Ariel Pink and Cass McCombs on Tour, Need You to Play Tambourine

Quickly! Ariel Pink and Cass McCombs have scheduled a tour starting next month, and they need YOU! Coincidentally, the tambourine players for both Ariel Pink and Cass McCombs' touring bands died in some sort of accident... I think it was related to a car... Anyway, who gives a shit; the important thing right now is that you get a tambourine pronto so you can shake shake shake with Ariel Pink and Cass McCombs. Can't afford it? Of course you can't! Thankfully you've come to TMT, the cheapest, stingiest motherfucking online zine known to man.

Here's what you need to do:

1. Staple or glue two paper plates together, facing each other.
2. Using a hole punch, make holes around the plates and tie jingle bells to the holes with string.
3. Decorate the tambourine with crayons.
4. Shake to play.

Note: Heavy duty paper plates may be more durable for this craft.

Safety note: If using a stapler, an adult should do this. Someone named Natalie works best. When finished be sure to cover the staples with scotch tape.

Tip: Practice playing along with Ariel Pink's full discography, as well as McCombs' new album Dropping the Writ, slated for a October 9 on Domino Records.

And there you go, jackass!

MF DOOM Not Dead. Stones Throw B-Ball Zombie War Compilation Not Dead. Music Television? Dead.

Prompted by constant haranguing about the whereabouts and whatabouts of MF DOOM, Stones Throw felt it necessary to post this on their website: “Every day for the past month we’ve been hit up by people wanting explanations, statements, clarifications, and declarations about MF DOOM. Is he lip synching? (No. Listen to the videos on YouTube.) Is he an imposter? (No, but he did lose some pounds.) Is he in the hospital? (No, he’s in his studio…or if not there, you can find him in the pub with the grub stain.)”

So, he’s not “fighting for his life in the hospital” as was stated at his cancelled Central Park show on September 22? (No.) And he isn’t sending imposters lip-synching or lip-synching imposters at his shows as many have postulated? (No.) Is he on the new Stones Throw roundball-themed, 2K Sports Co-Sponsored Peanut Butter Wolf Presents 2K8: B-Ball Zombie War on October 2? (Yes, he appears on two tracks: with Guilty Simpson over top of J Dilla’s “Mash” for “Mash’s Revenge” and with Q-Tip and Talib Kweli over Dilla’s “Lightworks” on “Lightworking.”) But we can find him in the pub with the grub stain, right? (Yes.) Can we find him in the club with the StubHub plane? (No.) Can we find him in the rub-and-tug with the Cub Scout gravy train? (Yes.) Can we find him in the sub with the cocaine pull chain, and if so, can we find him in that same sub with a chub external nasal vein? (No.) Can we find him in the tub with the scrub from Ukraine? (Yes.) Can we find him in the hub with a nub full of Rogaine? (Yes.) Can we find him hanging out with a shlub from Napoleon’s Leipzig Campaign? (We won’t rule anything out, but probably not.)

There. All questions answered. No bricks!

1. Supreme Team (Madlib & Karriem Riggins) - "See" (Suite)
2. MED - "Break It Down"
3. Guilty Simpson - "Make it Fast"
4. J Dilla (featuring Q-Tip & Talib Kweli) - "Lightworking"
5. Percee P (featuring J. Rocc) - "Legendary Lyricist Pt. 2"
6. J. Rocc - "Super Sound"
7. Madlib - "The Wigflip"
8. J Dilla (featuring MF DOOM & Guilty Simpson) - "Mash's Revenge"
9. Oh No - "Action" (Rap Version)
10. Beat Konducta - "Trouble"
11. Quasimoto - "Hydrant Game" (Jaylib Remix)
12. Aloe Blacc - "Find a Way"
13. Dam-Funk - "Sidewayz"
14. Baron Zen - "Electronic" (Koushik Remix)
15. James Pants - "Ka$h" (Peanut Butter Wolf Remix)
16. Niko & DJ Babu - "Now You Know"
17. Koushik - "Basketball Beat"
18. Arabian Prince - "Professor X Saga"
19. Jonathon Brown - "Bass Creator's Groove"
20. CX Kidtronik (featuring Tchaka Diallo) - "Big Girl, Skinny Girl"

Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck Offend Everyone… Ever,Tour U.S., Render Jokes Useless

There is a scene in the first season of the now-cancelled television show Arrested Development in which the youngest of the adult Bluths, a coddled mama's boy named Buster, upon being released for a day from his mother's vice grip, joins his older siblings in a healthy little bitch-fest about mother Lucille's ice-queen ways. After a few playful jabs from his brothers and sister, the normally reserved Buster joins in and unleashes his pent up fury by imitating his mother: "’Cause I’m an uptight... (long bleep)... Buster... (longer bleep)... you old horny slut!” To which his brother Michael sheepishly replies: "Well, no one's going to top that."

It's sort of like naming your band Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck.

Right up there with dead baby jokes, nothing can make you a complete social outcast like telling people your favorite band is Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck. And it doesn't get any easier from there. "Oh, it's just this grindcore band that works on sexual shock value," you might try to insist. "Their first CD, I Stuck My Boner In The Blender, is a genre classic, but they really came into their own on P.T. Barnum's Gallery Of Masturbatorial Disenchantment." By this point, you're already ostracized, so you might as well finish. "They put out all their releases on their own label, Foreskin Forcefield."

Seriously. And wait until you see their cover art.

If you're a-okay with lonlieness and possible persecution, you can download two new singles from the band's MySpace and then catch them on tour with Rhode Island grindcore legends, Suffering Bastard.

DRM’s Not Dead; In Canada, However, It’s A Little Poor

A study published by CIPPIC -- the Canadian Internet Policy and Public Interest Clinic -- claims that DRM technology flouts Canada’s strict privacy laws, in particular the universally feared PIPEDA (Personal Information Protection and Electronic Documents Act). According to the report, DRM is being used to collect, use, and disclose personal information of users, without giving the user a chance to agree-to or opt-out of this process. As such, it’s breaking Canadian law.

“The privacy concerns with DRM are substantiated by what we saw,” said David Fewer, a nurse who works in the aforementioned clinic. He added that in order for organizations not to be in breach of PIPEDA, and “if there's personal information collection use or disclosure going on, there has to be consent and the form of consent has to be appropriate to the circumstances." I guess he’s talking about the ‘watermarking’ of DRM files with e-mail addresses, IP addresses, and whatever else they manage to jam in there. The report also claims to have found links between DRM and internet marketing organization DoubleClick, suggesting that the information garnered by DRM may be being shared with organizations such as them.

Apple, as well as the other users of DRM technology implicated in the report, appear to have been literally too cowed with fear at the prospect of breaking Canadian laws to have responded. However, a fellow by the name of Christopher Levy gave us his tuppence worth, and we can rely on Mr Levy to provide a dispassionate view on the proceedings; after all, he is CEO of an organization named BuyDRM. "It's unfortunate that consumers have been misled by a lot of vocal critics,” murmured Levy in his sensually persuasive burr, before launching into a veritable orgy of low-grade similes (all seemingly calculated to enrage the homeless): “The truth is DRM is no more evil than the lock and key that's on your door, the alarm on your car, or the authentication system in your cell phone."

Of course, the issue of privacy is taken quite seriously up here in Soviet Canuckistan and was the main reason that Canadian courts have consistently found that Canadian ISPs should not be compelled to give up the names of alleged file-sharers to the CRIA (the Canadian equivalent of the RIAA), making P2P file-sharing essentially legal up here. Although the report will undoubtedly be pretty much ignored by those companies that use DRM in their files, this is perhaps less important than the way in which the report illustrates the fact that, for at least now in Canada, issues related to music-downloading and file-sharing are very much skewed in the benefit of the consumer of the products, rather than the music industry. It remains to be seen how long this situation will last.

Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

The Flaming Lips Continue Buffet of Lies Regarding Christmas on Mars, So Why Are We Getting Seconds?

I wonder how many times we've reported a release date for Christmas on Mars, The Flaming Lips' highly anticipated full-length movie. It's been delayed so many times it should've had at least a couple sequels already. In fact, it's been six years. Can you believe that!?!?

I sure can. You know what they're doing right? They're dangling a piece of meat/carrot in front of your ugly face, stringing you along as they laugh themselves silly to the fucking bank. FUCK THAT NOISE. From here on out, I'm boycotting The Flaming Lips. I don't care how Wayne Coyne told Billboard that the movie has better special effects or how it's being transferred into a High Definition format or how they expect to premiere the film at 2008's South By Southwest. It's all lies, lies, lies!!

These psycho rockers need to be taught a lesson. You can't just fucking, fucking, you know, fucking make some sweet-ass movie and not release it, you know? You just can't. So if we're boycotting, this means you can't do the following: (1) listen or think about The Flaming Lips starting immediately after reading this news story; (2) watch the new Farrelly Brothers movie The Heartbreak Kid because they contributed music to it; (3) watch the as-yet unannounced Disney movie for which they wrote the theme song.

Hopefully they can get their shit together by the time they release the follow-up to At War with the Mystics, but if they can't, no skin off my back. Check what idiot Wayne said recently: "I have ideas I think could spur a great new Flaming Lips concept and a new sound and things like that. But I feel like we have to finish Christmas on Mars before we jump into anything else. Hopefully we'll be able to do that next year, though."

Whatever Wayne. STOP LYING TO YOUR FANS. JUST STOP IT.

Ms. Jones had been awake for an hour or two finishing up some leftover beluga and Veuve Clicquot left on the nightstand, but was just now getting out of her four-poster. It was just too hard some afternoons to get off that mattress (word was that the mattress was stuffed with dod feathers and locks of child prodigies’ hair). She squatted over her Hermès carryall because the 12-foot walk to the bathroom was “just too far.” She rang her Fabergé bell to summon “the help.” A young boy was there in a flash to begin the arduous task of leading his patron everywhere with a golden hose of spring water (Ms. Jones likes a constant feeling of walking on water). She boarded her custom-made Craft-matic adjustable stair chair and descended to ground level where Mimzy, her blue ribbon-winning French poodle; Caesar, her champion stud French bulldog; and Pierre-François, her champion stud French chef (and, like the time it was violated in the pantry with half a leek dipped in crème caramel at madam’s Emmy Awards after-party, occasional drunken lay) greeted her with open paws and arms. The classy star finally opened her insured-for-$3-million-synthetic-mouth to speak: “Pee-air Fraaaaan-swaaaa? Can you carry down the elliptical bike for me? I feel like getting my sweat on down here today. And don’t let ‘Jorge’ or whatever his name is (it was Derek) take those kitchen scraps home to his fam-a-lia or his “homies” today... Mimzy and Caesar get peckish around midnight. Speaking of ‘Pablo’ or whatever his name is (it was still Derek), can you get him to clean up my Hermès bag upstairs... I think one of ‘my children’ did a little doodie in it, hee, hee...”

Ms. Jones? Nah, this cannot be the same Sharon Jones -- soul sister number one, 110 pounds of soul excitement, the same sister who’s so bad, she’s badder than bad -- can it? Would Sharon Jones of Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings ever stoop to such celebutante nonsense? No, that kind of diva behavior is left for wooden actors and dented humans like Scarlet Johansson and George Clooney. Star Jones maybe, Sharon Jones never! Oh well, if this entirely fictional spectacle above was true, it would be warranted. Yes, the fame train has arrived at Daptone headquarters and with good reason: the hardest working woman and band in showbizniz are set to have a banner end to 2007, and we can’t think of anyone more deserving. Relentlessly touring, Jones and the Dap-Kings will do what they do best: hit the road in support of their latest disc 100 Days, 100 Nights. The good times begin on October 6 with a record-release party at the legendary Apollo Theater, then the band will whisk across the Atlantic for some European dates before coming back for a month of shows in North America

10.06.07 - New York, NY - Apollo Theater
10.16.07 - Bordeaux, France - Theatre du Vigean
10.17.07 - Barcelona, spain - Sala Apolo
10.18.07 - Lyon, France - Ninkasi Kao
10.19.07 - Paris, France - L'Elysée Montmartre
10.20.07 - Nancy, France - Nancy Jazz Pulsations
10.23.07 - Koln, Germany - Alter Wartesaal
10.24.07 - Brussels, Belgium - Ancienne Belgique
10.25.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso Upper Hall
10.26.07 - Hamburg, Germany - Mandarin Kasino
10.27.07 - Berlin, Germany - Bohannon Soul Club
10.30.07 - Weisbaden, Germany - Schlachtof
10.31.07 - Vienna, Austria - Supersonic Festival
11.02.07 - Zurich, Switzerland - Jazznojazz Festival 2007
11.03.07 - Nice, France - Theatro Lino Ventura
11.09.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Downstairs
11.11.07 - Montréal, Quebec - La Tulipe
11.13.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Lee’s Palace
11.14.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
11.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Park West
11.16.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
11.17.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Turner Hall
11.18.07 - Indianapolis, IN - The Vogue
11.20.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
12.01.07 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up Tavern
12.04.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater
12.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bimbo’s 365 Club
12.07.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge
12.08.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumo’s
12.09.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom
12.10.07 - Bellingham, WA - The Nightlight
01.04-09.08 - Jamcruise! (Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Roatan, Honduras - Costa Maya, Mexico)

If it weren’t enough to witness the band live, there’s the upcoming Christmas Day present of seeing Jones on the silver screen and, of course, a new album! Jones will croon the Lucille Bogan track “That’s What My Baby Likes” as juke joint singer “Lila” in the Denzel Washington-helmed The Great Debaters due December 25, and the next Dap-Kings full-length wonder will be available October 2 through Daptone Records. 4 out of 5 divas agree... “It’s the shizz-nit! (Is that how you say it, Pierre-François?) Let them eat soul!”

100 Days, 100 Nights, 10 Songs:

1. 100 Days, 100 Nights
2. Nobody's Baby
3. Tell Me
4. Be Easy
5. When the Other Foot Drops, Uncle
6. Let Them Knock
7. Something's Changed
8. Humble Me
9. Keep On Looking
10. Answer Me

Spice Girls Get Bono to Write a Track for Them, Said It Was Weird Talking to Bono with His Sunglasses On

Bono rules. Dude's got philanthropy coming out his ears! With all the shit on his plate -- third World debt, Aids, U2, Ray-Ban sunglasses, getting censored for speaking out against torture -- you'd think Bono wouldn't even have time to write music. BUT HE DOES APPARENTLY!

According to the Mirror, Bono has written a track for the upcoming Spice Girls greatest hits compilation. (The track title hasn't yet been revealed, but I wouldn't doubt if Bono just gave them some old unreleased U2 B-side. I mean, who'd even try to argue with Bono?? Like I said, Bono rules.) Even more exciting, Spice Girls may perform the song live on their upcoming "reunion tour"!

Although Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary and Sporty are getting £10million apiece for the 15-date tour and tickets for the first show sold out in 38 sexy seconds, an exact date has not been issued for the greatest hits comp because label big wigs are reportedly scared it might go "ker-plunk." I love it!

  

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