A. Sunglasses, the very same pair he wore when he had sex with rock critic Robert Christgau.
B. "I want the bomb/ I want the chronic/ I gots to get fucked up." - "The Roach," Dr. Dre
C. Used condom, post-Lydia Lunch.
E. BiC ® .5mm Mechanical Pencil with Color Rubber Grip. Fun fact: Chance prefers pencils over pens.
F. Aerosol hairspray product, in order to achieve his beautiful coif. When asked whether he'd consider switching out of aerosol for environmental reasons, Chance quipped, "I will, once you sell your car."
G. Bottle of holy water with "X"s on it.
H. Burger King DOUBLE WHOPPER® (without cheese; Chance has high blood pressure).
I. Mahjong tile, in case that specific piece is missing should he ever find himself in an underground basement in Chinatown with a bunch of old Chinese people. "Hey, you never know," said Chance to Time Magazine writer Susan Schultz.
J. Lit cigarette.
K. CD version of Ornette!.
L. Vase from Weasel Walter, sent through USPS, First-Class Parcel with Signature Confirmation. Chance wasn't actually home when the package arrived, so the mail carrier instead forged Chance's signature on the 3489 form (those little pink slips) and scanned it as if he had, and then clumsily plopped the package in a shaded area on Chance's front porch. Luckily, no damage was done to the vase, but Chance was initially worried when he saw the package was slightly damaged due to the rough handling of the sometimes-irresponsible USPS workers. This wasn't the first time Chance was upset at the postal service, and he was certain it wasn't the last. Though, little did Chance know that his carrier has 434 houses/schools/churches on his route, and in order to get back to the station in time to get the outgoing mail on the last truck, he had to hurry that day; so, sometimes packages are dropped a little harder than they should be. But it's not all bad for the mail carrier. He brings his own music in the truck and he gets to sort half the day and enjoy the weather the other half. However, he often forgets to bring doggy treats before he heads out on his route, and the dogs bark like crazy because of it. He especially hates when cars park in front of the mailboxes, forcing him to get out of his truck. He always considers spitting on the car that's parked in front of the box or, at the very least, to passively-aggressively roll his eyes in the hopes that someone might see his disgust. I mean, what the fuck, he's delivering in a suburban neighborhood -- they have, like, three-car garages and plenty of driveway space.
M. Nude picture of Chance playing sax in his apartment. Photo taken by Brian Eno. Frame from IKEA, developed by his friend, Jerry "Cable Guy" Torque, who claims he wrote the guitar part to "Flip Your Face."
N. Faxed upcoming tourdates with Burger King DOUBLE WHOPPER® Nutrition Facts (as requested):
Internet’s Ad Revenue Surpasses That Of Radio; I Was Wondering Where This Rocket Car and Enormous Pile of Cocaine Came From
Don't know if you guys have heard, but the internet's basically THE place for advertising nowadays. Unlike with radio, young people use it. Unlike on television, there's no fear of piracy and having commercials edited out*. Unlike on billboards, Joe Camel can stand tall, maintaining a strong, respectable presence. Unlike in magazines, you can play rap through an internet ad. Unless you count inserting backwards messages into Beatles records, it is the ultimate advertising medium.
Finally, those pesky economics have proven what we've known to be true since the days of acquiring, distributing, and trading our precious online ads via usenet: Advertising on the internet is more profitable than advertising on the radio. Right now, figures for both media are in the $20 billion range, but within a few years, the information superhighway is set to overtake the $40 billion monolith of television.
I would normally recommend that you keep an eye on this website for details, but as critical mass approaches, the risk of this website turning into a sentient being made entirely of money and pure energy is greatly increasing. This new entity, with its unpronounceable name and vicelike talons, will not be interested in cultural commentary and discourse as much as it will have a completely insatiable craving for power. But, of course, it will still love boners. Boners boners boners.
*Editor's note: Some people use programs to block internet ads. (I'm not linking to any in fear that you'll block the very TMT ads that pay for my yearly Roth IRA investments. Live for today and tomorrow. That's what I always say.)
Ramones Offer New Double Disc DVD, Get Charged With Assault and Battery for 30+ Years of Beating on Brats with Baseball Bats
Attention all punks, runts, pinheads, sedative-addicts, electro-shock patients, beach-hitchhikers, glue-sniffers, wild pig-lovers, disgruntled high school students, people named "Bonzo," Klansmen, and Nazis:
Now is your chance to show the world that you haven't been stone cold crazy all these years (well, except for the electro-shock patients, I guess) and that there actually used to be a band that you could identify with, back before this formerly freak-flag-flyin' country went all right-wing on you with its PC-ass Soul Asylums and Goo Goo Dolls. With the impending release of a newly announced Ultimate Ramones Double DVD set, due October 2 via everyone's favorite stalwart torchbearer of the still-commercialy-viable-bygone-artist, Rhino, you can rest assured, because no one's gonna call you "animal boy" anymore (well... okay, they might)!
The punk rawk rarefying DVD, mercifully titled It's Alive: 1974-1976 instead of something like The KKK Took My Baby Away, features over four hours of freak relief via rare and previously unreleased concert performances from around the world. That's FOUR HOURS, you weirdos. Just imagine how many two-minute songs that translates to in "Ramones Time"! F-ing hundreds! Trust me; you crazies won't have to leave the house (i.e., your parents' basement) for a WHILE.
But don't be fooled: even though the performances may be DIY-speedy, there was nothing "punk rawk" about the prep time for this thing. More than four years in the making, Tommy Ramone lovingly (as it were) served as music supervisor for this entire collection. Arranged chronologically over two DVDs, It’s Alive relives some of the band's best performances, with impossible-to-find and unreleased live footage of more than 100 classic songs about freaks, geeks, and general outcast revelries, including "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker," "Blitzkrieg Bop," "Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue," "Beat On The Brat," and "I Wanna Be Sedated."
Spanning The Ramones' entire career, It's Alive follows the band from its earliest performances at CBGB to their last international performance in Argentina, while traveling around the world with The Ramones and capturing priceless performances in the UK, Germany, Sweden, Spain, Argentina, Finland, Italy, and the U.S. Some of the highlights include nine performances from the 1892 US Festival in San Bernadino, which are featured here in the decidedly UN-punk rock "5.1 Surround Sound." The DVD also includes previously unreleased footage the band's incendiary New Year's Eve 1977 performance at The Rainbow Theatre in London, the entire concert of which was released in 1979 as the It's Alive album, a record considered by High Fidelity-type record store nerds to be one of the best live records ever. And if that's not enough to get all you shock-treatment patients a-salivating, The DVD also features 14 songs in 5.1 taken from that show, including "Pinhead," "We're A Happy Family," and "Havana Affair." Trust me, if I were a freak, geek, music snob, snarky music writer, or fanatic music fan, i would be WAY into this thing. Oh wait...
In order to conserve the limited area allotted to TMT's rental space, you can check out the lengthy tracklist for the DVD release here.
Da’ Personals <3 <3
Single white male seeking compassionate, inspirational, gentle acoustic-lovin’ snuggle muffin. Must whisper “Easy, tiger” in my ear during nightly cuddle fests. Sloppy drunks welcome. College-education not preferred. Call 555-5555, and ask for Ryan, for a good time.
<3 <3 <3 Or visit me in my party van, oh, baby, baby:
Yellow Swans and Mouthus Provide Humanitarian Aid to Those Who Suffer From Halitosis on Upcoming Tou
Dear TMT readers,
Will you ever learn?
I mean, what's it gonna take for Yo La Tengo to show you that they're not fucking around here?
I guess it's just not enough anymore to simply assure you audience ingrates via some remote recording studio that they could beat all of your sissy, aging hipster asses (Although, come on now, who couldn't knock some horn-rimmed weenie on his or her ass, right? Even another horn-rimmed weenie could do that). They wrote and they taped and they roared and rampaged, but you still laughed in their faces!
And it's also apparently no longer good enough for the Matador megastars to go so far as to demonstrate the physical force behind that threat with the kind of ear-blistering, face-peeling, metaphysically ass-pounding power-riffage behind such serious tunes from last year's highly acclaimed LP I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass (TMT Review), such as the muscle-bound "Pass the Hatchet I Think I'm Goodkind," with its 'roid -popping guitar solos and ferociously locked-in beat.
Nope: it seems that for all of their "don't mess with us, we're fucking serious this time" warning signs, you people just can't take the hint. You all HEARD what this band did to that "Mr. Tough" guy, but you still just laughed at all of the cute horn parts and shrugged these guys (and girl) off, and now seems you're a-callin' down the fury.
That's right. Yo La Tengo is sick of your shit, and now they are rolling up their sleeves, puffing out their chests, outfitting their hands with badass fingerless gloves, stocking up on toothpicks and sunglasses, and COMING OVER TO YOUR PLACE to throw down. If you live in one of these select cities... uh, and if you're going to be in those particular cities on these specific dates... uh, then I'm afraid you are going down, my friend. And may God have mercy on you. Not even someone as bad-ass as Uncle Jesse can save you now.
Scheduled Beat-downs (with some tales, stories, and chit-chat):
09.09.07 - London, UK - Royal Festival Hall
09.10.07 - Brussels - Botanique
09.11.07 - Paris - Le Trabendo
09.12.07 - Brighton - Concorde
09.14.07 - Dorset/Wiltshire - End of the Road Festival
09.16.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park - Austin City Limits Festival
09.17.07 - Austin, TX - The Parish
09.29.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl
10.09.07 - Pittsburgh, PE - Warhol Museum
10.10.07 - Bloomington, IN - Buskirk-Chumley Theater
10.11.07 - Chicago, IL - Lakeshore Theater
10.12.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Discovery Museum
10.13.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - Calvin College Fine Arts Center
10.19.07 - Port Washington, NY - Jeanne Rimsky Theater at Landmark on Main Street
10.20.07 - Woodstock, NY - Colony Cafe
10.22.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
10.23.07 - Alexandria, VA - Birchmere
11.10.07 - North Adams, MA - Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art
My phone’s been ringing all day. I swear, it’s the fucking telemarketers – why don’t these people get real jobs? I mean, usually when someone harasses you, ya get to call the cops. But these guys? No. They make money off it. And what makes them think I want the new Okkervil River CD anyway? This is an invasion of privacy. Where’s my piece of mind for... ((RING! F-in RING!)) One sec.
Wait, how many easy payments is it? Wow, that is a good deal. Okay, gimme a minute to dig out my card. Stop rushing me, I'm acting fast... It comes with a complimentary jewel case and list of upcoming tourdates? Oh crap, amazing. I am gonna be the coolest guy on the block. Okay, my credit card number is XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX. Hey, where’d you go? Hello? Hello?
# Damien Jurado
% Vic Chesnutt
I don’t have the internet. Yeah, no internet. It has been this way for quite some time too. Apparently the lovely people at RCN would rather not be paid. Anyway, there are 23 wireless networks in my apartment building, and yet not a single one is without a password. I have just been arbitrarily typing passwords into them with no success. Outside of the fact that this keeps me from my daily routine of posting inflammatory comments on video game message boards about how the Wii is the superior video game console due to the intuitive nature of its controller, it also keeps me from being able to actually add any facts into this news piece. So, here are some references that might be funny in context...
1. Welcome Back Kotter
a) Horshack (SEE! I don’t even know if that is spelled correctly due to the lack of Wikipedia)
b) A potential crossover series where Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell runs Buchanan High
i) The hilarity that could perspective ensue
i) “Up your nose with a rubber hose” and other rhyming body parts/gardening implements
I actually may reuse this at a later time. Get psyched.
2. Corey Matthews
3. The Disney Channel Original series Hannah Montana
a) The fact the Hannah’s brother “Jackson” is apparently played by a 30-year-old man (again, the lack of internet keeps me from citing this)
OH MY GOD. NEW NETWORK OPENED. THE PASSWORD IS "PASSWORD."
THANK YOU “APT 815” for your wireless internet.
You’ve got to be kidding... Okay, while there is a signal, there is no actual connection to the internet. I’m beside myself.
b) The unclear nature of the character “Robbie Ray” who has a murky background that alludes to him being a rock star but never directly states if he IS Billy Ray Cyrus.
i) Billy Ray Cyrus being on a television show in the year 2007
4. Anti-Flag’s entire discography
a) Die For Your Government, in particular
I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I CAN GET ONTO THIS NETWORK, BUT THERES NO INTERNET CONNECTION. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE
a) CIA agents not being allowed to purchase FurbiesÂ® out of fear that they would record secrets and send them to… the Russians?
i) I may have made this one up
ii) The Cold War
6. IMDB Forum
7. The rapidly changing characters in High School Music 2
8. The Adventures Of Pete and Pete
b) Artie, the strongest man. IN THE WORLD!
i) Is he at all happy with his life
This is another thing I hate about not having the internet. I have a propensity for making jokes at the expensive of dead/incarcerated people, and I need to fact-check them before I submit... but without the internet, this is impossible. For all I know, Artie, the strongest man IN THE WORLD!, befell a tragic end and was written out of the show.
9. Summer Sanders
10. Costco, in general
a) The white-chocolate Capitol Buildings for sale, in specific
11. The bread from Trader Joe’s, which is covered in bible quotes.
a) Yeah, it exists
12. The Houston Oilers
a) Warren Moon
13. Kirby Puckett & Billy Blanks
Yup, good story, went to a Starbucks to steal wi-fi and send this.
OH internet, how I have missed you. Okay. Um.
The Most Serene Republic is touring.
They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew! OMG what RELEVANT content!
FACT: Spencer Krug has been detained by the U.S. government before.
FACT: Spencer Krug is a fucking badass.
OPINION: Spencer Krug should totally give up on Sunset Rubdown and work on Wolf Parade full-time.
FACT: The new Sunset Rubdown album is called Random Spirit Lover.
FACT: I like Sunset Rubdown.
FACT: I like Wolf Parade more.
OPINION: I think chai tea with milk is the best.
RUMOR: Wolf Parade should have a new LP out by the end of this year.
FACT: Sunset Rubdown's newest LP will drop on October 9.
FACT: If Chuck Norris and Spencer Krug got in a fight, Krug would kick his ass while simultaneously playing three different songs from Wolf Parade, Sunset Rubdown, and Frog Eyes.
FACT: The tourdates below will get you close to Spencer Krug's junk. Promise.
* Black Mountain, Oakley Hall + Lightning Dust
# Johnny and the Moon and Magic Weapon
BMI Promises a Pay Day Full of Nuts When Distributing $732 Million in Royalties; Music Industry Heading Toward Licensing
Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI) has announced that it will distribute more than $732 million in royalties for the 2006-2007 fiscal year to its (presumably) starving songwriters, copyright owners, and composers. This is an astonishing 8% increase since last year. BMI is giving "madd props" and attributing the rise to its robust music catalog, the successful licensing of music with a wide range of media, revenue growth in foreign markets, and corporate whores like will.i.am.
Revenues from various media sources, including cable, video services, and satellite audio, grew by $11 million, and revenue from restaurant, retail, and service establishments grew to more than $93 million. The overall estimate of record-setting revenues was over $839 million. This is a milestone for BMI, as these increases in revenue represent the highest annual revenues and royal distributions ever reported by a performing rights society.
So, I formally tip my hat to you, BMI, king of all kings. If it wasn't for your assimilation into the music world's current viral state, many of us would not have been accustomed to such musical honesty as that of will.i.am.
An excerpt from will.i.am's partially misogynistic hit, "I Got It From My Mama":
And if the girl real pretty,
Nine times out of ten,
She pretty like her mama.
And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gon' be ugly like her mama.
Truer words have never been spoken. will.i.am. is like the Henry David Thoreau of our times, and BMI is like the family pencil factory that Thoreau worked at. And if that makes Fergie the current Ralph Waldo Emerson, then I would be obliged to say that we are in good hands. Cheers to you, BMI. Thanks for making 2007 "the year of years."