STORY: [4 across]-[6 across] are going on [5 down]. Their new album, [3 down] [1 down], was released back in [2 across]. Where the fuck's our review??
(Hover your cursor over the crossword for 5 seconds for the answers to this difficulty-level-5 puzzle.)
Two months ago on a plane to New York, I was leafing through the in-flight entertainment guide hoping a better movie would play on the trip back (success if you call Lucky You good, and if you do, then I strongly disagree). In the back of the guide were playlists for the in-flight radio stations. One station was called "The Buzz" and sported the oh-so-enticing tagline "Open your ears to uncharted musical territory!" I assumed American Airlines thinks uncharted musical territory is "Hey There Delilah" -- and it does -- so I was confused to discover Battles' "Atlas" on the same station. Well, confused is an understatement; I freaked out, and the cat sitting on the woman next to me started going crazy. Speaking of which, what was a fucking CAT doing on a plane? Anyway, I spent the rest of the five hours wondering if the average flyer would actually be compelled to purchase Battles' excellent debut Mirrored (TMT Review). My conclusion? Doubtful.
Look for the creepy guy who was sitting next to you in the hotel lobby:
Our clothes are soaking wet and nothing more than the sleeping bags we are carrying can warm us as we setup camp. We put the sleeping bags together and take off our clothing, pushing them to our feet, as we lay naked hugging each other for warmth.
We fall asleep around 4 A.M. and don't wake up until around noon. She wakes up, and I am still asleep. She kisses me passionately on the lips in order to wake me up. I awake nestled in her arms, looking into her beautiful eyes. Our clothes lay at our feet, still moist from the rain barrage that so vigorously poured on our bodies.
Our lips embrace as our hands massage a path wending down each other's bodies, grasping and exploring one another. The dilatory, lethargic grasp lasts only for a moment before she places her legs next to her hands, as I take her lap into mine, our skin meeting, her body rubbing against the tip of my member. She straddles my lap as I pull her even closer. Our tongues meet. Her eyes whisper passion and exultation at the sensations.
"Oh shit!!!" she exclaims.
"I forgot to tell you. Xiu Xiu just finished recording their new album! All I know right now is that it's coming out January 2008 on Kill Rock Stars."
"Uh ok..." I say as my boner shows signs of weakening.
"If you're at CMJ this year, you can check out the new album at the Kill Rock Stars showcase with Xiu Xiu, Marnie Stern, The Mary Timony Band, and Miko Miko. I think it's on Wednesday, October 17 at the Gramercy Theater, but don't quote me on that."
"Okay okay. Can't we talk about this later?"
"Oh, haha, sorry," she says nervously.
"Now, why don't you put some stank on me!?"
She gets this puzzled look on her face.
"Wait a sec... did you steal that line from Will & Grace?"
And that's when I pulled up my pants.
Oh my! Jens Lekman, creator of the highly lauded album Night Falls Over Kortedala, is set to go on tour throughout the United States. Check it out: even good ol' TMT writer Canino praised the album! So what's up with all this acclaim? Perhaps it's because Jens Lekman is going on tour just to bolster support for his disgust with shy, bashful types?? Yes, you read that right! Jens Lekman has an aversion to shy people! Just check out the lyrics to "It Was a Strange Time in My Life":
People seem to think a shy personality equals gifted
But if they would get to know one I'm sure that idea would have shifted
Most shy people I know are extremely boring
Either that or they are miserable from all the shit they've been storing.
As we all know, lyrics are always autobiographical and should be taken as true to heart. So, let us all voice our disapproval for those annoying shy friends of ours and catch Lekman shy-hatin' at one of the several tourdates across the great and wonderful United States. Yay!
# Throw Me The Statue
$ Solo Dates
Gibbard, His Shins, That Spoon You Ate Your Animal Collectivities With This Morning Are All on A Darfur Benefit Comp Together
If we had a contest for lamest headline, I bet I'd win. I mean, is that headline even grammatically correct? P? Is it?
Waxploitation have decided to do a Darfur benefit comp featuring rare and EXCLUSIVE tracks from Death Cab for Cutie, The Shins, Animal Collective, Spoon, Bright Eyes, The Cure, Bloc Party, The Black Keys, and more.
Now children, we all know about the Darfur conflict right? Well, click here if you want to read up.
Back? Good, now hopefully that convinced you to support this cause even more than simply the prospect of Ben Gibbard's nuts touching your copy of the comp. Of course, who doesn't love a little Ben Gibbard nut stank? Hell, have you seen his new website!? I hope he posts some nudes soon!
Anyway, the benefit comp is called Causes 1, and it comes out November 27 on iTunes for 90 days. Waxploitation is also releasing a limited-edition CD version, which will be available here.
Here are the trax, not in their final order:
I had a conversation with a friend this morning that went like this:
DUDE, GUESS WHAT?! (What?) Bob Mould is releasing a new album! (No way!) Yeah man! It's called District Line... (WHEN!?!) I was just about to tell you, until you interrupted. (Oh, whoops. Sorry.) It will be released on February 5, 2008. (Holy holy shit! But Mango, my friend, which label will it be released on?) You mean, "on which label will it be released?" (What do you mean?) Well, you shouldn't end sentences with prepositions. So, just stick "on" before "which." Try saying it again. (Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about.) That's because you're not a journalist. (I don't want to be.) Yeah you do. (How do you know?) Because everyone wants to be a journalist. We're awesome. So, say the sentence again, motherfucker. (So you call what you're doing on TMT "journalism"?) Yeah, so? (You people can't write worth shit. It's a bunch of wasted time, if you ask me. I like my news straight and to the point. You have like five fucking paragraphs about boners before one word about the artist which you're writing on.) There you go again. (What do you mean?) You meant "the artist on which you're writing." Say it correctly. (Oh, fuck off.)
What a tool, am I right readers? Anyway, Anti- is the label that District Line "will be released on." Pffffffffft. Fucking ridiculous.
In order to promote his upcoming full-length, Situation, scheduled for release October 30 on Strange Famous Records, Buck 65 has slotted some krrrazzzzzzy tourdates, mmmhmmm.
With Situation, Buck 65 chronicles events in 1957, some leading to the creation of an American underground. For example:
January 3: Hamilton Watch Company releases the first electronic watch
March 1: The Cat in the Hat is published
Kerouac has nothing on Doctahhh Seuss and Wikipedia; Buck 65 Tourdates:
# Sage Francis (release party)
The time is now, reader baby. Our jeans could maybe get a little slimmer.
Chin Up Chin Up is touring with The Ponys, and I say, before lacing up our fancy kicks, ruffling our enviable hairdos, and high-tailing it to a venue near us:
I’m talking chin-ups. So many chin-ups.
Not a joke.
Think back, reader baby. Remember gym class? Chin-ups on the grimy bar all the other 5th graders had gripped with their sweaty and clammy hands so your own (sweaty and clammy hands) would lose grip as your youthful chin pulled on up?
In elementary school, I could hold my chin up on that bar for, like, a good 11.5 seconds.
Now, reader baby sweetheart, I’d be lucky if I had enough upper body strength to:
1. Push a shopping cart into a stack of magazines down Aisle 5 with my oh-so-precious one and only lover, while understanding the difference between Miles and Coltrane, wearing grey sweatpants and no makeup, and being so perfect in the eyes of said lover
2. Give a good-old-fashioned hot n’ sudsy shampoo to Bret Michaels followed by a nimble-fingered French-braid
3. Beat Ananda Lewis in a bitch-slap
4. Grab a chocolate pie off of a windowsill faster than hungy-hungry Raven Simone*
5. Hold myself on a breaking tree branch over a lagoon of Jello made from Steven Tyler’s sweat
6. Balance the small, malnourished kid from Little Giants on my shoulders after the big win
7. Balance Rick Moranis’ character in Little Giants on my shoulders after the big win
8. Balance Rick Moranis’ shrunken-kids on my shoulders after (some yet-to-be identified) Honey, I Shrunk the Kids big win
9. Rub Conor O’s biceps down with IcyHot while suspended from a bungee cord
10. Carry groceries across the street for little old women
11. Save puppies
12. RAISE DA’ ROOF
14. Hand dance to “I think We’re Alone Now”
15. Arm wrestle Tiffany “New York” for a shot at a lick-happy make-out sesh with bumptious but loveable softy Chance
16. Slam dunk a b-ball with Aaron Carter and Shaq (as chronicled in “That’s How I Beat Shaq”)
17. Be jacked enough to be invited to “Aaron’s Party”
18. Or break up a fight at Aaron’s Party
19. And respond to the call of duty and alert Aaron that his parents have (OMFG) arrived
20. Oh My God, LIKE WTF, AARON
21. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING WHY WOULD THEY COME HOME SO EARLY, AC?
22. I thought Nick said he’d cover you
23. Or is he too busy macking that 13-year-old
24. Yeah, he is
25. DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT THEY HAVEN’T SEEN AUNT JANE IN FOREVER
26. GREAT NOW NICK IS LEAVING WITH HOWIE D., SOME BROTHER
27. NOW SHAQ’S GOING TO GET NAILED FOR SUPPLING DA’ DRINK
28. KAZAAM IS KA-OVER
29. THANKS TO YOU, YOU DIRTY FRENEMY
30. I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN BEAT SHAQ
Obviously, chin-ups would do so much good.
Boom, I put it in the Hoop Like Slam; Chin Up Chin Up Tourdates:
# The Thermals
$ The Ponys
*But to be fair, who could?
Everybody’s doin’ it. The All Tomorrow’s Parties-engineered “Don’t Look Back” concert series has it as its manifesto. Sonic Youth jumped into the fray large-style this year by playing Daydream Nation all over the place. Everyone relives their past glories at some point and everyone comes back in style (usually for a buck or two), so it should come as no surprise that legendary 1960s combo The Zombies will be playing two shows next year in London. I know what you’re thinking: “Yeah. So?” Well, what if I was to tell you that these shows, although ridiculously future-dated, are a two-night residency at Shepherds Bush Empire during which the band will celebrate the 40th anniversary of the release of its masterwork Odessey and Oracle by playing the album in its entirety? Did you just say, “Yeah. So?” You little $#!%s!
Well, I’m sure some octogenarians out there care. According to Colin Blunstone’s site, the band will kowtow to popular demand and give keen trainspotters and fans alike the old “play your album and play it in its entirety in proper running order without any tricks” routine. The band’s members have resisted to scratch that reunion itch up until now, having instead concentrated on their other projects since The Zombies’ heyday (golden-voiced singer Blunstone has enjoyed a long-running solo career and keyboardist Rod Argent had some sporadic success with his self-named band Argent, mostly with the huge hit “Hold Your Head Up”). As for the other Zombies, I’m not sure what they have been up to. Possibly living off the royalties of “Time of the Season,” “Tell Her No,” and “She’s Not There”? No matter. All living Zombies will reunite for two nights to play the classic album as well as other Zombies songs and some solo material.
03.07.08 - London, England - Shepherds Bush Empire
03.07.08 - London, England - Shepherds Bush Empire
A group who has already been there/done that as far as the reunion thing goes is Os Mutantes. The Brazilian psychedeli-tropicalista legends will release a double CD and DVD of their back-to-life, back-to-reality performance in London last year on November 13 through Luaka Bop. Here is the Live at Barbican Theatre tracklisting:
1. Don Quixote
2. Caminhante Noturno
3. Ave Gengis Khan
6. Cantor de mambo
7. El Justiciero
9. I'm Sorry Baby
10. Top Top
11. Dia 36
1. Fuga Nâ II
2. Le Premier Bonheur du Jour
3. Dois Mil e Um
4. Ave Lucifer
5. Balada do Louco
6. I Feel a Little Space Out
7. A Hora e a Vez do Cabelo Nascer
8. A Minha Menina
9. Bat Macumba
10. Panis et Circenses