Shocking Allegations Today As Miscellaneous Rapper Has Coincidental Beef With Another Rapper Who Both Have New Albums Coming Out Before The Public’s Attention Span Expires
Since the dawn of marketing, collective groups of people have relied on their own tactics to lure potential buyers into making the right decision. Rock has the drug overdose, Country has sweet sibling love, Emo has retards in stupid clothes, and Hip Hop has the feud. Pioneered by the likes of the Juice Crew and Boogie Down, Biggie and Tupac, and fuck...those emo kids really do piss me off. Hold on...man, you know what would be good right now? Some hamburger helper. Shit was just advertised on TV, using this really hot mom in one those tight little sweater vests. I barely even noticed what they were selling until they showed a close up of the finished product. Now lemme tell you, I've made Hamburger Helper, but it never turned out that good. I mean never. Some of it always sticks to the bottom of the pan, but wait...I got rid of that shitty pan, and I've got a new one that sticks to nothing. So maybe it was that awful 4.99 Ikea frying pan that was ruining my Helper. I should write a letter to Ikea. Tell them about these crazy hip-hop feuds that have been happening.
You know, Jay-Z vs LL Cool J(from UPN's In The House), Saigon vs Mobb Deep, and Kanye vs 50 cent. Conveniently all these dudes have newly released albums, and they all sport persona's that would benefit from the 'cred' this type of feud would generate. The conflict has even escalated to violence between Saigon and a member of Mobb Deep, with two punches being thrown at a recent show. Can you imagine this happening in any other genre? What about with those emo cretins? Instead of clever word play or actual violence, they'd see who can apply eye liner faster, or who can put on the tightest pants, and then culminate each feud in an riotous display of sissy slapping and crying.
I think noise feuds would be the most interesting, probably kick it off by mimicking the other artist's knob twiddling style, then mock them with an exaggerated mime laugh before finally pummeling the audience with a really harsh tone. The other artist would counter with an equivalent to the brown note, except it actually works, causing everyone to shit themselves. For bonus points, the music would be silenced and the sound of a room full of people shitting their pants would be recorded by the artist responsible, and would be used as a sample on a new track entitled 'Kanye raps over the shittiest tone ever while I slurp noodles into a mic.' They'd press it on the most expensive vinyl possible, and make limited edition buyers perform a round-the-world scavenger hunt ala the Amazing Race to find their copy. Hilariously, the hunt would lead to a local record store where the clerk reveals the edition was limited to one copy, which was unceremoniously destroyed in the alley, but the pieces are on sale for 7.99.
Dear Billy Corgan,
I think it's about time you and I had a talk. Why? Why would you defame what's left of the Smashing Pumpkin legacy (which wasn't much to being with) by gathering up a bunch of B-list musicians--not to mention your lackey Jimmy Chamberlain--and drag them across the US like a carnival sideshow? Are you t hat hungry for attention? Is this a cry for help?
I know that you aren';t in a position to book wrestling anymopre nor are you really succeding as a solo artist. And we won't begin to dissect the disaster that was known as Zwan. I figured by now that your ego would be satisfied by the legion of gullible kids you've suckered over the past 15 years into hinging on your every word. In my book, you're just a step below L. Ron Hubbard, Charles Mason, and Marshall Applewhite (not to be confused with former Texas QB Major Applewhite--I totally want to name my first born male child Major but that's a subject for another day).
Anyway, I'm sure you'll dismiss this and dream of the days that "Tonight, Tonight" was a hit and you were contributing to the outcome of Glacier vs. Mortis for an edition of WCW Thunder alongside Bob Mould. So, enjoy your time on the road with a band of halfwits (and Jimmy Chamberlain) and bringing prothestic sadness to a bunch of confused teenagers with that pale, anemic bald head of yours.
Oh, I almost forgot: Fuck you!
P.S. Why am I telling people when your tour dates are? Maybe it's a public service announcement to townsfolk to hide in basements and bomb shelters until you pass.
Alright let's get this done because I have to pee a little... for a long time Radiohead hasn't had any of their stuff on iTunes (except the song from Romeo and Juliet!, which I really identified with as a kid because though I didn't have a gun I DID have a pack of sandwiches). Some people have probably been pretty sad about that, probably getting up from their chairs and being like "What's the deal guys, y'all's the Beatles or somethin'?," though I don't know many people who look for stuff on iTunes that's readily available in stores and came out 30 years ago...
Nevertheless, the band has made a BOLD wait bold decision to remain iTunes-less not because of any untoward actions on the part of Apple or Steve Jobs, but because they allow the selling of music "by the song." Radiohead and its members (THOMJONNYCOLINPHILTHATOTHERGUYWITHTHEFRILLYSHIRTS) feel that their albums must not be broken up into delicious slices. To listen to them you must accept a whole pie. Which reminds me that one time I went to a 24 hr diner and there was an acquaintance from high school who was eating a full cherry pie by herself and I was...well I was enthralled.
Let me just take a second here to put out a theory I have about the band, or less a theory and more a slight problem I have even in the throes of full enjoyment whilst listening to their songs: Is Phil Selway undermining the mission of the band with his robot-like drumming? Listen: if they're raison d'etre is to subvert the ways of machinery, how come they keep their anthems shackled under the cruelly calculated arm movements of their bald-headed "mate"?
Okay so just because you can't slam your sk8boards to their tracks via iTunes doesn't mean you can't download their albums in full mp3 format!! "iTunes insists that all its albums are sold unbundled, but 7digital doesn't. Radiohead prefer to have their albums sold complete. The artist has a choice, and if they feel strongly then we respect that," says someone that represents the band. So if you're itching for albums by this phantastic band, time to slap fives because 7digital's got the HOOOOK! Up. Just download "Pull/Pulk Revolving Doors" and set on repeat. Do you actually know how to tie a tie?
tracklisting for ok computer:
MIGHT tthis be a better news story if i had actually heard the song si'm talking about? maybe. probnably? probably. i'm listening to "twin killers" right now, and just got done listening to "the last trumpeter swan," although it really is only the last HALF of the actual "the last trumpeter swan." anyway this twin killesr thing is live, but unexcitingly so. so far. anyway the thing i am talking about is the "new" "live" album deerhoof is releasing on their website. if you were around in 2005 you saw this smae kinda thing happen where they did that bibidi babidi boo thing and it wasn't very exciting, but whatever, it's deerhoof, right?
truth be told there used to be a lot of their stuff on the "puzzling music archives" that is very difficult to find, OH, in fact, this is the perfec topportunity (haha friend opportunity) to ask you people if you know what the HELL they're playing in this song, i think i either got it on the puzzling music archive or on soulseek sometime when i was trying to gather everything of theirs that they'd ever recorded. on my computer the track title tag is "Live 2000-2003," which is weird because it sa 14-minute track and you'd expect more from 4 years, but anywa it starts with this keyboard/vocal line that i really can't place anywhere in their catalogue. then again it's been a long time since i've listend to halfbird or holdypaws so, yknow, maybe my meory is just bad.
ANYWAY, the point of this news story is to tell you that deerhoof are "releasing" "a" "free" "mp3" "album" on their killrockstars tomain, which is deerhoof.killrockstars.com. and it's like, i can only imagine being excited about this if you're really REALLY into deerhoof, which, if that means you are anything like the 2002/2003 me, you've probably gathered stuff like this from various sources already, and if you're not that really into deerhoof, you probably don't care anway.
although, here's something interesting, for some reason ihave a track from a 2004 peel session that is labeled "jorbebs friend," and of course i thought th leack of an apostrophe wasn't terribly disconcerting, but now on this "mp3 album" they're releasing they seem to be calling it "Jorge b.s. friend," so who knows.
let me be totaly honest here and say that if you're not an obsessive deerhoof fan this is totally uninteresting to you, and in fact i know of a lot of stuff that's floating around that is actually more intersing than this, like for instance an alternate studio version of "top tim rubies" where satomi rather than greg does the "he was born here" lyrics, and there isn't even a "oh no he's already gone oh no" line, that melody is just played by a keyboard, anyway it's fascinating in a weird way, but i guess actualy if that were to be in fact fascinating to you, then this thing they're doing now probably will be also, so., just download it, i mean it's free, just don't expect to love it for any reason.
p.s. the new ween album leaked recently
oh and here's the more important stuff i forgot to say, as quoted directly from mr p
"Also be sure to check out the long letter from Greg, Satomi, and John that gives an in-depth account of Deerhoof happenings over the past year, and includes some really fun videos and photographs from their tours with Radiohead, The Flaming Lips, Fiery Furnaces, Busdriver, and more.
"Deerhoof is still touring in support of Friend Opportunity, their latest album which came out earlier this year on Kill Rock Stars. This week the gang will begin a tour with Bloc Party:
sep 21 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live (w/ J Versus and Bloc Party)
sep 22 - Dallas, TX - House of Blues (w/ J Versus and Bloc Party)
sep 23 - Tulsa, OK - Cain's Ballroom (w/ Smoosh and Bloc Party)
sep 25 - Nashville, TN - City Hall (w/ Smoosh and Bloc Party)
sep 26 - Covington, KY - Madison Theatre (w/ Smoosh and Bloc Party)
sep 28 - Toronto, Ontario - Ricoh Coliseum (w/ Smoosh and Bloc Party)
sep 29 - London, Ontario - John Labatt Center (w/ Smoosh and Bloc Party)
sep 30 - Pontiac, MI - Eagle Theater
oct 01 - Madison, WI - Memorial Union Rathskellar
oct 02 - Minneapolis, MN - McGuire Theater at Walker Arts Center
oct 03 - Denver, CO - Bluebird
oct 06 - Salt Lake City, UT - In The Venue
oct 19 - Reykjavik, Iceland - Iceland Airwaves
nov 02 - London, UK - Release The Bats @ The Forum (w/ Liars,
Deerhunter, Black Lips, and more)
"Last week Deerhoof released the first picture disc seven-inch on KRS which featured new art from David Shrigley, the Scottish-based artist who created the 12 album covers for Friend Opportunity. They also have music featured both on the soundtrack and in the film Dedication, and the soundtrack is out now on Commotion Records/Koch."
so i guess follow the links that wil inevitably be tacked onto this article to find out what the hell he's talking about. after hearing friend opportunity i'm not as excited about deerhoof as i used to be DID I SAY THAT OUTLOUD.
oh and if you'r really into them you should chekc out some of their bsides, for instance "surprise symphony" from their "c" single of 2002 is really great, and they have some archived live perofmrance son wfmu that are worth checking out
and also if you're a newcomer seriously "man king girl" and "holdypaws' are worth checking out, i don' understand why holdypaws gets such a bad rap, it's actually pretty good
Hello shit-faced newsathon, I will be writing about Band of Horses tonight while intoxicated. I hope all readers enjoy.
Note: Indiana law prohibits the purchasing of alcohol from liquor stores on Sunday.
I realized Sunday was the best day to write this story. I've decided to skip my morning classes because I'm a pussy and I like to sleep in when I have a hang over. I am also lazy, and using this as an excuse to miss French 201 and Post-Colonial Lit.
With this last minute decision, I realized I had no liquor, not even drugs, and no contacts whatsoever. So I scrounged what I could.
- A flask full of vodka
- Three shots of Newfoundland Screech rum
- A half bottle of Bacardi rum
- Some fruity wine that child molesters drink
- One shot of Evan Williams whiskey
And so I started with the Newfoundland Screech. The rest is history.
Oh, I was supposed to be writing a news story... Crap, shit. I'm drunkered. I haven't been writing anything. I mean, I haven't been keeping a good count of the shots I've had. I started messing around with my instruments and not writing this story.
(sidenote for marv - yipee = greg do good, so after 3 shots of screech and and 5 shots of Bacardi, which I accidently chaced with Bacardi instead of coke, shit. Fuck. Word 2007 sucks.) (what a munute... I was going to write that I am lush sidenot = ebarrassssing, also was emabarrrassed that I rented John Tucker Must Die at work and that was a great movie.)
Okay, so Band O' Horses and Walmart -- (think of title later -- write it at top of written stuff).
So Band O' Horses sold out to Walmart. I'm a lush but I'll will drink more so I will be cool to our readership and society. I don't know who would want to read this. At fizirst I thought it was funny but "whoa I lost the mouser scrolly thing.
(sidenote thingy: 3 more shot of Bacardi:I don't even know. Fuck mr. p.)
So my fiancée keeps distracting me with POlarioids she has been taking of our kittens. Whoa. So TMT sold out. This a disgrace to journalistical intergrity. Rock on, Gorge Bucsh.!
Okay, s Band O' Horses. Here goes the story, right? Right@!
So Band O' Horses lended their beloved hiospter anthem "The Funeral" to the new walmart website--wait for link--.http://savemoneylivebetter.com/. This is a site abotunhot how cool walfart is..yeah joke. Walfart. Sp drunk. I'm cool.
So I worked at walmart for a month. I betg band o' horses never worked at walkmert. Assholes.no, I liked them. I liked carissa's weird better, but whatever... that's neither here or there essays. This was a bad idea mr. p. to have us write wasted. Bad. Bad idea. Anyways so I worked at walmart for a month, helping them create this grocery section out of a regular walmart and then bleeding myself to death in the deli. But the truth is the funniest thing I tell people about walmart is how their training video was about.
Scenario: If you are a cashier and someone holds a gun to you at "gunpoint" ... whoa, that sounded stupid, andyways if someone was robbing you as a cashier you are supposed to "act" and faint according to their training videos. I also worked at Target for three years -- they said "give the robber what was in the cash drawer, you are more important to us than money... Walmart's cares are obvious.
Question: If sam Walton was sooooo smart, than why is he dead?
At least I clocked in one day and just left and went back to bed. Came back in to clock at and some guy thought I was still working. HAHE. Ha. Okay so I want to get this over because I bought the fifth season of Full House on dvd earlier tonight at Walmart and I want to prefereabrly pass out watching the olsen twins coked up.
So what? They are still a decent India rock band. Quit you g-damn winin'. (3 or 4 or 5 more shots -- seriously, sorry mr. p -- you know I'm a good guy, and I'm trying to keep track) So they have a new album and tour as well. The album is called Cease to Begin and it's out on Subpop on October 9th. The guys will be on Letterman on October 18th and Conan on November 5th. Hell, maybe even I will be on Conan someday. I tired my best at writing this news. So I'll copy and past, lethargically, this album tracklist and tourdated. I hope that does people good. If not go to stereogum and/or p4k and get the ineveitable truth.
Okay, reader, so I took a break, comma, to, comma, eat some carrots... I was going to eat mircrowavered buffalo hot spicy wings, but I realized I a drunken fatass... so I ate carrots fo my drunken brak. The cat licked them...crazzzzzzy. But I still at them. Cat spit be damn good for you. Shit. But hey dawgs I used BACON RANCH, which kicks fuckin ass. So I cheated.
So that's the end. We had a greta time tonights fuckerz. But Jodie swetten is preggerz and life continues. Just band o' horses continues (btw -- for mr. p. sidenot -- most like 5 more shots) let me tell you publically real quickly about the time I puked all over my Armenian roommate Vache's white Persian rug as blacked out naked and woke up at my fiancés places the next morning with the worst hangover I ever fucking have, but still ate excellent thai food the next night. Let us pray the never happens again.
BAND O' HORSES LOVES KRAFT BACON RANCH AND SO THEY TOUR, TOUR, TOUR: and track list, once again bad idea mr. p. but god, do I love tmt.
CEASE TO BEGIN TRACK LISTING
i am often known to come home and fill out myspoace surveys when i am drunk, which seems like a really fucking lame hting to do, i should be like, havong sex with my girlfriend but hey sometimes she's not there! so it's myspace surveys. ANYWAY, the howle point is that i usually spell really well when i'm absoltuely obliterated, but that's what i am NOT. obliterated that is. i am just not fixing my typos because i am feeling a good buzz my friends. monday night would have been aGREAT night to write about the thermals because i went to see the holds teady next to the former world trade center (that was kidn of awkward) and i proceeded to get wasted with some of the band, but when i came home i was inebriated enought o FORGET to write the tour story. i woke up with my ckmputer still on and a britney fucking spears website open. i am the female lester bangs, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN>. but you know the hold steady PLAYED with the thermals (i almost wrote art brut but that story's been DONE) and you know what would have completed the mood of this story i'm writing is some feminax. can you believe people take that shit? FEMINAX. just the name ... "guys lets go get fucked up on FEMINAX." sexy, kind of!?
but yeah the thermals. i could have seen them at nyu but i was dirhnking tall boys on the subway. and then i had to argue with nyu security to get into the show. and then the thermals were done. fuck nyu ... the undergrads anyway. i'm just kidding, big love. kinda. i remember wanting to say the name of the first thermals album on my COLLEGE RADIO SHOW (i was really cool in college) but i couldn't and it would just get stuck on my lips like fffffffffffffffffffffff ... ffffffuuu .... (silently in my head FUCKING A!) but it was so unfulfilling. kidn of like working real hard and not feeling that sweet release, you know what i mean? fucking a.
seirously i could keep goiong but you know what, i'm gonan go watch thirty rock and drool on tina fey. and maybe alec baldwin too but not really in that way. my friend hung otu with him at some NYPIRG event once. there's a picture onf acebook. check it. or maybe don't. i feel like he might not like to know that it's there. HAY SUP IM ALEC BALDWIN WITH TWO HOT BOSOMY COLLEGE GIRLS! MEOW!
normally i would format these all nice bUT I DONT FEEL LIKE IT:
I'm not as "shitrface" as i thouhgt id be...qhcih maybe tels you how shitfaced i am....so the magik markers are going on tour. so the heading i've decied upon is :magik makers" are your youth minister. I'm not sure what this alludes to, mayeb the fact that when i was in mmiddle/high school i went to chuch youth grtoulp stuff alll the time. I once had a yotuth minister tell me that satan conrolled rain. the magik markers, i asure you, would not have done that. when i went to churhc camp in 10th grade the pastr told me that other people haed seen visions in the sky of dragons. meanwhile, nothing was happening, and we were in arkansas. fuck arka sas.
* Sober note: The band currently has this night off, and should really consider playing a show somewhere in the North Texas
area (where I happen to live), as it would be right along the way.
My roommate Aaron won't shut the hell up about there being several Andrew WK's. The genuine article doesn't even tour anymore and just gets lookalikes to tour in his place.
You'd imagine some "Andrew WK college" like clown college where a bunch of guys learn to grow their hair out, wear filthy clothes and get wasted but I GUESS THAT'S JUST REGULAR COLLEGE.
Anyway one of those jerks is helping Sightings bang on stuff and yell, creating "dense sonic textures" that SHUT UP DAD, IT IS TOO REAL MUSIC
Professionalism: The entire album, "Through the Panama" can be streamed on the free here. It comes out October 28, just in time for your goulish "Hallowe'en" party.
I got this story in late because every time I drank a decent amount I stopped caring about writing or anything besides Hot Snakes and Void. My apologies to Master P.
All right, we must flesh this out before things get too wicked. I keep hearing knocks and budges like the house is breathing. Someone is going to find out what this is all about. But that is not what this is all about. Oh shit. Ghost trails have begun. FOCUS! Laughter outside. My eyes are heating up and shifting without my command. My view is a microwave oven. FOCUS! GALLOWS! English Punk rock/Hardcore punk band from Watford! LOUDER! BIGGER! FASTER! THE TEXT ISN”T REALLY GROWING? Like Gallows, fast and obnoxious. They played a show for some kids, hooligans (the ghost trails have lost their need for an original object and are just flowing independently across my field of view). Really cold now. FOCUS! There are so many light sources shut up! Have you ever been relegated to a kindergartner? I’m sure Frank Carter has. Every time he goes on stage right? Loses oneself and goes and gets a tattoo (Reading Festival) This time, hold on kids, no this time he (UFO SIGHTINGS IN MY LIVING ROOM and I CAN”T SWALLOW ANYTHING) I CAN”T TAKE IT> IT CREEPING OUT OF MY FINGERNAILS NOW> IS THIS EUPHORIA? No this time he does something so lame, so predictable, he injures himself on stage. Boring. Have some more jam with your toast, mum? Nah thanks. What’s on the telly? Oh Frank Carter has gone an injured himself while performing at Stoke last night. When hasn’t he injured himself. Next up please.
Do I lose points if I tell you I’ m listening to LCD Soundstyem right now? I sincerely like them. But fuck ikeep swallowing copper blood and the page is jumping like a sour lisa frank folder. How fucking obvious right? But sometimes you get someplace so hard it just makes sense. And I think Frank Carter has it. Fuck the fingernail jumping bit again. PURE EUPFOHRA! Have I stopped the clock? But in all seriousness we are going to assume that you know that this whole while the page is still dancing and there’s a fucking disco party going on all around me. Its great except I’m not invited.
“"Gallows is not my life. Never has been, never will. It's a hobby I get paid for.” Frank Carter. He understands. But the poor fucker has a gnarly head wound and I’ammm safe on the couch listening to osme chubby guy make me vibrate . (SMILES AND YELLS UNCONTROALLBY FORGETS HOW TO BREATHE)JOY DIVISION. What do you want to know? Frank Knows it. Now I’m just going by feeling and its getting alive. I sat in a lurching most convenient phase with being completely horizontal not doing anything save thinking. NO lay thinking aside. I opened my jaw and thought about the possibilities and now I’m gnawing to feel aliveit’s like a multi tiered shopping mall. Each hour is another level but the joke is it’s only been mamybe forty five minutes and my nose is on fire. BLAST! God Psyche. Let’s get po-mo. How much am I faking? Is this sincre? Was Frank sincere? He knows they are oinly going to be a flash and nothing more. Mercury lit and diffused before the alarm was signaled. So maybe. Now it’s all about physical skin on skin. Oh should I also say I haven’t slept in over thirty six hours. No homo. The worst part is crying in the arms of an ex lover.
11-hot hot heat sucks!!!!
Dates in semi-tmt format:
Fish is breain food!! and im' a shitface fuckass. sure!! shitfaced dickprick ass munch. you're a cokc is bigger than my head! and your balls sag low. and they wobble to and fro. you can tie them in a knot and tie them in a bow. and you can throw them over your sould like a a continenaltal shoulder! your balls hang low.