The Avalanches Are Forging their New Album Entirely Out of Adamantium… and a few Pop Tarts.

Remember Frontier Psychiatrist? A silly question when you consider the talking coconut with googly eyes, a turtle with an old-man's head, and singing ghosts. Oh, and a giant parrot, a mariachi band, cowboys, and that chorus of old people. Haven't seen the video you say? Have you even heard the song? You haven't? Well, listen up clown-shoes; I've had enough of your rampant tomfoolery. How dare you do this to me. Link to the Video. Now there's no excuse is there? I just gave you a link to the video. You don't even have to move. I've done the leg work for you. Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.

Pretty cool eh? I love the part at the beginning with they act out that old sample. You still haven't watched it? Are you fucking with me? You wanna read to the article first? Fine.

*END OF ARTICLE*

----

Okay, now that I've distracted the riffraff with shiny things and YouTube, let me tell you what these crazy Aussies have been up to since Y2K: They've been making another album. ISN'T THAT CRAZY? I know, it's just out of this world. Apparently the album required a bit of re-tweaking since they initially thought it was done in 2005. Hopefully this means the album will be good. I'd like to hear a good record. I like good music. Do you like good music? I certainly hope so. So yeah, the other day I was chatting with your father on the phone while your mother was giving me hea...

HEY! You're back! How was the video? Yeah I said you'd like it. Sorry for deceiving you like that. No... hahaha, of course I wouldn't say anything to offend you; that's just a filthy rumor. A filthy, filthy rumor. No don't! I urge you not to read the previous paragraph. You already did? Dammit... okay, if I told you that I was put up to it, would you believe me? I didn't think so... how about some kind of monetary compensation for the emotional damage?

HEY TMT OWNER DUDE, CAN I PAY OFF THE STUPID MOONINITES THAT I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED "RIFFRAFF"?

IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD YOU SAY?

Okay, so it turns out what I called you isn't even a dirty word, unless you're some kind of late-1800s gold miner. You are? Wow... that's actually pretty cool, so do you have like... a time machine or something? No? You're just 150 years old? I don't believe you. Where's your time machine? In your pants you say? I have to reach for it myself? Well, since I'm incredibly gullible, I think I'll venture a grab down there... *rummaging noises* Hey! I found a burrito! Cool. I like burritos. Awesome, this one is warm, I think I'll just have myself a taste here. Eww...this sorta tastes like your mom's [ed. Removed that word...we got too many complaints last time] cooking.

We have no idea when the album is coming out, but it's "on the way in 2007." At least according to a post on the avalanches forum, by someone named "theavalanchesdotcom." Whatever that means.

Sage Francis Is Not On Fire, Will Release New LP May 8

Partially due to not being on fire, Sage Francis is set to release his new LP, Human The Death Dance, on May 8. The album, his tenth, features collaborations with Jolie Holland, Mark Isham, and Buck 65. Some of the tracks have been recorded for the Edward Norton/Colin Farrell film, Pride & Glory. None of these people are currently on fire.

"I am relieved that I am not on fire, as I feel that being on fire would seriously impair my ability to create and release not only this album, but the many albums I have planned for the future," Sage said in a recent press release. "Rapping is a very serious business, and it is very hard to do if you are on fire. Well, I can only guess that that is the case, as I am not on fire."

Doctor Ben Tilley, Professor of Fire at Stanford University, is hopeful for Sage's continuing health. "Assuming a continuing state of non-combustion, Sage can hope to live a happy and healthy life for about another 50 years," he told Tiny Mix Tapes. "Of course, should he set on fire at any point, he should expect his life expectancy to drop dramatically."
3,675 people die due to fire every year in the USA. The symptoms include burns, blisters, smoke damage, and death. The Great Chicago fire of 1871, in which Sage Francis was not involved, caused $2.6 billion dollars worth of damage (adjusted).

While a full tracklisting for Human The Death Dance has not yet been released, songs such as "Woke Up This Morning," "Hell Of A Year," and "Keep Moving" cover topics ranging from the workplace to sex addiction. In an eerie reflection of his current state, none of the songs mention being on fire.

Tapes N Tapes To Tour, Retain Their Old Allure, With Their Members Four, It’ll Rock For Sure, New Sound Fresh And Pure, Second Album To Be More Mature, No Dates In Kuala Lumpur

So, hey, true story. I was seeing Tapes n Tapes at the Indian Summer festival in Glasgow last September when Josh Grier started tuning his guitar between songs. He was having trouble, and was making up banter to cover it up. Well, let me tell you, ol' Nunpuncher doesn't let a guy get away with weak shit like that. I bare my teeth and go in for the kill. "Get a job!" I yell. And people start laughing at him. "I -- I've got a job!" he yells, dismayed and embarrassed. "I'm going back to it in a week!"

Yeah, nice comeback, Oscar Wilde. Witty repartee, Woody Allen. Way to go, Charlie Chaplin.

So I'm pretty surprised that Tapes n Tapes are even on the road any more. You don't recover from a 100% pure beef Nunpuncher burn just like that. You ever heard of the Withering Sparrows? No? That's because they all hanged themselves after a gig at Nice N' Sleazy, where I made a joke about the drummer's hair. That's how damn good I am.

Don't ask me to repeat what I said. You'll probably try to kill yourself too. So, yeah. I guess I've got to hand it to Tapes n Tapes to conquer what I imagine must be some pretty major demons and get touring again. Just don't come anywhere near Glasgow with any of that poorly-tuned guitar nonsense, y'hear? I've got some dangerous new material, and I'm ready for you. Some of it's about your mothers. I'm warning you, cuz I respect you.


10. Two Italian films, Alessandro Angelini's L'Aria Salata and Paolo Sorrentino's L'Amico di Famiglia, feature songs by Antony and the Johnsons. No, they're not Spaghetti Westerns, jerk

09. After shooting both London performances in November and over 60 hours of touring and interview footage, Charlie Atlas and Antony are currently editing TURNING.
08. In collaboration with William Basinski, Antony is composing a sound installation to be featured at the Belsay Manor. Eat their asses LaMonte Young

07. Antony sang "Candy Says" with Lou Reed during the encores of his "Berlin" shows in Sydney, Australia. Julian Schnabel is producing a film of the New York Berlin performances. Loud Reed says song is really about Pixy Stix

06. In collaboration with composer Nico Muhly, Antony has scheduled a March 9 performance at the Brooklyn Academy of Music with the Brooklyn Philharmonic Orchestra. He's expected to play some new stuff. Also, expect some select dates in Europe this Spring. He's expected to play some new stuff. I'll probably go to each show, because he's expected to play some new stuff

05. Antony and Muhly composed a score for a Shakespeare sonnet. The score will be directed by Gavin Bryars and performed by the Opera North musicians February 24-25 at the Courtyard Theatre. "BORING!!!!!" one might say.
04. Who knew Björk was racist. Anyway, Antony sung a duet with Björk for her new album expected this Spring. This would've been much higher on the list, but you already knew this info, didn't you?
03. Antony and The Johnsons changed name to Green Day

02. Michael Cashmore of Current 93 has a new mini-album titled The Snow Abides, on which Antony sings all the vocals. David Tibet wrote the lyrics. You can order it NOW through Jnana Records.
01. Antony is hard-at-work (presumably) in the studio, recording new music themed around "ghosts and nature." He expects to be there for the next few months. There's no release date yet, of course, but I'm going to go ahead and give it a tentative release date of October 9, with an internet leak on August 28. Whether it will be released under the new Green Day moniker is still up in the air.

Frog Eyes Divide MDs Everywhere and Tour (Oh, and They’re Not Emo)

My first exposure to Frog Eyes came at a college radio station. The MD that reviewed it pissed and moaned about how terrible Carey Mercer’s voice was. Naturally, I listened to it and nearly croaked right there... how could people hear this and not devour it like a tall stack ‘o Aunt Jemima pancakes? From there it was all over for me. I delighted in the bright-yellow shower that was The Golden River, shook The Bloody Hand, and read the fortune of The Folded Palm. Then I realized that the guy reviewing it was kind of a wiener (pronounced, ‘veener’). A harmless wiener, but a wiener nonetheless.

As the weeks went by, he blessed me with several other nuggets of information, including:

a) Minus The Bear are ‘emo’

b) the best thing to do when someone catches you talking shit is to go, “Whaaaaaaaaat?” in a high-pitched voice

c) Mono “totally copy Mogwai”

d) when you first get off a plane it’s completely OK — in fact, preferred — to give Grantie your bags/coat and run to the Mens Room for 25 minutes

e) if it ain’t VU, mid-tempo, alt. country-inspired indie-rock or something released in the early- to mid-’80s it ain’t no damn good

f) Shuggee Otis is the only funk musician worth knowing about

g) simply being vagi-, I mean vegetarian isn’t enough; you must also make comments or groan every time a co-worker eats a piece of meat in your presence... unless it’s fish, because fish totally can’t like, feel and stuff... and chicken, because it’s totally like, not really meat anyway

h) it is totally and completely possible to fall desperately in love with someone in Texas over the course of three days

i) if you talk to a girl once or twice you have “dibs” for the next six months

j) gaining five pounds is a tragedy

k) it is totally and completely possible for a dude to be lovable and personable despite the quirks listed above

Although Frog Eyes probably don't know this dude, I just KNOW they wrote all nine of the songs from upcoming album Tears of the Valedictorian (to be dropped May 1) for him.

Contact your local music director for more sooper-fun tips for living:

Tracklist for Valedictorian:

Vashti “Punxsutawney” Bunyan Goes On Groundhog’s Day U.S. Tour

Those who closely follow singer-songwriter Vashti Bunyan's career know she is wildly passionate about two things: Goldeneye for Nintendo 64, and [Groundhog's Day}. In between first to ten, power weapons in the bunker, no-Oddjob death matches, Bunyan has made time to go on an eight-stop tour of the eastern U.S., starting on, appropriately, Groundhog's Day.

If, after the final show is over, Bunyan sees her shadow while leaving the building, she has promised to change her name to Punxsutawney Bunyan and then go on six more weeks of tour. In any case, I'm going get stuck watching that Bill Murray movie with my extended family over the weekend.

Fuck groundhogs:

Jay-Z Re-Launches Cherry Coke, Line Of Jay-Z-Boy Furniture

Mmmmm soda! Mmmm-mmm-mmmm soda! Hi kids! Oh that was weak, let's try that again. Hi kids! Woah! Okay, you guys are ready for some fun and some d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s soda! It's National Health Awareness Week sponsored by Coca-Cola and we are here to tell you about all the healthy benefits of being healthy. Healthy. Hmmm, what does that mean? Healthy.

Well, healthy can mean eating right. Healthy can mean exercising. But most of all, healthy means feeling good. Who feels good right now? Any kids overweight? Yeah? Go ahead and put your hands down, you aren't healthy. That's what we're here for! Come on up, all the big kids, come on, don't be shy.

As they slowly come up, lets recap. What does healthy mean? You, go ahead and answer. Feeling good? Yessir! Here's a Cherry Coke! Enjoy Coke. Some health nuts are going to throw a lot of buzzwords and mumbo-jumbo at you like, "Healthy means eating -- blech -- carrots! And -- yuck -- celery!" All you have to do is smile and know that a sweet, sweet, dewy-sweet Cherry Coke is waiting for you in the cafeteria vending machines. Enjoy Coke. And you know what, it's cool to drink Cherry Coke! It's cool to be healthy!

Is everyone up on stage? No? We'll wait. Okay, I've got a special secret just for you bigs, so don't tell those guys out there. Being healthy isn't something to be afraid of; it's a no-pressure friend who just wants to be there for you when you eat salty things and need a sugary, caffeinated pick-me-up. Now, I've arranged for your principal to let you out of any class you'd like, if you spend the time getting healthy by the Cherry Coke vending machines. We need you. To get healthy!

Now here's a treat for all of you! To kick off National Health Awareness Week sponsored by Coca-Cola, we've invited hip-hop artist Jay-Z and his fashion company Rocawear to play you a few of his new Cherry Coke-inspired commercial music videos! Cool! Cherry Coke and being healthy have a new face, and it's Jay-Z putting the edge back in Cherry Coke. Enjoy Coke. Don't forget to buy Rocawear, and don't forget to look for our cool healthy ad campaign on such mediums as: TV, radio, print, and internet. Get ready and let's welcome Cherry Coke spokesman and health maniac, Jay-Z!

Walkmen Drivecars, Tourcities, Playsongs

The Walkmen are back on tour this March, so if you haven't listened to any of their albums yet, now is the time to catch up. As a public service, we at TMT would like to give you a head-start by transcribing the lyrics to their biggest hit thus far. That way, you won't be the only one not singing along at their shows:

"Hot sun beating down / Burning my feet just walking around Hot sun making me sweat / Gator's getting close, hasn't got me yet

I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling everything

Blue jeans sitting on the beach / Her dog's talking to me, but she's out of reach
She's got a body under that shirt / But all she wants to do is rub my face in the dirt

I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk
I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling

Oh, and checking everything is in place / You never know who's looking on
Young punk spilling beer on my shoes / Fat guys talking to me trying to steal my blues
Thick smoke, see her smiling through / I never thought so much could happen just shooting pool

I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling

Oh, and checking everything is in place / You never know who's looking on
A perfect body with a perfect face / UH-HUH!

No, I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk
No, I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling everything."

Even the most callous listener cannot deny the power of these words set to heavenly music:

Battles To Tour And Release Album, But Seriously, Guys, Would A Press Release Hurt? Really? Just A Little One?

According to an incredibly uninformative message on their MySpace, Battles are getting ready to release their debut album, y'know, soon. Ish. It's going to be preceded by a single, and both will be released on Warp.

Uh... It will come on either an LP, which will be large and round, a CD, which will be smaller and shinier but still round, or as MP3s, which are invisible. It'll probably use instruments like guitars and drums, and some other stuff, and will be available in shops. It'll have a name, as will all the tracks on it, unless any of them are untitled, in which case they won't. It probably won't smell strongly of anything and will stop playing if exposed to extreme heat or pressure. If snapped, it'll break into several pieces, some of which will be very sharp, so watch out for that!

And that's all I can find out. Apparently actually telling anyone anything about it would be soooooo uncool. Well, FINE. Maybe I just won't BUY your stupid album. How d'ya like THAT, Battles? Huh? How d'ya like THEM apples? Are you crying? You crying? Aw, don't cry! Crybaby!

Oh, they're going on some dumb tour or something, too:

Hold Your Tongue and Say “The Apples in Stereo Tour”

[Scene: Kids are eating cereal at kitchen table. Dad enters.]

Dad: What the hell are you kids doing?

Son: We're just eating Apple Jacks dad.

Dad: What? What the hell are Apple Jacks?

Son's friend: They are like cheerios, but more colorful and festive.

Dad: What? A gay cheerio? Give me a bite, you little pissers.

Son: They're good, huh?

Dad: What? No, they don't taste like goddamn apples.

Son: Parents just don't get it!

Dad: And what the hee-haw is this jibber jabberin you dillweeds are listening to on the radio?

[The Dad walks over to the stereo on the kitchen counter, and violently knocks it onto the floor.]

Son: Dad! That was The Apples in Stereo. They're flip floppin' awesome. And they're going on tour to promote their latest masterpiece New Magnetic Wonder due in stores February 6, 2007. You may remember seeing lead singer Rob Schneider play the theme to The Colbert Report on the show back in December.

Dad: What? They don't sound like apples!

Son: Ha! See parents just don't get it.

[The Dad angrily grabs his son's arm, and then he stabs his son's friend in the chest.]

Son: Dad, you're hurting me. And you smell like whiskey and the dog's butt.

Dad: Where's your mom? YOU TELL ME NOW!

Son: She's still in the basement.

Tourdates:

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