Random Tiny Mix Tapes Quiz

Which character is dry roasted?

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

In episode 8F04, season three, this character earns employee-of-the-month by averting a nuclear meltdown.

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

Who once had a column on TMT giving free advice?

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

According to Zack, what are the three worst things that can happen to a kid?

A. Measles, mumps, and money

B. Measles, money, and marriage

C. Measles, mumps, and midterms

D. Measles, money, and mothers

After being shown a map of Brazil by Brazillian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, this character said "Wow! Brazil is big."

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

This character compared Napster to slavery and Soviet communism.

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

The One-Hundred Per-Cent Solution: John Wiese Is Everywhere You Want To Be

It has all the characteristics of a classic hard-boiled mystery novel: a robbery or murder (extra marks for setting it in a locked room in a remote country house); the single, eccentric but irresistible, hard-drinking, hard-loving gumshoe; a monkey-boy lackey doing grunt work or a mousey assistant who consistently solves the crime; the uptown slut who puts on airs and always seems to get laid despite looking like she's been ridden hard and put away wet; a mess o' bungling cops and a mess o' false and "least likely to" suspects. Maybe an unnecessary butler or two.

Actually it has very little of that. But that doesn't mean the life of incurable, mind-maiming recorder and performer John Wiese is any less convoluted than those found in the most ingenious of whodunits. But it is a dunit rather than a whodunit, by someone who does it more than others. When it comes to Wiese, maybe it is best to just throw the info out there and hope it sticks.

The most exciting news is the imminent release of Wiese's debut album, Soft Punk, on Troubleman Unlimited (when you click on this link be sure to check out the message/plea from Wolf Eyes' Nate Young). Wiese wrote us to say he has also been playing a lot with C. Spencer Yeh and hopes that some of that will see the light of day soon and has collaborated with the Japan-improv entity Pain Jerk for an upcoming Harbinger album. The reissue of Remote Whale Control by Sissy Spacek is out now on Misanthropic Agenda.

And there's live news, too. Wiese will be the perfect aural antidote to lovers of fancy-pants foppies when he hits the U.K. in April and May for dates with Yeh, Evan Parker, Tim Barnes, Yellow Swans, Metalux, John Edwards, and Culver. Look, I have nothing against the vast majority of British bands; I just don't see the need for some of them to dress up in a pantaloons-and-ascot combo or as a modern day "Artful Dodger" just to fetch the morning paper. He will then head to Israel at the suggestion of a recently-befriended BBC orchestra conductor to play a couple of shows where he will try to seek out Menahem Golan movies (true) and stalk Roni Superstar (possibly not true). I will only suggest the Golan rock/disco, sci-fi, "futuristic" (set in 1994!) musical The Apple... but I secretly hope he already owns it.

Of course Wiese will be at this year's No Fun Fest in Brooklyn on May 18, as Sissy Spacek. The mouth-watering four-day event has quickly become an annual rite of passage for outlaw fans to see an appallingly appealing crowd of characters, conflicts, causalities, complications, changes, crises, and closures (the "seven C's" to all would-be sleuth writers out there).

$ Honed Bastion, Logic Probe, and Fetal Distress

% Evan Parker, C. Spencer Yeh, Tim Barnes, Yellow Swans, Metalux, John Edwards, and Culver

^ as Sissy Spacek w/ Incapacitants, Carlos Giffoni, Raionbashi & Kutzkelina, Anti-Freedom, Mouthus + Axolotl, Grunt, Princess Dragonmon, and Charlie Draheim

The Secret Machines Loses Founding Member Benjamin Curtis

Founding member Benjamin Curtis has officially left The Secret Machines. Curtis played guitar and sang for the group since the beginning, so it's quite the shock to see him skedaddle just before the recording of the group's third album. His brother and now former bandmate Brandon Curtis made an announcement on The Secret Machine's official message board:

I am writing to make a couple of announcements. First of all I want to let everybody know that The Secret Machines have begun work on our third album. We expect to begin recording sometime in the beginning of May. Unfortunately, I also must share that after 7 and 1/2 years of playing music together Benjamin has decided to no longer be a part of the band. It is a sad day but also an exciting one as he prepares to focus full time on his new creative venture, School of Seven Bells. He has told me that he expects to be finished with a new record very soon as well as there being plans in the works to play some shows here in New York debuting the band. Of course Josh and I wish him all the best.

He doesn't spoil the surprise in the post, but TMT is happy to announce the exclusive info that he will now be the sixth member of Radiohead. Congrats, you're moving on up! In other news, I have a dentist appointment on April 24 and Radiohead will be headlining.

McDonald’s Adds Shellac’s New LP and Euro Tour to Dollar Menu

How does one place value on music, and what factors might contribute to our current valuation of music? Supply and demand? Entertainment value? Best Buy? Major labels? Independents? P2P networks? iTunes? Shit, actual material cost?? Who knows, man. Who knows. And who knows what influenced the mind of eBay user alexraraavis a couple weeks ago when the dude bought Shellac's famously rare, ultra-limited The Futurist for a whopping $1,118! DasalottaMcRibs!! Commodity fetishist or good investor? I don't know. What I do know is that if I didn't have to invest the TMT ad money in a new luxury car full of PORN, I would've outbidded Mr. alexraraavis.

Now, let me ask you a serious question: do you like The Stooges? In mid-April, Shellac will be playing a show with The Stooges at Chicago's Congress, which is why I asked if you like The Stooges. You should probably consider going if you like The Stooges, because if you like both Shellac and The Stooges, boy are you in for a treat, because liking both Shellac and The Stooges will truly make it a special night!! (Because you like both of Shellac and The Stooges.) Oh, and rumor has it that earlier in the same week, Touch and Go will finally release Shellac's fourth full-length, Excellent Italian Greyhound, which means you can sing/scream along to every word coming out of Albini's beautiful, slightly chapped lips if you pick it up before the show. (Word on the street is that this rumor is going to stay a rumor, so you're pretty much screwed.)

So, fuck dude, do you like The Stooges or what?

Photo: Calbee Booth

Wilco Unveils Sky Blue Sky By Flying the Friendly Skies

I remember when I first laid hands on A.M., and what a marvelous experience it was. As a teenager, I was *gasp* a member of BMG, or was it Columbia House? Anyway, that's not important. What is important is the hours I would spend not doing homework, choosing to weed through wafer-thin catalog after wafer-thin catalog looking to discover something different, which I suppose is hard since I was after all a member of a generic clearing house. However, one glorious day, the cover of Wilco's A.M. rose above the rest of the CDs, and a new fan was born. Subsequent Wilco releases were always met with much anticipation and eager money-dropping on release days. Oh, what splendid Tuesdays those were.

Imagine my glee (and that of a far greater, more diehard crop of fans who scare me a bit) to find out Wilco is blessing us with Sky Blue Sky, the band's first studio album since A Ghost is Born three years past. And while the band's message board fanatics warred about which songs would make the final cut and which ones were unworthy by citing recent live performances and bootlegs, Wilco pushed ahead, persevered, and have now delivered a bona fide tracklist.

It seems as if that's old news -- as if I'm missing something. Ah, Wilco previewed Sky Blue Sky Saturday night to an eager internet audience streaming the album in its entirety. If you missed your chance to hear the album or just didn't give a damn, you can make up for it if you fly to Australia and Europe with the band as they prepare to unleash the new batch of songs on an unsuspecting foreign audience. That is, after all, what this news bit is about. I'm here to do a little dance, make a little love, stall a bit, and then give you the info in such a rush that I will probably forget to even comple

Sky Blue Sky tracklist:

Warner Fakes Right, Darts Left, Lobs it Up… REJECTED!

Well, you can't fault WMG's determination. Late last week, EMI announced that it is yet again rejecting a takeover bid from Warner Music Group. Worth roughly $4.1 billion, the proposal was deemed "inadequte" and could lead to "prolonged regulatory uncertainty and unacceptable operational risk at a critical time for the company," said EMI in a statement.

What started off as a seemingly romantic novel between two star-crossed lovers has slowly revealed itself to be a comedy, as this latest rejection closes another hilarious chapter between WMG and EMI. Here's a preview of what to expect in the coming year:

"EMI remains focused on maximizing the performance of the business, including implementation of the restructuring program [read: layoffs] announced on January 12, 2007."

See, it just keeps getting funnier! C'mon, laugh with me! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! SOB SOB!! BOOHOO!! SOB SOB!! Aww.... what's the matter, sweetie? NOTHING!! Haha, I'm just kidding! HAHA! What!? JERK! I thought you were for serious! Nope! Haha, well, I guess that is kinda funny! HAHA! HAHA! Now put some stank on me!! Mmmm, mmm, smooch smooch, oh yeah, this is nice.. ooooh, mmmm, yes, yes... oh yeah... Whoa, WHAT WAS THAT? Huh? I didn't hear anything... C'mon, come back here... Well, okay, but I thought I heard something... Just kiss me fool... mmmm, mmmm... oh yeah, baby, smooch smooch, oh yeah... WAIT! Shhhhh... What? I heard something again... C'mon, it's nothing! Probably just an antelope. Now, c'mon, you're ruining the mood... No, really, I heard something this time. Oh jeez... now I'm not in the mood. Sorry... but I swear there's something out there. Whatever. No, really, I think there's something out there. Whatever. Well, sorry. You know, maybe I should just take you home. Really? Right now? Yeah... I'm tired anyway, and I should get back. Okay. You still want to hang out tomorrow though? Well, we'll see. I really need to get my apartment cleaned. Oh, well, I could help if you want. Naw, that's okay. I'll try to get it done early. I'll call you though once I get it finished. Okay, cool. Alright, I'll take you home now. Hey. Yeah? Are you mad at me? No. Promise? Yeah, no worries.

The Zincs To Bring Back Those Old Ventilation Blues Again

I knew a guy at a university who was heavily into "math rock." He also loved Bob Marley. I think he took Humanities or Communication or some other uselessness. He would get stoned and sit for hours on his couch watching TV or checking out something on his Fender Strat electronic specification printout on the wall. His nickname was "Daze" (I swear I couldn't make this shit up if I tried). On the other wall (his place only had two walls), there was a Periodic Table of the Elements. He took some pride in knowing a bit about the atomic numbers and weights on the table and asked you to quiz him on these every now and then. He was basically a knob who, in addition to offering Grade-A pot by the barrel, would spout what he thought were need-to-know facts about our friends on his Periodic poster. This quick learning session would invariably be followed by a scheme to use said element to get high. One of his favorites was about zinc. The brief conversation always went something like this:

Daze: Hey man [of course], did you know zinc isn't generally poisonous, but if you inhale ZnO you can get 'the oxide shakes' or 'zinc chills?'

Me: Oh?

Daze: Hey man, do you wanna maybe see if I can get my hands on some zinc…

At which point I would normally stand up and politely say, "Thanks for the times. I forgot I have somewhere to be…"

I'm not such a weak-kneed uni student anymore. When I'm jonesin' for zinc shakes, I get the purest form possible: The Zincs. Always go to source, that's what I say. The Zincs will be pushing Black Pompadour, their third album of handsome tunes with dark tongue, through the always reliable middle-man Thrill Jockey on March 20. Keep your windows closed while playing for optimum results, man.

RIAA Creates Website for College Kids to Pay Directly, One Step Away from RIAA Direct DepositTM

Slightly dismayed by negative reactions to their last college campus-focused anti-piracy campaign (though notably unashamed), the RIAA has decided to shift its message from warm legal reminders to passive-aggressive, sugar-coated death threats. While last time they swooped down on campuses with fun and colorful DVDs to throw away, this time they've created an ominous website where individuals facing lawsuits over file-sharing can skip past pesky arguments and send money to them directly, almost like PayPal if PayPal sustained itself solely on the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth. If these individuals choose to settle their suits through the RIAA's website within 20 days of being marked for slaughter, they can pay "at a discounted rate." Wow! I almost feel like getting sued myself, just so I can benefit from their generous savings.

RIAA President Cary Sherman said, "Because we know that some audiences -- particularly campus music downloaders -- can sometimes be impervious to even the most compelling educational messages or legal alternatives, these new efforts aim to help students recognize that the consequences for illegal downloading are more real than ever before." And he means real! You know how he was talking about copyright laws before, and it really sounded like he wasn't joking? He had that poker-face and was looking you directly in the eye and even sort of trembled like his own children had been affected, and you couldn't help but believe him? Remember that? Well forget it!! It's even realer than that! That was like 50% real, 50% imaginary, but now it's totally palpable, like maybe only 5% of it is still bullshit!

Along with the website, the RIAA also sent out 400 pre-litigation letters to 13 universities on Wednesday, so if you go to Arizona State University, Marshall University, North Carolina State University, North Dakota State University, Northern Illinois University, Ohio University, Syracuse University, the University of Massachusetts -- Amherst, the University of Nebraska -- Lincoln, the University of South Florida, the University of Southern California, the University of Tennessee -- Knoxville, or the University of Texas -- Austin, please remain seated and re-check your e-mails. If you go to all these universities, leave a note for Mom and just run out the front door, following the North star.

Mitch Bainwol, RIAA CEO, said, "We understand that no deterrence or education program will 'solve' piracy. Our job is to provide sufficient oxygen for the legal marketplace to show its true promise." Those around Bainwol at the time had no idea what he meant in his second sentence, but wrote it down and reported it anyway because they appreciate sentences that end with a "true promise."

You Give Sloth a Bad Name. (Rip Van) Cornelius Returns With First Album In Five Years

When master sound collagist Cornelius releases an album, it carries a shock similar to this douche getting his 7-day sobriety chip from AA. It has been a bit difficult for us to accept the lack of constant new material from Cornelius since he walked into our world and turned our lives upside down, but we have learned to accept it. After double-checking our daily activity logs (we have Cornelius on the same sort of monitoring system as Jim Carrey's character in The Truman Show, but we use it only for news stories when we're low), we noticed a blip one day and can now happily confirm a new album is on the way. See for yourself.

Cornelius' "Daily Doings" Logbook (such and such a date during some year):
12:31 - Wake up early.
12:34 - Think about going to the washroom. Decide to empty waste basket and use as urine receptacle instead.
12:37 - Pick up guitar and "noodle."
13:05 - Stare out window.
13:14 - Start cleaning sock drawer. Find half a cookie. Take bite.
14:20 - Finish sorting sock drawer.
14:36 - Sleep.
14:55 - "Noodle".
15:09 - Rest.
15:29 - Sleep.
16:06 - Wake up, take time to relax and ponder life's little mysteries, like, why does lemon juice stop an apple from turning brown and whether or not fat people are allowed to go skinny-dipping.
16:10 - Doze.
16:15 - Wake up, turn over in bed, flip through magazine. Namechecked in article in comparison to Kevin Shields' My Bloody Valentine production output.
16:20 - Get out of bed, walking downstairs to studio, write and record 12 songs for album, a few b-sides for upcoming singles, complete some remixes, jot down album cover idea and send it away to get designed, schedule Japanese dates, mutter under breath "There. That'll shut 'em up."
17:03 - Walk upstairs.
17:06 - Take catnap at half-way point on staircase.
17:17 - Continue walking upstairs, enter bedroom, and drop onto bed.
17:19 - Sleep
23:50 - Wake up famished. Decide against going all of the way downstairs and eat rest of cookie found earlier in sock drawer.
23:56 - Sleep until tomorrow afternoon.

No, no, no -- we all know that Cornelius, or Keigo Oyamada to his ma and pa, is always a lot busier than the "first album in five years" tagline above would indicate (as is Kevin Shields, despite constant claims to the contrary... and why do you all want a new MBV album anyway? Can't you just cherish your copies of Isn't Anything and Loveless and let the man live his life as Sophia Coppola's soundtrack muse?). Cornelius, the man everyone crushed on a few years ago, returns April 24 with a new album called Sensuous which is his first for new label Everloving. "Sleep Warm" is a Dean Martin cover, The Kings of Convenience guest on "Omstart," and Araki Yuko plays on "Fit Song." The video for "Fit Song" is also included. See? Good things do come to those who wait... and wait... and wait.

The Dismemberment Plan Reunites for One Show! I Know, I Know, But Quit Your Complaining; It’s For a Good Cause

On Saturday April 28, a positive, worthwhile event will take place in Washington D.C., and you can bet your ass people will be fighting for tickets to this particular show. The D.C.'s finest The Dismemberment Plan are reassembling to play a concert fundraiser at the Black Cat in DC that will benefit Callum Robbins, the one-year-old son of local musicians J. Robbins and Janet Morgan. Callum is suffering from Spinal Muscular Atrophy, and the local music community has come to help raise money for the family's insurance and medical bills.

The Dismemberment Plan, who dismembered (oh, man, am I a witty writer or what?) back in 2003, is the beloved band made up of Travis Morrison, Jason Caddell, Steve Cummings, Joe Easley (Statehood), and Eric Axelson (Maritime). Though unique and of-their-own, the band was often compared to the sounds of Fugazi and Jawbox. If you're not familiar with The DP, I highly recommend getting acquainted with their catalog. I think it's awesome that they are doing this benefit show. There is no word if this will spark more shows in the future, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

So the humanitarian thing to do would be to go to the show and pay the measly $15 for admission. You would even be super badass if you donated more money to the Callum Robbins Family Fund. And this time, please be a little more generous. Donate more money than you usually tip your hooker. Yeah, I'm on to you, ubiquitous TMT reader and your hooker-buying ways. No, I'm just kidding. But I know you've been cheap lately when it comes to hookers. So suck it in and enjoy the opening acts Beauty Pill and Owls & Crows. Don't act so "indie" like you usually do by standing in your little bubble with your arms crossed. If you do, Morrison from the DP will probably yell at you for being a bad person, which you are if you don't loosen up buddy.

This could be the night of many changes for us all. And you might feel warmer inside than Jake Gyllenhaal has ever felt in his cold heart. So I'm counting on you, sexy TMT readers, to forget that whole hooker crack I made earlier and to try to make it to this show. If you can't make it, then you should at least consider making a donation to help baby Cal on the DeSoto Records site. You could also check out Cal's Blog. Yeah, babies have blogs now. Doesn't that make you feel all warm and gooey inside? Take that Gyllenhaal!

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