Scene: The Battles family home. Ian, the dad, is trying to read his paper, but he's having trouble -- his kids, John and Dave, are fighting!
John: Quit it!
Dave: Quit it!
John: Quit it!
Dave: Quit it!
Ian: Why don't ya both quit it! [Laughter. John and Dave both look at Ian with big puppy dog eyes.]
Ian: Aw, I can't stay mad at you two! [They climb into his lap. Just then, Tyondai walks in with the groceries. Applause.]
Tyondai: Hi honey, I'm home!
John and Dave: Mom!! [They climb off their dad and leap at Tyondai. Ian mugs at the camera, as if to say: What's a guy to do?]
Tyondai: Honey, I was thinking... Seeing as we're releasing a new album and everything, why don't we extend that tour? Just a little bit?
Ian: Didn't we tour last year? [Laughter]
Tyondai: Oh, yes, but there are soooo many places I want to see in Europe! Places with romance! Adventure! Places like Bielefeld! Sheffield! Birmingham! [Laughter]
Ian: I don't know... It all sounds expensive.
Tyondai: Would a bottle of your favorite cooking sherry help change your mind? [He pulls a bottle, wrapped in brown paper, out of his grocery bag. Ian's face lights up.]
Ian: Oh, all right then.
John and Dave: Hooray! A tour! A tour!
Tyondai: I love you, darling.
Ian: I love you, too. [They kiss.] Just let me get my shoes. [He puts them on.] Alright, who put shaving foam in my shoes? [Uproarious laughter. John and Dave look innocent. Ian mugs at the camera, as if to say: What's a guy to do?]
Alan Finnius Morrissey, star of stage and wet dreams, will tour the U.S. for the first time in three years starting this spring. It will be an extended tour, with nearly 50 stops planned on the three-month outing, which means he'll probably at least be within road-tripping distance for everybody, OMG. All dates will be supported by KRISTEENYOUNG, the same Clockwork Orange-looking girl who backed Morrissey on last year's Ringleader of the Tormentors world tour. Get out there and hear some songs about boys and girls and the YMCA and candles and shit, like, live.
Here are the dates and the bands I wish were opening for Morrissey:
Every morning my mom laces up her Nikes and goes for a 45-minute jog. She is determined, and to her, running is one step below religious. Every morning, my mom also logs onto Tiny Mix Tapes to check out the latest music news. So, between trips in the minivan to this practice or that and preparing microwavable lasagna, she usually can be heard cranking out the latest Yellow Swans release or Pavement re-release.
Friday nights find her wearing Kangol hatwear and Timberlands on her feet. She claims driving an MVP is okay because the Wu-Tang rap about them. She has exhausted my whole collection of backpacker hip-hop and New York noise albums on her morning runs, so I wasn’t at all surprised to find her downloading The Crystal Method and LCD Soundsystem’s exclusive mixes for the Nike+iPod mix series. After a week, though, she came to me. “Peter, I need more. I want something with balls. Whatever can I do?” Luckily for her, Nike has just released a new 45-minute cut from everyone’s favorite white rapper, Aesop Rock. The third in the “Nike+Original Run” series is available exclusively at the Nike Sports Music Store and the iTunes Store.
When asked why A-Rock decided to sell-out, he said, “I wanted to create something that evolved enough that the sound was constantly fresh and attractive, as if the runner were moving through a set of differing cities or landscapes.” And whatever this means: “There had to be a new element every 30 seconds or so [a new riff, a new layer, a new drum pattern] as other elements faded into the distance. Basically, I had to keep the scenery shifting while maintaining the 'push.' Setting this as my goal allowed me to dabble in some sounds that I had never tried before."
This particular scribe would like to be serious for a moment. The writers here at Tiny Mix Tapes periodically enjoy a hearty guffaw, and we try our best to keep the proceedings lighthearted. Occasionally our jabs strike too low, but we're unapologetic. Well, this writer is, anyway. This furor, of course, is related to a story currently being written about a coalition of musicians who plan to "Rock the Net," or, more realistically, speak out in support of Net Neutrality. Let me share some choice comments we're expecting over what may result in a promenade down hilarity lane:
"fuk offf slutz ,net neutrality is lame"
"wut t3h fuk is net newtralty???//??"
"Quite frankly, I feel the previous commenter's use of Oh My God, What the Fuck, Barbecue a little offensive. And rude."
The second comment is somewhat relevant. Just what the fuck is net neutrality? Pull up a chair, junior, let me tell you a story. Currently, the internet is set up so that everyone's on the same playing field. Wal-Mart's website, for example, works just the same as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's. That open structure is the beauty of it. But there has been a recent surge in lobby groups attempting to make the internet ‘tiered,' so that you can pay for better service. Doing so would require making the internet's underlying protocol "intelligent," even though it's been working just fine for nearly 17 years with the IQ of a peanut. The way it works right now, one piece of data, or ‘packet,' is no different than the next. Making the protocol intelligent makes currently useless ‘nodes' more desirable for exploitation because they can actually control traffic. It's a vicious circle. And Ted Leo wants to stop it -- well, he and 300 other artists and labels like Calexico, Del Tha Funky Homosapien, Bloodshot Records, The Locust, Merge Records, The Kronos Quartet, and that group with the guy who lost his religion... and had a thing for shiny, happy people.
Together, the musicians plan to help Edward Markey (D-Mass) show Congress how net neutrality has allowed web businesses to thrive. Beyond the implications on independent music, a divided internet would stifle creativity, limit new opportunities, and destroy the freedom that made it possible in the first place. That and Ted Stevens still needs somewhere to dump his internet off with his big truck.
I accompanied Percival upstairs. He was clearly despondent. But when I pleaded that I could change my ways and that I would cease giving the empty promises he had rightfully come to expect from me, he could not help but ask, again and again, “Will you ever come up with a clever title for one of your news stories? Truly?” As the pall of gloom enveloped us, we knew the real answer. The Clientele to tour North America in support of their new album God Save The Clientele.
The British are coming! The British are coming! Valiant messengers have carried this very promise (or warning) in regard to the latest and greatest music phenomena almost since the day of Paul Revere's fateful midnight ride. The British are always coming, but the ones that we tend to hear most about are those who arrive with full-throttle, readymade media blitzes in tow. Must all visiting Brit stars landing on North American shores have to resort to airing personal crises and "telling it like it is" to garner attention (are you reading this, Amy Winehouse?) or announcing their mere arrival and conquering mission with a clarion call of bling and bravado (hello David Beckham and your wife/lapdog)? Can't we just hear the music or see you play and make up our minds upon that and that alone?
The smooth London Town operators in The Clientele have made the pilgrimage across the Atlantic many times in their own quiet, inimitable style. The band is as inoffensive as your grandmother pushing a desert plate of butter tarts and 'nilla wafers across the table, while you're schooling her at Yahtzee -- but we wouldn't have it any other way. Catch one of the following shows and "zing!" will go the strings of your heart
04.12.07 - London, England - Hoxton Square Bar
04.18.07 - Madrid, Spain - Siroco $
05.06.07 - Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell's #
05.07.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's #
05.08.07 - Washington, DC - Black Cat #
05.09.07 - Charlottesville, NC - Satellite Ballroom #
05.10.07 - Carrboro, NC - Cat's Cradle #
05.11.07 - Charleston, SC - Map Room #
05.12.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl #
05.13.07 - Nashville, TN - The Basement #
05.14.07 - Memphis, TN - Hi Tone #
05.16.07 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon #
05.17.07 - Houston, TX - Walter's on Washington #
05.18.07 - Denton, TX - Hailey's #
05.19.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's Lounge #
05.21.07 - Tempe, AZ - Modified #
05.22.07 - San Diego, CA - Casbah #
05.24.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Knitting Factory #
05.25.07 - Visalia, CA - Howie & Sons Pizza & Beer Parlor #
05.26.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
05.27.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir #
05.28.07 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Café #
05.31.07 - Minneapolis, MN - 400 Bar #
06.01.07 - Madison WI - High Noon #
06.02.07 - Chicago, IL - Subterranean #
06.03.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick #
06.04.07 - Toronto, Ontario - El Mocambo #
06.06.07 - Montréal, Quebec - Club Lambi #
06.08.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom #
06.09.07 - Boston, MA - Museum of Fine Arts #
$ Alasdair Maclean solo w/Darren Hayman (Hefner)
# w/Beach House
Merge Records will be taking a small break from filling Neon Bible orders to release the new Clientele album, God Save The Clientele, on May 8. It was produced by Marky Nevers of Lambchop and features arrangements by the incredible string thing Louis Philippe. And because the group caved and disbanded its Lil' Rascals-esque He-Man Woman Haters Club, it will be the first Clientele record to feature new female member Mel Draisey. A couple of new songs can be heard here.
The Clientele have recorded a cover version of “Orpheus Beach” by The Go-Betweens that will appear on an upcoming tribute album (Love Goes On! A Tribute to Grant McLennan and The Go-Betweens) coming out on Rare Victory. The album will also include contributions from Portastatic, Trembling Blue Stars, and a host of indie schmindie heroes.
God Save The Clientele. O-taaaay!!!
1. Here Comes the Phantom
2. I Hope I Know You
3. Isn't Life Strange?
4. The Dance of the Hours
5. From Brighton Beach to Santa Monica
6. Winter on Victoria Street
7. The Queen of Seville
8. These Days Nothing but Sunshine
9. Somebody Changed
10. No Dreams Last Night
11. Carnival on 7th Street
12. Bookshop Casanova
13. The Garden at Night
14. Dreams of Leaving
As charming as it is to wonder whether that grating noise you're hearing while riding public transportation is the sound of gears coming loose or the latest 50 Cent ringtone, it seems that cell phone bling just ain't as hip these days. BMI has released projections for ringtone sales in the U.S. for 2007 (at long last!!), and word on the street is that the ringtone market will slip to $550 million, down nearly $50 million from last year.
Now, there're a few salient questions I have in regard to this startling discovery. First of all, do you know what I would do with $550 million in cash? I would wrap it all up tightly and hammer it into the shape of a bed, and then I would sleep in it for three blissful months. Secondly, what would $550 million worth of ringtones sound like if they were all played at once? The answer is something Prurient is currently working on.
Does this mean the end of obnoxious cell phone gimmicks? Are we as a nation moving on to more thoughtful and lasting uses for our money? Richard Conlon, Vice Prez of New Media and Strategic Development at BMI, remains optimistic: "We envision increased revenue opportunity in the streaming sectors of the mobile entertainment market, ranging from ringtones to audiovisual cellular phone TV-style offerings."
Mount Eerie, Casiotone For The Painfully Alone Set To Play Toronto’s Over The Top Festival (For Real This Time, Honest)
Don't you just hate it when perfectly good music magazines make up ridiculous festival lineups, then post their ludicrous claims on the internet? I know! Me too! Well, just for the record, the lovely lads in the lovely Casiotone For The Painfully Alone and the 20-piece orchestra that is Mount Eerie are really set to play at a Toronto's Over The Top Festival, which is happening this year on May 3 - 6. (Scout's honor!)
The festival, which is in its sixth year of operation, will also see performances from such TMT favorites as Michael Gira and Neutral Milk Hotel... no wait, that was a joke; please rescind that last mention. Other performers scheduled to appear (for real this time) are: Daniel Johnston, Matt & Kim, Julie Doiron, Our Brother The Native, Genghis Tron, Yah Mos Def (perhaps my favorite band name on the bill), and Pit Er Pat.
The CBC Radio 3-sponsored event will also feature some live performance art (such as the fascinatingly titled Giant Killer Shark: The Musical) and independent films, such as Jandek - A Duality of Self, Before The Music Dies, and The Guatemalan Handshake. If you're in Toronto, you should consider going! Chances are reasonably good that the festival will be better than reading an April Fool's Joke on an online music magazine.
UPDATE: Sorry everyone, but it looks like Tiny Mix Fest 2007 is not happening anymore. Weirdest thing: all the artists simultaneously dropped out because they realized TMT is full of irresponsible journalists! Okay, enough with the jokes. Truth is, as many of you already know, the fake fest was actually an early April Fool's joke. Thanks everyone for your gracious humor (including the artists who were in on the joke with us), and we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this might've caused, especially to those of you who had to answer e-mails on our behalf. Although we wish we could blame the holiday, we take full responsibility for our actions. Who knows, maybe if stop fucking around, we'll get a real fest going. Anyway, thanks for reading, and we'll be back Monday with more irresponsible journalism.
Oh, and here's that -- ahem -- "exclusive" NMH track.
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Greetings, TMT readers! We are excited to bring you Tiny Mix Fest, the first event ever sponsored by this piece of the internet. You may have heard about it from other sources beforehand, like this one, for example. I just want to thank Phil personally for making such a cute joke about our abbreviation and the ninja turtles. YEAH WE HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE THANKS.
You're reading the poster right now, I'm sure, and yes, your Cheerios should be everywhere. The mighty Neutral Milk Hotel, the most indie-celebrated band of the past decade, is reforming to play one of the two days of TMFest in what Jeff has promised will be a one-off gig. (No opening for Pixies on a West Coast trip anytime soon, thank goodness!) We have the date with the Hotelers set, but the other day is being negotiated (read: arm-wrestled for) with the esteemed Triple Rock Social Club in lovely Minneapolis, hence the vague "August 2007" date. Maybe we will just decide to jam the whole month?
And jamming is not all that will be at TMFest. We will have a used book swap, a Slip 'n' Slide (well, Mr P lives a few minutes away, and I'm setting it up in his yard), and Mango Starr. Oh, and merch. You guys love merch, amirite?
Once we announce the dates, tickets will be on sale through Ticketweb. We hope to see you there! One-day passes are $30 each, and two-day passes are $50. We have been putting this together for a while now, and we gotta thank all the killer artists for signing on to what is sure to be one stupid, stupid party. (And no thanks to Jackson Browne for completely blowing us off. Dude must not read his e-mail.)
Oh, and the festival theme?? BALLOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not really, but bring balloons, please. For me.
ONE MORE THING: Stay tuned later today (hopefully around noon) for an exclusive clip of NMH rehearsing. We just have to figure out how to put an MP3 player on this thing.
Brightblack Morning Light and Matador Continue Offsetting CO2, Must Believe in Global Warming Theory or Something
Spacey (like the sky, man) rockers Brightblack Morning Light, known for their activism, are sure making their left constituents proud lately. For example, there was that "No U.S. Military entities in any form allowed within the event" request in their tour rider. However, this turned out to be a mistake made by their record label, Matador Records; the band actually meant, "No military recruitment for the U.S. Government may be held on site." Sean Hannity did not see the difference.
Now Brightblack Morning Light are trying to help the environment. How, you might ask? By partnering with Matador and TerraPass to offset CO2 emissions from their upcoming Winter Crystal Totem Turr tour. And not just the band's emissions, but also those of fans going to and from the shows, as well as the electricity used to power said shows. That is an estimated 30,000 lbs of CO2 emissions. According to Matador, the "goal is to offset every single ounce."
Here's the deal: every time someone (or something) makes a purchase at Matador's webstore, the label will purchase 50 lbs of CO2 from TerraPass. TerraPass, in return, will match 10% of Matador's contribution. As of March 22, 6,550 lbs of carbon have been offset (see meter to the left).
I, personally, run on hot air and have suddenly run out of steam.
04.17.07 - Denton, TX - Hailey's
04.18.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's
04.19.07 - Houston, TX - Mink
04.20.07 - New Orleans, LA - One Eyed Jacks
04.22.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
04.23.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl
04.25.07 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
04.26.07 - Bloomington, IN - Landlocked Music
04.27.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
04.30.07 - Buffalo, NY - Soundlab
05.02.07 - Middletown, CT - Eclectic House
05.04.07 - Annandale-on-Hudson, NY - Bard College
05.05.07 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge
05.06.07 - Brooklyn, NY - Southpaw
05.09.07 - South Burlington, VT - Higher Ground
05.20.07 - Somerset, England - Butlins Minehead (ATP vs. the Fans)
TMT proudly presents Reason #45539202 for The Hold Steady to never tire of those Springsteen cracks!
According to a reliable source, The Hold Steady will be sharing the stage with the likes of M. Ward, Pete Yorn, Badly Drawn Boy, and Babyface (!?) to pay their respects to the Boss himself at the ultra-glam Carnegie Hall in New York City on April 5. Proceeds will benefit the UJA-Federation of NY Initiative Program to Support Music Education for Underprivileged Young People. You heard it here first! The Hold Steady clean up pretty nice AND throw down for the community. No word yet on whether or not I’ll pull a Courtney Cox during “Dancing in the Dark.”