For Twista, It Appears That McDonald’s Is No Longer The Place to Rock

Well, that’s my summer fucked up good and proper. 2007’s answer to Lollapalooza, the McDonald’s Live roadshow, has just gone and lost the main act for six of the remaining nine dates on the tour, as the rotund rap dude Twista has been thrown off his dates on the tour by McFuck’s themselves. They appear to have actually bothered to listen to one of his records and, unsurprisingly, ended up shitting their corporate bed. Mayor McCheese, realizing that Twista’s style was just too fruity for his over 99 billion happy servees and potential voters, was given the opportunity to elucidate McDonald’s stance on the issue. “Although we respect free speech and artistic expression,” said the deceptively delicious-looking burgher, “we do not condone or perpetuate derogatory language.” (Although, they are a little more equivocal on the perpetuation of obesity and colon cancer.)

Twista himself was surprised at his dumping, although considering that he once opined in song that he would like a particular girl he was courting to “put yo mouth around my scrotum and hold ‘em”, it won’t come as a shock to most. His surprise stemmed from the fact that he had heard “from certain people in McDonald’s that they were fans of the music and backed me.” Unfortunately for Twista, these ‘certain people’ only worked behind the counter at his local Mickey D’s, and did not include the real power brokers at McDonald’s -- namely Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, and Satan.

The show will go on, however, with Ne-Yo, Kenna, and other assorted no-marks appearing over the next month or so in McDonald’s parking lots across the country. I can barely wait.

Art Brut Doesn’t Tour Indiana, And Emily Kane Is Terribly Annoying

I’m walking down the street, grabbing at my crotch, high-fiving little children, and humming “Emily Kane” by Art Brut. To my left, posted up on a stair railing, is a beautiful girl. I try humming a little louder, hoping she would catch the tune. Right at the part when Eddie Argos hammers out the name Emily Kane, the girl fills in for me: "Emily Kane! Emily Kane!"

This is it, I think to myself. I have found the perfect girl. She has a beautiful ocean of long, crimson hair. Her figure looks to be good for a go. And to top it off, she knows Art Brut. I stop immediately, obviously, and try to stammer up a reply. Before I get anything out, however, she bites with, “That Eddie Argos can die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!”

What? No, I don’t think so. But her beauty keeps me from retorting. I simply ask, “What do you mean?” To which she rambles on about how she is the real Emily Kane, and Argos left her for some chick he met at a strip club while trading chicken fingers. I guess she phoned him for a month, but he refused to pick up the phone. Yadda yadda yadda. Boo-hoo. And this goes on for about five minutes, and all the while I’m thinking she really isn’t that pretty anymore. But I’m also thinking that maybe she would want to make Argos jealous, so I could invite her to catch Art Brut on their latest tour and we would make out passionately in the front row. I mean, yeah, I’d get to make out with her, and yeah I’d be at an Art Brut show (which would totally rule), but it’s mostly me wanting to help her. Right?

I tell her my plan of making Argos jealous next time he rolls into town, and then she starts talking about their latest album that just dropped and how every other song is about her, and I’m thinking, damn, is it really worth it? But somehow her mind gets sidetracked and she asks when their next show is. To which I reply:

Emily gets mad because we are in Indiana, but I keep her calm by telling her the internet is all abuzz with news that there will be an extended tour coming this fall. Maybe.

The Social Registry Do Their Festival Thing On August 11 and 12, and I Know This Is Completely Unrelated, But Have You Kids Seen That Dramatic Prairie Dog Video Yet?

The Japanese have wacky shows and The Social Registry artists have killer shows. See, maybe it's not so unrelated now, is it? Just look at this video, laugh your ass off, hate on me for being ridiculously late to the show because you've already seen it, and read about this cool festival I have to tell you about after the fancy embedded YouTube video.
[Isn't it sad that our first (maybe last) YouTube video be of that prairie dog? -- Ed.]

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height="350">

Come on, it's hilarious, admit it. Besides, you should totally see the Star Wars version too -- oh shit son, so funny. Anyway, The Social Registry is having a two-day, outdoor festival August 11-12, and they'll be featuring tons of their own artists. It's kind of like a cute fund raiser for the label, but it'll never be as cute as the dramatic prairie dog. Aw. The festival itself is dirt cheap for what you're getting; $15 for one day and $25 for both. Nice! So, if you live near Brooklyn, NY, here are some essentials:

Venue: The Yard

Address: 400 Carroll Street between Bond and Nevins

Directions: F or G train to Carroll Street / N or R train to Union Street

Hours: 1pm-9:30pm

Not only will some of the old skool Social Registry artists be performing, some new signings such as Growing will be droppin' some tunes at the fest as well. The Social Registry even has a special show up its sleeves by featuring a live performance by Ghost Exits. The festival will be the group's first live performance in three years! Cue the lineup:

Sounds like it'll be a good time. I'm off to YouTube to watch more Dramatic Prairie Dog ripoffs.

Percee P Teams with Madlib for His Debut LP; For Once, I Wasn’t Forced by an Advertiser to Write This Story

After making his first appearance almost 20 years ago on a D-Nique 12-inch (which you can hear sampled on DJ Shadow's "Napalm Brain, Scatter Brain"), Percee P's debut full-length album, Perseverance, is finally set for release September 18 on Stones Throw. And it's about fucking time. Percee P has worked with everyone from Jaylib and Jedi Mind Tricks to Four Tet and Kool Keith, so this dude's been around. Produced entirely by Madlib, Perseverance features appearances from Aesop Rock, Chali 2Na, Prince Po, Guilty Simpson, and Diamond D.

I sat down to talk to Percee P never, so we don't have any exclusive info for you. I was also too lazy to reach out to any publicist or label rep about the album. Does this make TMT look bad? Of course it does. But, I do have something super special to show you, as long as you do something for me first.

Okay... ready?

First, clear a small area in the room you're in and then find a couple dumbells. Got 'em? Cool. NOW START DOING SOME LUNGES, MOTHERFUCKER!

- Hold two dumbells in your hands by your sides.
- Step forward with one leg and lower your upper body down, bending your leg (don't step out too far). You should have about two to two-and-a-half feet between your feet.
- Do not allow your knee to go forward beyond your toes as you come down, keeping your front shin perpendicular to the ground.
- Push up and back and repeat with the other leg, or do all the reps with one leg then switch.

Man, you'll do anything for a tracklist. Fucking pathetic. Here you go:

AS(S)CAP Sues 26 Venues For Copyright Infringement; All 26 Venues Consider Selling Venues to Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch is a fucking idiot.

Anyway, pretend you're an owner of a venue (being a complete jerkoff is optional). You hire a young, probably white indie-rock DJ to fill the spot of a local group that canceled last minute, and he starts playing some shitty indie band (I don't know, The Hold Steady or something). What do you do? You pull the plug is what you do! As the owner of the venue, you know very well that you didn't pay the ASCAP licensing fees, and if you want to avoid sitting alongside the other 26 venues that were sued Monday for not forking over the dough, you best pay up first.

You see, a record company owns the "sound recording," not the actual song. The actual song (the words, music) is owned by music publishers, who will give you -- the venue owner, remember? -- the license to entertain your guests with the copyrighted music, like The Hold Steady (whose music is really owned by ASCAP). Oh, and here's another tip, junior: in addition to ASCAP, it'd be a good idea to contact BMI and SESAC, too. So, now your DJ can play whatever shitty indie and/or mainstream band he wants, and your ass will be covered. ISN'T CAPITALISM GREAT.

Alright, now fire that white DJ. He's making you look bad.

Here are the venues being sued by ASCAP:

The Mae Shi Add New Member, Release New Album, Tour For The First Time In Two Years, Then Trick Me Into Thinking They Are Playing At My House…

So, I got in touch with The Mae Shi after I wrote an article about them looking for people to help them book their summer tour. Didn't work out with, unfortunately (though, the show must go on), but they did finally get a $100-per-show tour booked, and they've even added a new member (John Gray, a jack of all musical trades) and are releasing a new album at the shows! New new new new new!

The album is called HLLLYH. You can pick it up on cassette (yes, cassette) while they are on tour, or you can wait for the Moshi Moshi digital download release this November. They've also got a limited-edition CD with them, hlllyh, which has a mish-mosh of beats and samples taken from the new album.

HLLLYH was written and recorded over the past two years and has become increasingly known through word-of-mouth. Like Shellac, The Mae Shi have decided not to send out copies to the press for review.

* XBXRX

% Meneguar

HLLLYH tracklisting:

1. Lamb & Lion
2. PWND
3. Boys in the Attic
4. 7 X X 7
5. The Melody
6. Leech & Locust
7. Run to Your Grave
8. Kingdom Come
9. I Get (Almost) Everything I Want
10. Young Marks
11. Party Politics
12. Book of Numbers
13. HLLLYH
14. Divine Harvest

Deerhoof Hyper-extend Fall Tour, No Actual Deer Harmed

Dear Deerhoof,

On behalf of the PETA organization, I hereby insist that you immediately cease and desist in your senseless, wanton, and ongoing character defamation of one of our most majestic and stately forest-dwelling friends and brothers, the humble Ruminantia Cervidae (that's "deer" to tragically uninformed laypeople such as yourselves).

This animal, one of God's most graceful and unassuming, has already been saddled with the brutal reality of man's careless encroachment into the wild, making him victim to constant automobile onslaughts and yearly Hunting Season massacres in America alone.

And now, your "rock and roll" (whatever that means these days!) band has the audacity to further persecute our noble friend, the deer, by attaching its otherwise pure name to the dissonant, spastic, and noisily-electric music of the devil. Sure, you may try to mask your pro-prog, anti-nature, deer-defaming agenda with clever, non-threatening album titles such as your most recent Friend Opportunity LP (TMT Review), but the facts don't lie. There is nothing friendly about your bizarre, shrill music. I can assure you that you have no friends at PETA.

Do you find it amusing to employ the name of this gentle mammal for your destructive musical ends? Are we to sit idly by while you promote the image of severed deer body parts, laughing all the way to the bank? Well, we at PETA can assure you that this is no laughing matter. Rest assured (especially you, Satomi Matsuzaki) that we will be urging our members and their families to boycott the following fall tourdates:

$ Bloc Party

% Smoosh

* Release the Bats with The Liars, Black Lips, & Deerhunter

Which reminds me :

Dear Deerhunter...

The Octopus Project Are Far Less Terrifying Than You Might Think, Are Touring

Assumption: The Octopus Project are thusly named because there are four normally limbed members, adding up to a total of eight arms.

Fact: There exists a two-part film, scored entirely by The Octopus Project, wherein a man is actually and accidentally attacked by a shark.

Assumption: The Octopus Project are releasing their new album, Avalanche October 9 through Graveface Records at least in part to atone for any slight involvement they had in the shark attack. Because they are nice.

Fact: The joke about a real life Octopus that is able to play music isn’t very good.

Assumption: The Octopus Project throw wonderful parties, inviting Black Moth Super Rainbow (with whom they collaborated on last year’s The House of Apples and Eyeballs) and Stereo Total (with whom they are touring much of eastern North America this fall.)

Fact: The Octopus Project should not be confused with The Arcturus Project in spite of the fact that they are both awesome and occasionally even sound similar.

Assumption: These will be fun events:

* Stereo Total

Liars To Tour With Interpol; Interpol Surround Themselves With Liars

In an exciting bit of tour news, New York City band Liars are setting out on the road to support both their new, self-titled album (out August 28 on Mute) and their large-and-in-charge Big Apple brethren Interpol on an autumn journey. From the palace known as Madison Square Garden to the plains of Idaho, Liars will play hype-man to the goth-rock circus that is Interpol. Unfortunately, Angus Andrew and the boys aren't the only liars Interpol keep as company. Without further ado, the top 10 lies told in the presence of an Interpol member:

10. "The video for 'The Heinrich Maneuver is so exciting."
9. "So true; her stories ARE boring and stuff."
8. "You don't sound that much like Ian Curtis."
7. "Can you believe it? Three albums in and no one's sick of this yet!"
6. "Hey Paul, you should wait until all of the music dies down to bellow the title line to 'No I In Threesome.' It's a killer."
5. "Two months on tour and those suits still don't smell."
4. "Underage groupie girls usually keep their mouths shut."
3. "Carlos, that mustache is straight-up sexy!"
2. "Sun exposure is overrated anyway."

1. "Cocaine should follow ecstasy like sleep follows masturbation."

I kid, of course. In other Liars news (the band, not the enablers), the Patrick Daughters-directed video for the album's first single "Plaster Casts of Everything" can be seen here and features a cameo from Karen O of Yeah Yeah Yeahs fame.

Interpol/Liars:

NBC Saves Me an Hour of Writing Time; Defends Corn Farmers

From NBC/Universal's general counsel in a recent anti-piracy FCC hearing

“Because of our nation’s interlocking economy, two-thirds of the lost earnings and lost jobs [due to piracy] are in industries other than motion picture production. For example, in the absence of movie piracy, video retailers would sell and rent more titles. Movie theatres would sell more tickets and popcorn. Corn growers would earn greater profits and buy more farm equipment.”

That's the joke.

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