A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, Busdriver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says he'd love to know, so Busdriver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says Busdriver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule; the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm Busdriver!"
More funny shit as Busdriver Daedelus, and Antimc tour the U.S.
CAUTION: This bus takes WIDE turns!
I have no idea why they call it AIM*. I suppose the idea is that you “aim” to communicate with your friends by means of a standardized text protocol, lol-ing them into a false sense of security, so that you can rofl their feathers from a distance. Regardless of its unclear etymology, AIM is one of the most popular tools for businesspeople who need to send tiny pictures of winking faces across the world instantaneously. For example
SpencerMorgan: ur 4 hilary rite? ;)
Along with last week’s release of AIM 6.5, AOL (pronounced “owl”) released the plugin AIM Tunes, which allows users to listen to, but not download, music shared by their buddies. It works similarly to iTunes’ shared libraries, but [anywhere on the planet]. No other program is required, however, as the music plays directly through AIM. DRM-infected files, such as those purchased from the iTunes Music Store, will not work with AIM Tunes. But hey, you should have known what you were getting yourself into when you bought those downsampled Fall Out Boy AACs. Enjoy your ringtones.
Using AIM to share music is hardly a new concept. Last May, a developer from AOL Greenhouse released a plugin called Buddy Tunes, which performs the same function as AIM Tunes, but requires users to run iTunes as well. And, years earlier, AIM introduced a far more powerful file-sharing tool called “Get Files.” By allowing users to set up a shared folder, AIM enables its users to download any files, regardless of size, that their buddies are sharing. This shared folder can be any folder on your computer, such as, perhaps, your automatically organized iTunes Music Library. And as you can limit your sharing to people on your Buddy List, there is very little risk of being caught by pesky RIAA agents (just don’t accept messages from the screen name “ReallyIsntAnAcronym”).
How long will it be until someone develops a program in the vein of MyTunes/getTunes/ourTunes that allows you to actually download the music streaming through AIM Tunes? Or does Get Files render AIM Tunes useless? Perhaps the one advantage to AIM Tunes is that it can easily be used to listen to your own music from anywhere, so long as you keep AIM running on your home computer. If you’re a Windows user, you can put AIM Tunes to the test yourself by downloading it here. If you’re a Mac user, I suggest you quietly continue to use Get Files in AIM 4.7 (released in 2004) and hope that AOL continues to forget about you, lol.
* Oh, AOL Instant Messenger. Got it.
John Cage Quotes To Circle Melbourne’s Federation Square October 11-27; TMT Unveils “4.33” (Blog Remix)”
Honda and Sony BMG team up to create world’s most boring news story ever. I also take full liberty with the use of asterisks. I also just kicked ass on my 19th Century American Lit midterm, so you should get me tickets to Art Brut and the Hold Steady in Chicago. I also heard that Emceegreg and Mr P are having unchristian relations*.
This week (the week before Justice plays the Metro -- a show I have yet to score tickets for, hint hint) marks the kickoff of Honda's groundbreaking ad campaign. You ask, what is this new ad campaign? Well, Honda knows their audience and they know their audience loves cutting-edge music. So, they will now be sponsoring online releases of songs and videos via a media player that will feature exclusive Honda branding, original 15-second pre-roll ads and interactive buttons that will direct viewers and listeners seeking more information about the brand to the Honda Web site. What cutting edge artists are they to sponsor? Well, such innovators as Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Dido, Alicia Keys, The Fray.**
Sony BMG will be distributing this kick-ass media player (say goodbye to Winamp***) to several bijillion similarly kick-ass websites. The content will also be downloadable to a host, nay a deluge of blogs (did someone say BrooklynVegan?).
The campaign marks the first time that Sony BMG has sold an ad package encompassing all of its new music video releases to a single sponsor via its year-old website, Sony BMG Music Box. The campaign also marks the fifteenth thousand time Sony has done something that I don't care about.****
Jenny Howell, manager of interactive marketing actually said this about the new campaign: "[It] helps create the impression that Honda is cutting edge and on the forefront with our youth target." What? So Honda just appears to be cutting edge? Avril Lavigne doesn't suck? I'm so confused.*****
Edmund Purcell, who oversees the Honda account at RPA, Santa Monica, CA (also of Chronicles of Narnia fame), said he wants the Music Box campaign to be an "experience," a really somniferous experience. He also came up with this great whopper in response to our generation's want of music: "They also understand that without sponsors this kind of content is harder to get." Yeah, I'm really cramping to find that X-Tina B-side. PSYCHE!
One sick thing is these ads/videos can be transportable, so you are able to paste them onto people's MySpace pages!******
After the groundbreaking move by Honda, Sony said they are going to most definitely (dewd) let others in to team up on sponsoring videos and kewl shit. AT&T has reportedly signed on for something.*******
* Probably a lie.
** Not a joke.
*** Attempted joke.
**** That is a lie. I actually just put my first down payment on a 2008 Civic Si complete with angsty necktie hanging from the rearview mirror and Bluetooth capabilities.
***** I forget why I put those asterisks there.
****** myspace.com/protestantthighs - leave me lots of photo comments.
******* Sorry this story was lame, I'll blame it on the recovery time needed for the Shitfaced Newsathon.
Famed film director Martin Scorsese has announced he will direct an in-depth documentary about the late George Harrison. News of the film has music fans, who were overcome with excitement thinking about Scorsese’s already completed Rolling Stones movie Shine a Light, creaming their pantaloons in droves. Scorsese made the magnificent The Last Waltz. If that isn’t an achievement in its own right, Rolling Stone placed it atop its “Home Theatre Special: Top 25 Music DVDs” list in its recent issue! You don’t get to the top of any list without being the best! Just ask Billboard’s Number 1 album this week Still Feels Good by Rascal Flatts! And last week’s #1: Reba McEntyre’s Reba Duets! Or the Douchey McDoucherson who topped the nation’s Top 200 chart the week before that! Scorsese also made No Direction Home: Bob Dylan, which made #10 on the same Rolling Stone DVD list. You do NOT get to the ten spot on any list without being awesome! Just ask Number 10 album on Billboard: Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates by Kenny Chesney! Or the #10 album on last week’s chart: Twista’s Adrenaline Rush 2007! Ugh... it never ends.
[It should also be noted that Scorsese made the unlisted Gangs of New York, his biopic which shed light on the intense rivalries and brutal battles between Big Apple street packs Interpol, The Bravery, The Walkmen, Yeah Yeah Yeahs (yeah, yeah...).]
Oh, who am I to snidely sideswipe Scorsese or poke fun at anything? The man is movies and his documentaries have been brilliant. I am nothing and I can’t even spell brilliant (without using Señor Spellcheck). This time around, Scorsese’s subject could not be more deserving of a lifetime look-see; Harrison (click here to see what he looks like) was a quiet enigma who had more layers than an obese onion. He was a wonderfully complex, deep-spirited character and one hell of a talented songwriter and musician who lived as a third-class citizen in the shadows of (arguably) the two most important songwriters and musicians ever.
Scorsese said this of the project in an e-mail press release: “Harrison’s music and his search for spiritual meaning is a story that still resonates today and I’m looking forward to delving deeper.” The project has the blessing from Harrison’s wife Olivia, too. The widow Harrison, who will co-produce the as-yet-untitled film, says, “It would have given George great joy to know that Martin Scorsese has agreed to tell his story.” Needless to say, we can’t wait until it comes out; we haven't heard “When We Was Fab” in ages! November 29 will be the 6th anniversary of Harrison’s death, after succumbing to lung cancer and a brain tumor.
Radiohead Love The Sound Of Radio More Than You Know; Near Radio Quality MP3 Downloads Of In Rainbows Out Now!
Okay, so that headline was a slight exaggeration; we all know that an MP3 file encoded at 160kbps is a better quality recording than that heard on FM radio. But perhaps the question we should be asking is "Why is Radiohead offering their new album in lower resolution audio files on the official launch date?"
According to the official e-mail distributed by the W.A.S.T.E. system, the digital release format for In Rainbows will be a ZIP file containing ten DRM-free 160kbps MP3 files. (Hey, at least they didn't completely screw over Mac/Linux users by offering the dreaded Windows Media Audio files I lovingly avoid like the plague.) Conspiracy theorists believe the 160kbps encoding may have been used to deter file-sharing on torrents/sites which require at least 192kbps.
On a positive note, iTunes offers really shitty, DRM-laced AAC files encoded at roughly the same bitrate for 0.99 cents a track. When you think about it that way, Radiohead's concept is still a step up from the usual horseshit song-and-dance that the music industry attempts to serve its customers on a daily basis. (No, not that puppet master dance that Elijah Wood did on Yo Gabba Gabba, the other horseshit song-and-dance.) Not to mention the fact that the majority of these artists aren't half as interesting as Radiohead.
Anyway, the download has been available for hours now. Happy listening!
Get this, Reader Baby:
CD sales are declining.
YOU: OH MY GOD. WHAT? ARE U 4 SERIOUS?
And you won’t believe this, but it’s reported that 2008 sales will be strikingly worse.
YOU: WHAT??? DID NOSTRADOMUS SEE THIS? THIS WAS NOT PROPHESIZED...
Okay, don’t get a bee in your bonnet, Baby. Apparently, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and Target, who combined represent the biggest CD sellers, plan to cut their floor space for music by 20-40%
And I don’t have to tell you twice, So Incredibly Dependent on Wal-Mart Reader, that the diminished presence of discs in major retail chains could setback the process by which you’re able to get your hands on a sticky-sweaty-good copy of Kelly Clarkson’s latest by a good hour and change.
It’s a sign of the times, mmmmmhmmm.
M.I.A. Tours With The Cool Kids For The Cool Kids; Even Cooler Kids Skip These Shows Because The Venues Are Big and Like, Not Cool
[This news is super-interactive. If Teen Vogue can do it, so can we.]
Presenting... the inaugural Official Cool Points Quiz: M.I.A. & The Cool Kids Edition!
1. Award yourself a point if you can name the latest M.I.A. full-length as well as the rapper's heritage.
2. Give yourself 2 points if you can name M.I.A.'s ex-boyfriend and frequent collaborator. One bonus point for the title of their mixtape together.
3. Add 3 points to your score if you can name the sample used in the M.I.A. song "Paper Planes."
4. Tack on another 4 points if you can name the frog-voiced rapper that gets a verse on The Cool Kids' song "Gettin' It."
5. Five points if you can finish this Cool Kids line: "A little bit of gold and a _ _ _ _ _."
6. Increase your score by 6 points if you know the story behind the new M.I.A. single "Jimmy."
7. You earn +7 if you saw M.I.A. on tour for her first full-length. One bonus point if you can name that album.
8. Finally, please subtract 4 points from your score if you actually calculated your total up this question. You have to prove your coolness? Come on.
Answer Key: 1. Kala (TMT Review), Sri Lanka 2. Diplo, Piracy Funds Terrorism Vol. 1 3. The Clash - "Straight to Hell" 4. Lil Wayne 5. pager 6. The song is a cover of "Jimmy Jimmy Aja" from Disco Dancer, a Bollywood film 7. Arular 8. Shame on you!
RESULTS: If your score totaled between 0-5 points, please read Pitchfork more often and hopefully you can catch M.I.A. on her next tour. If your score ended up between 6-12, this is your ticket to one of the following shows! Have a blast. If your score was over 13, you're probably totally over M.I.A., but you could always just go for The Cool Kids and leave before M.I.A. takes the stage. We bow in your presence.
M.I.A. with The Cool Kids:
Patience Is Not a Virtue, It Is a Waste of Time. We Want a New Six Organs of Admittance Album Now (or by November 20 at the very latest)!
“We shall support everything that the enemy opposes and oppose everything that the enemy supports.” Like Mao Zedong, some folks are just plain stubborn. Take Ben Chasny, for example. Just when you thought you could pigeonhole him with a convenient tag, he turns his heels and strides confidently into another guise, be it Badgerlore, Comets on Fire, August Born, Current 93, Plague Lounge, Basalt Fingers, or Six Organs of Admittance. I am positive there are more Chasny outfits that I am forgetting, but I am advancing the strict paragraph word count imposed by Chairman P dangerously close to the breaking point. I would go on, but if I show a bit of individualism and stretch the rules, the result may be castration (TMT’s book of state policies is fuzzy on this point; the only words I can translate clearly are “nuts” and “vise,” so I’m not going to take my chances, if you don’t mind).
After spending much of 2006 jumping in and out of a wide variety of studio and tour beds, Chasny opted to concentrate his efforts this year on his Six Organs of Admittance project. Flanked at times by Matt Sweeney, Elisa Ambrogio (Magik Markers), Tim Green (Fucking Champs), and Comets on Fire bandmate Noel Harmonson, the resulting album is bound to be his most focused and confident disc as Six Organs of Admittance. Or maybe it will be his most frazzled and fragile record. Regardless, Shelter From the Ash will be out November 20 on Drag City.
Chasny notes on the Six Organs website that Shelter From the Ash contains “Themes of war, the end of the world, the inherent evil in leaders as they send the young to die, abandonment, the singularity, the impending 'accident,' and those sorts of general good times abound. Have fun!” Um, I like the where you are going with this album Ben, but you forgot to mention rampant epidemics, intolerance, the increasing trampling of human rights, tragic poverty, global warming, stepping in doggie doo, and NASCAR among your list of underlying charged influences. Some people just cannot be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! Chasny is not a number; he is a free man, man! To rebel is justified!
1. Alone with the Alone
2. Strangled Road
3. Jade Like Wine
4. Coming To Get You
5. Goddess Atonement
6. Final Wing
7. Shelter From the Ash
Who wants to see a true master of guitar manipulation at a bar or venue where you can get pissed, be with like-minded people who follow and respect the artist, and get a full show’s worth of material in the manner intended by the performer when you can sit cross-legged on the shit-bum floor of a record store with scores of pea-brained cheapskates under the warm feel of fluorescent lights, sober? Hooray for no one! Yeah, yeah, sure... in-stores rule
11.16.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Amoeba Music (Hollywood), 6:30 PM
11.17.07 - Berkeley, CA - Amoeba Music, 4:00 PM
11.20.07 - Portland, OR - Jackpot, 6:00 PM
11.21.07 - Seatlle, WA - Sonic Boom (Capitol Hill), 7:00 PM
[Photo: Kami Chasny]
While paging through Jesu's press releases and writing this story, I'm noticing a theme. Fronted by Justin K. Broadrick, founder of GODflesh? "Conquering" the year 2007? My fingers inexplicably typing that stray "s" as I try in vain to write a TMT headline? The bright light filling my bedroom as I type? Thank god (Ha! No capital "g" for you!) New York City is so polluted, or I would surely be swept out the window by the force that is "Jesu."
Fresh off releasing the ultra-limited Pale Sketches (a compilation of unreleased material) earlier this month on Avalanche Recordings, the group releases new music today with the Lifeline EP (Hydra Head/Daymare). With loads of new tunes in queue, take to heart my warning when I tell you it is TOTALLY conceivable to be overtaken by the crushing beauty (she's getting all sincere-like, folks) that is Jesu on tour.
This would be longer, but quite frankly, my attention span barely made it through this list of dates. Holy Jesu, indeed:
Lifeline EP tracklist:
2. You Wear Their Masks
3. Storm Comin' On
4. End of the Road