1. Think of an obnoxious headline.
2. Fill in the body of the story with bullshit and be sure to use the
a. Headlights are from Illinois.
b. Scout Leader Kyle is a genius.
c. They reside on the Polyvinyl Record Co. Label.
d. Headlights has a new album named Some Racing, Some Stopping coming out this year.
e. Brett Sanderson from Headlights has a large penis.
f. Headlights are on tour.
3. Add these tourdates:
all dates Evangelicals
Björk Announces Euro Tour After Exxon Mobil Announces $40.6 Billion Profit (True), Gets Off Soap Box To Let Me Have a Ride
Björk, two-time Soap Box Derby champion, has traded in her soap box for... music? That's right. Björk has said goodbye to the Soap Box world and hello to melodies and beats.
"It's true," says Derby commentator Sebastian Block. "Björk seems to be fed up with the politics of soap-boxing. And I'm not talking about the disproportionate power relations behind the scenes. I'm talking about Senator Hillary Clinton. Björk hates her. I do too."
With the U.S. economy already in a fragile state -- the words "recession" and "depression" appearing frequently in the media -- Björk claims she is most upset with Exxon Mobil's early February announcement that it has scored its highest, all-time corporate profit: $40.6 billion.
According to this article: "The profit taken in by this single company amounted to more than the gross domestic product recorded in two thirds of the world's nations, placing the company midway between Ecuador and Luxembourg, while its total sales—more than $404 billion—top the GDP of 120 countries. It is more than the entire amount spent by the US federal government on K-through-12 education."
Björk's decision to let me hop in her Soap Box couldn't come at a more opportune time, as I have been eagerly awaiting to report this disgusting news, especially since a lot of major media aren't. Somehow I doubt Obama or Clinton will specifically address this bullshit.
This soap box feels kind of good. Only at TMT I guess:
* Tim is Reader of the Day!
Ready to throw down? Start growing that facial hair, boys. You’ll need all the time in the world to compete with wicked-hairy sweetheart Tim Kasher.
BE PREPARED, THOUGH: Rumor has it that the March-April tour gap is reserved solely for Kasher’s beard growing, combing, styling and/or deep-conditioning.
Or, hey, maybe when you head out to one of these Cursive shows, the dude will be clean-shaven. You know, just to throw Patti into a tailspin. Or for art.
HAIR TODAY MAYBE TOMORROW:
# New Trust
$ Capgun Coup
I have reached a point in my career as an obnoxious music whore where I am really done listening to mediocre indie pop that rides on kitschy lyrics and C-G-D chord progressions. This moment of total disenchantment struck me two weeks ago while listening to "Cape Cod Kwassa" again. I was sitting on the floor in front of the stereo with a fresh wave of nothing washing over my brain, when I found myself staring, eyes unfocused, bobbing my head around to the beat. When the song ended, I felt dumber, dismal, and ashamed.
In desperate need of musical resuscitation, I stumbled upon Citay. My friends, I was lost, and now I'm found because as it turns out, sometimes really good things do happen to music. A throwback to epic-heavy rockers of the ‘70s, San Francisco's Citay sounds like Pink Floyd as a church band or Led Zeppelin rolling in flowers. It's the gentle folk influence of pure rock that's experiencing a revival with groups like Black Mountain, and not a moment too soon. Viva la psychadelia.
Citay has come to set you free:
The following is a presentation of the Public Broadcasting Service.
The Clash Live: Revolution Rock
Their first all-live video collection, premiering on PBS in March. Check local listing for play times.
This program was made possible by:
Grizzled punk rockers that apparently work at PBS.
This program was also made possible by contributions to your local PBS station, by viewers like you.
America, Canada, and Australia, lock up your daughters! Jay Reatard is amped and set to cut a very wide swath through the world this spring. But will you be ready? Are you prepared for the raw rock action he
will be unleashing upon unsuspecting (and now, totally suspecting)
audiences? Let me prepare you with this simple Jay Reatard primer.
- What: The sheer power of the scariest guy you know's fist shattering a
window made of pure rock ‘n’ roll.
- Who: Matador Records recording artist Jay Reatard
- Why: There is no "why," there is only PURE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL.
- When: See next question.
- Where: Take a deep breath, scroll down, and breathe in the essence of
out-of-control garage rock MADNESS.
Jay Reatard on tour:
* The Black Keys
The Brian Jonestown Massacre’s newest hotcake, My Bloody Underground, is scheduled to drop April 15 on Anton Newcombe’s label-baby, “a recordings” – a triumphant pronouncement of the really-honestly-seriously-it-is-never-cavalier-e.e. cummings-type-aversion-to-capitalization.
My Bloody Underground marks the thirteenth full-length release for The Brian Jonestown Massacre and comes after the band spent time writing, recording, and, you know, not doing any drugs in Liverpool and Reykjavík.
1. Bring Me The Head Of Paul McCartney On Heather Mill’s Wooden Peg (Dropping Bombs On The White House)
2. Infinite Wisdom Tooth / My Last Night In Bed With You
3. Who Fucking Pissed In My Well?
4. We Are The Niggers Of The World
5. Who Cares Why
8. Just Like Kicking Jesus
10. Automatic Faggot For The People
11. Darkwave Driver / Big Drill Car
12. Monkey Powder
13. Black hole Symphony
Prompted By Michael Gira’s “Use ‘em or Lose ‘em” Sick Day Policy Down at The Office, Akron/Family Plan Family Vacation
Boss Michael Gira down at Young God Records is a real stickler.
Apparently, if you don't use your vacation days, sick days, personal days, hang-over days, and fuck-it's-cold-I'm-not-coming-in-today days before the end of the fiscal year, old man Gira has this crazy policy that you lose them!
Since the fiscal year ends soon (look, just go with it), trusted assistant to Mr. Gira and noted family man Mr. Akron has no choice but to take a highly inconveniently-timed, albeit very well-deserved vacation right in the middle of his most hectic work season. Bummer.
Mrs. Akron, stay-at-home mother of two, thinks her husband could use some time off. And frankly, she's been searching for an opportunity to tell him so. See, things have gotten rather hectic lately, and she wants the whole Akron/Family to... well, reconnect. And what better way to do that than for the four of them to get out there and see the whole country!
"It'll be like a tour of sorts, honey," she assures her despondent husband. "A tour for the whole Akron/Family (TMT Review)! We can even make stops at those, uh, whatdoyoucall'em... ‘South by Southeast’ and ‘Cochella’ music festival thingys along the way. I even wrote out an itinerary already! What do you say, hun?"
"It's South by Southwest, honey," Mr. Akron retorts wearily. Still, even he can hear the faint overtones of fatigue in his voice, and after letting out a long sigh, he turns to the bedroom wall where his eyes fix upon a recent photo of the Akron/Family taken at the nearby K-Mart. How happy they all look, all energetically smiling and full of the love that comes from just standing close.
Mr. Akron turns around once again to face Mrs. Akron, new fire once again flickering in his tired eyes. "All right, honey, let's see that itinerary."
Akron/Family Vacation 2008:
03.02.08 - Allston, MA - Harper's Ferry
03.04.08 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College
03.05.08 - Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell's
03.06.08 - New York, NY -NYU Kimmel Center-Eisner&Lubin Auditorium
03.07.08 - Pittsburg, PA - The Andy Warhol Museum
03.08.08 - Princeton, NJ - Terrace club at Princeton University
03.09.08 - Vienna, VA - Jammin Java
03.15.08 - Austin, TX - Emo's Inside Room (SXSW festival)
04.26.08 - Indio, CA - Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival
04.29.08 - Santa Cruz, Ca - Crepe Place
04.30.08 - San Francisco, CA - Rickshaw Stop
05.01.08 - Visalia, CA - The Cellar Door
06.21.08 - Philadelphia, PA - Popped Festival on Drexel University Campus
07.24.08 - New York, NY - River to River Festival at Castle Clinton
The Replacements Get Reissued; The Friz, Scout Leader Kyle, and I Leave Pennsylvania and End Up at a Writer’s Community Meeting at Ball State in Indiana
Last you guys heard, the tired trio of TMTers were holed up at a family truck stop in Pennsylvania. Luckily, we were just an exit away from I-70. I told my boys that, if we left right away, we could make it to Indiana before dinner and quite possibly make it to Ball State University in time for the writer's community meeting. Scout had walked to the diner because his license was taken away after driving to a Jens Lekman concert after a few too many vodkas and tonics. I rode my bike because I thought The Friz wanted to keep this trip "green." So, the only car was a fuel-efficient VW owned by the one and only Friz.
I take off the wheels from my bike and situate everything in the trunk of the car. Scout calls "shotgun" but didn't call blitz, so I rush and tagged the door before he did. I thought bio-diesel was kind of pussy, but it turns out The Friz makes good use of his newly tuned VW, and we make it to the Indiana-Ohio border in 35 minutes. I swear. We then hop onto I-465 North and then I-69 North to Muncie, Indiana. Scout of course makes no fewer than 27 jokes about riding on a highway called I-69.
Friz parked outside the Robert Bell building, and we ran up to the second story and found our seats for the small writer's community meeting. A few kids read some really shitty poems about relationships or whatever other shitty topics college students choose. (Side note: The Friz, Scout, and I only write really profound poetry). Finally, some kid, some boner of a kid with those intellectual glasses that were cool during the "blue" album from Weezer, reads lyrics from The Replacements. He finishes and says if you've never heard The Replacements, you can't consider yourself a human. Kewl dude! Whatever.
Friz laughs and looks at Scout and me. I know what he's thinking: this kid is trying to talk about rock ‘n’ roll, but little does boner-boy know that he is sitting in front of three of the greatest rawk journalists of all time.
Timidly, Scout raises his hand and says, "Hey dude, I bet you didn't know The Replacements' first three albums and an EP will be reissued April 22 thanks to Rhino"
Boner-boy pushes up his glasses and stutters, but no one pays attention. The Friz takes Scout's momentum and runs, "Yeah, Scout, their debut album -- 1981's Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Trash - will be released with bonus demos and outtake versions of several songs."
Boner-boy tries to regain footing, "Well, um, what about their 1984 release, Let it Be? Some would say that is their most seminal record."
My turn, "Don't say seminal, you dildo. And yes, Let it Be along with Hootenanny and their EP Stink will all be released this spring. All, of course, will feature bonus material and whatnot."
"Ooooh. Owned!" shouts Scout. The trio high-fives, and then Scout, who now has quite clearly become an alcoholic, pulls out three PBR tall boys and we get to crackin'.
You have to wonder what the hell was going through Amplive's mind when he decided to release a collection of hip-hop reinterpretations of Radiohead's In Rainbows without even contacting them. Blogs all over the world started salivating all over themselves after the Oakland-based producer offered a free download of his Rainydayz Remixes mini-album in exchange for a forwarded purchase confirmation from Radiohead's W.A.S.T.E. store. Drool quickly turned to spit when they learned that Radiohead were pulling the plug on the project. How dare they! Don't they know that Del The Funky Homosapien laid down some rhymes on it!
Turns out that the two artists (or, more likely, their respective management teams) have established an agreement which will give Amplive permission to release his In Rainbows remixes for free to everyone. Guess Radiohead do approve of Del's rhymes and Amplive's beats after all! Oh happy day!
The album is available by clicking on this long string of words, dots and slashes:
All sarcasm and futile attempts at wit aside, the disc is actually quite good, and also features collaborations with members of Jurassic 5 and Zion I. As they would say on Yo Gabba Gabba -- "Try it! You'll like it! Try it! You'll Like It!"