I don’t have the internet. Yeah, no internet. It has been this way for quite some time too. Apparently the lovely people at RCN would rather not be paid. Anyway, there are 23 wireless networks in my apartment building, and yet not a single one is without a password. I have just been arbitrarily typing passwords into them with no success. Outside of the fact that this keeps me from my daily routine of posting inflammatory comments on video game message boards about how the Wii is the superior video game console due to the intuitive nature of its controller, it also keeps me from being able to actually add any facts into this news piece. So, here are some references that might be funny in context...
1. Welcome Back Kotter
a) Horshack (SEE! I don’t even know if that is spelled correctly due to the lack of Wikipedia)
b) A potential crossover series where Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell runs Buchanan High
i) The hilarity that could perspective ensue
i) “Up your nose with a rubber hose” and other rhyming body parts/gardening implements
I actually may reuse this at a later time. Get psyched.
2. Corey Matthews
3. The Disney Channel Original series Hannah Montana
a) The fact the Hannah’s brother “Jackson” is apparently played by a 30-year-old man (again, the lack of internet keeps me from citing this)
OH MY GOD. NEW NETWORK OPENED. THE PASSWORD IS "PASSWORD."
THANK YOU “APT 815” for your wireless internet.
You’ve got to be kidding... Okay, while there is a signal, there is no actual connection to the internet. I’m beside myself.
b) The unclear nature of the character “Robbie Ray” who has a murky background that alludes to him being a rock star but never directly states if he IS Billy Ray Cyrus.
i) Billy Ray Cyrus being on a television show in the year 2007
4. Anti-Flag’s entire discography
a) Die For Your Government, in particular
I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I CAN GET ONTO THIS NETWORK, BUT THERES NO INTERNET CONNECTION. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE
a) CIA agents not being allowed to purchase FurbiesÂ® out of fear that they would record secrets and send them to… the Russians?
i) I may have made this one up
ii) The Cold War
6. IMDB Forum
7. The rapidly changing characters in High School Music 2
8. The Adventures Of Pete and Pete
b) Artie, the strongest man. IN THE WORLD!
i) Is he at all happy with his life
This is another thing I hate about not having the internet. I have a propensity for making jokes at the expensive of dead/incarcerated people, and I need to fact-check them before I submit... but without the internet, this is impossible. For all I know, Artie, the strongest man IN THE WORLD!, befell a tragic end and was written out of the show.
9. Summer Sanders
10. Costco, in general
a) The white-chocolate Capitol Buildings for sale, in specific
11. The bread from Trader Joe’s, which is covered in bible quotes.
a) Yeah, it exists
12. The Houston Oilers
a) Warren Moon
13. Kirby Puckett & Billy Blanks
Yup, good story, went to a Starbucks to steal wi-fi and send this.
OH internet, how I have missed you. Okay. Um.
The Most Serene Republic is touring.
They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew! OMG what RELEVANT content!
FACT: Spencer Krug has been detained by the U.S. government before.
FACT: Spencer Krug is a fucking badass.
OPINION: Spencer Krug should totally give up on Sunset Rubdown and work on Wolf Parade full-time.
FACT: The new Sunset Rubdown album is called Random Spirit Lover.
FACT: I like Sunset Rubdown.
FACT: I like Wolf Parade more.
OPINION: I think chai tea with milk is the best.
RUMOR: Wolf Parade should have a new LP out by the end of this year.
FACT: Sunset Rubdown's newest LP will drop on October 9.
FACT: If Chuck Norris and Spencer Krug got in a fight, Krug would kick his ass while simultaneously playing three different songs from Wolf Parade, Sunset Rubdown, and Frog Eyes.
FACT: The tourdates below will get you close to Spencer Krug's junk. Promise.
* Black Mountain, Oakley Hall + Lightning Dust
# Johnny and the Moon and Magic Weapon
BMI Promises a Pay Day Full of Nuts When Distributing $732 Million in Royalties; Music Industry Heading Toward Licensing
Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI) has announced that it will distribute more than $732 million in royalties for the 2006-2007 fiscal year to its (presumably) starving songwriters, copyright owners, and composers. This is an astonishing 8% increase since last year. BMI is giving "madd props" and attributing the rise to its robust music catalog, the successful licensing of music with a wide range of media, revenue growth in foreign markets, and corporate whores like will.i.am.
Revenues from various media sources, including cable, video services, and satellite audio, grew by $11 million, and revenue from restaurant, retail, and service establishments grew to more than $93 million. The overall estimate of record-setting revenues was over $839 million. This is a milestone for BMI, as these increases in revenue represent the highest annual revenues and royal distributions ever reported by a performing rights society.
So, I formally tip my hat to you, BMI, king of all kings. If it wasn't for your assimilation into the music world's current viral state, many of us would not have been accustomed to such musical honesty as that of will.i.am.
An excerpt from will.i.am's partially misogynistic hit, "I Got It From My Mama":
And if the girl real pretty,
Nine times out of ten,
She pretty like her mama.
And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gon' be ugly like her mama.
Truer words have never been spoken. will.i.am. is like the Henry David Thoreau of our times, and BMI is like the family pencil factory that Thoreau worked at. And if that makes Fergie the current Ralph Waldo Emerson, then I would be obliged to say that we are in good hands. Cheers to you, BMI. Thanks for making 2007 "the year of years."
What does the phrase AIDS Wolf mean, anyway?
Are these guys silk-screeners or musicians? Pick a career and stick with it, I say.
It doesn't even seem like they're playing songs; what's the point of even picking up your instruments if you're just going to play music that hurts my ears? AIDS Wolf will never make a cent playing music like that!
What's the point of even starting a band, AIDS Wolf?
How much of AIDS Wolf's success is due to their packaging and image?
Does AIDS Wolf support the resignation of Senator Larry Craig?
One of the guys in AIDS Wolf wears glasses. Should I wear glasses?
Does AIDS Wolf want to hang out this weekend?
What's it mean if I find myself slowly switching from beer to hard alcohol?
If I come home and would rather think about AIDS Wolf instead of talking to my loved ones, should I be alarmed?
I haven't been sleeping that well lately, AIDS Wolf.
Does AIDS Wolf want a drink?
Is there anything I can do for AIDS Wolf?
09.16.07 - Ottawa, ON -.Zaphod's Beeblebrox w/ Smoke Judo $
09.17.07 - Toronto, ON -.Sneaky Dee's w/ Etaoin Shrdlu $
10.06.07 - Montreal, QC - Pop Montreal (Panache/Lovepump Showcase)
10.14.07 - Montreal, QC - Divan Orange *
10.15.07 - Quebec City, QC - Le Bal du Lezard *
10.16.07 - Halifax, NS - The Seahorse *
10.17.07 - Sackville, NB -.Mount Allison *
10.18.07 - Portland, ME - Geno's
10.19.07 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory #
10.21.07 - Annandale-on-Hudson, NY - Bard College *
10.22.07 - Albany, NY- Valentines w/ Bunnybrains
10.23.07 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College
10.24.07 - Hartford, CT - Charter Oak Center *
10.25.07 - Poughkeepsie, NY - Vassar College *
10.26.07 - Jamaica Plain, MA - The Milky Way *
10.27.07 - Providence, RI - As220 *, Made In Mexico
10.28.07 - Philadelphia, PA - COPY Gallery *
10.30.07 - Washington, DC - Velvet Lounge *
10.31.07 - Brooklyn, NY - Todd P NYC *
11.01.07 - Richd, VA - Nara Sushi
11.02.07 - Columbia, SC - House Party
11.03.07 - Tampa, FL - Skatepark of Tampa w/ Yip Yip
11.04.07 - Orlando, FL - BackBooth w/ Yip Yip
11.06.07 - Atlanta, GA - Lenny's Bar
11.07.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
11.08.07 - New Orleans, LA - Circle Bar
11.09.07 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon
11.10.07 - Austin, TX - Emos w/ Monotonix, Young Widows
11.11.07 - Dallas, TX - All Public Trust (the new art prostitute) !
11.12.07 - Lubbock, TX - Jakes Backroom
11.13.07 - Las Cruces, NM - The Farm w/ Monotonix
11.14.07 - Phoenix, AZ - The Modified w/ Monotonix
11.16.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Smell %
11.17.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of The Hill w/ No Doctors, HEALTH
11.18.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand w/ Monotonix, %
11.20.07 - Davis, CA -. Delta of Venus %
11.21.07 - Eureka, CA - Accident Gallery
11.23.07 - Portland, OR - Satyricon w/ Night Wounds, Get Hustle
11.24.07 - Vancouver, BC - La Casa Del Artista
11.25.07 - Seattle, WA - Comet Tavern
11.26.07 - Missoula, MT - Badlander
11.29.07 - St. Paul, MN - Turf Club
11.30.07 - East Moline, IL - Mixtapes
12.01.07 - Chicago, Il - Reggies Live
*Old Time Relijun
! Undoing of David Wright, Church of the Snake, El Paso Hot Button
# CMJ Showcase w/ RUINS, Old Time Relijun, PRE, Shellshag, Yip Yip, DMBQ, Final Flu, HEALTH, Monotonix
!!! (or chk chk chk) are a damn sexy band. And the best part? Hardly any "normal" people know who the hell they are or even how to say their name. So for simpletons with lofty ambitions of quick feet, bumping and grinding, they're the ultimate enablers. By no fault of their own, the New York City group has become the dance-punk name-drop of the moment, as The Rapture flounder and LCD Soundsystem bursts through the stratosphere. Trying to impress one of those "party" girls who might normally scoff at your pasty skin, timid demeanor and fragile frame? Just watch in awe as they can hardly contain themselves as soon as you drop some knowledge about your "all-time favorite band."
It might go a little something like this:
Pasty, Timid, Fragile Reader: Great party, eh?
Out-of-Your-League Person: OMG, I know! Don't you just love "Ay Bay Bay"? I could dance to this all night...
PTFR: Oh, is that what's playing? This isn't really my style... I usually stick with !!! and the like.
OOYLP: Excuse me? Are those real words?
PTFR: Actually, no. !!! are a band from New York City by way of Sacramento that plays pulsing and dynamic dance music. Their name is pronounced "chk chk chk" or any other combination of percussive noises, but when written out, it's spelled !!!. Edgy, right?
OOYLP: Tell me more; you're making me hot.
PTFR: Well, they're actually heading out on a tour later this month, hitting up all kinds of venues around the United States and a date in Canada. They're supporting their latest album, Myth Takes (TMT Review).
OOYLP: Oh, baby.
PTFR: Some of the songs groove so hard that you just need another body up against you.
OOYLP: Damn... do you wanna go upstairs?
It'd love to describe what happens at this point, but since this is a family-friendly site, I'm going to have to leave the rest up to your imagination. But let me just say that Myth Takes has some sexy grooves. When they come through your town, maybe you'll have someone to rub up against instead of awkwardly eyeing that stranger next to you in the front row. The bottom line? Flex this kind of tasteful prowess, and you'll be buying two tickets instead of one faster than you can say "Me And Giuliani Down By The Schoolyard (A True Story)."
Bring! A! Date!:
Billy Blanks*, the inventor of Tae Bo and an influence on a national exercise fad of little-known rip-offs, is teaming up with Spank Rock on a new project. 2006's "colour/rock/rap/punk confusion" men-of-the-year Naeem Juwan and producer Alex Epton of Spank Rock have joined hands with the late-'90s exercise sensation (Billy Blanks, dude) to drop a new EP about losin' weight, gettin' drunk,' and poon ("dick" too!). Which, actually, go hand-in-hand, so it's about time someone released a beat-oriented rumination on weight-loss, alcohol consumption, and sex.
The new EP is called Beggars & Cash. MySpace will be debuting each track weekly starting September 6, culminating in an official release October 9. Not confident that Spank Rock can make great music? Just check out Fillmore's review of Spank Rock's debut album, YoYoYoYoYo here.... See, told you!
Here is the MySpace release schedule for the tracks:
September 6: "Shake That"
Septmber 13: "BOOTAY"
September 20: "Loose"
September 27: "Bitch"
* Apparently, Spank Rock isn't collaborating with Billy Blanks. He has been replaced last minute with Benny Blanco. Sorry for the mix up. Basically, the new EP is some mad tracks from producer Benny Blanco using samples from 2 Live Crew's catalog and some crazy vocal spitting by Spank Rock's Naeem Juwan. I have to admit, though, I would shake the fat right off my ass if Billy Blanks released Spank Rock exercise DVDs.
Morrissey to Tour For the Last Time in the “Foreseeable Future”; Robert Smith Cackles from Under a Bush
Moz: master of the pompadour and the sweet lamenting croon, but thankfully NOT of the “Hey let’s reunite even though we hate each other’s fucking guts, I’ll just do enough drugs with all this cash to not care” bandwagon that so many of our dearly non-departed '80s favorites have leaped upon, ripping their spandex in the process. Plenty of promoters sleazed around our boy in hopes of tempting him to get in on the action, but there will be no shows from The Smiths anytime soon. So sorry. You may go see The Cure if you wish. (I’m not so sure if I wish, but I am admittedly partial to Morrissey’s superior skills in hairstyling.)
HOWEVER! If you would like to gaze deeply into Mr. Moz’s limpid pools of angst and heartbreak without those pesky Smiths, please relocate to one of the cities listed below on the appropriate date. These venues have been specially chosen on account of their being “small and intimate,” according to a press release, “where Morrissey can see the eyes of everyone in the audience and those in attendance can be in the thick of it.” Whoa, looks like homeboy’s finally realizing the unfair amount of eyesex he’s been racking up all these years... I guess it’s time to give back.
Washed-Up Reunion Tours Give Moz a Thorn In His Side*:
*all dates with Kristeen Young
[Photo: Fabio Lovino]
Iggy Pop recently said “Like the guy in Psycho, voices tell me hello.” Now, these same voices have told me to inform you about a new Iggy Pop live CD.
This has been one mommapoopa of a year for Iggy Pop. First of all, who can forget the unparalleled triumph that was The Stooges reunion album? I don’t know about you, but I had been waiting for what seemed like my whole fucking pathetic life for someone, anyone to write a song about getting some cash out of an ATM machine. But Iggy, man, Iggy did it! And that line about his dick getting hard like a tree or something, and that line about the beer in England being warm, and that line about stinky French cheese -- man, fucking genius, like this never grows old.
In an apparent attempt to capitalize on the globe-pulping success of that album, you lucky bastards are soon gonna be able to pick up a live recording from the year that’s unanimously acknowledged to have been the most fertile of Pop’s career -- well, prior to this year. Naturally, I’m speaking of 1981, the apex of the fabled “Arista Years.” This beauty is entitled Live In San Fran 1981 and is being unleashed by MVD Entertainment Group September 18. The band includes Blondie drummer Clem Burke and former Bowie guitarist/future Toronto Blue Jays second baseman Roberto Alomar on git, and most of the killer cuts from Iggy’s stone-cold 1981 classic Party are on here. You may also remember Party as being housed in the most totally rad artwork of the Pop’s long career. And -- as if that wasn’t enough -- the disc also contains two previously unreleased tracks from a fabled 1983 session Iggy recorded with the famously unattractive Ric Ocasek at the controls. Recordings of this session, commonly referred to by Iggy fans as “The Unheralded, Largely Forgotten and Almost Certainly Insanely Overproduced Session,” have long been coveted by pretty much next to no one.
Not as if the tracklist matters with a purchase this essential, but whatever:
Techmology is definitely killing your love of music. Don't believe me? Well, does this scenario look familiar?
First, you download the latest pre-release leak. Second, you start to listen to it after somewhere between 1 and 1000 minutes -- do people even try something like this with dial-up? -- and begin to have thoughts along these lines:
Track 1 - Wow, they've still got it.
Track 2 - Man, this one is even better.
Track 3 - A slow song? Meh.
Track 4 - Boring, I already heard this one on their MySpace.
Track 5 - This sounds like a Fiddler on the Roof outtake, "If I Were A Bored Man."
Track 6 - What, another slow one? Damn.
The remaining handful of tracks on the album don't stimulate any further music-related thoughts, and your mind has started to drift. You start watching shit like this, that, and searching for theories as to why such a jolly guy would try to do this (honestly, if "Needle In The Hay" is playing, it doesn't matter how satisfied you are with life -- all bets are off) to himself, allegedly.
Just another example of how downloading can actually murder musical passion, turning you into a soft-skulled zombie, searching out things online that the lady with the big head will be talking about later on CNN.
So, what was the point of all this? Ha, if you think there is a point, this must be your first time reading TMT. Thanks for stopping by. Now grab your Lorgnettes and check out Beirut on tour, starting September 23. Oh, and don't forget that Beirut's newest record, Flying Club Cup (Ba Da Bing! Records), will be available as a CD, LP, digital download, or a set of Russian stacking dolls October 8.
% Wordless Music Series
FLASHBACK: A YEARBOOK MESSAGE TO EMILY HAINES:
Wow. Senior year. So many memories. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, thank you.
1) You looked, like, perfect at prom, you are like, so beautiful.
2) LOLZ @ the mall cutting class!!!!!
3) Smoking under the bleachers WOOOO!!!!
4) Broz before hoz.
5) I hope we play in not one, but two, wildly successful Canadian indie rock bands.
P.S. I’d love to meet up and jam, Em, and maybe test forthcoming material on the open road. If, say, we got together, did a band thing, and had material to present for our fourth album. That is, after we do three other albums. Wow. High school memories are way prophetic: