Universal Wants To Marry Your Dad and Force You To Eat Dinner, Even Though You Totally Despise Chicken Alfredo
I've never been one to call my dad an internet service provider (ISP), but he is definitely a provider of financial backing when it comes to college, and I thank him for that. Love ya, Dad! Nonetheless, an ISP is an important part of my daily life, especially being in college and no longer having to deal with the dial-up hell I lived in when my primary residence was across from a barn (thanks again, Dad). Without an ISP, I'd be totally without an outlet to the world to write horribly written news stories such as the one you are reading for an even worse website. Why do you come here anyway?
Oh, what's that? You wanted to know what ridiculous shit Universal has been trying to pull out of their ass as of late? Well, let me clue you in as quick as I can, because chicken alfredo sounds pretty good right now, and I'm fuggin' hungry.
1. Universal automatically assumes you are using P2P to trade their music illegally.
2. Universal has come up with a plan to get money from you when you use P2P to trade their music illegally.
3. This very tentative plan is called TotalMusic and involves your ISP and an extra $15 a month from you.
4. Even if you don't download music or you hate music, you still would have to pay the extra $15 a month if Universal and your ISP sleep together.
5. Universal will begin watermarking all of their music. DRM for the win, supposedly.
6. Wired's Listening Post writer Eliot Van Buskirk says the two major problems with TotalMusic are as follows:
There are two clear problems with this plan, both involving parties being forced to opt in to the system. First, it would charge all of an ISP's subscribers for accessing the music even if they don't want it and aren't downloading it. Second, a forced opt-in organization like SoundExchange would have to administer the system for all artists and labels; otherwise rights holders and ISPs would need to negotiate a near infinite number of deals in order to offer the 100% catalog coverage consumers would demand for their monthly fee.
So to sum this all up; Universal wants to automatically charge you for music, regardless of whether or not you download it.
The epidemic of Lyrics Born illness that has swept uncontrollably across Australia in the past month is expected to hit the United States by mid-October, says Julie Louise Gerberding, M.D., M.P.H., director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Thousands of Australians are already mad ill. Some are even suffering from what scientists refer to as ‘terminal flow,’” implored Dr. Gerberding, in a recent press conference. “We need to act now, before our whole country is g’d up from the feet up.”
Dr. Gerberding made it clear in her speech that it is not if but when America will be hit by this particularly devastating strain of silly freshness. Scientists have even predicted a date and location for patient zero: October 18 in Eureka, California. You can do your part by watching this informational video and listening to the tracks on Lyrics Born’s MySpace page with your family. Also be sure to watch out for the following symptoms:
- Sick beats
- Infectious lyricism
- Spitting hot fire
- The involuntary compulsion to throw ones hands in the air, wave them with no regard to consequence.
Scientists expect the outbreak to travel as follows:
* Del the Funky Homosapian
** Ryan Shaw
Ragged rockstar Frank Black and cooler-than-thou actor Johnny Depp may have more in common than you think.
Sure, the two rebels might make the girls scream for entirely different reasons, and Black doesn't exactly measure-up in the, uh... well, "hair" department. But still, damned if they aren't both ego-maniacs, damned if they aren't both cult figures that seem to make their target audience swoon no matter what (and considering that whole Charlie and the Chocolate Factory thing, that's saying a lot), and damned if they aren't both more or less unintelligible when delivering their most famous roles.
Yup. It's hard to believe, but the only real difference between these two sons of bitches (besides the hair and level of beauty) is that old boy Johnny Depp only acts like a crazy-ass pirate when the cameras are rolling, but Frank Black just dials up the lunacy whenever the hell he feels like it.
Case in point, the ever duplicitous Black will be sailing down the Pacific coast after re-donning his much more dubious and decidedly more mercenary-like stage name "Black Francis" (an alias which the mad singer hasn't employed since his days captaining Pixies' ship in ye olde 1990s) to promote NOT a Pixies Record, but none other than his newly fashioned solo record (also recorded under the "Black Francis" moniker), which was recently released via the Cooking Vinyl label and contains just about as many gruff growls and crack-mouthed snarls as even the most consumptive of 17th-century pirates would utter.
And the record's name? Bluefinger.
See? Sounds like pirate talk to me.
But just to make things a little weirder (i.e., a little more like At World's End), let me remind all you land-lovers that Captain Black Francis' new album was reportedly influenced by the deceased Dutch painter/musician Herman Brood, who Black says was the "Dutch personification of 'sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.'" So, I guess this is some sort of racial thing? Hmmm...
Either way, the dates below only pillage the West Coast, but Black's ship is at the mercy of the trade winds, so keep your spyglasses peeled for additional dates as they develop.
MediaDefender, one of the more pernicious organizations dedicated to anti-piracy measures against P2P and torrent sites, is in a little bit of a mess right now. Reason being that over 700MB of company e-mail has been hacked by a group who dashingly refer to themselves as ‘MediaDefender-Defenders.’ These e-mails were released onto BitTorrent -- of course -- over the weekend and verily, they are a sight to behold.
Owned by ARTISTdirect, MediaDefender basically operates by setting up accounts on torrent sites spreading fake files across file-sharing networks. The company is then able to collate IP addresses of users downloading the files and send copyright infringement notices to ISPs and/or launch denial of service attacks against the distributors. For example, the fragrantly named a55talk on torrentreactor.to is the 47th most prolific uploader on the site, yet the e-mails reveal that this particular scat-lover was a creation of MediaDefender. Best not download your copy of Curtis from there, eh kids? Maybe you should get it from any of the torrent sites that MediaDefender don’t monitor -- an easier job, now that I can give you a list of the sites that it trains its piggy little eyes upon (top to bottom in order of ‘strength of presence’):
You’d think, given the humanitarian bent of MediaDefender’s work, that it would be doing it all purely for the love of the job. Not so, according to another of the indiscreet e-mails. It states that MediaDefender charges a sweet $4,000 a month for ‘protecting’ one album or $2,000 a month to throw those comforting, motherly arms around a single track. Certainly not chump change. So, who is MediaDefender charging? According to its website: "MediaDefender has been contracted by every major record label and every major movie studio, video game publishers, software publishers, and anime publishers."
Perhaps the most intriguing electronic missives concern the MiiVi.com site that appeared a couple of months back. Basically, this site was a super-fast download portal that also encouraged users to download an app that would enable increased download speeds. Instead, the app was a trojan horse that searched the user’s computer for illegally downloaded material, and all the files on the site were corrupted -- which isn’t surprising considering the site was owned and operated by MediaDefender. And how was this discovered? A simple check of WHOIS revealed that MediaDefender had been too busy wiping its cocaine-gorged nose with $100 bills to bother covering up the fact that the MiiVi domain registration was in its name. As MediaDefender’s glorious leader, Randy Saaf, said in an e-mail when he learned of the busting, “This is really fucked. Let’s pull miivi offline.” Naturally, at the time, Saaf was eager to deny that MiiVi was any sort of honey-pot, that it was merely an internal experiment that was mistakenly released onto the wider internet. Patent bullshit, of course, and the e-mails indeed appear to confirm that he was lying, as they include comments concerning the current take-up rate of the MiiVi trojan horse by members and a discussion of the possibility of relaunching the site under the name of viide.com. The dudes still couldn’t work out how to mask the domain ownership, though...
There’s a ton more information contained in the e-mails, and I’d recommend you visit your friendly neighborhood torrent site for some quick download action should you want to read more. Can’t read? Then why not listen to some leaked MediaDefender phone calls? Considering that the e-mails also contained the names, addresses, and phone numbers of all the main officials of the company, those at MediaDefender can probably expect one or two billion unexpected pizza deliveries in the near future.
This report is on Matt Pond PA. First, Matt Pond PA had a wonderful family of six. Second, I have some of the important dates in Matt Pond PA's life. Third, Matt Pond PA was famous because he fought in the Civil War and later became president. Lastly, I have some facts about Matt Pond PA's new album and fall tour. Now I'm going to tell you more details.
First, Matt Pond PA had a wonderful family of six. He had four children: three boys and one girl. Their names were Ellen, Jesse, Frederick, and Ulysses. His wife was Julia Boggs Dent. This was Matt Pond PA's family.
Second, these are some of the important dates in Matt Pond PA's life. On April 27, 1822, he was born in Point Pleasant, Ohio. In 1843, he graduated from West Point University. On August 22, 1848, he married
Julia Dent. In 1854, he resigned from the army. In 1861, he was appointed Colonel of the Illinois Volunteers. In 1863, he led Union troops to victory. In 1864, he was named Supreme Commander of all
Union forces. On April 9, 1865, he accepted the surrender of Confederate forces under General Robert E. Lee. In 1868, he was elected president of the United States. In 1872, he was re-elected president. In 1880, he was defeated in presidential nomination. On July 23, 1885, he died in Mount Gregor, New York. These are some important dates in Matt Pond PA's life.
Third, Matt Pond PA was famous because he fought in the Civil War and later became President of the United States. In trenches around Richmond and Petersburg was where General Robert E. Lee retreated and then surrendered to Grant at Appomattox Court House on April 9, 1865. Matt Pond PA proved through the wars that he fought in that he was a fearless soldier, a great general, and a humble man. He was the
18th president. He was after Johnson, and before Hayes.
Lastly, I have some facts about Matt Pond PA's new album and fall tour. On September 25, 2007, Matt Pond PA's new album will be released and it will be entitled Last Light. This album will be produced by Matt Pond PA and will benefit from the help of Neko Case and other well-known musicians. On September 27, 2007, Matt Pond PA will begin a national headlining tour in Boston, Massachusetts and will continue
his campaign until he reaches Brooklyn, New York on November 5, 2007. This is the latest news on Matt Pond PA.
In conclusion, this is my report on Matt Pond PA. He was a great man.
Last Light tracklisting:
While surfing THE FACEBOOK, you find this really, really ripped dude. Check that profile, GURL!
Interested in: Hip young people wanting to sell their own tickets
Relationship Status: Single, if you are
Hometown: Philadelphia, PA
Website: Facebook applications page
Interests: Movies, Gettin’ Freaky, Weightlifting, Allowing you (oh sticky-sweaty-sexy TMTer with Facebook) to sell blocks of (up to 5,000) tickets for smaller venues -- like local and college shows by adding the above Facebook application... fly honeys, weightlifting
We live in cutting edge times. With our flying cars, space vacations, and “downloadable” music, we need to adapt to a completely different set of societal rules and regs than even our parents did. More importantly for this asinine news story, we need to adhere to new practices concerning anniversary gift ideas for companies who have hit certain key numbers of purchased digital downloads.
It used to be so easy. For example, if eMusic, “the world’s leading digital retailer of independent music, second only to iTunes in number of downloads sold” (thank you Billboard), were to turn 15 years old, we would get them something made of crystal if we were traditionalists or a watch if we were modern dandies. Old school gifters don't have designated gift suggestions for “the big 44,” but if eMusic were to reach that magical milestone, it would surely receive some groceries from neoteric celebrants. Groceries? Hmm. Well, nothing says "Happy 44th" like half-eaten Lunchables and some cream soda, that’s for damned sure!
Everyone knows it is impolite, bordering on a hangable offense, to ask a multi-conglomerate corporation how old they are... but we do know that eMusic has surpassed 150 million downloads sold, which means they are due for a present!
The chart below will tell you exactly what gift is apropos for such momentous downloading occasions:
1 hundredth download: troll doll
45 thousandth download: placemat from greasy spoon (preferably with children's puzzle-maze one-third completed and droplets of chocolate milkshake on corner)
112 thousandth download: horse-head bookends
599 thousandth download: the anniversary of fuzzy felt
900 thousandth download: 15 minutes + padded cell + Karen Ann (sorry, I have no idea how my “3 wishes for a genie” list ended up here)
1 millionth download: boobies or weewee immortalized by Cynthia Plaster Caster (a great showpiece for the mantle!)
16 millionth download: bandanas and/or medium-density fibreboard
17 millionth download: a formal dinner followed by a best-out-of-101 Euchre game with Chris Tucker, Gilbert Gottfried, and Rosie O’Donnell (listen, I don’t make the rules, I just report them…)
37 millionth download: anything mylar
71 millionth download: the chance to narrate an episode of A&E's City Confidential
111 millionth download: dust
150 millionth download: solid gold bathtub
The fun ends there. With each successive 150 millionth download sold that a company celebrates, you get another tub. Congratulations eMusic! You’re soakin’ in it!
October 30, Columbia/Legacy -- excuse me, Sony BMG -- will release The Other Side of the Mirror -- Bob Dylan Live at the Newport Folk Festival 1963-1965, a retrospective DVD that captures Bob Dylan in his finest and most virile moments -- being political, chillin’ (and possibly even frenching) with Joan Baez, plus probably going electric. Ever since his death, Dylan’s influence and mythic power -- as well as his library of releases -- has only grown, much like a delicious fungus on the bleu cheese of rock ‘n’ roll history. Dylan peaks like Highway 61 Revisited and Blonde on Blonde just wouldn’t be the same if followed by decades of uninspired, tautological drivel. We can only imagine an alternate future where Dylan, with Lennon, Hendrix, and Coltrane, hit the road in some sort of washed-up Traveling Wilder-band, hawking sexy underwear, dropping discs in soulless corporate coffee chains, and releasing sometimes critically acclaimed but ultimately irrelevant albums every few years.
In addition to the DVD, Sony BMG is further milking its posthumous coffers with Dylan, a "best of" to be sold in all sorts of wacky packaging -- an 18-song cheapo edition, a 3-disc perfect-for-the-holidays set, and a "deluxe LIMITED EDITION," which goes so far as to even include much sought after collectable postcards. Next time you’re on vacation, nothing says "I’d send these to you if they didn’t belong to a LIMITED EDITION set" like $40 unusable postcards.
And then there’s I’m Not There: a requiem of sorts, a last scrape of that ol’ Dylan goldmine, a final "Thanks for all the memories, Bob. See you in hell."
Wzt Hearts, the new sensation of the century, have released their sophomore album Threads Rope Spell Making Your Bones (TMT Review) today on Carpark Records. Apparently, the album is a conceptual "reimagining" of the 1981 Black Flag classic Damaged, surely a daring move for any group. But Wzt Hearts are quick to point out that it's not a "cover album," but instead a benefit compilation with the subtitle Instant Karma: Save Darfur. The interesting thing about this benefit album, however, is that it plays entirely in reverse. Yep, the whole album plays backwards! But Wzt Hearts went even one step further by separating the musical parts of the songs and releasing them on four separate discs, requiring listeners to essentially play all four CDs simultaneously in order to hear the "full" album.
Threads Rope Spell Making Your Bones -- Instant Karma: Save Darfur is released worldwide today, with three special-edition U.S. versions exclusive to iTunes, Best Buy, and Target -- each version contains different bonus tracks. Jimmy Chamberlin guest drums on two tracks. Chris Walla produced the album. Colin Meloy co-wrote a song. Dan Deacon endorses the album, etc., etc.
Bad Brains Re-Enter the Spotlight, Tour, Bradley “Brad” Brains Jr. Finally Beginning to Understand the Prank Phone Calls that Drove His Father to Alcoholism and Suicide
Bad Brains were arguably the first and best hardcore band of all time. They fused punk and reggae like none other, inspiring a generation to play faster than their juvenile, coffee-addled brains could have ever imagined. Then they went downhill, and for a long time absolutely nothing happened.
Bad Brains are touring. The members are bona fide legends at this point and, on the heels of their acclaimed new album, Build A Nation, seem poised to claim their place in the pantheon.
I don’t care. I love Bad Brains, and I don’t care. I am only wondering one thing: Does this mean they will collaborate with Lil Jon? I know they’re friends. Lil Jon is a fan of Bad Brains. Everyone likes Lil Jon, so Bad Brains are fans of Lil John. I want to hear Dr. Know and co. play “Banned in D.C.” and “Sailin’ On” as much as the next guy, but I would give my right arm and firstborn son to hear H.R. and Lil Jon have a five-minute conversation with one another, let alone collaborate on what I have no qualms calling the most important thing of the 21st century.
I ask: What amount of money will it take to make this happen? What drugs will it take to make this happen? I will give myself up to the cause. I will get the lowest anyone has ever gotten. I will love Jah. I will burn myself at the stake so long as the last thing I hear before I shuffle off this mortal coil is Lil Jon, drunk out of his mind, screaming his lungs out with Bad Brains.
If you would like to join my church and testify, you may do so at one of these upcoming crunk-free (comparatively) Bad Brains performances: