I love WHY?. Yet, the last time I wrote about them, I felt the need to obfuscate all of the actual information in the article. I shall now make penance for my misdeeds by explaining why you should buy WHY?’s new LP and see them on tour this spring.
You should do these things because WHY? are goddamn good. WHY? makes music that is abstract, yet relatable. WHY? uses humor in a way that is serious and poetry in a way that is funny. They use indie-style hip-hop vocals in their hip-hop-style indie music. You know what genre WHY? really is? Fuck you, that’s what genre. I’m serious. Fuck you. WHY? are so good that they don’t bend their genre; they transcend genre entirely. One time, they invented a genre, but ended up transcending it later in the same song, so they never even had a chance to decide what it was called.
But if semi-aggressive rants from an unknown music writer who is clearly attempting to make up for some imagined debt aren’t enough for you, perhaps you will respond to music. Their new album’s first single, “The Hollows,” can be freely downloaded here. WHY? also recently covered The Cure’s “Close To Me” for some reason. The track, which will not be on the upcoming album, can be downloaded here.
Is that still not enough for you, hypothetic antagonist? Well then, hear me out once more. WHY?’s third LP, Alopecia, is a shuddering progression of clever, self-deprecating jokes and brutally honest poetry of anguish, accompanied by sparse rhythm and emotionally disjointed instrumentation. This time around, they recorded live as a five-man band, barely using samplers at all. Their upcoming spring tour consists of 39 shows, ending curiously on April 19. They will be accompanied on several dates by myriad other genre-defying artists, such as Br. Danielson.
Fine, don’t trust me. Trust their public relations agency. Here are a few highlights from their press release:
- “...Yoni's voice comes in strong, sweetly soured like a curdling milkshake.”
- “Yoni Wolf has returned with the Art of Songcraft tucked under his arm. Inspired as much by MF Doom and Lil' Wayne as J. Newsom and Big Dylan, his words roll out bent and beautiful, not unlike the musical architecture that sends those words skyward.”
- “...the perfect antithesis to the blunt finality of death is nothing more than claiming the lifeblood that is already yours.”
Well, that does it. You are definitely convinced now. Alopecia comes out March 11. Pick it up and go see them on tour. I’m serious.
[Photo: Sarah Cass]
Today has been a voyage of self-discovery. Well, perhaps just plain "discovery" is more the word for it. You see, I have learned many wonderful and revelatory things today including (a) how a caucus works, (b) that dub-influenced, super-fierce all-girl punk band The Slits are touring in March, and (c) that I can totally pick up a decent wireless signal at the laundromat, which is awesome because it allows me to write this story.
And now I'd like to pass on this beautiful gift of knowledge to you. It seems that The Slits are out and about in order to promote 2006's Revenge of the Killer Slits EP, as well as the release of a new EP, Hated, set for release in March on Exo Records. The upcoming U.S. tour will see the two legendary ladies hitting the road with a new crew of fearless femmes. You're gonna want to save up your laundry money for this one!
The Slits in America:
In a not-so-shocking study conducted by HealthDay News, it was found that one in three "hit" songs contains an explicit reference to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. HealthDay researchers compiled their information by analyzing Billboard magazine’s 279 most popular songs of 2005.
Researchers also discovered that of the 93 songs with references to substance use, the behaviors discussed in each song were associated with partying (54%), sex (46%), violence (29 percent%), and/or humor (24%). In the songs, substance use was often a result of peer/social pressure (48%) or sex (30%).
Although it’s pretty depressing to think about your average 10-year-old singing along to lyrics about doing lines of coke or getting laid, it’s just as funny to censor popular songs from 2005 and see what they'd be like without the explicit references.
Take, for instance, 50 Cent’s oh-so-creative 2005 hit, “Candy Shop.” Let’s see how “sweet” his shop is without all the sex references:
“I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the...”
...oh wait, the whole song is overtly sexual.
Let’s try this again. Here’s the censored version of Pretty Ricky’s “Grind On Me”:
“Baby grind on me
Relax your mind take your time on me
Let me get deeper shorty ride on me
Now come and sex me till your body gets weak
With slow grindin’…”
Uh, I give up.
Chicago-based quartet SINGER have signed with Chicago-based heavyweight Drag City for their upcoming debut Unhistories, which doesn't quite have a solid release date as of yet besides a murky "forth. 2008" at the label's official site.
SINGER is a true Windy City amalgam boasting four young bucks, quite familiar to those who have kept up with the ever-evolving Chicago scene. They are Todd Rittmann (US Maple), Robert Lowe (90 Day Men, Lichens), and the brothers Vida, Adam, and Ben. The band has played several opening slots thus far and will play a show with Make Believe and De Triomphe February 22 at Chicago's Subterranean. (I bet you didn't think I could possibly throw another Chicago in, but you were wrong, sucka.)
You can listen to three tracks off Unhistories over at the band's MySpace and then wait impatiently for the disc to magically appear later this year.
The New Pornographers have reached the Okkervil River crossing.
They must cross the River to continue.
Okkervil River is currently four albums wide and four members deep.
Press RETURN to Size Up the Situation
04.09.08 - Toronto, Ontario - Phoenix Concert Theatre
04.10.08 - Pontiac, MI - The Crofoot Ballroom
04.11.08 - Columbus, OH - Newport Music Hall
04.12.08 - Munhall, PA - Carnegie Music Hall in Homestead
04.13.08 - Ithaca, NY - The State Theater of Ithaca
04.14.08 - Washington, DC - 930 Club
04.16.08 - Richmond, VA - Toad's Place
04.17.08 - Athens, GA - Georgia Theatre
04.18.08 - Nashville, TN - The Cannery
04.19.08 - St. Louis, MO - The Pageant
04.20.08 - Chicago, IL - Riviera
04.21.08 - Madison, WI - Orpheum
04.22.08 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
Food: 885 pounds
Next Landmark: 42 miles
Miles Traveled: 60 miles
Press Space Bar for Additional Dates:
03.08.08 - Mississauga, ONT - Fairmount Royal Oak Hotel *
07.17-20.08 - Benicassim, Spain - Benicassim Festival
* Tokyo Police Club
02.02.08 - Belfast, Northern Ireland - Empire
02.03.08 - Edinburgh, Scotland - Cabaret Voltaire
02.05.08 - London, England - Scala
02.07.08 - Leuven, Belgium - Stuk
02.08.08 - Paris, France - La Maronquinerie
02.09.08 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso
02.10.08 - Nijmegen, Netherlands - Doornroosje
02.23.08 - Adelaide, Australia - Laneway Festival
02.24.08 - Melbourne, Australia - Laneway Festival
02.26.08 - Melbourne, Australia - Corner
02.27.08 - Sydney, Australia - Manning Bar
02.29.08 - Perth, Australia - International Arts Festival
03.01.08 - Brisbane, Australia - Laneway Festival
03.02.08 - Sydney, Australia - Laneway Festival
03.04.08 - Auckland, New Zealand - Kings Arms
03.05.08 - Wellington, New Zealand - SF Bath House
04.05.08 - Dallas, TX - Granada
04.06.08 - Memphis, TN - Hi-Tone *
04.07.08 - Bloomington, IN - Buskirk-Chumley Theater *
05.29-31.08 - Barcelona, Spain - Primavera Festival
08.05-09.08 - Oslo, Norway - Oya Festival
* Howlin' Rain
Both bands' pace has been set to GRUELING.
SXSW 2008 Features These Artists: A-Alikes (Brooklyn NY) a.armada (Athens GA) Aberfeldy (Edinburgh UK) Abe Vigoda (Los Angeles CA) Abigail Washburn & the Sparrow Quartet with Bela Fleck (Nashville TN) Acid Girls (Los Angeles CA) The Acorn (Ottawa ON) Activator (New York NY) Adele (London UK) Adept (Groningen THE NETHERLANDS) Pierre Aderne (Rio de Janeiro BRAZIL) Afenginn (Copenhagen DENMARK) Afrobots (Los Angeles CA) The Aggrolites (Los Angeles CA) Priscilla Ahn (Los Angeles CA) The Airborne Toxic Event (Los Angeles CA) Air Traffic (London UK) Air Waves (Brooklyn NY) Akala (London UK) Akron/Family (Brooklyn NY) Alabama3 (London UK) A-Laget (Bergen NORWAY) Alamo Race Track (Amsterdam THE NETHERLANDS) Album (Monterrey MEXICO) Alex Cuba (Smithers BC) Allison (MEXICO) All Time Low (Baltimore MD) Aloe Blacc (Los Angeles CA) Aloha (Cleveland OH) Alpha Rev (Austin TX) American Babies (Brooklyn NY) American Bang (Nashville TN) American Princes (Little Rock AR) Amplified Heat (Austin TX) An Albatross (Wilkes Barre PA) Anamanaguchi (New York NY) Anathallo (Chicago IL) Anavan (Los Angeles CA) Ancestors (Los Angeles CA) Ella Andall (Arima TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO) Cherine Anderson (Kingston JAMAICA) Annie (Bergen NORWAY) The Answer (Belfast UK) Antietam (New York NY) aonami (Tokyo JAPAN) Apache Beat (New York NY) Apes (Washington DC) A Place To Bury Strangers (Brooklyn NY) Apsci (Brooklyn NY) Army Of Freshmen (Ventura CA) Arp (San Francisco CA) Arrah and The Ferns (Muncie IN) Joseph Arthur (Brooklyn NY) Artifact Shore (Minneapolis MN) Greg Ashley (Oakland CA) Asobi Seksu (New York NY) Astra Heights (Los Angeles CA) Astronautalis (Jacksonville FL) Asylum Street Spankers (Austin TX) At All Cost (Austin TX) A Thousand Knives Of Fire (Long Branch NJ) Nicole Atkins (Neptune City NJ) Atlas Sound (Atlanta GA) Attack in Black (Welland ON) The Audition (Chicago IL) Audrye Sessions (Oakland CA) Augustana (San Diego CA) Aux Raus (Amsterdam THE NETHERLANDS) Avatar (Gothenburg SWEDEN) Avengers in Sci-Fi (Tokyo JAPAN) A Weather (Portland OR) Awesome Cool Dudes (Austin TX) Axel K Soundsystem (Buenos Aires ARGENTINA) Maya Azucena (Brooklyn NY) Back Door Slam (Isle of Man UK) Back Ted N-Ted (Phoenix AZ) The Bad Rackets (Austin TX) The Bad Trips (Ventura CA) Bad Veins (Cincinnati OH) Marcia Ball (Austin TX) Volodja Balzalorsky (Ljubljana SLOVENIA) Bam Bam (Monterrey MEXICO) The Band of Heathens (Austin TX) Band of Thieves (New York NY) David Banner (Jackson MS) Jill Barber (Halifax NS) Matt Barber (Toronto ON) Bobby Bare Jr. (Nashville TN) The Barker Band (London UK) Spot Barnett (San Antonio TX) Laura Barrett (Toronto ON) Todd Barry (New York NY) Ceci Bastida (Tijuana MEXICO) Chris Bathgate (Ann Arbor MI) Bat Makumba (San Francisco CA) Baumer (Columbia SC) Bavu Blakes (Garland TX) Jessie Baylin (Los Angeles CA) David Bazan (Seattle WA) Beangrowers (St Julians MALTA) Bear in Heaven (Brooklyn NY) Bearsuit (Norwich UK) Beasts and Superbeasts (Victoria BC) Beat Union (Birmingham UK) Bedroom Walls (Highland Park CA) Bell (New York NY) Bella (Vancouver BC) Bellaparker (Austin TX) The Belleville Outfit (Austin TX) Ben’s Brother (London UK) Best Fwends (Ft Worth TX) Between the Buried and Me (Charlotte NC) Be Your Own Pet (Nashville TN) Jim Bianco (Los Angeles CA) Eric Bibb (Salisbury UK) Bible of the Devil (Chicago IL) The Big Bang (Birmingam UK) Big Head Todd and the Monsters (Denver CO) Big Red Rooster (Dallas TX) The Big Sleep (Brooklyn NY) Biirdie (Glendale CA) Bildmeister (Vila Do Conde PORTUGAL) Ryan Bingham (Austin TX) Bing Ji Ling (New York NY) Scott H. 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Strohm (Birmingham AL) The Strugglers (Chapel Hill NC) Katie Stuckey (Houston TX) Studemont Project (Houston TX) The Subjects (Brooklyn NY) The Submarines (Los Angeles CA) Peggy Sue & The Pirates (Brighton UK) Summerbirds in the Cellar (Orlando FL) The Summer Wardrobe (Austin TX) Sunburned Hand of the Man (Boston MA) Sun Trash (Los Angeles CA) Supagroup (New Orleans LA) Super Chron Flight Brothers (Brooklyn NY) Super Pal Universe (Austin TX) SuperstarDJs (Austin TX) Supersuckers (Seattle WA) Sussie 4 (Guadalajara MEXICO) Swampmeat (Birmingham UK) Swati (New York NY) Switches (London UK) Sybris (Chicago IL) Sylvie (Regina SK) SYME (Bergen NORWAY) TAB the band (Duxbury MA) Tacks, the Boy Disaster (Austin TX) Tanya Tagaq (Cambridge Bay NWT) Takka Takka (Brooklyn NY) Tall Firs (Brooklyn NY) Tally Hall (Ann Arbor MI) Tammany Hall Machine (Austin TX) Tapes ’n Tapes (Minneapolis MN) Taproot (Los Angeles CA) TarantisT (Tehran IRAN) Russell Taylor (New York NY) Teakayo Mission (Sacramento CA) Team Robespierre (Brooklyn NY) Tech N9ne (Kansas City MO) Tee Double (Austin TX) Teenage Bottlerocket (Laramie WY) The Teenage Prayers (New York NY) The Teeth (Philadelphia PA) Telepathe (Brooklyn NY) Telerama (Fortaleza BRAZIL) Luke Temple (Brooklyn NY) The Tennessee Boltsmokers (Memphis TN) Tera Melos (Sacramento CA) Terrible Twos (Detroit MI) Texas Burlesque Fest Revue (Austin TX) Texas Eastside Kings (Austin TX) Texas Northside Kings (Austin TX) The Theater Fire (Ft Worth TX) Thee Armada (Houston TX) Thee Oh Sees (San Francisco CA) Thermo (Guadalajara MEXICO) These Are Powers (Brooklyn NY) These New Puritans (Essex UK) Think About Life (Montreal QC) The Third Man (Memphis TN) The Thirst (London UK) 1349 (Oslo NORWAY) This Bike is a Pipe Bomb (Pensacola FL) This Will Destroy You (San Marcos TX) JD Thompson (Oklahoma City OK) Paul Thorn (Tupelo MS) 1001 Nights Orchestra (Austin TX) Pyeng Threadgill (New York NY) 340ml (Johannesburg SOUTH AFRICA) Throw Me The Statue (Seattle WA) Thunderlip (Wilmington NC) Thurogood Wordsmith (Houston TX) Tia Carrera (Austin TX) Tigercity (Brooklyn NY) Tiger Lou (Stockholm SWEDEN) Tiger! Tiger! (Atlanta GA) J. Tillman (Seattle WA) Tilly and the Wall (Omaha NE) Times New Viking (Columbus OH) Timothy Bracy’s Collection Agency (McLean VA) The Ting Tings (Manchester UK) Tiny Animals (New York NY) Tiny Masters of Today (New York NY) Toddle (Tokyo JAPAN) Todosantos (Brooklyn NY) Tokyo Police Club (Toronto ON) Tokyo Sex Destruction (Barcelona SPAIN) To Live and Die in LA (Portland OR) Tommie Sunshine (Brooklyn NY) The Tontons (Houston TX) Torngat (Montreal QC) Bjorn Torske (Bergen NORWAY) Totally Michael (Bloomington IN) The Tough Alliance (Gothenburg SWEDEN) Tourettes (Sydney AUSTRALIA) The Toxic Avenger (Paris FRANCE) Trainwreck Riders (San Francisco CA) Trash Fashion (London UK) Chuck Treece Feat. Dubtronic (Philadelphia PA) Tree Wave (Dallas TX) Tremor (Buenos Aires ARGENTINA) Trespassers William (Seattle WA) Triclops! (Oakland CA) Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue (New Orleans LA) Truth & Soul (Brooklyn NY) Tub Ring (Chicago IL) Tulsa (CA) (San Francisco CA) Tulsa (MA) (Boston MA) Tumi and the Volume (Johannesburg SOUTH AFRICA) Tum Tum (Dallas TX) Tungsten Coil (Austin TX) Turbo Fruits (Nashville TN) Twin Crystals (Vancouver BC) Two Dollar Bash (Berlin GERMANY) Two Gallants (San Francisco CA) The Ugly Beats (Austin TX) Uh Huh Her (Los Angeles CA) Ultimate Power Duo (Saskatoon SK) Ume (Austin TX) Uncle Monk (Phoenicia NY) Underground Heroes (Chatham UK) Underground Orchestra (Los Angeles CA) Ungdomskulen (Bergen NORWAY) The Unholy Two (Columbus OH) The United Steel Workers of Montreal (Montreal QC) Unnatural Helpers (Seattle WA) Untitled Musical Project (Birmingham UK) The Upwelling (New York NY) Vamoz (Recife BRAZIL) Vampire Weekend (New York NY) Foy Vance (Belfast UK) Vancougar (New Westminster BC) Vanilla Sky (Roma ITALY) Stoll Vaughan (Nashville TN) Lars Vaular (Bergen NORWAY) Vedera (Kansas City MO) Veracruz (Barcelona SPAIN) Chris Vestre Group (Austin TX) VHS or Beta (Louisville KY) Via Audio (Brooklyn NY) The Victorian English Gentlemens Club (Cardiff UK) Videohippos (Baltimore MD) Kurt Vile (Philadelphia PA) The Vines (Sydney AUSTRALIA) V.I.P. (Philadelphia PA) Virginia Coalition (Alexandria VA) The Virgins (New York NY) Viva Hate (Los Angeles CA) Kate Voegele (Cleveland OH) The Von Bondies (Detroit MI) Patricia Vonne (Austin TX) The Voom Blooms (Loughborough UK) Voxhaul Broadcast (Los Angeles CA) Vverevvolf Grehv (Omaha NE) Waco Brothers (Chicago IL) Brooke Waggoner (Nashville TN) Martha Wainwright (Montreal QC) Wale (Washington DC) Doug Walker (Manchester UK) Kate Walsh (Brighton UK) Abigail Warchild (Brooklyn NY) The Warriors (Oxnard CA) Little Joe Washington (Houston TX) Was (Not Was) (Los Angeles CA) Watershed (OH) (Columbus OH) The Watson Twins (Los Angeles CA) Wax Fang (Louisville KY) The Weakerthans (Winnepeg MB) We Are Standard (Basque Country SPAIN) Weedeater (Wilmington NC) The Weird Weeds (Austin TX) The Western Civilization (Houston TX) We Versus the Shark (Athens GA) we were The States (Murfreesboro TN) Eddie Whalen (New York NY) What Laura Says Thinks and Feels (Tempe AZ) Wheatus (Northport NY) When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (Austin TX) The Whigs (Athens GA) The Whip (Manchester UK) White Denim (Austin TX) White Ghost Shivers (Austin TX) White Hinterland (Boston MA) White Mice (Providence RI) The Paul White Quintet (Austin TX) White Rabbits (Brooklyn NY) White Shoes & The Couples Company (Jakarta INDONESIA) White T’s White Belts (Philadelphia PA) White Williams (New York NY) Whitley (Melbourne AUSTRALIA) Bobby Whitlock & CoCo Carmel (Austin TX) WHY? (Oakland CA) The Wilders (Kansas City MO) Wild Light (Boston MA) Wild Sweet Orange (Birmingham AL) Wiley and the Checkmates (Oxford MS) Andre Williams (Chicago IL) Heloise Williams (Brooklyn NY) Robin & Linda Williams (Middlebrook VA) Saul Williams (Los Angeles CA) Tim Williams (Brooklyn NY) Willowz (Los Angeles CA) Will To Live (Houston TX) Dan Wilson (Minneapolis MN) Wing (Auckland NEW ZEALAND) Wisely (Los Angeles CA) Witch (Brattleboro VT) Witnes (Houston TX) Tommy Womack (Madisonville KY) The Wombats (Liverpool UK) Wooden Shjips (San Francisco CA) Woodhands (Toronto ON) Woodpigeon (Calgary AB) Working For A Nuclear Free City (Manchester UK) Hawksley Workman (Huntsville ON) World/Inferno Friendship Society (Brooklyn NY) Wussy (Cincinnati OH) Wye Oak (Baltimore MD) Xno Barbequex (Sydney AUSTRALIA) The XYZ Affair (Brooklyn NY) YahZarah Performing as Purple St. James (Washington DC) Yakuza (Chicago IL) Raya Yarbrough (Los Angeles CA) Yeasayer (Brooklyn NY) Yellow Fever (Austin TX) Yes King (Mark Rae) (Los Angeles CA) Larry Yes (Portland OR) Yo La Tengo (Hoboken NJ) You, Me, And Everyone We Know (Washington DC) Young Heart Attack (Austin TX) Young Lords (New York NY) Melissa Young (Atlanta GA) The Young Republic (Boston MA) Your Favorite Enemies (Montreal QC) James Yuill (London UK) The Yuppie Pricks (Austin TX) Yves Klein Blue (Brisbane AUSTRALIA) Zambri (New York NY) Zeale32 (Austin TX) Ze Dos Frangos (Lisbon PORTUGAL) Zona Tango (Buenos Aires ARGENTINA) Zookeeper (Austin TX) Zykos (Austin TX)
Can you imagine all these bands taking a shit at once?
- WHO: You and your friend, Sean Williamson.
- WHAT: SXSW 2008
- WHEN: March 7-16, 2008
- WHERE: Austin, TX
- WHY: Your credibility as a music fan hinges on your appearance. If you're not press, good luck.
2007 was a pretty good year for Pittsburgh, PA's Black Moth Super Rainbow. They released the excellent, Plug Awards-nominated (Avant Album of The Year) Dandelion Gum (TMT Review) and received belated praise for their ‘06 collaboration with The Octopus Project, House Of Apples & Eyeballs (Graveface Records). They also toured a lot, including opening slots for The Flaming Lips.
While 2008 may have gotten off to a slow start (hey, it's only February), things are about to heat up soon (not weather-wise, especially if you live in Midwest USA, where it may happen in mid-April, at best). The first project comes from BMSR member Ken Fec, whose solo album, Kongmanivong (Graveface), comes out February 23 under the name Power Pill First. Meanwhile, the winners of the Plug (which, by its name, sounds like a bad thing) will be announced March 6, with the double vinyl version (+bonus track) of Dandelion Gum available around then, probably in time for the band's two-and-a-half week trek through the middle and western parts of the United States. If you are on the fence about going, keep in mind that the band has stated on their website that this will be the only tour BMSR does this year, because they "gotta work on a new record." An informed reader is a better scheduler.
On Tuesday, February 5, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi died at home in the
Netherlands. Born some time between 1911 and 1918, Maharishi was the
founder of the Transcendental Meditation (TM) movement and is most
famous for working with ‘60s luminaries like The Beatles and The Beach
Boys, along with ‘60s goobers like Donovan. He taught Andy Kaufman,
who is the real-life version of that guy whose wife Courtney Love
played in Man on the Moon. Even David Lynch became a
believer. In 1958, Maharishi introduced TM technique, which simply
involves devoting 20 minutes every day to closed-eye meditation while
reciting a mantra. The Indian-born guru established several schools
for teaching meditation, bringing in several million dollars. After
his hippie heyday, he became somewhat controversial when several of
his students accused him of fraud for claiming he could teach them how
to fly. Since the 1990s, Maharishi lived in relative seclusion in the Dutch village of Vlodrop due to poor health.
Jeffrey Lewis Tours, There’s Not Much More My Computer Will Let Me Write Without Resorting to Subterfuge
In cse you hven’t noticed, I hven’t been too ctive on TMT recently. Few weeks go I spilled bunch of wter on my keybord nd disbled few of the keys, not the lest of which re, uh, the letters t the beginning nd end of the lphbet. I keep sying I’m going to replce it, but I m both ly nd broke. I feel bd for not writing, though, so I will ttempt to write this Jeffrey Lewis story without using the letters I’m missing:
Jeffrey Lewis is going on tour. He is witty in lots of his songs. His lyrics often seem funny or cute on first listen, but I think there is true soul there, once you listen more deeply. If I were you, I would go see him perform. By doing so with the likes of Times New Viking, he is sure to grow in profile. Next time he comes to your town, you might not get to see him like this.
I thought this would be less difficult. Going for it showed me my own terrible limits in bright, unforgiving light. You’re welcome, Mr. Lewis:
* Times New Viking & Super Furry Animals
& The Mountain Goats
Petya! Remember When You Saved Colin Meloy’s Life? Well, Fuck Him Because He’s Touring And That Cheap Asshole Isn’t Coming to Ohio or Indiana!
Everybody likes The Decemberists, but I will tell you right now that no one likes The Decemberists more than fellow TMT writer Petya Romanov and I. We'll fucking die for Colin Meloy, and if we were intoxicated, we'd totally die for Chris Funk too. In fact, one time Petya saved Colin Meloy's life. You didn't know because he's just too god damn humble to tell anyone about it. Petya, I know how you feel about this story, but the masses need to know the truth!
It's been about two years now since the life-saving event occurred on Febuary 24 2006. Petya and I had just met in Portland, OR and were attending some of the many titty bars in the neighborhood. (We originally went to spend our money on Portland's amazing music scene, but after we discovered the incredible sex scene, we decided that our money would be better "invested" elsewhere.) It was probably about 9:30 PM when Petya pointed at his AAA Guide: XXX Edition and promptly decided our next stop. We rolled into George's Dancin' Bare around 9:40, and both of our jaws dropped -- but for two very different reasons. My gaze was immediately drawn to a brunette dancing on one of the poles closest to the bar, and I start heading over that way. Petya grabs my shoulder and yells, "Scout!" He then proceeds to grab my head and point it toward the most bad-ass thing I've ever seen: Indie rock god Colin Meloy was getting a fucking lap dance right there in George's Dancin' Bare, and Petya and I got to watch! Petya gets all giddy and takes out his autograph Sharpie, while I run over thinking of how I can score an interview with him.
"Colin Meloy!" we scream. He gets up without saying a word, the stripper tumbling to the ground. He starts to quickly walk out and proceeds to trip; as Meloy falls, his glasses fall off and his cellphone flings out of his hand. His glasses promptly get crushed by a passerby, while his cell phone begins chirping a polyphonic version of "Engine Driver." Meloy is on the ground pouting, and he's looking at his cellphone screen, but he can't see who's calling since the motherfucker is blind as a bat without those hip black-framed glasses. Petya picks up Meloy's phone and says, "Oh shit, dude, it says 'the ol' ball & chain.'" Meloy flips out and yells, "What? Give me my fucking phone." We can tell he's wasted out of his mind. Meloy tries playin' it cool and he proceeds to sweet talk his wife by saying "Hey Carson, how're you, hunny?" After about a minute, he ends the call and stands up, as if he's just received the biggest fucking buzz kill of his life. Petya notices the problem and asks Meloy if Carson's water had broken. Colin looks stunned, and he asks Petya if he's a doctor. Petya replies by saying, "No sir, I'm a music journalist." Meloy smiles and throws Petya his car keys.
Minutes later, we're in Meloy's Z28 with Petya at the wheel and Colin riding shotgun to the hospital. We're on the interstate, rushing toward the hospital as fast as Petya's driving skills can safely get us there. When we finally make it, Meloy looks like absolute shit. We try and clean him up; Petya takes off his own black-framed glasses and hands it to Meloy. Miraculously, Petya's prescription is the exact same as Meloy's! Colin gets out of the car and thanks us. As Meloy stumbles toward the hospital, I hop up to the driver's seat and Petya winks at me. I tell him he's done a great thing and high-five him. We drive off in Colin Meloy's car, listening to some unreleased Decemberist's material that Meloy was jamming to.
If you'd like to support the man that is Colin Meloy who's supporting his new solo live album, Colin Meloy Sings Live! (due in April on Kill Rock Stars), then go see him at one of the following shows. You can even pick up an exclusive Colin Meloy Sings Sam Cooke album! Who know, maybe he'll be wearing Petya's glasses?