Job Location: various places in North America
Contract/Available: Full-time/September 2007
If hired, you must be Björk's muse from September 8-24. This position requires an exceptional ability on your behalf to be a source of inspiration. Björk, while undeniably brilliant, hates the daily grind of touring, so you must act as a guiding spirit and inspire her to perform on stage for six shows in North America.
Björk's muse must also originate and lead any other muse-related objectives that will provide a high performance culture that emphasizes empowerment, quality, productivity, goal attainment, and the recruitment and ongoing development of a superior Björk tour.
While being one of the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus is not a requirement, having the genius and/or characteristics of a poet is desired. You will also have to operate heavy machinery, and your skin color must be white if you want to be taken seriously (all races/colors are encouraged to apply though).
How to Apply:
Please submit an application (in person only), three written references, and transcripts if you would like to be considered for the vacant muse position by August 15, 2007.
(Björk is committed to a policy of nondiscrimination based on age only. Non-white applicants must be handcuffed and accompanied by a white person. Chick applicants must cut their hair and be heterosexually active -- no exceptions. Persons with disabilities, who require accommodation in the application, testing, and/or interview process, should contact the Human Resources Department and tell them that you're totally unqualified, that you shouldn't have even applied in the first place, and that you should be escorted the fuck out of there pronto.)
09.08.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Virgin Festival
09.11.07 - Detroit, MI - Fox Theatre
09.14.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park - Austin City Limits Festival
09.17.07 - Atlanta, GA - Fox Theatre
09.21.07 - Montreal, QC - Jacques Cartier Pier
09.24.07 - New York, NY - Madison Square Cargden
Having released the most critically acclaimed album so far this year, The Smashing Pumpkins have been the subjects of a media storm lately. And you know what? I bet Billy Corgan is just eating it up. Rumor has it that Corgan has a bit of an ego, so every mention of his beloved pet project must get his cherub cock so hard he could hammer up drywall with it. And I'm not just saying that to be anecdotal. I literally saw Billy Corgan hammering up some drywall with his penis!
That said, Explosions in the Sky -- a rock band at heart, post-rock band to journalists -- have been announced as month-long openers for rock behemoth The Smashing Pumpkins. Beginning in October, Explosions in the Sky will tag-along with the Pumpkins, playing songs that will most likely include dramatic nuggets from their latest LP, All of A Sudden I Miss Everyone (TMT Review), which was released on Temporary Residence earlier this year.
(Oh, this is exclusive news, btw. Please credit Mango Starr if you want your blog and/or online magazine to be taken seriously.)
Tourdates without The Smashing Bumpkins:
Open Your Mouth, Stick Out Your Tunng, And Say “New Album and Summer Dates” – Now Bend Over And Cough, Please
Unless I’m ripping Interpol a new one or snuggling up to the proverbial Tiny Mix Tapes “High School Musical” cock, I normally try to show a smidgen of impartiality when writing these terribly useless news stories. This time, my enthusiasm and excitement cannot be tamed. When I hear word of a new Tunng album coming out in August, I first lose control of my bowels (as is my style), then I quickly clean up all matters and matter and jump on the computer to write all about it. Whether the good editors at TMT post it is another matter entirely, but if you are reading this, then the picture of the entire editorial staff cavorting with this donkey at last year’s Christmas party did the trick.
Yeppers, Tunng’s third album, Good Arrows, is coming out August 20 on Full Time Hobby, and because the band has signed to the mighty Thrill Jockey in the U.S., we won’t have to wait a year or two for the album to come out in North America. But we will have to wait until September 25. Thrill Jockey plans on distributing the band’s second album Comments of the Inner Chorus as well. Good Arrows will be preceded by a limited-edition 7-inch single called “Bricks” August 6, which includes a remix by Dntel/Jimmy Tamborello. Oh yea, Full Time Hobby will also issue Good Arrows as a limited-edition that will contain two bonus songs (just like they did for Comments of the Inner Chorus). Good songs:
Unsurprisingly, the band tends to sign up for most of the UK festivals, as their music is the perfect soundtrack to sparkling summer nights. Here are the band’s remaining summer festival dates. Tunng plan on taking on the U.S. in their most extensive tour to date after the LP is released. We have included links to the festival shows below. We don’t normally provide this service, but we kind of have a little crush on all of you... yes all of you. Even you, Pizzaface
07.19.07 - Florence, Italy - Italia Wave Festival
07.22.07 - London, England - Lovebox Festival
08.02.07 - Rees-Haldern, Germany - Haldern Pop Festival
08.03.07 - Dranouter, Belgium - Dranouter Festival
08.04.07 - Herefordshire, England - Big Chill Festival
08.10.07 - Inverness, Scotland - Belladrum Festival
08.17.07 - Brecon Beacons, Wales - Green Man Festival
09.01.07 - Birmingham, England - Moseley Folk Festival
09.09.07 - Downsend, Isle of Wight, England - Bestival
09.21.07 - Derbyshire, England - Thermal Festival
10.10.07 - Brighton, England - Komedia
10.11.07 - Oxford, England - Carling Academy (The Zodiac)
10.12.07 - Leeds, England - Brundenell Social Club
10.13.07 - Pocklington, England - Arts Centre
10.14.07 - Cardiff, Wales - Glee Club
10.15.07 - Manchester, England - Academy
10.16.07 - Bristol, England - Thekla
10.17.07 - London, England - 229
You must be living under a RAWK if you haven't heard of the video gaming awesomeness that is Guitar Hero. It's this rad video game series that lets you play really RAWKIN' RAWK songs. Lemme explain it to you: You buy the game for a video game console, and you get a guitar-shaped controller with these big, bright, colorful buttons. It's kind of like Japanese sensation Dance Dance Revolution, but instead of dancing on a dance pad, you RAWK out with your fingers and hit the buttons as they appear on the screen. Kind of like a guitar and kind of like a cheesy video game controller with buttons. Either way, the plastic guitar controller craze is now coming to the Wii, and it's going to kick some ass.
If you aren't familiar with the Wii (and you probably aren't), it's Nintendo's newest entry into the console field. It's claim to fame is its completely motion-sensitive controller called the Wii remote. For example, instead of moving your old-skool analog stick to point your shotgun, you can use the Wii remote and actually move it around to aim. See, it just brings you closer to really feeling like you're killing something. I know for a fact that after playing the Wii and killing video game characters I hunger for more death and destruction. I hunger for extra lives and lots and lots of bloody bodies, all kneeling before the barrel of my gun. Whoops! Looks like I mixed up virtual reality and reality again! How silly of me! Maybe everyone is right, maybe video games are really teaching me to love murder. You're right Hilary Clinton, you're so god damn right about video game violence, but you're incredibly wrong about video games that bring the RAWK 'cause that's exactly what Guitar Hero 3 is going to do.
The unique thing about the Wii version of Guitar Hero is that you'll be able to stick your Wii remote inside of the guitar controller. What exactly does this mean? Well, for starters it means some really cool gameplay features that I predict will be announced in the future. Here are a couple of my ideas on the matter:
- You'll be forced to use the gyro sensors in the Wii Remote Guitar to bash the shit out of stage equipment after each set. The controller will be able to detect the speed at which you hurl your guitar at your closet door and calculate the impact it might have on your amp. So, in turn, the more shit you break, the more points you get! Score!
- You'll be forced to ride the guitar and move with it in a humping motion. The creators of Guitar Hero have actually added a sort of squirt-gun attachment, so when you're done with your phallic maneuvering, you can spray your RAWK all over the TV.
I'm pretty confident that Nintendo will approve of those new additions that will utilize their amazing revolutionary controller. Oh and did I mention you'll be able to RAWK out to some crazy RAWKIN' bands like The Rolling Stones, Guns N' Roses, and Beastie Boys? Kick it!
Guitar Hero 3 is reportedly set to bring the RAWK to the Wii in March 2008.
Zune Is What’s Hot On The Streets; Clipse, UGK, Mos Def, Common To Perform Microsoft-Inspired Verses In Chicago and NYC
If iPod has already cornered the hipster demographic, Zune is taking its marketing game to an entirely different one, courting some of the hottest acts in hip-hop for a summer concert series across the United States. With two separate upcoming shows, in Chicago July 22 and New York August 4, the software giant (but MP3 player dwarf) will attempt to spark otherwise lackluster sales for its newest, and least successful, flagship device. The shows will feature performances from Common, David Banner, Bilal, E-40, Large Professor, and more -- an impressive lineup, without a doubt, but still no reason to buy a Zune. Word on the street is that this guy will be DJ-ing the shows.
In the spirit of the event (and at the request of head G and ultimate playa Bill Gates), each MC will be switching up their lines a bit to help bring the struggling Zune to an urban demographic. For example, in their certified banger "Wamp Wamp" you might just hear the brothers Clipse rip a little verse that goes something like this:
Undeniably hot. For more info, check out Zune's official page.
Despite many setbacks in the past months, as well as this week's court denial of a "motion to stay" petition by webcasters, internet radio has been saved from the freakish royalty rate increases originally due to take effect this Sunday. "A commitment has been made to negotiate reasonable royalties, recognizing the industry’s long-term value and its still-developing revenue potential," wrote SaveNetRadio on its website.
Due in no small part to the public outcry (the Internet Radio Equality Act now has over 125 cosponsoring representatives), webcasters can now catch their breaths as negotiations begin. SoundExchange has said it will not enforce the new royalty rates until new rates are decided on.
Of course, royalty increases are still likely, and all of this is decidedly temporary. At best, the negotiations will produce a healthy discussion of the internet, copyright laws, and royalty rates, ending with reasonable legislation. At worst, internet radio supporters -- both hardcore and casual ones -- will slowly become complacent during the negoations, and the next timeline will be met with lukewarm protest.
Although this temporary victory is certainly a positive sign for internet radio, the Copyright Royalty Board and SoundExchange are certainly not ready to give in just yet. Go to SaveNetRadio to learn more.
You just knew Sony BMG had a fucked idea when they suggested anti-pirateable CDs.
And you just knew Sony BMG had fucked up when the anti-piracy software it felt was soooo necessary for CDs to contain occasionally didn't even allow the CDs to be played. Or, maybe you were thinking this was a revolutionary concept: allow CONSUMERS to PURCHASE a CD, but DON'T LET the CONSUMER — the one who purchased it, the one inclined to listen to it — to do so, to CONSUME. The logic does follow — if music can't be heard, it can't be pirated. The exception, of course, being John Cage's "4'33"."
But, dammit, there are laws in this country, and when you pay for a CD, there better godfuckingdammit be audible noise on that CD. AND IT BETTER NOT MAKE YOUR COMPUTER VULNERABLE TO VIRUSES. Well, that was precisely the problem, and Sony BMG got its ass sued and settled for a $5.75 million loss, and rightfully so: a jury could have come up with that verdict.
With CD sales perpetually in decline, Sony BMG has no other choice now but to turn around (stop, briefly, from telling its RIAA lawyers to sue college students) and sue that anti-piracy, non-functioning-software, computer vulnerability-making development company, The Amergence Group Inc. (formerly SunnComm), for $12 million.
The software probably was shitty -- I mean, by its nature, it was shitty -- but The Amergence Group has vowed to fight the allegations. Shouldn't Sony BMG have used a more reputable software development company, like Intel or whoever? Don't they have anyone working quality control? Wasn't this a bad idea from the start? Sony BMG should count their losses and stop with the bad fucking ideas.
But seriously, if I could say anything to the major record labels, it would be to sue your own dumb asses. Carrie Underwood sucks. You suck. Go bankrupt, you corrupt pieces of fucking bullshit!
Digital Versatile Disc news ahoy, on no less than TWO fronts! First of all, zoologists in the Far East who have been frustrated for over the total fucking ineptitude, reproduction-wise, of giant pandas seem to have hit upon an unlikely solution in the shape of DVDs portraying unexpurgated panda bear FILTH.They’ve found that if you show male panda bears a few hours of this ultra-hot panda porn, then those chaps soon get dirty-minded enough to throw down their bamboo chews and totally get into searching out some hot Ailuropoda melanoleuca madam for an extended session of cold shit action! As if this wasn’t peculiar enough, it’s apparently not the sight, but the sounds associated with the bump ‘n’ grind that turn Mr. Panda crazy with desire.
Of course, there are some other types of Panda Bear noises that make you and I and everyone we know (except for the zoophiles amongst us, who I’m sure are already searching out that XXX panda goodness) feel all sort of loose, hot, and lascivious. And our desires are all gonna be totally catered to, too! Panda Bear -- the Person Pitch (TMT Review) /Animal Collective dude, of course -- is having a DVD released in the near future, documenting his recent solo shows in Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York. There’ll be footage of the support bands and all kinds of backstage stuff on there as well.
The footage has been shot and is being edited by a chap who goes only by the name ‘Mike.’ His website is a little sketchy about the whole thing, but from what I can understand, it looks like the DVD will only be available from this mysterious Mike’s site, and it’ll probably cost you a donation of $5-10 to cover his costs. Noah Lennox himself appears to have approved the whole deal, saying that he "thought it would be good to have for all the people who would have liked to see the show, but couldn't because it was far away." Far, far away, even? How sweet of him.
It was the end of the tour, and Jon Langford could barely contain his relief. It had been a long and arduous musical journey, but now it was complete, as all things will eventually be. Langford lowered his eyes and blushed as he remembered the songs the band had played and the new faces he had met. Oh, how the audience had erupted in applause at the final note! Oh, how thankful Langford was for his many musical blessings! In accordance with tradition, Langford placed his hands on the floor of his dressing room and bowed deeply.
But the tour was not the only thing on Langford's mind; there was also a new album to be worrying about. Fresh tears formed on Langford's eyelashes. Oh, how he wished he could stay forever on stage, surrounded by those who knew his name and appreciated his work, never asking for more! It was only a trifling number of days over one month before his band's new album, Natural, would be released. August 21 was the day he could finally, truly breathe out a deep sigh. Oh, how he and his band had slaved away at those 12 songs! Langford smiled ruefully to himself. He pulled out an old, faded photograph of the band from their early years and chuckled good-naturedly to himself, as he again remembered his band's storied past. Have I been happy with my life thus far? he thought. Langford turned away so his tears wouldn't spoil the photograph. He looked out at the freshly falling snow and began to softly urinate on the shag carpet beneath him.
Feist To Tour Europe, Girlfriends With Bad Skin and Big Noses To Turn Away in Unvoiced Insecurity When Their Indie Boyfriends Accidentally Whisper “I Love You, Leslie Feist” During Sex; And Oh, Hey, Regina George, Don’t You Be Trippin’ - Feist Taught Lindz LoLo Everything She Knows About Sex Appeal
Janis: Leslie Feist. How do I even begin to explain Leslie Feist?
Girl: Feist is flawless.
Another Girl: She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.
Boy: I heard her hair is insured for $10,000.
Another Girl: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.
Another Girl: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
Another Girl: One time, she met John Stamos on a plane. And he told her she was pretty.
Another Girl: One time, she punched me in the face... It was awesome!
Girl: I saw Feist wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops...
Let’s be real. La-Lohan ain’t no Mean Girl next to Her Feisty-ness, but she did perform the hot, wet, dancetastic “Rumors,” which runs in the same vein as The Reminder and perhaps bests any literature by Leonard Cohen. Find the two North American tourdates in the list below, find Waldo, find Feist’s used tissues and chewed gum: