Petya! Remember When You Saved Colin Meloy’s Life? Well, Fuck Him Because He’s Touring And That Cheap Asshole Isn’t Coming to Ohio or Indiana!

Everybody likes The Decemberists, but I will tell you right now that no one likes The Decemberists more than fellow TMT writer Petya Romanov and I. We'll fucking die for Colin Meloy, and if we were intoxicated, we'd totally die for Chris Funk too. In fact, one time Petya saved Colin Meloy's life. You didn't know because he's just too god damn humble to tell anyone about it. Petya, I know how you feel about this story, but the masses need to know the truth!

...

It's been about two years now since the life-saving event occurred on Febuary 24 2006. Petya and I had just met in Portland, OR and were attending some of the many titty bars in the neighborhood. (We originally went to spend our money on Portland's amazing music scene, but after we discovered the incredible sex scene, we decided that our money would be better "invested" elsewhere.) It was probably about 9:30 PM when Petya pointed at his AAA Guide: XXX Edition and promptly decided our next stop. We rolled into George's Dancin' Bare around 9:40, and both of our jaws dropped -- but for two very different reasons. My gaze was immediately drawn to a brunette dancing on one of the poles closest to the bar, and I start heading over that way. Petya grabs my shoulder and yells, "Scout!" He then proceeds to grab my head and point it toward the most bad-ass thing I've ever seen: Indie rock god Colin Meloy was getting a fucking lap dance right there in George's Dancin' Bare, and Petya and I got to watch! Petya gets all giddy and takes out his autograph Sharpie, while I run over thinking of how I can score an interview with him.

"Colin Meloy!" we scream. He gets up without saying a word, the stripper tumbling to the ground. He starts to quickly walk out and proceeds to trip; as Meloy falls, his glasses fall off and his cellphone flings out of his hand. His glasses promptly get crushed by a passerby, while his cell phone begins chirping a polyphonic version of "Engine Driver." Meloy is on the ground pouting, and he's looking at his cellphone screen, but he can't see who's calling since the motherfucker is blind as a bat without those hip black-framed glasses. Petya picks up Meloy's phone and says, "Oh shit, dude, it says 'the ol' ball & chain.'" Meloy flips out and yells, "What? Give me my fucking phone." We can tell he's wasted out of his mind. Meloy tries playin' it cool and he proceeds to sweet talk his wife by saying "Hey Carson, how're you, hunny?" After about a minute, he ends the call and stands up, as if he's just received the biggest fucking buzz kill of his life. Petya notices the problem and asks Meloy if Carson's water had broken. Colin looks stunned, and he asks Petya if he's a doctor. Petya replies by saying, "No sir, I'm a music journalist." Meloy smiles and throws Petya his car keys.

Minutes later, we're in Meloy's Z28 with Petya at the wheel and Colin riding shotgun to the hospital. We're on the interstate, rushing toward the hospital as fast as Petya's driving skills can safely get us there. When we finally make it, Meloy looks like absolute shit. We try and clean him up; Petya takes off his own black-framed glasses and hands it to Meloy. Miraculously, Petya's prescription is the exact same as Meloy's! Colin gets out of the car and thanks us. As Meloy stumbles toward the hospital, I hop up to the driver's seat and Petya winks at me. I tell him he's done a great thing and high-five him. We drive off in Colin Meloy's car, listening to some unreleased Decemberist's material that Meloy was jamming to.

...

If you'd like to support the man that is Colin Meloy who's supporting his new solo live album, Colin Meloy Sings Live! (due in April on Kill Rock Stars), then go see him at one of the following shows. You can even pick up an exclusive Colin Meloy Sings Sam Cooke album! Who know, maybe he'll be wearing Petya's glasses?

Kanye West Launches Search Engine, Redistributes Wealth by Owning Truth

Earlier this week, our favorite li’l progressive culture nugget Kanye West (along with Prodege LLC) launched SearchWithKanyeWest.com, Mr. West’s brand-certified search engine powered by Google and Ask.

Users can expect to earn “Swag Bucks,” which bring them ever-closer to sweeter Kanye merch.

Pshh. And people say the dude's decadent.

Something you may or may not know, Little Hip One: THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.

As in: check the site below to lend your worthy support to Alice in Chains, Randy Moss, Barry Manilow.

Never Joking,

Pookie Bear

MV+EE Tours, TMT Live-Blogs Super Tuesday, Which Is Still Relevant As Long As You Imagine It’s Still Happening

So we’re kicking off TMT’s “Super Motha’ Fuckin’ Tuesday (on Wednesday)” "live"-blogging session with the formidable coverage of ABC (mainly because the other terrestrial stations ‘round here are still stuck on regular programs):

- 9:35 PM

An anchor opines that perhaps the youth vote will turn out “if we give them iPods.” Diane agrees smirking, “Yes, let’s keep raising the stakes. Pizza, [then I’ll raise you one chortle! with] pizza and toppings.” You might as well take me to Chuck E Cheese; that way, when we bring video games into the equation, we won’t have to travel far.

- 9:55 PM

A commercial for Oprah’s Mindfuck 2k8: “Give away this sum money! Wait, you’ve won our arbitrary contest, here it is back! Wait, you have to give away again, sucker!” Okay, so I made that last part up, but c’mon... please Guild writers come back. I can’t steal jokes off Conan’s ad libs.

- 9:56 PM

The local news bulletins are so cute. But then they have much less time to fill than the national anchors, so there’s less stumbling. The cuteness evens out.

- 10:01 PM

Charlie Gibson just held back a burp while calling Oklahoma for John McCain.

- 10:07 PM

For a moment we just heard an ABC producer say, “They’re holding up a sign,” which doesn’t really explain why a professional camera crew can’t find a spot without a placard blocking Mike Huckabee’s eerily greased visage. Why are his eyes 95% pupil? (1. Shark DNA 2. He’s goes to the same CVS as Rush)

- 10:22 PM

The guy from Law and Order is on a commercial. Isn’t he running? I am confused.

>>> Switch to NBC:

- 10:35 PM

Talk of John McCain’s Maverick-ness. Still, he don’t compare to the real Maverick.

- 10:44 PM

Joe Lieberman talks like a muppet.

- 10:46 PM to 10:55 PM

Pee break. And I ate a cookie.

- 10:30 PM

Alright, I’m sick of watching this – wayyy too many states to keep track of (oh wait, “Conservatives love contrarians!” Damn you, Peggy Noonan, damn you and your ilk) And here’s your MV+EE with the Golden Road tourdates:

# w/ Samara Lubelski

$ w/ Doc Dunn and Chris Davis

@ see MV+EE's MySpace for full tour support, cause, shit, don’t you know there’s an election goin’ on??

Dizzee Rascal’s Maths + English Finally Coming to the US; Big Gulps and XXL Tweety Bird T-Shirts Finally Coming to the UK

Let's get this straight. Since June 4, 2007, when Maths + English was released in the United Kingdom, those on the other side of the pond have been unable to get their grubby hands on an actual copy of the album without paying import prices. Granted, you could purchase the album digitally, but something tells me that the cross section between Dizzee Rascal fan and the endangered species that is the record-buying public puts some stock into a physical manifestation of their $14.99. And they wonder why we pirate music.

So, while "Pussyole (Old Skool)" still makes me feel unsettled, I'm proud to announce that almost one year later, on April, 29, 2008, Maths + English will wash ashore at a United States record store near you. Featuring the album's UK-repping guest spots from Alex Turner of The Arctic Monkeys and Lily Allen, as well as Texas' finest UGK (R.I.P. Pimp C), the album will also feature new tracks "G.H.E.T.T.O.," "Driving," and a "Where's Da G's" remix by Def Jux head-honcho El-P, whose label is responsible for bringing Americans this long-delayed LP.

The Mercury Prize Nominated tracklist (+3):

It's 2008, my friends, and this year's Bonnaroo is headlined by... Pearl Jam and Metallica? I guess! Scheduled to take place June 13-15 on what many people are reporting to be a 700-acre (I counted 689 acres) farm in Manchester, Tennessee, the 2008 Bonnaroo Arts and Music Festival will surely be a blast. How do I know? Why just check out these sorta kinda sometimes not really TMT-relevant acts scheduled to perform: Battles, The Fiery Furnaces, Jose Gonzalez, My Morning Jacket, Talib Kweli, Broken Social Scene, and Sigur Rós.

Then, of course, Robert Plant will be there performing, not in the much-rumored-about Led Zeppelin reunion, but with Alison Krauss. There will be a Led Zeppelin cover band called Lez Zeppelin though.

OH, AND VAMPIRE WEEKEND WILL BE THERE.

Songs against sex:

Destroyer Promotes Misogyny on Upcoming Tour; Women Welcome Under Strict Provisions

Wikipedia: Destroyer (pronounced "destroy her") is a hatred or strong prejudice against women. Those holding Destroyeristic beliefs can be of either sex. Although Destroyer is sometimes confused with misanthropy, the terms are not interchangeable, for the latter refers more generally to the hatred of humanity. A concept related to Destroyer is gynophobia, the fear of women, but not necessarily hatred of them. The obsolete Latin language term horror feminae (literally "fear of women) may be used as a synonym both for Destroyer and gynophobia.

Destroyer is considered by most feminist theories as an implicit motivation of political ideologies that justify and maintain the subordination of women to men. Such ideologies are typically called sexism, by analogy with racism and antisemitism. Destroyer is, therefore, often associated with anti-woman sexism, as misandry is associated with anti-man sexism.

Destroyer's anti-feminist concept album, Trouble In Dreams (working title was Women Suck), comes out March on Merge. Yep, March on Merge.

Sarah McLachlan:

* Colossal Yes

^ Andre Ethier

$ Devon Williams

Suicide Squeeze Starting 7-Inch Series, Amazon’s Shitty Selection

Check out Amazon's vinyl section here. I'm sure you saw the front page and cringed, or maybe you did a search and were disappointed. Either way, their shitty selection's not the point. Instead, Amazon's new vinyl push is yet another sign that vinyl is penetrating the mainstream again. Even corporate "indie"-style stores like Urban Outfitters sell turntables to hipsters. Shitty USB fuckin' devices with plastic platters, but turntables nonetheless.

But enough about the resurgence of popularity in collecting vinyl; let's talk about what to put on that turntable.

Suicide Squeeze, a Seattle label whose first release was a 7-inch and who has braggin' rights to say it has worked with Modest Mouse, Elliott Smith, and Minus the Bear, has just announced a new 7-inch series. The first artist is HEALTH, followed by Coathangers, School of Seven Bells, Black Moth Super Rainbow, and Dave Bazan (Pedro the Lion) sprinkled throughout the year. The Squeeze says it will be announcing more releases shortly.

Let's just hope you play them on a turntable that doesn't look like this.


7-inch release schedule:

- 02.19.08 - HEALTH “Perfect Skin” b/w “Perfect Skin Curses! Remix”
- 03.18.08 - The Coathangers “Shake Shake” b/w “Dreamboat”
- 04.08.08 - School of Seven Bells “Silent Grips” b/w “Used To” (Wire cover)
- 05.06.08 - Black Moth Super Rainbow Zodiac Girl” b/w TBA
- 11.04.08 - Dave Bazan - Songs TBA

Practical Advice, Brought to You by Tilly & the Wall’s Tour

Nebraska pop kids Tilly & the Wall seem like fun-loving, carefree people. They’ve got glockenspiels. They’ve got a designated tap dancer for their shows. They’re all great friends. But they write songs that, under the guise of sweet lovesick ditties, are actually a goldmine of practical help for everyday life. So, if this tour doesn’t pan out, they might have alluring futures in the home improvement or customer support industries:

- Problem #1: The ecstasy’s wearing off and you’re fucking BEAT.

Solution from “Nights of the Living Dead”: Pass out on your neighbor’s lawn.

- Problem #2: They didn’t have the first season of The Wire in at Blockbuster.

Solution from “Brave Day”: Predict and plan your funeral.

- Problem #3: Best friend drowning in the ocean.

Solution from “Reckless”: Get drunk and don’t worry about it.

All non-festival dates with Capgun Coup:

The dudes from The Pirate Bay go harder than anyone else in the game -- that much is undeniable. Still, they are not bulletproof. Piercing their near-invincibility (innate with being Swedish) is a new lawsuit at the hands of public prosecutors charging the torrent directory Dream Team with preparing and participating in copyright infringement. Like some sort of juiced-up Team America behemoth, the Pirate-hating coalition -- I guess you could call them ninjas -- consists of labels and studios, including Warner, MGM, Sony BMG, Columbia Pictures, and 20th Century Fox.

The defendants, then, are Pirate Bay operators Carl Lundstrom, Peter Sunde, Frederik Neij, and Gottfrid Svartholm Warg (not to be confused with Peter, Björn, or John). The charges reference only four computer games, nine movies, and 20 music files, but in this Red Scare/witch hunt hybrid, even "promoting other people's infringements of copyright laws" is potentially criminal. The Swedish prosecution team is demanding payment of 1.2 million Kronor, which I assume is a currency somewhere between Monopoly money and gold bricks, and if found guilty, the men could face up to two years in jail. Think prison in Sweden would be a cakewalk? Little known fact: HBO's Oz was based there.

Responding to all haters and potential lawsuits, the boys strike back on their site stating, "Only torrent files are saved at the server. That means no copyrighted and/or illegal material are stored by us. It is therefore not possible to hold the people behind The Pirate Bay responsible for the material that is being spread using the tracker. Any complaints from copyright and/or lobby organizations will be ridiculed and published at the site."

Apparently, 9,424,845 peers can, in fact, be wrong. John Kennedy, Chairman and CEO of the IFPI, said the Pirate Bay "managed to make Sweden, normally the most law abiding of EU countries, look like a piracy haven with intellectual property laws on a par with Russia," and went on to call the site "the international engine of illegal file-sharing." Argh, matey. We'll see who gets the booty.

Warning: The following is entirely fabricated, except for the parts about Grand Archives going on tour, John Stamos, and the ‘secret death knife.’

...

Last time we left The Indie and the Beautiful, Marty Crandall of The Shins was accused of domestic assault, the unpredictable (and foreign) Björk made her 37th attack on a reporter, and Vampire Weekend played "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" in a scene at the Peach Pit. This week, we follow Mat Brooke, former guitarist and vocalist of Carissa's Weird and former guitarist for Band of Horses.

While cruisin' the strip with club kids Brian Austin Green, Screech, and James St. James, Brooke and his new band Grand Archives have a run-in with Ben Bridwell, lead singer and guitarist of Band of Horses, at Club White People. Even though he once said he was cool with Mat leaving "his" band, Ben suddenly pushes Mat into an ice cream truck.

He calls Matt a "no good for nothin', sellin' out pussy." Mat's Grand Archives crew tries to break up the fight, but instead they have to rush Brian Austin Green to a hospital after he took too much ecstasy.

"Duder, I'm not going to fight you," says Mat as he suddenly punches Ben in the grease stain where his groin used to be.

[After a few other side stories, including Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jens Lekman's relationship on the rocks, we come back to the showdown outside of Club White People.]

John Stamos climbs out of a limo to break up the fight, just like in every other episode. Stamos says that it's not how many records you sell or how many floozies you sleep with (he says this shit every time), but what counts is how well we play music from our hearts. As Stamos starts to play his version of The Beach Boys' "Forever," Mat shouts at Screech to throw him the ‘secret death knife.’ "Screech, throw me the secret death knife!"

Mat catches the knife midair, and then in one singular motion he stabs Ben in the heart. "You're a ghost now, old friend," says Mat as he tosses the bloody knife back to Screech.

"Stamos, put a Forkcast in him, because this mutha is done."

...

Tonight's episode featured music from Grand Archives. You can buy their self-titled album February 19, released by Sub Pop, and you can see them
on tour at the following dates:

Next week on The Indie and the Beautiful:

- Is Cat Power pregnant with Wolf Parade's Babies?
- Will Times New Roman defuse the Baker Street bomb on time?
- Will Aesop Rock ask Devendra Banhart to marry him?
- Does anyone really give a shit?