White Stripes Cancel U.S. Tour; Even Though They Say Otherwise, It’s Probably Because They Hate You

Acclaimed Blueshammer tribute band The White Stripes have announced that their forthcoming tour of the U.S. has been canceled. It seems that little Meg, the drummer lady, has come down with a nasty dose of those ol’ “acute anxiety” blues, meaning she won’t be traveling anywhere for the foreseeable future, except maybe to the toilet for her morning poo. Pretty late call, too; the shows were due to start tonight in Albuquerque, NM. As they put it themselves, “We hate to let people down and are very sorry.”

Such is the ‘news’ as reported in countless other news-felches; as you well know, we aim to go one step further here at TMT. Consequently, my loyal band of news-gnomes and I have tirelessly burrowed to unearth these rumors regarding the causes of Meg’s anxiety:

• Jack and Meg were approaching Albuquerque, and passed through the sinisterly named New Mexico hamlet, Truth Or Consequences. Suddenly gripped with guilt over their prior disseminations regarding the true facts of their relationship and fearful of the dreaded consequences implied by the town’s name, the dead hand of anxiety struck;

• Jack suggested they hire a bagpipe player for the tour for when they play that cak bagpipe song off of the new album. And dress him up like a fucking pearly king;

• Jack wrote a new song featuring a two-second drum solo;

• She saw Britney Spears’ hot ‘n’ slinky performance on that MTV thing the other night. A horrified Meg, who was also planning to perform in merely a bra and panties for the entire tour, was gripped by anxiety that people might think she was just ripping off the re-energized Britney;

• She was anxious she would miss much of the Women’s World Cup.

For now, though, the British tour starting on October 24 is going ahead. Proud citizens of the United States can get a refund from wherever you purchased your tickets; those Texans amongst you who had tickets for the Austin shows are probably also legally allowed to shoot Meg dead without punishment, should you so desire. And the list of canceled shows? I’m always eager to please:

LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy Gives Up On Exercise, It Shows

Good news, fatasses!

LCD Soundsystem feels for you! Turns out there was actually a reason why James Murphy had Daft Punk come play at his house instead of getting up off of his ass and going to see them: old boy was just plain lazy!

And now, Murphy and the good ol' boys down at the DFA (Diabetes For All, I think) label are about to make it even easier for you to laze around on your roommate's couch smoking pot like the Alice in Wonderland Caterpillar and listening to LCD Soundsystem records! Thanks in no small part to the general sticky-bun eating, chain-smoking, imported-beer swilling, NBC Thursday-TiVo-ing, and all-around haughty-cum-lazy vibe of Indie Rock culture as we know it, Murphy and DFA have decided to release the the formerly iTunes-exclusive, Nike-commissioned 45:33 on the infinitely more louse-friendly CD and double vinyl formats on November 13 of this year... and get THIS: the lazy man's version even comes with bonus tracks!!

Originally conceived as part of Nike's "Nike + Original Run" series, Murphy's continuous, album-length "disco-symphony" was initially marketed as a companion piece for joggers, runners, and other like-minded enthusiasts of the cardio-vascular system who craved the kind of get-up-and-go motivation that you can only get from a brisk four-on-the-floor. Taking the listener through a dynamic range of tempos and rhythms, 45:33 was meant to offer the exercise enthusiast a complete and fulfilling work-out experience, replete with well-timed peaks and valleys at all the right places, all the while maintaining that same old snotty, DIY-dance essence of an LCD Soundsystem recording.

And though the project proved to be a massive commercial (and critical) success during its stint as an iTunes exclusive, 45:33 Murphy and his cohorts can't seem to resist ca$h-ca$h-ca$hin' in, both on the incredible acclaim of Murphy's most recent album, Sound of Silver, and on the overwhelming population of lazy assholes out there who might have decided that they'd rather spend $9.99 on a crave case of White Castles than buy an album geared toward all them "healthy folk." But to sweeten the already sugary deal, the lazy-man's version will come with three bonus tracks that were previously only available in the UK, including the sprawling "Freak Out/Starry Eyes," the hypnotically frantic "North American Scum (Onastic Dub Remix)," and elusive 7-inch B-side "Hippie Priest Bum-Out." Mmmmmm. Doesn't that sound delicious?

So what the heck are you waiting for?!?! Oh, right. The laziness thing. Sorry.

Track lizzzzzzzzzz . . . zzz . . . zzz:

Fall dates, while I'm at it:
09.14.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park (Austin City Limits)
09.17.07 - Morrison, CO - Red Rocks Amphitheatre *
09.20.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl *
09.21.07 - Mountain View, CA - Shoreline Amphitheatre *
09.24.07 - Seattle, WA - Bank of America Arena at Hec Edmundson Pavilion (University of Washington) *
09.26.07 - Lehi, UT - Waterfall Amphitheater at Thanksgiving Point *
09.28.07 - Kansas City, MO - Starlight Theatre *
09.30.07 - Saint Paul, MN - Roy Wilkins Auditorium *
10.03.07 - Louisville, KY - Waterfront Park *
10.05.07 - Columbus, OH - LC Pavilion *
10.06.07 - New York, NY - Randall's Island *#
10.20.07 - Dublin, Ireland - Tripod
10.21.07 - Manchester, England - Apollo
10.22.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowlands
10.23.07 - London, England - Brixton Academy

* The Arcade Fire
# Les Savy Fav, Blonde Redhead

Mount Eerie Tour TBA; Let’s Report It Anyway

It should be no surprise to hear that we all hate Mount Eerie here at TMT. Our discerning, discriminating, desultory tastes find Phil Elverum and his music as foul and unpalatable as corked wine. Before writing this story, for example, I handed out half-sheets of paper to the other staffers and asked them to check "like" or "dislike" next to the words "Mount Eerie," and I can say with no exaggeration that all but one was returned with "dislike" checked (sometimes checked and circled). Jay never turned his response in, but there is a bloody piece of paper jammed into the tree outside my apartment with a bowie knife, so I suspect that even he wanted his opinion made public.

Nevertheless, this is a business and not a fanzine, so we're required to report on the exploits of people more suited for death-by-steamroller than musical composition -- people that, in spite of serious deficiencies, have managed to scrape together a few songs and a rental car and now demand publicity. Thus, it is with a heavy heart that I transcribe the following tourdates:
09.29.07 - Kennewick, WA - 321 Art Space
10.01.07 - Anacortes, WA - Dept. of Safety $
10.02.07 - Seattle, WA - The Vera Project $
10.03.07 - Olympia, WA - TBA $
10.04.07 - Portland, OR - The Artistery $
10.05.07 - Arcata, CA - The Greenhouse $
10.06.07 - Sacramento, CA - 1930 N Street $
10.07.07 - San Francisco, CA - ATA $
10.08.07 - Oakland, CA - Bug House $
10.09.07 - Santa Barbara, CA - Muddy Waters $
10.10.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Troubadour $
10.11.07 - San Diego, CA - Che Cafe $
10.18.07 - Missoula, MO - TBA
10.20.07 - Bottineau, ND - Roba's Coffeehouse
10.21.07 - Fargo, ND - Red Raven Coffeehouse
10.22.07 - Minneapolis, MN - TBA
10.23.07 - Madison, WI (or IA?) - TBA
10.24.07 - Chicago, IL - South Union Arts
10.25.07 - Urbana, IL - TBA
10.26.06 - Bloomington, IN - TBA
10.27.07 - Ann Arbor, MI - Neutral Zone B-Side (free show)
10.28.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - The DAAC
10.29.07 - Detroit, MI - TBA
10.30.07 - Pittsburgh, PA - Garfield Artworks
10.31.07 - Buffalo, NY - TBA
11.01.07 - Upstate NY - TBA
11.02.07 - Western MA - TBA
11.03.07 - Boston, MA - TBA
11.04.07 - Portsmouth, NH - TBA
11.06.07 - Providence, RI - TBA
11.07.07 - New York, NY - St. Mark's Church
11.08.07 - New York, NY - TBA
11.09.07 - NJ - TBA
11.10.07 - Philadelphia, PA - TBA
11.11.07 - Baltimore, MD - Copycat B201
11.12.07 - Washington, DC - TBA
11.13.07 - Charlottesville, VA - TBA
11.14.07 - Greensboro, NC - TBA
11.15.07 - Asheville, NC - TBA
11.16.07 - Columbia, SC - TBA
11.17.07 - Charleston, SC - TBA
11.18.07 - Gainesville, FL - TBA
11.19.07 - Orlando, FL - Stardust Coffee
11.20.07 - Sarasota, FL - New College
11.21.07 - Somewhere - TBA
11.22.07 - "wherever in Florida where they don't have Thanksgiving the holiday"
11.23.07 - Atlanta, GA - TBA
11.24.07 - Jonesboro, AR- TBA
11.25.07 - St. Louis, MO - Lemp Neighborhood Arts Center
11.26.07 - Columbia, MO (or Kansas City, KS [or Lawrence, KS]) - TBA
11.27.07 - Norman, OK - Opolis
11.28.07 - Denton, TX (or Dallas, TX) - TBA
11.29.07 - Austin, TX - TBA
11.30.07 - Somewhere/Nowhere - TBA
12.01.07 - Lubbock, TX - TBA
12.02.07 - Santa Fe, NM - TBA
12.03.07 - Flagstaff, AZ (or Prescott, AZ) or Nowhere - TBA
12.04.07 - Phoenix, AZ - Trunk Space
12.05.07 - Tucson, AZ - TBA
12.06.07 - Las Vegas, NV (?) - TBA
12.07.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - TBA
12.08.07 - Boise, ID (or Salt Lake City, UT) - TBA

$ Moools

JAYYYYY KAYYYY!!!!! (I was just pissed because Phil's considering not playing anywhere on my birthday, and as you may know, that is a very special day for me. TMT loves Mount Eerie and will forever joyfully report even the most tentative of tours.)

I Heard That Wilco Is Playing More Fall West Coast Dates!!! Oh My Gosh!!! I Am So Totally Psyched! I Love Jeff Tweedy!! Sky Blue Sky, WOO!!! I Just… Oh, Wait… Nevermind, It’s Just Billy Bragg :(

Dear Billy Bragg,

How are you? How are things in merry old England? Are they cool? I've always wanted to drive on the opposite side of the road like you guys do, you know. I just think that'd be such a rush. Sigh... I guess it's not such a rush for you, though. You do it every day. Hey, I hear that you guys say "chips" instead of "french fries" and "bobby" instead of "police officer" over there! That is just whacky, don't you think?? I think so.

But enough small talk, Billy. So, like, what was it like, you know . . . working with Wilco??? Was it just totally awesome? Or was it more "amazing" than awesome? I love Wilco. Don't you?? I mean, who couldn't love Wilco?? I think everyone loves Wilco. It's probably because Wilco writes such relatable songs. Did you get that vibe? I bet you got that vibe working with Wilco. It must have been an honor to have worked with Wilco.

But really, Billy Bragg, did you think that Jeff Tweedy was a genius, even back in the days of the first Mermaid Avenue?? Did you just know it? Even back then, you know, before Summerteeth and YHF (that's Wilco's album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, but i'm sure you knew that, Billy Bragg) dropped and changed all of our lives forever??? I like to think that I would have known it back then. I can't be sure i would have though, you know? You probably knew it, though. I mean, Jeff Tweedy's music is so great. Don't you think that his music is really great?? It's such an incredible mixture of folk and rock ‘n’ roll, don't you think?? I don't know anybody else who does folk/rock like Wilco, do you??

Also, I bet Jeff and the band were really funny guys, too. John Stirratt seems funny. Jay Bennett seemed whacky enough too (though I bet he's not laughing too much these days, huh Billy?). But were they, like, funny in person? I've seen that one Wilco documentary -- you know, the one by Sam Jones?? -- and the stuff they do is really funny in that. You've seen that Wilco movie right? I mean, who hasn't?? Do you think that you'll play any of the songs you wrote with Wilco at any of these following fall/winter shows, Billy Bragg???

Just thought you might want to know, since you're such a huge fan of Wilco. You're welcome!!! :) :) :)

Ready In No Time: “Best New Music” Casserole! I Am Not Going To Mention That Le Loup Means ‘The Wolf’ In French, But The Pack Of ‘Em Are Going On Tour And Releasing Their Debut Album; Taste That Hype? Mmm, Delicious .

Sub Pop is a very notable, 51% independent label. Hardly Art is The Jeffersons to Sub Pop's All In The Family, which is to say a potentially profitable spin-off. Hardly Art's first release was Arthur & Yu's In Camera, which was released in the summer -- useless information, I suppose. But after the first, comes the second, which brings us to Le Loup. Due this fall, the DC band's album The Throne of the Third Heaven of the Nations' Millennium General Assembly displays quite the knack for not only songwriting but also building atmosphere, placing the group atop a heap of this moment's buzziest bands.

After keeping an eye on this growing trend of shit-hot bands, I've concocted a little formula, or as I prefer to call it, a recipe, that will get you a delectable "Best New Music"-like casserole in no time flat. Please adhere strictly to the following ingredients and steps:
2 pounds skinless, boneless animal name
7 or more band members (to taste)
1/2 cup large part harmonies
1/4 cup relatively idiosyncratic organic instruments (banjo, etc.)
1 1/2 tablespoons processed instruments (i.e., computer music)
2 teaspoons foreign language words
1 teaspoon obscure reference to artist (you may substitute an author)
1 1/4 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon dried Mexican oregano
2 bay leaves

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine the animal name, excessive band members, harmonies, oddball instrumentation, salt, oregano, and bay leaves in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to a simmer and cook, uncovered, for 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and allow the dish to cool for one small tour before the album's release.

Cook in the oven until the edges brown and BAM! Dinner is served.

Tip: This casserole may be prepared in advance and frozen until ready to use. Simply allow it to thaw 1 week on blogs and come to room temperature before releasing.

Have a taste for yourself:

* Jukebox the Ghost

@ Travis Morrison Hellfighters, Statehood, Rocky's Revival

% Andrew Bird

$ Yeasayer, Shapes and Sizes

! -- Pygmalion Fest w/ Okkervil River, CFTPA, Dark Meat, etc.

^ -- CD release party! w/ These United States

+ Nightmare of You

# Georgie James

Kaiser Chiefs Cancel Fall Tour? Yeah I Know, The News Feed Has Been a Real Snoozer Lately

So, my bro (or who I thought was my bro) Emceegreg wrote an article about his buddy who called in the middle of an amazing high. 'Greg, for whatever selfish reason, neglected to mention my presence at that party.

While let's say "Kirk" (the "friend" from 'Greg's story) was busying himself with every bottle of booze in the greater Muncie area, I was digesting roughly 120 mg of Adderall. In the first hour, I read my reading assignment for the next day and then proceeded to read the next five. I then went on to the private TMT message board and read everything ever posted. The clock was nearing 5 A.M. and somehow "Kirk" was still functioning. I tied a radio flyer wagon to the back of my bicycle and trailed "Kirk" to Wal-Mart. We purchased 17 cans of yellow primer spray paint, four push-pops, a two-liter of Mountain Dew, and the most recent Kaiser Chiefs album.

We made it back to the house in tiger speed. We fetched a boom box from my room and set everything out on the porch. The first can of spray paint was used to try to make a blowtorch. That was unsuccessful. Next, we each took a can and huffed until our noses ran like rivers. "Kirk" took another can and, with push-pop in mouth, made a map of the stars on my front lawn. All the while, the Kaiser Chiefs are playing, and I'm thinking, "My god, have I really hit rock bottom?"

The sun started peering over the eastern tree line. "Kirk" had covered his entire torso with yellow paint and began quoting remnants of Descartes. I told him he was making a scene and the cops were most likely going to take us away. He told me if I didn't quit playing "shitty Brit-rock," he was going to "take me away." The joke was on him, though, because in his mess of liquor and my clinical exactness induced by Adderall, I had managed to order $450 worth of tickets for the Kaiser Chiefs fall tour.

And now the tour is cancelled.

Cancelled Tour Dates, Suckas!

Canceled shows:
09.18.07 - Dallas, TX - House Of Blues
09.19.07 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live
09.21.07 - Nashville, TN - City Hall
09.22.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Roxy
09.24.07 - Chicago, IL - Cabaret Metro
09.25.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theatre
09.26.07 - Toronto, ONT - Carlu Theatre

The two shows that are still on:
09.14.07 - Austin, TX - Austin City Limits Festival
09.29.07 - New York, NY - Beacon Theatre

Oh, and Emceegreg, if you pass me up to hang out with Mr P again, I'll cut you.

Puppet-Masters At Disney Caught Fabricating The ‘Grassroots’ YouTube Sensation of Marié Digby

When N*Sync said "bye, bye, bye" to the shackles of the greedy management that held them down, the world listened, and No Strings Attached went on to sell nearly 15 million copies. In a more indie-centric example, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah skipped the label process completely during their initial explosion, instead riding the internet tidal-wave that accompanied their self-titled debut. But the latter example just seems like so much work! Doesn't that take dedication, some sliver of uniqueness, real word-of-mouth, and even some skill? It is so much easier to just be content as the dummy while some dollar-brained "ventriloquist" sticks his hand up your backside, not only pulling the strings, but framing your lies, moving your mouth for you. After all, the bigwigs know exactly when and what the public will lap up like slobbering dogs eager for their next sip.

The Wall Street Journal has reported that the girl behind the latest YouTube explosion may not be as DIY as she once appeared. Marié Digby, whose cover of Rihanna's smash "Umbrella" has been featured on MTV, appeared just another viral multimedia meme with her grainy, homemade renditions of popular tunes. The press release for her "recent" signing to Disney's Hollywood Records even touted her as a "YouTube Phenomenon." But after a little bit of muckraking, it has been revealed that Digby was actually signed by Hollywood in 2005, a year-and-a-half before her videos hit big. Hollywood Records purchased Digby's computer and software and allowed her to leave her MySpace reading "Type of Label: None," all the while Digby was telling audiences "I just turned on my little iMovie, and here I am!" as per the WSJ.

The stunt is an arrogant attempt by the mainstream to co-opt and manipulate the ease and arbitrary nature of viral hype that the internet has beget with more and more frequency in recent years. With News Corp.'s purchase of MySpace and Google's purchase of YouTube, it is no secret that the corporate world sees the same contagiousness on the web that each site's respective users do. Unfortunately, they feel the need to undermine the entire system, slapping ads on every blank space and feigning struggle for their artists. But here's a thought: maybe if Disney put as much creativity directly into their projects as they do into their lies, they wouldn't have to rely on faking credibility or creating hype through devious means.

The Road to Recovery Starts with Arthur & Yu Touring the World (The United States & Japan) in a Matter of Minutes (Months)

Arthur & Yu were the first band to sign to Sub Pop subsidiary label Hardly Art, and they will also be known as the first band named Arthur & Yu to impregnate fine U.S. cities with their gravitational melodies.

With that said, my friend woke me up at 7:15 A.M. this morning to tell me he was "Messed up, man." I called him back later to tell him I was going to kick his ass next time I saw him. He said he was sorry, and that no intervention would change his hollow ways. So, I invited him to see Arthur & Yu in Chicago with me. Having always been a fan of simplistic music with interchangeable male and female vocals and soft rhythms guided by the flute, he said he was "down with it." I told him I'd buy his ticket and it would be a great time. He said, "I'm bringing lots of drugs."

Thus: I really wish I could see Arthur & Yu during their fall tour, but the truth is I'll be setting up an impactful intervention for my muscular friend (think Benicio del Toro with huge pecks). This fall, many tears will be shed, but it will be a time for change. I allow Arthur & Yu to play the soundtrack to my life as I potentially fail in "cleaning up" my friend and learn to shoot up, break down, snort, sniff, digest, smoke, blow, suck, lick, fuck, chew, and stick objects up my ass that I never thought I would. In five months, Emceegreg will be at the finest rehab clinic that TMT can afford (a.k.a. M. P's shower). [Editor's note: bring your own shampoo, boy.]

Tourdates:

Laura Veirs Tours With The Decemberists, and I’m Uneasy About Making a Joke Because Her Music Is Just So Damn Innocent

Go on, just try and make a joke regarding Laura Veirs. If you do end up making a funny about her, then you're an asshole. That's right, you're a fucking asshole if you can't take Laura Veirs seriously. Homegirl is crazy talented and makes some beautiful music. Don't even call her out on her education either. She's fluent in Mandarin Chinese and has a degree in Geology. Also, don't even attempt to say that she's not musically versatile or active in supporting her gender either 'cause Laura soooo totally started an all-girl punk rock band called "Rair Kx!" when she was in college. Did you start one? Didn't think so.

Alright, I guess I could make fun of her for camping a lot with her family when she was younger. Come on, you can't get much lamer than that. I usually spend my summers inside being antisocial and playing video games, and look at me, I'm totally fine.

Catch the nicest and sweetest artist in the industry making magic with Colin Meloy and the gang at these dates:

* The Decemberists

Midwest Punk Rock Ethos Swarms Through Your Area with The Lawrence Arms (Ostensibly To Cause Mass Hysteria)

The Lawrence Arms will be touring with their own side-projects, The Falcon and Sundowner, in the "8th Annual Unbelievable Self-Indulgence Fest" for a punk rock explo... What. Yes, I know this isn't punknews.org.

What do you mean? Yes, it's Midwestern punk rock... but... they're all literary... and stuff.

You guys like that, right?

Ever read Bulgakov's Master and Margarita? So did they... they based an album on it!

LITERATURE!

I bet they can hang with Dostoevsky too. You consider yourself deeply spiritually troubled like Ivan Karamazov, right? You can probably find solace in their music!

See, you guys already have so much in common!

Look at how well this is going... you'll be in a circle pit before you know it.

What? Yes, there's a little bit of yelling... but so what?

No... no there are no synths... or unnecessarily complex... WHAT?

I mean. It's... No, they're not ironic...

What do you mean scene cred?

YOU CAN WEAR TIGHT JEANS AND ENJOY THE CRUNCHY GROOVES OF JUSTICE WHILE STILL LISTENING TO THEM.

COME ON.

THE LARRY ARMS ARE COOL! TOURING WITH YOUR OWN SIDE PROJECTS IS COOLER!

YES, I do agree that Dan Bejar is phenomenal at linking words together.

That's unrelated. WHEN DID I SAY THAT IF I LISTENED TO MIDWESTERN MUSIC I HATED PAVEMENT?

I DON'T EVEN GET HOW THOSE RELATE.

YES, I LOVE STEPHEN MALKMUS. I KNOW. HIS INDIFFERENCE ON STAGE IS FASCINATING.

I MEAN THAT'S WHAT THE LAWRENCE ARMS DO ,TOO. DESTROY THINGS. GET DRUNK.

THAT'S ROCK ‘N’ ROLL.

YES ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS A FUNNY SHOW.

I KNOW. DAVID LYNCH IS FASCINATING AND INTRICATE. I GET IT.

I DONT CARE THAT YOU SAW WILL OLDHAM BEFORE HE WAS BONNIE "PRINCE" BILLY AND THAT YOU UNIRONICALLY ENJOY MAINSTREAM RAP.

I LIKE EVERYONE'S EARLIER STUFF BETTER AS WELL... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY HERE.

I CAN STILL LIKE A PUNK ROCK BAND

COME ON.

...stupid hipsters...

*All supported by American Steel

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