When I Say “Malkmus,” You say “Is Touring for a Few Scattered Dates Throughout Western Canada and the American Midwest in October and Early November!”

While sitting around watching The Superstation the other day (you know, TBS -- duh), I fell asleep during King of Queens and woke up with the best idea for a spec script episode I’m going to write.

So, check it -- Carrie and some friends from work get into a weekly quizzo night at this bar, so she starts coming home really late every Wednesday. Doug starts getting lonely those nights, but he won’t admit it, so he starts being passive-aggressive toward her, making snide comments and shit. They eventually get in a big fight -- Carrie calls him selfish, and Doug brings up something bad she did before, but THIS TIME it gets out of control and she kicks him out.

So, Doug goes out drinking after the fight, and who does he run into but Stephen Malkmus. He and his Jicks are playing a show in Queens the next day, trying to take in some local flavor. Doug of course is starstruck, being a huge Pavement fan, and he can’t even form words at first. Anyway, long story short -- Steve takes a liking to Doug after he starts calling him “Milkmoose” because he’s too drunk to pronounce Malkmus and invites him to be a roadie on the following tourdates:

Blitzen Trapper will be along for the ride, too.

Howard Stern To Remake Rock ‘n’ Roll High School, Still No Word As To Whether The Ramones Will Be Played By A Cast of Swollen-Lipped “Adult” Entertainment Stars

Anti-censorship dude and Sirius god Howard Stern is set to produce a remake of Rock ‘n’ Roll High School, a musical comedy most famously known for starring The Ramones.

Stern is producing the flick with Larry Levinson. It will be scripted by Alex Winter, who you probably half-remember alongside Keanu Reeves amidst the smoky haze of your viewing Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.


Colin Greenwood and CYHSY Members Contribute to Indie-Doc Soundtrack; Underrated Brothers from Overrated 5-Pieces Make Music Like Big Boys

The other day at the video store where I work, someone put on Failure to Launch. This 26%-rotten flick features Matthew McConaughey as an x-TrEmE sports-loving bachelor who takes up permanent residence in his parents’ attic. When the ‘rents decide they want Junior out of the house, they turn to Sarah Jessica Parker, a woman (prostitute?) who makes a living dating young men who have “failed to launch” and convincing them to move out for good.

This is the perfect kind of movie to watch in a video store because its message is so blunt and obvious that it doesn’t matter if you’re taking care of late fees for the stoned guy who returned Super High Me a month late. The message is this: Horace Greeley was on to something. Leaving the nest can be difficult, but at some point, everyone must go west, young man.

And now, bassist Colin Greenwood is taking a cue from manifest destiny and taking off in a new direction. He’s just completed his first musical project outside of Radiohead, which is a big deal, considering band mates Johnny Greenwood, Phil Selway, Thom Yorke, and Ed O’Brien have all played outside of the Oxfordshire five-piece.

Greenwood’s new gig is the soundtrack for a film called Woodpecker, a bird-watching documentary that I will probably rent as soon as our video store gets it. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah members and twin brothers Lee and Tyler Sargent also contribute to the soundtrack.

The collab-tastic release is now available for online purchase, so quit gobbling down Mom’s lasagna and get on that before I call SJP on your ass.

Be Your Own Pet Breakup, Time To Be Your Own Counselor

Relationships are hard. They result in a lot of good times, bad times, and more clichéd musings than you can shake a barrel of bullet-riddled fish at. Joyce & Terry, Paul & Molly, Liz & Brian, Joy & David, Kim & Maggie, June & Daffy, Jean & Jim, and Jim & Christine all broke up long ago. Now word has come down from Nashville, TN's Be Your Own Pet that they too have called it quits. From their website:

To all of our fans, We are sad to bring you the news that our upcoming shows in the UK (dates below) are going to be our last as a band. We thank you for all your love and support these past few years - its [sic] been a blast but the time has come for the 4 of us to go our separate ways.

As stated above, the band, who released their second LP, Get Awkward (TMT Review) this year on Ecstatic Peace!, has a small run of UK dates left, before moving on to the inevitable next step: playing in their respective new bands while people tell them how great BYOP was. After about 15 years of that, they will probably reunite and play a series of shows with bands featuring the children of Thurston and Kim, Jeff Tweedy and ODB, causing people to reminisce nostalgically about BYOP on I Love the 00s. Which will be bearable, as long as jet packs/teleportation/time travel has been invented by then.

FINAL tourdates:

Need More Videos of German Dudes Playing with Speak & Spells? Kraftwerk Have Got You Covered with Their New Documentary DVD

Having already released a live DVD Minimum-Maximum back in 2005, Kraftwerk will release a documentary DVD titled Kraftwerk and the Electronic Revolution September 2. Hey, that’s my dad’s birthday! I wonder if 63 is that special age when baby boomers all of a sudden crave synthesizer-saturated music about robots, trains, and computers, kind of like an electric menopause. Whoa, looks like I just named Kraftwerk’s next album! Florian and Ralf, call me!

The DVD will focus on the prime of Kraftwerk’s kareer, from their start in the ’60s as Organization (good Lord that name couldn’t be more German if they called their band Efficient) to the ’70s glory days of Autobahn and Trans-Europe Express, concluding with their early ’80s resurgence as the fathers of synth-pop and electronica. Along with Kraftwerk’s basic history, the documentary will study the cybernetic foursome’s role in the legendary ’70s Krautrock scene, including short profiles on a few of the other awesome electronic groups around at the time, culminating with an overall study of German contemporary music through the lens of Kraftwerk.

The documentary also features rarely seen live performances and photographs, as well as interviews with prominent German scholars, journalists, musicians, and members of Kraftwerk past and present. Special features include extended interviews and a featurette titled “The Dusseldorf Scene Vs. The Hamburg Scene.” Like that’s even a contest. D-Dorf all the way, baby! Reppin’ the West Side!

Wake Up, Europe! The Hold Steady’s Coming And You’ve Got Drinkin’ To Do!

Yeah yeah, Europe. I know you think you know how to drink. Yep, I see your pubs, Britain. Uh-huh, nice vineyards, Paris. Oktoberfest? That’s cute, Munich. With all your hoity toity drinking traditions, I bet you think us Americans are just a bunch of Miller-swilling, Hee-Haw-watching amateurs. You don’t think we’re ready for the big leagues, do ya?

Well, let me introduce you to a band of our’s. They’re called The Hold Steady, and they grew up in cold-ass Minnesota drinking pints of whiskey and listening to Thin Lizzy. The Hold Steady look at a bar the same way a Viking looks at a monastery. But luckily for you, The Hold Steady wish you no harm. The Hold Steady want to be your friend. They want to party with you on their European tour, where they’ll be supporting their new album Stay Positive (TMT Review).

Their pond-jumping jaunt starts August 16 after a series of dates in the American South, so just remember this: When you keel over shortly after ordering your eighth lager, look over at your new buddy Craig Finn (he’ll be the one finishing his second handle of Old Crow) and just accept that you have been bested.


The Music Tapes’ Julian Koster to Release Singing Saw Christmas Album

Two young boys, Nigh and his older brother Will, were spending the night at their grandparents' house a week before Christmas. Grandma cooked a big hearty meal, and Grandpa helped them make Christmas cards for relatives. Fun was had by all. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

In a soft whisper, Will closed his eyes and began praying for some Christmas presents. "I'd love a new bike, Santa. And maybe a guitar, too... I've tried ever so hard to be a good boy this year."


Will, confused and agitated, leaned over and nudged Nigh. "Why are you shouting your prayers?? God isn't deaf." To which his little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Funny enough, Nigh's shouting was useless. Grandma died later that night.

The Singing Saw At Christmastime tracklist:

No Age, Dan Deacon, Tacos, and Whiskey? Must be F Yeah Fest 5

As I packed up my stuff and got ready to drive to Chicago for Lollapalooza yesterday morning, I read the details of Los Angeles' F Yeah Fest 5 and promptly smacked myself. Why, you may ask? Well, I'm going to spend this weekend trying to sneak food into a park overrun with corporate interests and sweaty, mostly uninteresting people, and I might get to see a dozen or so great bands play short sets on huge, unwieldy stages to apathetic crowds. Oh yeah, and Radiohead will be there.

Yet if only I'd saved my money for a plane ticket to head to L.A. August 30-31 for the F Yeah Fest's modest price tags ($16 the first day, $15 and $7 depending on which show you attend the second night), I'd be chillin' with acts from No Age to Negative Approach (!) to Dan Deacon to Trans Am. I'd also probably be winning the taco-eating contest.

Yes, that's right. The lineup includes a full crop of awesome bands, including high-profile locals like No Age, Abe Vigoda, and Mika Miko as well as hardcore punk pioneers Negative Approach and the omnipotent Fucked Up. But there's also a taco-eating contest. And 15 comedians. But most importantly, a taco-eating contest.

But that's only the first day. The second day includes a massive scavenger hunt leaving from Echo Park Lake at 2 PM and regrouping at an undetermined location at 7 PM, where the winner will receive $500 in cash and "the largest bottle of whiskey known to man" (or a keg of crystal clear Pepsi, depending on the winner's legality). By comparison, the closest thing to a scavenger hunt at Lollapalooza will be trying to find a single food or drink item under $4. The prize will be still being hungry.

After the scavenger hunt, F Yeah attendees will be able to choose between Polvo and Trans Am at one show, and a special guest headliner plus Hit Me Back and Final Fight at another. Oh right, Dan Deacon is playing a secret show at an undisclosed location at the same time, too. Best music festival ever?

Yahoo Music to Reimburse Customers for “Terminated” Music… Somehow

People were pissed when Microsoft first announced its abandonment of its DRM service, which would've caused MSN Music files to become useless (TMT News). After a big backlash, however, Microsoft of course backpedaled wildly and offered to support DRM for three more years. Nice gesture, I suppose. Luckily, Yahoo! Music, the next to leave their DRM files out in the cold, have got an exhaustively researched, well thought-out plan: "You'll be compensated for whatever you paid for the music," says Yahoo spokeswoman Carrie Davis. "We haven't said exactly what we will do, but we will take care of our customers."

I'm starting to sound, appropriately enough, like a broken record. Once again, if you bought songs from Yahoo! Music, they won't play on your computer or transfer to others after September 30. While you'll apparently see compensation for the lost files, it's, uh, great to know that Yahoo Music thought everything through before making the decision to pull the plug. Maybe you'll get a check in the mail. Maybe you'll get a year's supply of dog biscuits in the mail. Who knows! Keep 'em guessing, Yahoo! People LOVE it when you fuck around with their money... just ask Microsoft and Sony (TMT News).

It's like all of the DRM digital music services got really wasted one night and thought it would be the BEST IDEA EVER to make all of their customers as angry as possible... sort of like throwing down a gauntlet for their lowly customer service reps. Or maybe DRM was just the result of a coke-fueled three-day bender in the first place, because it's making about as much sense in the music industry as a Hannah Montana Greatest Hits album.

Last night, like I always do after Fraiser, I called my dear mother out in the suburbs to catch up a bit:

Me: Hey mom. It’s me. Just checking in.

Mom: Oh... hi, Dan. What time is it?

Me: It’s just after 10. Sorry to be calling kinda late. But... you know... Fraiser...

Mom: Oh, Frasier, huh?

Me: Yeah...? So? What’s wrong with--

Mom: Daniel, please! Why don’t go spend your evenings doing something constructive instead of watching that damn TV for 8 hours every damn day! When are you gonna get a job? When are you going to go back to school? When are you going to start going to church again? When are you gonna ask that girlfriend of yours to--

Me: Mom! Alright! I get it; look, just please don’t do this now. I told you; I’m going to be a professional musician some day.

Mom: Professional musician!?!? Ha! Watching TV sure isn’t gonna get you there! You wanna know how hard a real musician works? Just look at Jonny Greenwood, for God’s sake!

Me: Jonny Greenwood? From Radiohead? Why? What’s he doing that’s so spectacular?

Mom: Oh, only having the West Coast Premiere of his string orchestra piece “Popcorn Superhet Receiver” at the Herbst Theatre in San Francisco on August 21st!

Me: Wow. Really? I mean, isn’t he touring with Radiohead and stuff this summer, though??

Mom: That’s the point, Dan! While juggling that highly successful career, he has also managed become involved in the world of composition. I mean, Radiohead are playing at the Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival in San Francisco the very next evening! Talk about busy! In fact, the BBC Concert Orchestra premiered that "Popcorn" piece of his back in 2005! The BBC! Then, the Wordless Music concert series brought it stateside, where it debuted in New York City last January. Oh, and then the Alabama Symphony played it in April! Your Cousin Andrew lives there, remember?

Me: Yeah, yeah, mom. I know.

Mom: Oh, well then, Mister! Did you also know that Benjamin Shwartz, the resident conductor of the San Francisco Symphony, will be conducting that Magik*Magik Orchestra that night?! And that you can buy tickets starting next week at cityboxoffice.com? And, and that other works will include music by Arvo Pärt, Fred Frith, Mason Bates, and John Adams?!?

Me: Oh, so it’s all kinda minimalist stuff, huh mom?

Mom: Oh, don’t be such a smartass! No one likes a smartass! Now, why don’t YOU start doing productive things like that, huh? You never get anything done, even at that snarky internet music magazine that you supposedly “work” for!

Me: Hey! I do work there! I just... haven’t written anything... lately... hey wait a minute!

Mom: Oh, what is it, now??

Me: Nothing! Got an idea for a story! It’ll be cute! I’ll have to call you tomorrow! Love you, mom...
08.21.08 - San Francisco, CA - Herbst Theatre:

Arvo Pärt - Cantus in Memoriam Benjamin Britten

John Adams - Shaker Loops

Mason Bates - Icarian Rhapsody

Fred Frith - Save As (Joan Jeanrenaud, Cello)

Jonny Greenwood - Popcorn Superhet Receiver