Straight from the Presiden’t Desk: Sonic Youth to Record Exclusive Song for Starbucks; Hell Freezes Over

In a recent exclusive AIM interview with the President of the United States of America, Thurston Moore told the Oval Office that Starbucks will be releasing a new Sonic Youth compilation album with an exclusive song and a tracklist made up of celebrities like Portia de Rossi and Michelle Williams' favorite Sonic Youth tunes.

Here's the interview:

GeorgieNhizBush: Yeeeeehawww! Hey, Thurston, how the %^*# have you been?! LOL

apatheticAnDproud38: Hey Georgie! Whut's ^ foo'? I just mailed u a mix tape <3

GeorgieNhizBush: NMU? Thirsty, The Pentagon and I jest decided to seize the Greenland ice cap and blow it up, so we can keep selling SUV's and not worry 'bout dem caps meltin'!

apatheticAnDproud38: Aw shit, I love my SUV. It's got SO MANY CUPHOLDERS!!! ;)

GeorgieNhizBush: Yep. Wana get some joe?? Er some oil?? I sure do luuuuvs oil! $$$

apatheticAnDproud38: Nah dood, I just drank dis new hot-chocolate-mega-mocha-kappa-gamma-frothy-ass-latte from STARBUCKS!!© Oh, speaking of STARBUCKS!!©...

GeorgieNhizBush: ...Uhm, Thirsty, how come ya keep typin up dat copyright thingy-ding when ya say Starbucks??

apatheticAnDproud38: They pay me everytime I do it!

apatheticAnDproud38: ANYWAY! STARBUCKS!!© is gonna have Sonic Youth CDs on the counter with the biscotti and the Dixie Chicks CD real soon!

apatheticAnDproud38: We're getting a buncha hot babes to pick all the songs from our back catalog for it, and we're recording an exclusive song for it too, 'cos we know that all our biggest fans are also incidentally STARBUCKS© frequenters!

GeorgieNhizBush: YEEHAW!!! I LUV STARBUCKS! ..Got n e good porn?

Dark Meat Pack Up Drumsticks and Wing Their Way Northward for Tender, Juicy Tour

You know something? Dark meat always gets a pretty bad wrap, man. Sure, you can get those giant turkey legs at County Fairs and such, but as beautiful of a sight as that is, it's generally more due to sheer portability and inherent "pirate factor" than anything else, I think. (n.b. I, myself, must confess to getting into many-a-pirate-themed sword fight with friends using the aforementioned giant legs of Turkey when I went to Disney World back in High School. And this was BEFORE Johnny Depp made pirates badass again)

And yeah, sports aficionados have been known to get-down on a plate or two of wings, while they're huddled around the ol' LCD flatscreen with friends and neighbors. But that hardly counts; those things are so covered in tangy marinades, chunky dressings, and tongue-fucking spices that the chicken is little more than a conduit for the heart-clogging condiments.

It's sad but true. Fact is, if given the choice, just about everybody everywhere would opt for the white meat when feasting on fatted fowls of any kind. The dark meat's usually the first thing to go whenever a turkey is carved up on Thanksgiving, and face it: if a burger joint sold a chicken patty sandwich made of dark meat (I think I had one from a Hardees in a rest stop once, actually), the patrons would be heading for the nearest Wendy's in a hurry. Dark meat usually just gets kind of a raw deal.

Until Now, that is.

Athens Georgia's own Dark Meat (a.k.a. Dark Meat Vomit Lasers Family Band/Galaxy... don't ask) are trying their damnedest to turn things around for the much-maligned legs and wings of the world. This 18-piece (or so) order of psych-fried, backwoods, secular-gospel howlers is gonna be representin' big time over the next few months, when they peck their way into just about every venue in America they could fit into in a single summer, spreading their down-home goodness all over a city near you to promote their recent raucous release, Univeral Indians (Orange Twin). 18+ musicians all on the road at once?? Man, it's gotta be a pain for all of them to exit when one guy's gotta go to the bathroom!

So, if you're not doing anything this summer (maybe because you're unemployable due to the fact you smoke as much these cats do?), feel free to grab one of those turkey legs from the County Fair, hold it up high, and march on over to the Dark Meat show. Who knows? Maybe you can use it as a weapon like I did and get some free merch... or arrested... either one, really...

Finger lickin' dates:

Os Mutantes Overcome Differences for Second Summer in a Row, Offer Cheezy Grins, Please Critics

Rumors abound as to why Os Mutantes, the seminal Brazilian tropicalia group, disbanded in the 1970s. One of the least pervasive, yet most convincing rumors:

Arnaldo Baptista decided the band would play a different brand of guitars and urged his brother Sergio Baptista, "From now on, we will play Gibson, the guitars of Jimmy Page."

Sergio, preferring a different make of guitar — presumably Fender — simply would not have it, and Arnaldo was subsequently sent into a catatonic downward spiral, later requiring institutionalization. The brothers underwent a typical Noel-Liam (Gallagher) rivalry for many several years until Sergio decided to let bygones be bygones.

In an act of brotherly kinship, Sergio invited Arnaldo to dinner, whereupon Arnaldo witnessed wall upon wall lined with Fender guitars. Arnaldo lost it again, once again requiring institutionalization.

Last summer, Arnaldo, after seeing the decrepit state of the once virile Jimmy Page, saw it fit to reform Os Mutantes. American audiences were able to view for the first time Arnaldo's wispy tendrils blowing in the Chicago night, his hammy grin showcasing years of near-insanity in New York City, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, and Miami alike.

Though publications such as the Chicago Tribune suggest last year's appearance at Pitchfork Music Festival was one of the top ten live music moments of the year, the audience seemed in on the sarcasm involved in a three-decades-in-the-making reunion. In other words, it was relieving that the festival was ending, the reunion much akin to seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd or The Police. It seems like a good idea; you're glad to experience it, but...

Os Mutantes will release Everything is Possible later this year, a reissue of 1999's greatest hits collection, available through David Byrne's label, Luaka Bop, where an alternative biography may be viewed.

Arnaldo's grinnin' on showcase at these fine American metropolises:

GG Allin Has a Small Penis – That’s Right, I Said It; MVD to release “Special Edition” DVD this August

So, this one time, an angel visited Merle Allin Sr. in his sleep and told him his son would be a great man. Like the Messiah. So, the dude names his first kid Jesus Christ Allin. Splendid, right? Then his mom changed his name to Kevin. GG, a.k.a. Jesus, a.k.a. Kevin (whatever) went on to front GREAT bands like The Scumfucs, The Texas Nazis, The AIDS Brigade, The Fuckin Shitbiscuits, The Swanfucks, The Toilet Rockers, and The Drug Whores, to name but a few. What's-his-face died in 1993 of an overdose after a show, probably in a pool of his own vomit and shit, just as he liked it.

A YouTube search of "GG Allin" will already provide you with all you need to ever see from the "shock artist." But still think pooping on yourself is cool and want to see more? Well, if that's the case, then you can run out and spend your allowance on HATED, a 60-minute GG Allin Special Edition DVD of him shitting on himself and teabagging poor girls in the audience, to be released August 7 through MVD Visual.

It gets better: MVD promoted a cover art contest for this "Special Edition" DVD. The entries are "very graphic in nature" (quite laughable) and can be viewed here.

In addition to three music videos and commentary tracks by Todd Phillips, Merle Allin, and Dino Sex, the DVD contains exclusive interviews with Allin and Arleta Gunther (GG's mom.) If that weren't enough, be one of the first 5,000 to own this DVD, and you'll have a chance to get a poster of GG's portrait by John Wayne Gacy (because serial killing is cool) AND GG ALLIN TEMPORARY TATTOOS!!! I presume they will be poop tattoos you can smear all over your face. At least I hope so.

"HATED," highlights the featuring "hits":

Sleater-Kinney to Release Retrospective DVD; My Heart Still Broken

The last time I really thought about Sleater-Kinney breaking up, I was at one of their last shows in NYC last Summer. Since then, it's been buried deep, deep down in my most repressed of memories. But this morning, out of curiosity, I went and poked around to reminisce a bit and to see if anything was up.

According to their website, SK are compiling a DVD and VHS video for a retrospective that will surely bring a reminiscent tear to our eyes. SK are asking that you kindly send copies of any footage you might have of them to them, in an attempt to "make a complete visual artifact, leaving no stone unturned."

No solid details about the release of this retrospective have been released as of yet, and the band promises not to use your footage without your permission. Upon release, we expect thousands upon thousands to curl up with some popcorn and a soda (and probably a box of tissues or two.)

Send your eye candy here:

College-Age Pink Floyd Fans Name August 28 Honorary 4:20 in Spirit of {Piper at the Gates of Dawn}’s Reissue; EMI to Take Financial Advantage of Bros Everywhere; Or Look Behind You, Prospective Buyer! It’s a Chick Who Digs Guitar Players… Oh, No, Sorry, That’s Just the Back of a Young Roger Waters

Time to spark up a collective doobie, rhythm-guitar-strumming, chick-digging, sweat-stained Bros of America!

Spotting an opportunity to earn a quick buck at the expense of cool dads and rookie stoners everywhere, EMI will re-release Pink Floyd’s Piper at the Gates of Dawn August 28, honoring the 40th anniversary of the Syd Barrett-dropping, LSD-popping band’s psych rock debut. Apparently, the box set includes three discs -- both a stereo and mono version of Piper at the Gates of Dawn, plus one disc of “rare” B-sides and demos, available to all who purchase said album and probably to those who send emails to EMI riddled with virtual winking, cough-coughing, and Benjamin-slipping (or Washington, depending on how you roll) in the rare case that a prospective buyer’s just too busy to head out to a record store, with obligations like:

(a) playing with da’ band for a love of music, made evident through shirtless solos and closed-door sessions with groupies who can’t keep their hands to themselves;

(b) coaching his son’s little league game;

(c) smoking a blunt and playing Guitar Hero;

(d) smoking two blunts and playing Guitar Hero II;

to purchase a copy before they... sell out... ?

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH: Packaging was designed by Floyd-a-licious collaborator Storm Thorgerson, which includes reproductions of stuff from Syd Barrett’s notebook.

AND, I’M ONLY TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE WE’RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS: Rumor has is that 50 box sets distributed randomly in record stores across America include (laced) vintage temporary tattoos, that when licked, will certainly kick a ruby slipper-ed foot in the ass of that time you and your buddies watched The Wizard of Oz with the sound off and jammed out to The Dark Side of the Moon after smoking a blunt and playing Guitar Hero.

You’ll feel music, man, you’ll feel it.

I can’t spell away this hurt that’s drippin’ down my cheek… The Mendoza Line’s D-I-V-O-R-C-E will be final someday, but not before they release a two-disc send off.

It is not a well-known fact, but after history’s most famous psychologist/analyst/research findings-fabricator Sigmund Freud said his famous last words (“My dear Schur, you remember our first talk. You promised to help me when I could no longer carry on. It is only torture now, and it has no longer any sense.”) and before he went on to the great beyond, he actually turned to his companion and angel of mercy Schur (who was preparing the fatal opium dose at the time), smirked and said, “Women. What do they want?” That is a bit of a loaded question, isn’t it Siggy? Well, I just assumed they wanted pretty much the same things men wanted: a bottomless keg in the garage, steakums on Saturday night, and ten uninterrupted minutes a day in the can with the Victoria Secret’s catalogue. Am I right or am I right?

We’re not sure what women want. And we don’t know what most men want. We don’t know much. We are not sure what The Mendoza Line’s Shannon McArdle wants, but we know it won’t involve her former partner and paramour. We don’t know what Tim Bracy wants either, but we do know he will carry on The Mendoza Line name without his spouse and sidekick. To celebrate (what?), um, commemorate (closer...), er, close the chapter (that’s it!) on the dissolution of their marriage and the reworking of the Mendoza Line line-up, the band will release a two-disc package before both Bracy and McArdle start the next phase of their respective lives.

We would never cheer for a break-up, but if it has to happen, we hope some great music comes from it at least. 30 Year Low is the couple’s last album together as part of The Mendoza Line, and it will be available August 21 through Glurp. The eight-song (mini) album comes packaged with a second CD of covers (Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Richard Thompson, Cole Porter, Arab Strap), live takes, demos, and unreleased songs called Final Remarks of the Legendary Malcontent. Coping with heartbreak and loss has never been this easy.

30 Year Low:

1. Since I Came
2. Aspect of an Old Maid
3. 31 Candles
4. I Lost My Taste
5. Love on Parole
6. Stepping on My Heels
7. Thirty Year Low
8. Tell It to the Raven

Final Remarks of the Legendary Malcontent:

1. Anything Goes
2. It Helps To Leave the House
3. Fleur de Lie (live)
4. Withered and Dies
5. Tougher Than the Rest
6. Go Shopping
7. Now Or Never Or Later (original demo)
8. Packs of Three
9. Tax Me
10. It Takes a Lot To Laugh, It Takes a Train To Cry
11. I Am Small
12. Golden Boy (live)
13. The Likely Nominee
14. Mysterious in Black
15. Mike T. Interlude
16. Over the Hill
17. Angry Crafts
18. Metro Pictures

Devendra Banhart Goes on Tour While I Stay Home and Start a Series of Exquisite Corpses

Remember that time Devendra Banhart was in that music video with Beck? Too bad Beck is a total scientologist. Maybe a few passages from Dianetics will help Devendra clean up. Shave, get a haircut, get a real job. I’ve heard he’s always wanted to adopt some Chinese children; just go ahead and realize that dream, buddy!

Oh, but if a dream is but a dream, then a boy is but a boy; though we all know an eight-year-old is quite different in soul and britches to a twelve-year-old, but let’s not hold it (or him) against Devendra. Think “Little Children” on tour, coming to your town! Trust me, these will be all-ages affairs. No confirmation yet, but word is kids under twelve get free backstage passes. So when your girlfriend’s little brother wants to tag along, just send him backstage and start in on the tonsil-hockey.

Afterwards, don’t even worry about cleaning up, these kids know they have to pick up after themselves if they want animal crackers and apple juice. The minivans pull up and it’s quiet again, but not for long. An inviting scent seeps under the curtains and you feel as insignificant as Jennifer Aniston after her split with Pitt, because yet again, the Petya Romanov family has overcome the internet.

Devendra Banhart Tourdates:
09.01.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom
09.02.07 - Seattle, WA - Bumbershoot Festival
09.04.07 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
09.06.07 - Santa Cruz, CA - Rio Theater
09.07.07 - Berkeley, CA - Zellerbach Hall at University of California
09.10.07 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre (Native American benefit)
09.12.07 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Auditorium
09.13.07 - Lawrence, KS - Liberty Hall Theater
09.15.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
09.16.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theater
09.18.07 - Chicago, IL - Portage Theater
09.19.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theater
09.21.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Danforth Music Hall
09.22.07 - Montreal, Quebec - Le National
09.23.07 - Burlington, VT - Davis Center Grand Ballroom at University of Vermont
09.25.07 - Boston, MA - Roxy Ballroom
09.27.07 - New York, NY - Grand Ballroom
09.29.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Theatre of Living Arts
10.01.07 - Washington, DC - Sixth & I Historic Synagogue
10.04.07 - Nashville, TN - City Hall
10.06.07 - Dallas, TX - Granada Theater
10.07.07 - Austin, TX - La Zona Rosa
10.09.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater (Native American benefit)
10.10.07 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theater
10.12.07 - Phoenix, AZ - Marquee Theater
10.13.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Orpheum Theatre

Blonde Redhead Tour For Two Months This Fall; Abruptly Stop For Recognition and Hot Chocolate

I once sat on my ass and read through one of those hot chocolate coffee table books. You know, the ones that people intentionally display in their homes to act like they're much cooler than you. Oh me? I do it too -- big deal. Now back to the subject at hand, and believe me, this subject was definitely in my hands one dark and cold evening last winter. It consumed my mind and forced me to make myself a cup of hot chocolate. Plus, I discovered many amazing facts about hot chocolate that I will now spontaneously share with you!

- In 18th Century England, Chocolate Houses were built for the elite hot chocolate drinkers because chocolate was a rare and expensive commodity.

- Hot chocolate was originally just called chocolate since the chocolate bar hadn't been invented by Willy Wonka yet. After the invention of the chocolate bar, the elite chocolate aficionados were forced to call their precious chocolate drink, "hot chocolate."

- Hot chocolate is extremely tasty with marshmallows.

- The first hot cocoa recipe originally involved cocoa, water, wine, and peppers. Ew, peppers!

- Hot chocolate is even tastier with marshmallows and whipped topping.

- Hot chocolate is typically associated with James Taylor Christmas covers, sledding, fleece blankets, and making out on a couch near a fire.

- Hot chocolate is even more ridiculously tastier with marshmallows, whipped topping, and chocolate syrup on the whipped topping. To add to the tastiness, you can even add a peppermint stick for aesthetics and taste.

For more of those amazing facts, visit a coffee table near you! Now back to the real creamy, chocolaty substance of this story.

Blonde Redhead may or may not drink hot chocolate to current scholarly coffee-book knowledge, but the minimal two-month tour during the months of August and September and not the wintry months to follow could only be explained by a desire to create more excellent indie rock and/or pat themselves on the back for getting their new album 23 (TMT Review) into the best-of lists for 2007. And let us not forget the real reason for the short jaunt. Blonde Redhead will need lots of time this winter to try the plethora of delicious hot chocolate drinks of the world.

I just heard from a friend of a friend of a little birdie in the industry that you can buy special-edition Blonde Redhead hot chocolate mugs at these venues:
08.03.07 - Chicago, IL - Grant Park (Lollapalooza)
08.04.07 - Cleveland, OH - House of Blues
08.05.07 - Brooklyn, NY - McCarren Park Pool *
08.07.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Fillmore #
08.08.07 - Baltimore, MD - Ram's Head Live #
08.17.07 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues
08.18.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Sunset Junction
08.19.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
09.07.07 - Northampton, MA - Pearl Street
09.08.07 - Montreal, Quebec - Parc Jean-Drapeau (Osheaga Festival)
09.09.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Islands Park (V Festival)
09.10.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theater
09.12.07 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note
09.13.07 - Oklahoma City, OK - Bricktown Ballroom

* I'm From Barcelona
# Beach House

The Thermals Tour Without Butt Flap; Baby Exchanges Erupt Across Europe

ther*mal [thur muhl]

-adjective

1. warm and stuff: thermal hot water springs boil people die in Dante’s Peak)
2. hot; awesome; tubular: my roommate has been trying to get the word thermal to take off since the tenth grade because he thinks it would be thermal to invent slang; alternative energy is thermal (and sometimes also thermal); this is a thermal way to spread information

ex. A: “Yo, that new Burning Star Core disc is THERMAL.”

B: “I been diggin on that new Bjork shit, which is totally thermal too. Also she’s from Iceland, which is the other kind of thermal. Thermal!!”

A: “I would go skinny-dipping in that natural hot spring, but that scene in Dante’s Peak was definitely not thermal with me.”

B: “Yeah, it is not thermal when they keep playin that flick on USA. Get off it already.”

-noun.

1. thermals thermal underwear: sometimes thermals have a thermal butt flap see: [union suit]
2. Therm a place where unhappy parents trade their newborn children in hopes of getting some kind of child prodigy for their mediocre offspring: let’s bring Jimmy to the Therm baby exchange
2. The Thermals a punk trio soon to be touring: The Thermals are toootally thermal:

* The Big Sleep

# Ted Leo R/X

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