Beastie Boys To Headline Benefit For The Institute for Musical and Neurologic Function; Nat Towsen To Be Fired For Attempting To Turn TMT Into Beastie Boys Fan Site
Thanks for sending in this article about the Beastie Boys. The Institute for Musical and Neurologic Function (which, as I’m sure you know, was “founded on the idea that music has unique powers to heal, rehabilitate, and inspire -- and that we can use music therapy to restore and improve our physical, emotional, and neurological health”) is certainly a topic appropriate for TMT. I think it’s great that you encourage readers to attend the benefit show on March 4, 2008 at Terminal 5 in New York City. While the $75 ticket price might be a bit steep for some of our buys-clothing-off-craigslist readership, I think that at least some of them will buy tickets from Ticketmaster.
What I am more concerned with is your headline (“I Hope The Beastie Boys E-mail Me And Tell Me That I’m Cool”) and the general tone of your article. While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I do not believe that phrases like “it’s too bad I’m not gay, because then all four of us could totally man-bone” are appropriate to music journalism. And your assertion that “Adrock invented brainz in da fifteenf century” is both poorly spelled and historically inaccurate.
It’s been a great run. I’ll give you that. When you weren’t busy writing thinly-veiled attempts to befriend bands that you like, you actually managed to produce some fairly cohesive articles that conveyed information. I will certainly miss your commitment to correcting the grammar of other TMT articles. No one has a dedication to the non-modifiable adjective quite like yours.
Nonetheless, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to let you go. I’ve received an overwhelming number of phone calls from the Beastie Boys of late, all begging me to ask you to stop hiding in their respective kitchen cabinets and crawl spaces. Also, Mike D has specifically requested that you stop sending him pictures of you two performing together at the Grammys. He has repeatedly told me that the photos are “clearly photoshopped” and that he would “definitely remember that.”
Good luck with the rest of your career. I’m sure a writer of your caliber and experience could easily find a job at Pitchfork or Blender, but I think we both know you’d rather not sully your reputation. Please leave your cassette player and sense of irony on my desk by Friday.
Eat a bag of dicks,
Hold the Fone! Califone and Iron and Wine Take One More Step Toward Becoming One Giant Band By Touring Together… Again
Tim Rutili has been around a while, and damnit, he can do whatever the hell he wants!
So he wants to claim that his band hails from both Chicago, Illinois and Los Angeles, California at the same time, even though they are over 2,000 miles away from each other? Who are you to point fingers??
So he wants to make records thematically linked to old Psychic TV songs that I'd never heard of before the Califone version because "the iTunes store doesn't carry Psychic TV stuff?" So what???
So he wanted to name his band after Califone International, a long-standing manufacturer of audio equipment commonly found in schools, libraries, and businesses? Who the fuck are YOU to tell him not to?!?
So he's decided to take old-standbys, close friends, and fellow folkies Iron and Wine on yet another U.S. jaunt this spring? And so both of those bands' most recent records, while both totally awesome, definitely bear more than just an eerie resemblance to each other because mutual friend and collaborator Brian Deck either produced or semi-produced both records in that same, folk-tronic, Brian Deckian way and clearly used a number of the same tricks on both because a lot of the tunes have exactly the same vibe and broke-down instrumentation and whisper-sung vocal style and layered harmonies and obtusely cool lyrics and slack-strummed acoustic guitars and brooding experimentalism and...
...well anyway, so WHAT? I mean, who the hell am I to call the man out on it?!?!
Don't miss the doppel-gang:
It has taken me a long time to write this story due to my battle with Knucklitis, a rare disease in which the knuckles swell up ten times their normal size. I was also trying to reinstate my position as the number one TMT reporter with the best hair and journalistic integrity. As I failed on numerous hair styles, like the "white guy flattop," I began to research the truth behind the "indie rock" band Tapes and Tapes.
Now, before I go any further, this all may come as old news to savvy readers of the music scene. As much as I would like to be fresh with our readers, literally, I find reporting the honest truth as my most
important objective. To be honest, I knew I had heard the name Tapes and Tapes from somewhere. But where? I was on the case.
Firstifull, I used the top secret information database where TMT reporters find their information. It's Wikipedia, and it turned up no results. I was about to give up, until a TMT reader named anonymous sent me an e-mail tip that it's Tapes ‘n Tapes, not Tapes and Tapes. D'oh.
A new search for Tapes ‘n Tapes on the TMT database led me to information that the band is in fact a popular Minneapolis buzz band from the year 2006. Apparently, they had a successful album released in 2005 that later got the foreskin of blog dicks trembling in ‘06. The band got so big that the sacred cow Nissan had a Tapes ‘n Tapes song featured in a commercial. I remember none of this.
According to my research, Tapes ‘n Tapes will hit the road this spring in support of their upcoming album, Walk It Off, which is due April 8. Sources claim they sound like an accessible mixture of Pixies and Built Spill. Whatever. I feel like 2006 was a billion years ago. I blame my memory loss on my disease. Hopefully, these guys can prove to me that they are worth all the fame they gained in ‘06.
See what happens, folks, when you try to be the best reporter? You end up with a Nike sign shaved on the back of your head, with a hand full of hair gel and knuckles that flare up so large that they scrape your penis every time you masturbate.
My only regret is that I have Knucklitis; tourdates:
A riot broke out at a Dead Prez concert last week at Olympia's Evergreen State College. Actually, one news source said the riot occurred at a "Dead Presidents" concert, but whatever.
The "disturbance" erupted when a campus officer came to break up a fight in the middle of the concert. She arrested a man for "investigation of misdemeanor assault," according to The Associated Press. A crowd of roughly 200 then surrounded the officer's car, urging the release of the person in custody. Backup was called. Since they had already retrieved the man's info, the Sherriff's deputies eventually decided to release him in an effort to appease the rioting crowd.
But like my mom always told me, where there's a riot, there's an overturned cop car. After a deputy's car wouldn't start, the crowd broke its windows, scribbled graffiti on it, and flipped that motherfucker over. A laptop and a radar gun were stolen, perhaps so the perps could both ensure no one speeds in a school zone and blog about it?
Some reports claim Dead Prez (and Suntonio Bandanaz) were unaware of the riot until after the show ended. Other reports claim Dead Prez played "Fuck the Police" during the riot. In any case, no one was seriously injured, unless you count the officer who got pepper spray in his eyes, who would by all accounts go well with chicken breast.
Tokyo Police Club Announce Plan To Escape The Stockholm Sheriff Squad By Releasing A New Album And Touring
It appears that our longtime rivals, the Stockholm Sheriff Squad, are on the loose again and have come looking for us. Thankfully, we came up with this brilliant two part plan to evade them.
Part A – Diversion:
Our debut full length album, Elephant Shell, is due for release April 22 on Saddle Creek in North America and May 5 on Memphis Industries in the UK. We hope that the Stockholm Sheriff Squad will be so busy trying to decode our lyrics for secret messages that they’ll leave us alone for the time being. The tracklisting is as follows:
Tokyo Police Club
Pretty & Nice Join Arthur & Yu, the Dutchess & the Duke on Hardly Art Records; The Captain & Tennille Aren’t Getting Their Hopes Up Or Anything, But Honestly They’ll Take What They Can Get When It Comes to Reasons to Get Up in the Morning These Days
With the economy facing seemingly imminent downturn and the unemployment rate growing higher and higher every day, it seems the Bostonian lads in Pretty & Nice have made the only smart economic decision left: Start a band and have it underwritten by a division of Sub Pop records.
With Hardly Art’s extremely competitive benefits package, 401(k) plan, and profit-sharing system, Pretty & Nice will soon be more prepared for the next Great Depression than most people half their age. And if this is any indication of things to come, I’d say America has a lot to learn from Pretty & Nice.
The group is taking their show on the road for South by Southwest next month, and I’m told that if you’re drunk enough, their performances double as financial advice seminars.
Prove me wrong:
* Exit Clov
# Fred Weaver, A. Armada
[Full disclosure: I'm good enough friends with Pretty & Nice that, strictly playing the odds, I'll probably see one of them later and talk about this very sentence.]
Cat Power Announces April Dates for North America, Dances The Watusi Despite Publicists Telling Her Not To
Since the release of Jukebox (TMT Review) earlier this year, Cat Power has been touring NON-STOP. Just kidding!! But she has been touring quite a bit. She has one show left in the U.S. (at Los Angeles' Wiltern Theater) before she heads to Australia for a li'l tour. Then she gets to relax? Course not! Cat Power has just confirmed even more North American dates with her Dirty Delta Blues band for April. Oh, boy, it's going to be doozy.
Sierra Leone (jk!):
I am sick, so my creative powers are at an even lower ebb than usual. Also, I have to go to work, so get ready for a germ invasion, retail associates!! In the spirit of this totally lackluster day and in appreciation for how much I totally want to go to bed, I present you with the following story about A Whisper in the Noise's upcoming European tour, complete with the excessive punctuation I will attempt to use as a distraction for how totally foggy and out of it I am.
So, Minneapolis-based group A Whisper in the Noise are bringing their loud/quiet/bleak/quiet brand of atmospheric rock to Europe this spring!!! They'll be promoting their late-2007 release Dry Land, available from Exile on Mainstream Records!!! WOW! Did I mention that they are touring EUROPE?!?!?! WOW, again, just WOW.
** The Winchester Club
1. Think of an obnoxious headline.
2. Fill in the body of the story with bullshit and be sure to use the
a. Headlights are from Illinois.
b. Scout Leader Kyle is a genius.
c. They reside on the Polyvinyl Record Co. Label.
d. Headlights has a new album named Some Racing, Some Stopping coming out this year.
e. Brett Sanderson from Headlights has a large penis.
f. Headlights are on tour.
3. Add these tourdates:
all dates Evangelicals
Björk Announces Euro Tour After Exxon Mobil Announces $40.6 Billion Profit (True), Gets Off Soap Box To Let Me Have a Ride
Björk, two-time Soap Box Derby champion, has traded in her soap box for... music? That's right. Björk has said goodbye to the Soap Box world and hello to melodies and beats.
"It's true," says Derby commentator Sebastian Block. "Björk seems to be fed up with the politics of soap-boxing. And I'm not talking about the disproportionate power relations behind the scenes. I'm talking about Senator Hillary Clinton. Björk hates her. I do too."
With the U.S. economy already in a fragile state -- the words "recession" and "depression" appearing frequently in the media -- Björk claims she is most upset with Exxon Mobil's early February announcement that it has scored its highest, all-time corporate profit: $40.6 billion.
According to this article: "The profit taken in by this single company amounted to more than the gross domestic product recorded in two thirds of the world's nations, placing the company midway between Ecuador and Luxembourg, while its total sales—more than $404 billion—top the GDP of 120 countries. It is more than the entire amount spent by the US federal government on K-through-12 education."
Björk's decision to let me hop in her Soap Box couldn't come at a more opportune time, as I have been eagerly awaiting to report this disgusting news, especially since a lot of major media aren't. Somehow I doubt Obama or Clinton will specifically address this bullshit.
This soap box feels kind of good. Only at TMT I guess:
* Tim is Reader of the Day!