Rolling Stones Earn Biggest Bucks; You to Channel Frustration Over The Way Things Are Into a Sudsy Revolution

THE FORBES RICHEST MUSICIANS LIST:

Oh hey, revolutionary-reader-baby! Oh, wow, you smell fresh today. Like clean laundry, roses, and sunshine. Is Mom keeping bars of Dove in your undie drawer this season? Can you just hold on for two shakes of a lamb's tail, reader baby? I'm a little busy fashioning this battering ram.

Here's the deal, my soon-to-be fist-raising revolter. Recently, Forbes reported The Rolling Stones the richest band of the year, with profit margins from June 2006 to 2007 hitting $88 million. And apparently, their tour “Bigger Bang” earned a cool $437 million since 2005 -- the most cha-ching-bling-blingin’ tour in history.*

Which should say to you, oh independent-minded, soap-smelling beautifully free TMT reader, IT IS TIME TO FIGHT THE MAN. The Stones have been on top for too long, wearing monocles and lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills while scoffing at inner city school children, puppies, and homeless toddlers.

The time is now, baby. This is the moment our purpose is realized. I’m talking full-scale Robin Hood shit. Pulling the filthy bandana out from under Keithy’s sweaty-Stoner head. He’ll be crying puddles of eyeliner, and we’ll be spitting on his shirtless chest, riding into the sunset with bags of money on horseback to pursue truth.

Think of what $88 million could do for indie music. Like:

(1) Clear skin.

(2) Good hair.

(3) ...Sweet jams, and enough Dove soap for all indies great and small, reader baby. Maybe even Irish Spring. Or Safeguard. Axe body wash for ladies men. Lots and lots and lots of soap. And bubble baths. And Cuban cigars to smoke while in bubble baths.

I smell justice, and it is as sweet smelling as you, reader baby. Let’s share the wealth, shower the indies we love with $$$ love.

* Second only in attendance to any traveling Bill Cosby lecture

Phosphorescent Embarks on U.S. Tour, Books Euro Tour with Akron/Family, Prefers Old-School Porn

DISCLAIMER: The "interview" below is completely false. Shame on you for thinking Houck could be a porn freak!

Here are five reasons why you should see Phosphorescent on tour:

1. Phosphorescent is releasing his new album, Pride, October 23 on Dead Oceans.
2. Akron/Family is fucking awesome -- as is their new album, Love Is Simple (TMT Review) -- and they're touring with Phosphorescent in Europe.
3. "A Picture Of Our Torn Up Praise" (MP3)
4. Phosphorescent, a.k.a. Matthew Houck, likes to reminisce about the days of past when porn was harder to come by. "Porn is everywhere now -- one click of the mouse and you're transported to sites and sites chock full of porn. It's just too easy. People don't have to work hard for it anymore." Sadly, Houck didn't have it so easy in his childhood. "Back when I was a young little boy, I had to travel miles to my friend's house just to [see some] porn. His dad always hid them in the same place -- stacked high up in the bathroom cabinet underneath some towels. We'd have to get a fucking chair from the kitchen just to reach it. I'd like to see these new generations work so hard for porn."
5. Look at the never-ending floss coming from the dude's chest!

& Akron/Family

Pete Doherty and Shane MacGowan: New Roomies; To Get Wasted, Doherty To Always Lose House Key, MacGowan To Get Pissed, Label All His Food “SM” In Individualized Tupperware Containers and Intentionally Fail to Replace Toilet Paper Out Of Pointed Spite

A snapshot of every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single day of every single week of every single month (etc. etc. etc.) that the recent Pete Doherty and Shane MacGowan roomie-a-go-go loveshacking lasts:

PD: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POUR ME ANOTHER SHOT, BRO!!!!!!!

SM: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... wooooo...

PD: POWER HOUR!!!!!!

SM: Woooooo... wooo... woo.

PD: Let’s jam!

SM: Eh, yea. Woo... woo...

PD: LIVING TOGETHER IS AWESOME. I’M TOTALLY LEARNING, TO LIKE, LIVE. LIFE IS LIKE, SO ALIVE, DUDE. SHOTTTTTIIEEE!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

SM: [Drunk vomiting]... wooo... woo.

Vic Chesnutt’s New Tour To Be Performed on Behalf of Human Creation, Art, and Architecture

It's hot in Chicago. I don't want to sweat anymore. I want it to get cold, really bone-chilling cold. Chicago cold. Snow, whipping down then swirling up because of how treacherous the wind is blowing, making the tallest and third-tallest building in the city sway HARD to scare the warm tourists in the observation towers never to return a thousand or so feet to the ground, because if the weather is this bad so close to heaven, just imagine how bad it would be with the clash of the warm front billowing up from hell.

The tourists would have to stay up there for days. Maybe weeks. When Chicago gets cold, it does for a while. Surrounded by the gray of winter, turned slightly blue because of the tint on the safety glass, the tourists would squint and hope to see the welcoming, warm orange glow of the streetlights below. And on days when the snow is pelting the windows a little less, they might steal a glimpse to get them through the next day, if for no other reason than as a reminder that, no matter what the season, we always long for its inverse. But these tourists have made a home there. What would they do in that box, that motionless glass elevator stuck on the top floor of nowhere?

I imagine they'd read the news. Men from the ground, mutant men evolved to withstand the intense steam heat from hell's core, would load the day's news onto supply carts. After the power would go out and when the tourists would become frightened (though glad to be safe in the sky), some would eventually overcome fear and language barriers to learn to work together, pulling up the carts through the unused elevator shaft. Keep them content for now, the mutants would say; eventually winter will end, because as we all know, heat rises.

The tourists, well-informed and well-fed from below, will miss the finer things in life from before this brutal winter. Their dogs, their bike riding, their human contact, because life in the sky is not as friendly as one might think, even with company. So, they'll squint again, this time across the air to their friends in the other tall building. The tourists will feel most palpably that people are always friendlier when there is some distance between them, on the ground and up high. Two glass elevators, stuck together in the blue-gray, swaying, waiting to heat up and dry out.

It's quiet up there, and the news is good, but it will get lonely. Even with a second box floating somewhere, boredom will set in. Being informed isn't enough. The tourists will want something the mutants can't send up an elevator shaft. The tourists will want art. They'll want something to give them a new understanding of themselves and the information they keep receiving. They'll want to laugh and cry and know what sardonic and poignant material was possible from humans, because that's what they'll miss most of all. During this interlude of leaderless confusion, wondering which move is the right one, a man will be born fully grown. Vic Chesnutt, named after nothing in particular, will play music he learned from an inspired bird that hid in a ceiling panel, afraid to fly south in case an event such as this occurred. Vic Chesnutt will lead the tourists himself. He'll lead them with the feeling they had been missing.

So, the tourists will go down. One by one, lowered down the elevator shaft. The mutants will scatter because they would attack on their own terms, when spirits are broken and people can't feel. But they can feel, and when they get down to the very bottom, they'll feel the heat of winter most vividly. They'll feel it as sardonic and poignant and several other things that, had they just trusted the power of human creation, art, and architecture, they might've avoided this whole ordeal in the first place.

Webcasters Pissed at Those SoundExchange Fuckers

If you love me, you'll read the abbreviated statement below, written on behalf of webcasters and SaveNetRadio. They're pissed that SoundExchange wants to charge small webcasters by percentage rather than on a per-song basis, the latter of which was actually recommended by the CRB. Hey, shit, that does kinda suck. Why those fuckers!

SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 19 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- Thousands of webcasters stand firm by rejecting the most recent Copyright Royalty Rate (CRB) proposal made by ThoseFuckers. The latest take it or leave it "offer" made by ThoseFuckers on behalf of the recording industry has done nothing to further negotiations with webcasters, and a mere 24 small webcasters have felt they had no choice but to give in to the record labels' demands.

"The latest proposal made by ThoseFuckers is extremely disappointing, at a time where we need real progress, not hollow tricks," SaveNetRadio spokesperson Jake Ward said. "While the clock continues to tick for webcasters, ThoseFuckers continues to play games with their good faith. The resounding rejection of this offer should serve as a reminder to ThoseFuckers, and to Congress, that the webcasting community is intent on a lasting and fair resolution to this issue, and willing to fight for it."

[...]

This deal is not feasible for anyone who wants to grow their business. It contains the aforementioned $1.25 million revenue cap, which limits growth and puts in place a dangerously low hard ceiling for revenue generation. The Small Business Administration revenue cap for over-the-air broadcasters to be considered a small business is $6.5 million -- this would seem a fair cap, with precedent.

[...]

Although several of the webcasters listed below are currently involved in direct negotiations with ThoseFuckers, the process remains exceedingly slow and increasingly unpromising. In the continuing absence of a genuine offer that would allow internet radio to continue to be the vital medium for new music discovery we implore our listeners and fans of internet radio to continue to urge your legislative representatives to pass the Internet Radio Equality Act (HR2060, S.1353).

For information on how you can contact your representative, please visit http://www.savenetradio.org.

Read the full statement here (just be sure to mentally replace each instance of "SoundExchange" with "ThoseFuckers"), and then have a great day, you cute little bugger!

Headstrong Trent Reznor Hates The Prices of His CDs… Hey, Yeah, I Hate His CDs Too!

This just in: Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor’s records aren’t selling too well.

But here’s the catch: It’s not his fault, boys and girls!

See, in response to what he sees as high CD prices, the maniacal electro-proto-alterna-metal pioneer offered more than just a nickel’s worth of free advice to his doting Australian fans while performing at a Sydney concert in this YouTube video. "Steal it. Steal away. Give it to your friends," said Reznor -- although, the singer apparently had no problem whatsoever with wasting over seven minutes worth of his unfortunate fan base’s money by, say, NOT playing music at his live show.

But the badass rock-martyr posturing doesn’t stop there! The razor-sharp Reznor had a very similar message for Chinese NIN fans at a (undoubtedly really expensive) music festival in Beijing, saying "It does not seem to be easy to obtain Western music via legal channels, so I have the following suggestion for our fans: If you can find and buy our legal CDs, I express my thanks for your support. If you cannot find it, I think that downloading from the internet is a more acceptable option than buying pirated CDs... If you like our songs after you've heard them, please feel free to share it with your friends." Sadly, no one on Reznor’s road crew could bear to tell him that (all) Chinese people speak Chinese and not English, but he had his moment.

Apparently, this whole thing stems from sometime back in May, when the venerable Mr. Reznor sounded-off on the unfairly high prices of music pricing and packaging, including the pricing of his killer Year Zero album, which was selling for the equivalent of almost US $30 in Australia. And seeing as how he has no intentions of dropping the ticket prices on any of his concerts or anything like that -- $110 bucks-a-pair, according to this guy -- the only due course of action is for NIN fans around the world to open up their hearts and share the dour, unfocused, shit-pissy, Reznor love!

Woo! Yeah! Fuck the establishment!

But still, you’ve got to give the man a little credit, I suppose. Even though he’s firmly entering into what can only euphemistically be spun as the “twilight” of his bright, bright (so bright!) career, at least he still has the wherewithal to at least pretend like he’s still got some passion left!

Now, if only that passion was being harnessed to make his new records a little better, he’d be set...

The Fabulous Grand Buffet Tour

All you can eat, $7.50. Of course the roast beef is always lathered with a rippling brown emulsion, and while the mashed potatoes are good and lumpy, they hold together about as well as the nervously glued biscuits in the back. But it’s getting late, and by 10:30, the green beans have their own evolutionary survival mechanism -- their caked-on buttery sheath slides off the serving spoon like oil off the tarmac. Cups of coffee swirl with murky sediment creating continents of filmy white bubbles, while those who are left await patiently for Grand Buffet to unveil its specialty dish, King Vision. To the side, the salad turns unnoticed.

For dessert, self-serve your own ice cream, dip in the chocolate gravel pit of sprinkles, then it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos... nah make ‘em Xxtra Flamin’ Hot. The spicy flavor nudges your nerve receptors just right, and a flood of endorphins come piling through the levies of your neural pathways, before the cerebrum comes to and you realize the bag is empty, your party of four is halfway to the movie theatre, and the fingers on your hand have morphed into a hunk of powdery red goo.

But if you want a plate at Grand Buffet, you gotta get in line. Starts on the left:

$ Of Montreal & MGMT

# early show

Ghostface Killah Rap Endorsed by Cartoons for Stoners; At Least He Still Has a Solo Career!!!

Famous porn station Cartoon Network has teamed up with America's Next Top Model Ghostface Killah for a 12-date, nationwide campus tour starting in October. Joining Ghostface is the wonderful hip-hop/spoken word artist Witchdoctor (a.k.a. Erin Johnson), but perhaps the most noteworthy part for you cheap, torrent-using pirates is that the show is free and open to the public -- it's like a whole new kind of piracy!

The tour is one of two announced tours by Adult Swim, the second featuring ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead and a live version of Dethklok, the heavy metal band from Adult Swim's Metalocalypse. Dates for that tour have yet to be announced, but who cares when you can keep tagging along with Ghostface on another tour. After the Adult Swim stint, Ghostface will perform at the Vegoose Festival before heading out on a 19-date tour with Rakim and Brother Ali. I caught up with Ghostface to talk about shit.

Thanks for doing this interview, Ghostface.

No problem, man. I love Tiny Mix Tapes. You have the best journalism on the net. Truthful, insightful, penetrating. Plus, now I listen to great music -- not shit like Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson!

Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?

Their music doesn't say anything.

Did you ever see them move? They're saying plenty, baby.

Yeah... sure...

What's wrong, Ghostface?

Men, especially Grant Purdum.

Hey, don't judge us by our worst specimen.

Universal Wants To Marry Your Dad and Force You To Eat Dinner, Even Though You Totally Despise Chicken Alfredo

I've never been one to call my dad an internet service provider (ISP), but he is definitely a provider of financial backing when it comes to college, and I thank him for that. Love ya, Dad! Nonetheless, an ISP is an important part of my daily life, especially being in college and no longer having to deal with the dial-up hell I lived in when my primary residence was across from a barn (thanks again, Dad). Without an ISP, I'd be totally without an outlet to the world to write horribly written news stories such as the one you are reading for an even worse website. Why do you come here anyway?

Oh, what's that? You wanted to know what ridiculous shit Universal has been trying to pull out of their ass as of late? Well, let me clue you in as quick as I can, because chicken alfredo sounds pretty good right now, and I'm fuggin' hungry.

1. Universal automatically assumes you are using P2P to trade their music illegally.
2. Universal has come up with a plan to get money from you when you use P2P to trade their music illegally.
3. This very tentative plan is called TotalMusic and involves your ISP and an extra $15 a month from you.
4. Even if you don't download music or you hate music, you still would have to pay the extra $15 a month if Universal and your ISP sleep together.
5. Universal will begin watermarking all of their music. DRM for the win, supposedly.
6. Wired's Listening Post writer Eliot Van Buskirk says the two major problems with TotalMusic are as follows:

There are two clear problems with this plan, both involving parties being forced to opt in to the system. First, it would charge all of an ISP's subscribers for accessing the music even if they don't want it and aren't downloading it. Second, a forced opt-in organization like SoundExchange would have to administer the system for all artists and labels; otherwise rights holders and ISPs would need to negotiate a near infinite number of deals in order to offer the 100% catalog coverage consumers would demand for their monthly fee.

So to sum this all up; Universal wants to automatically charge you for music, regardless of whether or not you download it.

Good.

Lyrics Born Illness To Strike The U.S. This Fall

The epidemic of Lyrics Born illness that has swept uncontrollably across Australia in the past month is expected to hit the United States by mid-October, says Julie Louise Gerberding, M.D., M.P.H., director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Thousands of Australians are already mad ill. Some are even suffering from what scientists refer to as ‘terminal flow,’” implored Dr. Gerberding, in a recent press conference. “We need to act now, before our whole country is g’d up from the feet up.”

Dr. Gerberding made it clear in her speech that it is not if but when America will be hit by this particularly devastating strain of silly freshness. Scientists have even predicted a date and location for patient zero: October 18 in Eureka, California. You can do your part by watching this informational video and listening to the tracks on Lyrics Born’s MySpace page with your family. Also be sure to watch out for the following symptoms:

- Sick beats
- Infectious lyricism
- Spitting hot fire
- The involuntary compulsion to throw ones hands in the air, wave them with no regard to consequence.

Scientists expect the outbreak to travel as follows:


* Del the Funky Homosapian

** Ryan Shaw