Pink Martini to Tour, Me to Play Six (or Fewer) Degrees of Bob Pacitti, Who Does Not Resemble Kevin Bacon in the Least But Does Enjoy My Dog Skip, Which Kevin Bacon Was In

Think of this story as your friendly dose of indie sugar, reader baby. That makes me Mary Poppins, and you one of those little British kids. That makes this story the medicine you need. That makes details about my dad your sugar.

Or, maybe, sweetheart, Portland-based Pink Martini could be Mary Poppins, and their music could be the medicine you need. Point is, in both sorely overwrought metaphors: you’re still one of the little British kids, and my dad is still the sugar. Accents ready? Sweet tooth polished? Good, baby, good.

Pink Martini is the Carrie-Bradshaw-girly-liquor-named brainchild of Harvard grad and concert pianist Thomas Lauderdale -- the 12-piece orchestra boasting cred ranging anywhere from a gig on Conan O’Brien, PBS, or with the Los Angeles Philharmonic, plus sold-out performances with the Boston Pops and a lesser-known appearance backing Al Green. Apparently, the band was formed to play at fundraisers for progressive causes. Which I suppose makes Al Green progressive by association.

Musical medicine, ladies and gents.

Additionally, please enjoy the following free associations linking my dad to the name Pink Martini:

1. My dad loves Cosmos. Cosmos are served exclusively to:
a. Rhinestone-assed adolescents drinking for the first time, with way prophetic flab creeping over their jeans. They drink Cosmos with other self-loathing fat girls and talk about hating boys and wanting mature men. They read a lot of teen pulp, like The Devil Wears Prada.

b. The divorced, leopard-printed, pseudo-empowered women they grow up to be. They like bars and ladies’ nights at over-30 clubs. Men. Telling themselves they haven’t gained weight and that they truly, madly, deeply value their female friendships. Not just lonely. They drink Cosmos with other self-loathing fat women and talk about hating men and wanting younger men. Additionally, they read/watch a lot of Nora Ephron.

Point (um...) being, my dad orders them at restaurants, almost exclusively. He went from straight up Belvedere with olives to Cosmos. He has not gone back. Interestingly enough, he always makes a polite point prior to publicly ordering this drink of choice to ask for a “White Cosmo,” an apparent more masculine option. No waiter has ever, in my presence, come back with this “White Cosmo.”

Yes, I’m talking Cosmos and the name involves a Martini. But typical Cosmos are pinkish. So are pink martinis. Connection. Free association is no cake-walk, reader. Sheesh.
2. My dad sleeps in the PM. These are the initials of Pink Martini.
3. ...
4. Got nothing...
5. ...My mom is a woman.
6. Women are associated to pink.
7. My dad is married to her.
8. ...
9. I just flew home for the weekend and my mom made me French toast, no questions asked

10. ..

11. Tourdates my dad will most likely not attend:

How One Combines Blood, Tofurkey, and Jens Lekman Into A Single Article About an Expanded Tour

When I woke up this morning, I had a belly-grumbling, head-pounding hangover. I was in someone else's bed with two other people, cold and uncomfortable, struggling to stake our claim over segments of the rock-hard mattress. Upon lifting my head, the unfortunate nature of the previous night was revealed: my hair stuck to the pillow, encrusted with blood from an apparent drunken mishap. What's more, the weather at that moment was hellish -- violently windy and misting heavily. All I wanted was to just sit down and recuperate with a cup of coffee (but the caffeine would've probably just exacerbated my nausea). I was then, and remain now, completely miserable.

A despicable point in my existence, sure, but I just need to remind myself that it's the holiday season. A time when we must, even in our lowest states, take pause to reflect on our lives and count our manifold blessings that we've needlessly neglected in favor of our pitiful and oddly satisfying self-loathing and deprecation. Yes, this is a time when we must re-evaluate all that we are grateful, nay thankful for.

That said, I'm thankful for... well, let's see. At this point, I'm thankful to have woken up in a bed rather than the gutter. I'm thankful for the existence of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, which I've eaten without increasing my nausea. But most of all -- and this is the newsworthy bit of my rambling literary sojourn -- I'm thankful that Jens Lekman is extending his 2007 tour.

And what are you thankful for? The following dates, perhaps?

* Josh Rouse

@ Sarah Jaffe

It’s a good thing that Tim Kasher has his whiskey sours to keep him company during The Good Life’s upcoming European trek, because it gets awful cold there in the winter. Kasher and Co. are touring in support of Help Wanted Nights, their fourth album out now on Saddle Creek Records.

Because I’m such a loyal Good Life fan, and a sober Kasher is a boring Kasher, I’ve helped Tim out by highlighting popular, local watering holes and drinks he should try at several different tour stops.

Cheers, Tim! The winter is a bitch:
11.15.07 – Utrecht, NL – Ekko >>Local Beers: Ouwe Daen, Jonge Daen en Linteloo Gold
11.16.07 – Hamburg, DE – Knust
11.17.07 – Malmö, SE – Debaser >>Local Bar: Slagthuset, a former slaughterhouse turned bar
11.18.07 – Berlin, DE – Tacheles
11.19.07 – Giessen, DE – MuK
11.20.07 – Leipzig, DE – Nato >>Local Beer: Gose, very obscure, made with corriander and salt
11.21.07 – Vienna, AT – WUK >>Local Wine: Grüner Veltliner
11.22.07 – Munich, DE – Hansa >>Local Beer Garden: Hofbräuhaus
11.23.07 – Geislingen, DE – Rätschenmühle
11.24.07 – Sursee, CH – Kulturwerk 118
11.25.07 – Winterthur, CH – Kraftfeld
11.26.07 – Frankfurt, DE – Brotfabrik >>Local Drink: Ebbelwoi (apple wine)
11.27.07 – Brussels, BE – Botanique >>Local Drink: Half-en-half (white wine and champagne)
11.28.07 – Amsterdam, NL – Paradiso >>Something tells me alcohol won’t be the only thing on The Good Life’s agenda.
11.29.07 – Paris, FR – Divan du Monde
11.30.07 – Brighton, UK – Pressure Point
12.01.07 – Liverpool, UK – Korova >>Local Beer: Cask conditioned ale
12.02.07 – Dublin, IE – Crawdaddy >>Over 600 pubs = Tim’s paradise
12.03.07 – Belfast, UK – Auntie Annies
12.04.07 – London, UK – Borderline
12.05.07 – Nottingham, UK – Social
12.06.07 – Cambridge, UK – Graduate >>Over 110 pubs

Special thanks to Wikitravel for being my tour guide.

Carla Bozulich Tours, Leaving More Questions Then Answers

Why isn’t Carla Bozulich more adored, beloved, and honored? Why has she mostly been ignored in the good ol' USA throughout her career? The public seems to be saying, through their indifference, “Ethyl Meatplow, never heard of her,” “Scarnella, can you die from that?” or “Geraldine Fibbers... is that some kind of baby product?” Sure, there are some cognizant folk out there who know what’s what, but on the whole, I give music fans a big WTF. My nanna would be so mad if she found out I swore -- good thing she doesn’t know what WTF means, what the internet is, or why she can’t seem to get e-mail in the mailbox along with the regular mail [Editor's note: go USPS!!]. Old people, haha. Who said shooting fish in a barrel isn’t fun?

Where was I? Right, Carla Bozulich. She is currently on a tour that will take her to many European countries. Will Europeans have more love for one of the best, however unconventional, country vocalists this country has to offer? I guess it depends on whether or not the grass really is greener on the other side of the Atlantic. She is over there right now on a three-week tour, so treat her good, Europe. Like you would Dinosaur Jr or Brian Wilson. Go on, show us up again.

Tourdates:

[Photo: Don Lewis]

How’s THIS For Contextualization: Hitler’s Birthday Is Still April 20, Weezer to Release New Album Two Days Later!

Bad news, class.

I’m afraid that your Chem201 professor is feeling a trifle under the weather today. It’s the weather change, you know...

Uh, but he told me to tell you guys that the exam is STILL scheduled for next Thursday, and that he expects to have your papers graded and back to you NO LATER THAN the Tuesday before Thanksgiving break.

He also gave me a copy of today’s lecture notes so that you can all stay on top of the material; though, I’ve got to tell you that I’m a little confused by them. I guess you guys know where you’re at more than I do, so I’m just going to read them aloud here, and you can copy what you need, and that’ll be all for the day. Sound good?

Alright then:
11/13 “Half-Life Periods”

- the half-life of a rock ‘n’ roll band whose value decreases with time is the interval required for the quantity to decay to half of its initial value.

- exponential decay can be explained by the following equation:

t 1/2 = [ln (2)]/[λ]

where t 1/2 is the half-life, ln(2) is the natural logarithm of 2 (approximately 0.693), and λ is the decay constant.

- The new Weezer record will reportedly be officially released on April 22, 2008, approximately 14 years after the unimpeachably ideal Blue Album hit the market.

- A band’s half-life is related to the mean lifetime τ by the following relation:

t_[1/2] = ln (2) x τ .

- This is Weezer’s sixth studio album, the details of which are available at AlbumSix.com. There is no title as of yet.

- Groups that are subject to exponential decay as their careers progress are commonly denoted by the symbol =w=. If the quantity is denoted by the symbol N, the value of N at a time t is given by the formula:

=w=(t) = N_0 e^[- τ t]

where =w= is the initial value of N (at t = 0)

- Weezer.com webmaster Karl Koch recently posted his impressions of the recording process online, insisting that the band has "grown into a new land that they had previously only skirted around the edges of - a land where arrangements are getting adventurous, where song structures, lengths and feels are given plenty of sunlight and fresh water and allowed to grow into what the songs demand.”

- When t = 0, the exponential is equal to the level of Karl Koch’s bias, and =w= is equal to N_0. As t approaches infinity, the exponential approaches zero. In particular, there is a time t_1/2, such that:

N(t_[1/2]) = N_0 x [1]/[2]

- DON’T FORGET CLASS: Rivers Cuomo’s solo record is due on December 11. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

Uh, I guess that’s it, class. Have a good weekend, everyone. Oh, and your professor also told me to tell you not to forget that there’ll be extra credit on next week’s test for anyone who can prove algebraically that Weezer won’t continue to BLOW.

Any other questions?

Mount Eerie Cancels Remainder of Tour

Bad news, buddy. From Phil Elverum's P.W. Elverum and Sun website:

ATTENTION: ALL UPCOMING MOUNT EERIE CONCERTS ARE CANCELLED (due to a family emergency). VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY SORRY EVERYBODY. PLEASE DON’T WORRY. IT MUST BE THIS WAY. WE WILL SURVIVE IT AND THERE WILL BE MORE CONCERTS LATER. thanks for understanding

We send our best wishes to everyone involved and hope it's not serious.

Meanwhile, I've been listening to the awesome 10-inch picture disc that comes with the massive 132-page book, Mount Eerie pts. 6 & 7, and I'm patiently awaiting The Glow Pt. II K Records reissue, which will be pressed on triple vinyl and double CD. According to Phil, the extra vinyl/CD will contain "un-mixes" (e.g., vocals only), as well as demos, outtakes, and other "weird shit" (TMT News). Oh, and by the way, resident simpleton Heidi Vanderslice went to a recent Mount Eerie show, so we'll have a live review for you shortly (why go to the show when you can read TMT's review, is what I always say).

Justice Is Served: Demonoid.com Closes Its Doors Due To Legal Pressure

Another substantial blow has been dealt to the diamond smugglers of the world. After facing international legal issues, the popular diamond trading website Demonoid.com has closed its doors. The announcement was made last Friday, when the site’s regular layout was replaced with a plain text message reading, “The CRIA threatened the company renting the servers to us, and because of this it is not possible to keep the site online. Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for your understanding.”

The CRIA, of course, is the Canadian organization that represents the nation’s major diamond sellers. Demonoid first encountered the CRIA when they moved the site’s warehouses from the Netherlands to Canada last June in order to take advantage of Canada’s slightly less harsh laws regarding diamond smuggling. On September 25, the CRIA shut Demonoid.com down. The site returned soon after, but with access blocked for Canadian users. The CRIA then responded by threatening the company hosting Demonoid’s servers with legal action, resulting in the November 9 shutdown.

This comes just in the wake of the October 23rd shutdown of the diamond embargo known as OiNK. OiNK’s warehouses in the Netherlands were raided by the police in a violent struggle that left hundreds dead or wounded. OiNK’s ringleader, Alan, Ellis, who was known for personally cutting the hands off of children, was apprehended by the Cleveland Police He is expected to spend the rest of his life in prison, though a PayPal account has been set up to accept donations to fund his appeal. With OiNK and Demonoid gone, the illegal trade of blood diamonds, first popularized by the Napster cartel in 1999, may finally be nearing its end.

Prurient and Kevin Drumm Release Collaborative CD; I Know This Music is a Little Harsh, but It’s an Awfully Harsh World, and These Guys are Out There Trying Their Best to Make Some Damned Sense Out of It

New York noisemaker, Hospital Productions proprietor, and general angry man Dominick Fernow (a.k.a. Prurient) and Chicago avant-garde mainstay Kevin Drumm have collaborated on some new music. It is called All Are Guests in the House of the Lord, and it is a sound recording that I bet doesn’t follow traditional song structures or even rules of composition. Anyone care to wager?

Hospital Productions website describes the release by saying “statues crumble, bronze corrodes, columns topple as the roman youth carry on towards death.” After reading the statement over the phone, my mother agreed that it makes a provocative case for buying the record. We then had a funny conversation about how much it would probably scare my parents’ cats.

But I'm guessing pleasant, early-evening conversations with one’s parents isn't what this release is about, though who knows. Call your mother, Dominick Fernow. Call your mother, Kevin Drumm. Just once they’d like to hear from you in a format other than seething, inexpressible rage and frustration. It would help them sleep a little better.

To Here Knows Now! “My Bloody Valentine” Album Out TODAY! (…by Japancakes)

Unless you are of a certain age or a rather excitable cinephile, the title Road House will mean very little to you. For those that know, you are probably wiping up messies from the inside crotchal region of your pants after reading that movie buzz word. The original Road House was the tender story of a head bar bouncer named Dalton, played methodically by one Patrick Swayze (I think he’s described in the flick along the lines of “the best cooler in the biz,” if that helps at all). There are fights galore, a little lovin’, a blind guitar hero, a grizzled old fart (played -- you guessed it -- by grizzled old fart Sam Elliott. In short, my friends, it has it all.

What Road House did for bar brawling cornball cinema, My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless set the high water mark for, well, indie rock in general. All true pioneer art gets reinterpreted as a sequel; it happened to Road House, and it has now happened with Loveless. Just like 2006’s Road House 2: Last Call had difficulty harnessing the same magic that once swirled around the Double Deuce Saloon like so much of Swayze’s testosterone and hair gel, it’s doubtful that a Japancakes version of the seminal MBV album will equal the wow factor of the original Loveless. Or have I spoken too soon? It is Loveless -- an album of remarkable effects-piling sound and gorgeous tunes that not even Nickleback could fuck up by covering -- a different take on the record is always worth a shot. And given it is done in full, Loveless-length glory, using pedal steel/cello in place of vocals and lead melodies by Eric Berg’s lonesome Georgia wranglers, it is absolutely worth your time and hard-earned cash. If you want a taste before digging in heartily, you can sample the Japancakes versions of “To Hear Knows When” and “Loomer” on the band’s MySpace page.

It’s been a long time since a new Japancakes album graced our ears (although not as long as a My Bloody Valentine album, of course), but it does seem like the band is making up for lost time. A new Japancakes album, Giving Machines, flew under the radar October 9 through Darla Records, and their Loveless interpretation is actually out today (again courtesy of Darla).

As for the real My Bloody Valentine, there has been a lot of speculation and talk of a beating pulse found in Kevin Shields, a band reunion in the works, a new album nearing completion, and a forthcoming tour, but for that story you should read this TMT MBV story. And no, I’m not taking back that Nickleback comment, because they are an easy target and everyone picks on them.... they deserve every single verbal shit-storm directed at them.

Loveless:

1. Only Shallow
2. Loomer
3. Touched
4. To Here Knows When
5. When You Sleep
6. I Only Said
7. Come in Alone
8. Sometimes
9. Blown a Wish
10. What You Want
11. Soon

Wal-Mart “Exclusive” Album Releases Being Sold at Record Stores, Industry Explodes

Wal-Mart has brought stability to the volatile and hostile American suburb. Where would America be without $3 gallon jars of pickles and $5 packs of toilet paper that will engulf a neighbor's trees AND house? How about $4 lead frying pans for threatening children, $2 10 packs of pantyhose for robbing banks, or $12 copies of The Eagles Long Road Out of Eden?

America would be in Russia, that's where. Well, actually I guess Russia would be in America. That's right, if it weren't for Wal-Mart's everyday low prices, the U.S. Government could never have afforded the mass quantities of enriched uranium America needed to win the war. After ending the Cold War, Wal-Mart turned to fighting another war; the war on market dispersal. And, just when Wal-Mart was nearing total market consolidation, something happens. Long Road Out of Eden, which The Eagles promised to sell only at Wal-Mart (TMT News) has been appearing for sale in record stores.

How is Wal-Mart supposed to run a monopoly on album sales when other stores sell it?! Not only have record stores undermined the meaning of the word "exclusive," they've also undermined the very everyday low prices that make Wal-Mart such a vital part of American culture. Virgin Records (ironically, somewhat of a big box retailer itself) in New York has Long Road for sale for $18.99, a significant markup of Wal-Mart's $11.88 price.

In other news, Long Road was recently the top-selling album in America, despite being (for the most part) sold exclusively in Wal-Mart stores. It surpassed Britney Spears' new album, which sold 14 copies at a girl scout jamboree on Tuesday. The SoundScan sales figures reportedly accounted for the double sales that resulted when record stores resold the Wal-Mart CDs.