they were getting all up in his purple reign. Yea, I said it.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH: Our favorite (a)sexy one has hired Web Sheriff, a Brit-based company hunting down internet piracy, to aide in his fight against internet companies supposedly promoting copyright violations.

According to Prince, he will “reclaim the Internet.”*

Al Gore** will be doing marketing/promotions for Prince’s reclaiming battle, who will split pillages of conquest, obviously to share with peasants, lowly townspeople, and fame’s close-but-no-cigar almost hottie Haylie Duff***, who works as a fellow at corporate headquarters to continue her grabbing-at-straws attempt to snag a helping of li'l sis Hil Duff’s piece of the pie.

Chin up, Haylie.

* ACTUALLY NOT A JOKE

** It could happen

*** It would happen

Chemical Brothers First Live Tour in Five Years; I Need To Hire A Fact-Checker

Recently, it dawned on my less-than-knowledgeable ass that for years I've been claiming (wrongly, of course) that Natasha Lyonne starred in the music video for "Setting Sun." And I don't mean like, two years. I'm talking a good five or six years, ever since I asked my grandmother (the only member of my immediate family to have cable) to tape MTV's 100 Greatest Music Videos for me. I became enthralled with the video's blase blonde subject, who we are probably supposed to interpret as being on some kind of escapist chemical (clever!) journey throughout the video. She's messy, with dyed strands of yellow hair in her face, staring intently at her cat/wall/TV/ashtray/anything else that could possibly be construed as signs of a vaguely shaky existence. Basically, she's perfect.

She is not, however, Natasha Lyonne.

Natasha Lyonne starred in 1999's gay indie flick But I'm A Cheerleader as a YOU-GUESSED-IT!, and went on to, uh, pretty much nothing except a smaller role in 2003's Party Monster and a major role in the gossip blogs when she trashed the apartment she rented from actor Michael Rapaport the same year.

I understand you may not possess the same wealth of information in your immediate memory as I do concerning Natasha Lyonne, but I have a soft spot for hot messes. I would now like to present you with the following images:

Eh? Eh?

Whatever, I'm embarrassed. The Chemical Brothers are touring. Here are some dates. I'm going to go find the VHS with videos #1-20 and have a pretentious debate with my girlfriend's cat, who I will stare at glassily with my newly dyed blonde hair covering my face.

Natasha Lyonne won't be there:

Shout It Out: Stain Removal and Black Lips Tour

Seeing the Black Lips live is a truly cathartic experience. Everybody has those days when they just reach their boiling point, wanting nothing more than to run around naked, flailing and spitting, screaming until your voice goes hoarse. Unfortunately for us, that behavior is not condoned by a) parents b) employers c) a significant others, or d) anyone. That is, of course, unless you count yourself among the members of Atlanta, Georgia's grittiest blues-punk band, who have been known to spill themselves on stage in a very literal sense. The barrage of bodily fluids, while potentially dangerous and slightly disgusting, is part of what makes the band's live experience legendary, adding both intimacy and an element of grimy lawlessness. Projectile liquids are indeed a very real possibility, if not a staple of the show. Truly a landmark in a concertgoer's career, there are still some things you should know before attending one of the dates on the upcoming Black Lips tour, mainly in the name of stain removal. Heed this guide:

Fluid: Spit

Method of Removal: This can be handled with a simple hand-wiping motion, especially if you're wearing denim jeans. Rub it in -- it'll dry right up.

Fluid: Sweat

Method of Removal: Again, a minor inconvenience. If you're behaving properly, you'll have some of your own, and they can just mix together. Will dry with fresh air.

Fluid: Semen

Method of Removal: Odds are, you've dealt with this before, so you probably have some tricks of your own. But if all else fails, try soda water and baking soda.

Fluid: Blood

Method of Removal: You're shit out of luck, but wear it as a badge. Make it into a souvenir: "I Saw Black Lips and All I Got Was This Gigantic Bloodstain!"

Weather the storm:

Gossip Cancel Their Fall Tour Because a Live Album Is More Important

The Gossip canceled their fall U.S. tour in light of a delay with the release of their live album and DVD, originally scheduled to be released November 16 on Columbia. Oh the irony.

That's all.

The TMT Classifieds:

Time-warped, hair metal band needs guitarist for elementary school gigs. Must be experienced in the art of pants stuffing, hair shellacking, and snorting Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Influences? Zep. Lep. Crue! If you shred like Yngwie Malmsteen and look like a gay Wolverine, drop Anüs Cream Pie a line! Laaaaaaaay-terz.

"Stuart Murdoch from Belle and Sebastian is looking for performers/singers to participate in a project called 'God Help the Girl' which he is currently developing. He is making an album of songs based around different voices, which will subsequently be put together to form the backbone of a musical film which he is writing."

Have Viagra. Need women. Any women between 18-80.

"Go here to read Stuart (Murdoch)'s full introduction to the project (described above). At present, he is looking for female singers to record the songs. They will represent the main characters in the film, but he is also looking for other singers to sing in supporting roles."

Hardest working bar(mitzvah) band in the biz needs violin, clarinet, tsimbl, and woodblock players, hora and halaka dancers, and a crusty Yiddish mensch to complete klezmer band. Preferably in time for the end of New Year celebrations tonight or in time to break the fast at Yom Kippur next week! Reply to Praise Challah and Pass the Manischewitz (Happy 5768, my brothers and sisters!).

"Members of Belle and Sebastian will be involved (in Stuart Murdoch's project described above) as the studio band for some of the recording, which will hopefully take place later this year. By following the links around this site, you will be able to listen to and record your own version of one of two songs which have been recorded so far (for Stuart Murdoch's project described above)."

One man band looking for second man band to play two-man band to play either Hindi ghazals and traditional Punjabi songs or crappy indie rock. I haven't decided yet.

"Have a look around and go here for full instructions on how to put yourself forward for one of the parts (in Stuart Murdoch's project described ab... oh shut the fuck up already!). Thanks for your interest & Good luck!"

Upright bassist needed for super successful band. Gigs, big salary, handjobs... Got your attention? We sell Nokia 8800 Sirocco phones, Nokia phones, iPods, games, GPS… Also wanted: unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. MUST HAVE VAN!

The Debate Over Punk Ends Here and Now; Jello Biafra on Tour

The term "punk" has been hotly debated for centuries. I originally compiled a list of quotes dating back to punk's birth in 1623 (the year the Avedis Zildjian Company began making cymbals at Constantinople), but I've always thought the more "contemporary" quotes were far more interesting. Below you will find my top 10 favorite contemporary quotes (in no order) about punk:

"I think punk rock, especially for me, was a big middle finger to this whole talent thing. That is, until I saw Blink-182 live. Man, they're super talented." - Mike Watt

"Punk was defined by an attitude rather than a musical style. But I disagree. I think it was just a bunch of power chords and some trite progressions with some snotty vocals on top. It was bullshit. So glad it's over." - David Byrne

"I was in a little punk band and we put out a few punk records that weren't very political, at all. Just kidding! They were super political, and we were actually a country group. We put out an album called The Little Mermaid" - Billy Bragg

"I've always been spiritual, but I've never had a proper context, and it took me awhile to find the proper context. It's hard to realize you can have any kind of relationship with God you want... and so I now have a punk rock relationship with God. So, basically, I do drugs and listen to Dead Kennedys with God. Oh, and when I say 'God,' I mean Jimmy Chamberlin" - Billy Corgan

"My dad took me to all the best rock and punk shows when I was growing up. Seeing Sum 41 at the Knitting Factory was life-changing." - Winona Ryder

"When the punk thing came along and I heard my friends saying, 'I hate these people with the pins in their ears.' I said, 'Thank God, I feel exactly the same way, dude.'" - Neil Young

"I pretty much grew up when punk was big in the UK. The Sex Pistols were heroes for me. I used to run around like Johnny Rotten. I had a jacket like his. I'd often look in the mirror pretending I was him, and I'd have a big wank. I suck, by the way." Gavin Rossdale

"Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? Because the last time I did that, I got crabs." - Clint Eastwood

"I wanted to move to Seattle, sell my ass, and be a punk rocker, but I was too afraid to do so without consulting my lawyer first." - Kurt Cobain

"Punk is not dead. As long as corporations mass produce it, punk will last forever! " - Jello Biafra

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