The Story of the Jock Who Clapped His Hands And Said Yeah; A Short Fictional Tale By Scout Leader Kyle
It was always hot in August; Ohio was good for that. It was fair time here in ol' Champaign County, the time of year for 15 year olds to get drunk and hook up in the campers and barns. The year was 2006, and a friend and I decided to head down to the county fair, only to realize that, if we wanted to live happy lives, our existence in this shitty area needed to be short-lived. My friend was wearing a really happening green Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt, and I was wearing a brown Clap Your Hands Say Yeah shirt with pink font. It was sexy, and I loved me some CYHSY at the time.
As we walked on the dirt, smelling the essence of pig shit and fair food, we were confronted by a number of random guys. Typically, these manly men would be sporting a Holister baseball cap, leather sandals, American Eagle shorts, a Hot Topic metal bracelet, and an Abercrombie shirt. They were being loud, obnoxious, and would typically "clap their hands" and shout "yeah!" while hangin' with their buddies.
One of the boys (the most obnoxious one) went by the name "George." George had no clue that Clap Your Hands Say was an amazing band that took the independent music world by storm with their self-released, self-titled debut album back in 2005. So what did George do? You guessed it. He "clapped his hands" and said "yeah."
The next day the police department found George on top of a camper, rotting and chewing on his castrated nuts.
Moral of the story: If you don't want to end up like George, I suggest you get some schooling and see CYHSY live at these dates:
* Elvis Perkins in Dearland
Janet Reno Mackin’ On America, To Discover America Likes Her as a Friend and Digs Pam Anderson, Angelina Jolie, and Ladies that Wear Lacy Panties, Reno To Read Cosmopolitan for Petty Booty-Shaking Empowerment, Reno Compiles a “Get Wit’ Me” Mix CD and Breathily Whisper in America’s Ear “Here, Listen to Devendra Banhart and Andrew Bird While I Slip Into Something More Comfortable and Then We Can Both Steam-Up Your Great, Big, Melting Pot…”
Halfway through an oh-so-lonely spin of La-La-La Lohan’s “Rumors” this fourth of July, Janet Reno got sick of her post-cold cream bedtime routine: singing into her hairbrush and getting down to JAMZ behind closed doors, where only she could appreciate her smooth, supple breasts sagging on her robust figure, her chick-with-a-mission hairdo, and her tasteful cotton panties.
Long since holding onto a dream that looks don’t matter to her MAJAHH CRUSHHHH!, a friend of a friend told Janet that America, who she had long since been putting the moves on, digs that FUGLY SLUT Pam Anderson. And Angelina Jolie. And Jennifer Aniston.
WHAAAAAAT????? AMERICA LIKES HOT CHICKS????? WHAT ABOUT BRAINS????
“AMERICA IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, JANET,” said the friend.
Janet was heartbroken.
After deciding a boob job would jerk the chain of that whole female-empowerment thing she has going for her, she changed into her pajamas (a shoulder-padded feet pajamas business suit of breathable fabric) and remembered youth (acne, headgear, never getting asked to a prom), and at that moment got WAY EMPOWERED. Following a road paved by every ugly girl who pretends it doesn’t bother them to look like ass, Reno flipped through Cosmo for tips on tightening her abs and cried halfway through sit-up number three.
“I’m sick of being alone!” said Reno, sniffling, while her hairline sweat profusely.
Though sit-ups weren’t happening, neither was sitting at home in her pajamas.
Reno was going out tonight.
After caking on some glitter-ific Caboodles, hoisting her ever-saggy boobs into a killer halter top, and slumping her lady-lump into rhinestone-decaled jeans, she decided in order to declare her orgasmic mack-mackin’ love o’ America, she would stop at nothing -- even if it came to a good, dirty mud wrestle with Pam Anderson.
So, rather than locking her door and sitting under the sheets with smutty issues of TIME, Newsweek and Life, she rolled out to DA’ CLUBZ, did some body shots wit’ DA’ BOYZ, made out with a few chicks (...for attention... yeah, attention...), and awoke next morning on a street corner, naked and alone.
Her hair smelled of vomit.
Vowing never to shake her most generously-endowed groove thing again, Reno resigned herself to the I’ll-love-you-from-afar existence of the intellectual elite, resulting in this subtle mix CD. A tribute to a love she’ll never have.
Reno took two years to compile this American tribute mix, a 3CD, 50-song compilation, to be released September 18 (Three Tigers), including tracks from Andrew Bird, Danielson, Devendra Banhart, and John Mellencamp. Seriously.
Bigger Boobs=Happiness, I Wanted This Land To Be My Land, You Are Beautiful In Every Single Way, America:
Earl Bullhead - "Lakota Dream Song"
Julie Lee - "Once More Our God Vouchesafe To Shine"
Blind Boys of Alabama - "Let Us Break Bread Together"
John Wesley Harding - "God Save the King"
Elizabeth Foster - "Young Ladies in Town"
Malcolm Holcombe - "The Old Woman Taught Wisdom"
Ed Pettersen - "The Liberty Song"
Harper Simon - "Yankee Doodle"
The Wilders - "Jefferson & Liberty"
Steven Kowalczyk-Santoro - "Hail Columbia"
Take 6 - "Star Spangled Banner"
Beth Nielsen Chapman - "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child"
Freedy Johnston - "Peg and Awl"
BR549 - "Sweet Betsy From Pike"
Will Hill and Jehnean Day Washington - "Trail of Tears"
Minton Sparks and Pat Flynn - "Declaration of Sentiments"
Fisk Jubilee Singers - "Go Down Moses"
Mavericks [ft. Thad Cockrell] - "Dixie's Land"
Marah - "John Brown's Body"
Joanna Smith - "Battle Hymn of the Republic"
Janis Ian - "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye"
Tim O'Brien - "Thousands Are Sailing to Amerikay"
Otis Gibbs - "The Farmer Is the Man"
Joni Harms - "Home on the Range"
Jake Shimabukuro - "Stars & Stripes Forever"
Jen Chapin - "Over There"
Andrew Bird - "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down on the Farm"
Karen Parks - "Lift Every Voice and Sing"
Danielson - "Happy Days Are Here Again"
Andy Bey - "Brother Can You Spare a Dime?"
Jim Lauderdale - "Seven Cent Cotton and Forty Cent Meat"
Old Crow Medicine Show - "Deportee"
Suzy Bogguss - "Rosie the Riveter"
Folk Family Robinson (Black Crowes with Stan Robinson) - "Reuben James"
Scott Kempner - "Apache Tears"
Elizabeth Cook and the Grascals - "The Great Atomic Power"
Devendra Banhart - "Little Boxes"
The Del McCoury Band - "The Times They Are A-Changin'"
Kim Richey - "Get Together"
The Dynamites / Charles Walker - "Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud"
Ben Taylor - "Ohio"
Anthony David - "What's Going On"
Martha Wainwright - "I Am Woman"
Matthew Ryan - "Youngstown"
Bettye LaVette - "Streets of Philadelphia"
Gary Heffern / Chris Eckman - "Wave"
Shortee - "The Message"
Judith Edelman / Neilson Hubbard - "Sleep, My Child (Schlof Mayn Kind)"
The Wrights - "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"
John Mellencamp - "This Land Is Your Land"
Super Furry Animals Back Soon with New LP and Summer Tourdates; Saskatchewan Fencing Association Still Upset at Having to Share Its Initials with Rock Group but Enjoying Rash of Stray Website Hits from Drunk Googlers
Hey Venus!, Super Furry Animals’ eighth proper studio album, will be released August 27 via Rough Trade. The “Show Your Hand” single will be out a fortnight earlier, on August 13. Here is the trackli--.... wait, hold on a sec... is one of the songs below seriously called “Baby Ate My Eight Ball”? Surely the best song title ever! You can have your “Every Time I Eat Vegetables It Makes Me Think of You,” your “Russian Berries but You’re Quiet Tonight,” your “Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head),” and the entire Fall catalogue, but “Baby Ate My Eight Ball” is better. Given these Welsh eccentrics penchant for perfect pop, folk, psych, and even cod-techno, it will most likely be the best sounding song ever too, until the next one at least.
Hey song titles!
1. The Gateway Song
3. Show Your Hand
4. The Gift
5. Neo Consumer
6. Into the Night
7. Baby Ate My Eight Ball
8. Carbon Dating
10. Battersea Odyssey
Team SFA will be playing shows this summer, most likely with its unique surround sound system in tow, but probably not with its blue and pink tank along for the ride; maybe with a continent of stage dancing fuzzy yetis and definitely packing a back catalogue that reeks of consistency and class and that puts most drippy, flat band outputs to shame. Tourdates:
07.13.07 - Kent, England - Lounge on the Farm
07.14.07 - Coventry, England - Godiva Festival
07.21.07 - London, England/Dublin, Ireland - Lovebox Festival
08.25.07 - Cardiff, Wales - Cooper’s Field, Get Loaded in the Park
08.31.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - Connect Festival
09.02.07 - Jersey, England - Jersey Live
09.15.07 - Derbyshire, England - End of the Road Festival
11.23.07 - Burnham-on-Sea, England - Tunnel Vision Festival
Wales is very infrequently referred to as “the Jamaica of the British Isles.” That's all about to change, because Guto Pryce, dub loving bassist with Welsh national treasures Super Furry Animals, is the latest to have the honor of handpicking tracks from the Trojan Records vaults for release as Furry Selection. “Jamaican music looks forward, dub is ageless because it sounds like nothing else,” says Pryce. “The music that came from Jamaica in the late 60’s and early 70’s is some of the best I’ve ever heard, from anywhere in the world. You can’t believe how lucky I feel to plough through Trojan’s huge catalogue and choose my favourite tracks.” And we are lucky too, because we get to hear yet another musician’s take on the Trojan legacy, and that is never a bad thing. Furry Selection: Luxury Cuts of Trojan by a Super Furry Animal is out now. Here is what Guto chose:
1. Horace Andy - “Skylarking”
2. Lee 'Scratch' Perry - “Curly Locks”
3. Mikey Dread - “Dread Combination”
4. Leo Graham & The Upsetters - “Flashing Echo”
5. Augustus Pablo - “Vibrate Onn”
6. Keith Hudson - “Darkest Night On A Wet Looking Road”
7. Linval Thompson - “Jamaican Colley (version)”
8. U-Roy - “Penny For Your Dub”
9. Tenor Saw - “Ring The Alarm”
10. Leroy Smart & The Aggrovators - “Channel One Feel It”
11. Susan Cadogan - “Do It Baby”
12. The Upsetters - “23rd Dub”
13. Rupie Edwards - “Free The Weed”
14. Bob Marley & The Wailers - “Kaya”
15. Cornell Campbell - “Girl Of My Dreams”
16. Junior Byles - “The Long Way”
I never really bought into that whole U.S. Empire business. Sure, its clear that the United States has always wanted to be an empire, but it was just too lazy to get off its saturated fat ass to actually make it happen. How can a country with a military budget of $439,000,000,000.00 lose a war to Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan? That's the worst empire I've ever heard of.
India, on the other hand, they've got a shot. They've got the numbers, soon they'll have the cash, and they already got the bomb. The earliest signs are already emerging -– okay, it's not the earliest sign, but I think it's important -– as the tech-savvy Indians become the first country in the world to have digital music sales outreach the old-fashioned physical purchases. Not only has the Indian population embraced digital music far more readily than us North Americans, they are also way beyond us in the technology they use to get it. While you're waiting 30 minutes on a DSL line to grab the new Shellac, they're waiting seconds to have it transferred directly to their cell phones.
So, ask your grandma about the finer techniques of the duck 'n' roll, and get ready to use it. The Indians are a force to be reckoned with, and if we look at their ability to embrace technology compared to ours, we're in trouble. The nukes could be homed in on Washington as we speak. Oh but wait... they wouldn't do that, we're the only assholes prepared to blow up the earth –- or space, if Putin will ease up after his and Bush's fishing trip -– for no apparent reason. They'll just pull the old colonial switcheroo, as the American music industry becomes the salt mines of the Indian Raj, and we all cower in the face of the new India-Nokian Empire.
I defer to the YouTube comments for Of Montreal's single "Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse":
- It's fucking brilliant! you lot have no grasp of the surreal! Go back to your grey offices and do some number crunching! -Monkeyslash
- i hate commenting but i have to this kevin person must be the gayest guy in the world -fermata40
- OK THIS IS REALLY SILLY AND STUPID! BUT I LOVE MY MOM AND I DONT WANT HER TO DIE OKAY!?
If you do not copy and paste this onto 10 videos your mom will die in 4 hours -Thewaterofthepool
- Possibly the gayest band in Human history!!!!!! -tigasexy06
- Well, is to indie...Like I told you, I am more alternative-rock-experimental... I do like Indie but this is to much for me...maybe Eric is the one that likes them... -bremex
- its David bowie dancing with a bear head on!!!
Shhhhhhh... listen up, son: You didn’t hear it from me, but Icelandic musical mess-makers Müm just might be tip-toeing across the Atlantic this fall for a clandestine crop of North American anti-shows to support a new top-secret record this fall.
SHHHHHH!!!! I know, I know, that’s amazing news, but KEEP QUIET! Do you wanna blow my cover here?? Don’t say anything to anyone about this, but word on the street is that the timid-voiced, cold-weather collective of hushed post-rock troubadours will release their newest full-length effort of tiny tinklings, Go Go Smear the Poison Ivy, September 24 via FatCat Records. And a little bird told me that the album was recorded at a variety of locations, including the music school in the small fishingtown of Ãsafjörður in the west fjords of Iceland, where the band made use of the schools various instruments. But again, don’t tell anyone I told you.
Although the band is now seven members strong, the new album and tour will mark the first time Müm will appear without longtime member Kristín Anna Valtýsdótti (a.k.a. Kria Brekkan), who you may recall recently snuck-off with husband and fellow out-freaker Avey Tare of Animal Collective to make some nifty backwards music together. With seven members, though, it’s a wonder how these guys can keep anything quiet these days...
Hey, think you can keep another secret? Okay then. Come closer: the typically-fancifully-titled LP may or may not be quietly preceded by the single “They Made Frogs Smoke Till They Exploded,” which FatCat describes as a “chirpy song about animal cruelty.” Let’s just pray that “chirpy” doesn’t mean “loud.”
But either way, if you live near one of these cities, you’d better keep your lips zipped, put on your best disguise, and tip-toe your way down to one of these hush-hush venues to catch some of this top secret music for yourself. But let’s get our stories straight first: We’ve never met, I don’t know you, and you’ve never seen me before in your life, got it? Just trust me, don’t say anything to anyone about this shit becau... hey... HEY! Where are you GOING!?!?
It’s a Secret to Everyone:
An Open Letter To St. Vincent (a.k.a. Ms. Annie Clark):
Ms. Clark... or can I call you Annie?... Annie, I hope this letter finds you well. I'm sure your world is buzzing, what with the release of your debut album rapidly approaching on July 10. But then again, you're no stranger to the music biz (as we like to call it) after the release of The Polyphonic Spree's The Fragile Army, an album on which you played. As an aside, I do have to say I'm very glad you didn't drink the Kool-Aid that Jim Jones -- er, Tim DeLaughter -- had to offer. You're better off on your own than in that sea of robes, anyway.
But with releasing an album, doing press, and touring with Scout Niblett (!), I'll bet your life is going to be pretty hectic. Point being, I want to be your rock. If you accept my proposal and Marry Me, I can prepare us a warm, cozy home for you to return to when all of this brouhaha dies down. I'll water the plants and scramble the eggs, and all you have to do is sing me your beautiful songs when we wake up in the morning. You know what they say: "Behind every great female songstress, there's a great online music news writer." I know in the title track to your album you ask some "John" to marry you, but honestly, what does John have that I don't? An 'h' and an 'n'? Come on! And I know you have a thing for 'J' names, as proven by your work with SufJan Stevens.
Well, Joe here, and I'm ready to settle down. Hit me up.
Marry Me tracklist:
07.06.07 - Denton, TX - Hailey’s*
07.07.07 - Austin, TX - The Parish*
07.08.07 - Houston, TX - Walter’s*
07.09.07 - New Orleans, LA - The Parish / House of Blues*
07.10.07 - Decatur, GA - Wordsmiths Books In-Store (solo)
07.11.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl*
07.12.07 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle*
07.13.07 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506*
07.14.07 - Washington, DC - The Rock and Roll Hotel*
07.15.07 - Philadelphia, PA - North Star Bar*
07.17.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom*
07.18.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East*
07.19.07 - Montreal, QC - La Sala Rossa*
07.20.07 - Toronto, ON - Horseshoe Tavern*
07.21.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Tavern*
07.22.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle*
07.24.07 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th Street Entry*
07.25.07 - Omaha, NE - The Waiting Room*
07.26.07 - Kansas City, MO - Record Bar*
07.27.07 - Denver, CO - Hi-Dive*
07.28.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - In The Venue*
07.30.07 - Vancouver, BC - Lamplighter #
08.01.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge#
08.03.07 - San Francisco, CA - Cafe du Nord #%
08.04.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo #
08.05.07 - San Diego, CA - Casbah #
08.07.07 - Phoenix, AZ - Modified #
08.08.07 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
08.09.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Launchpad
09.01.07 - Seattle, WA - Bumbershoot
* Scout Niblett
# Death Vessel
% Ferraby Lionheart
# Born Ruffians
Melody Day, the single EP from the forthcoming Andorra, out on July 10:
1. Melody Day
2. Melody Day (Four Tet remix) featuring Luke LaLonde, Adem and One Little Plane
3. Zoe *
* not on the 7-inch
This is what we call investigative journalism. Hearing that Aesop Rock had made his new album None Shall Pass available for a limited-edition pre-order, I hit the Hip-Hop Database forums to see what the kids were saying. Due to the overwhelming ignorance, I planned to change the names to protect identities and maximize hilarity. However, after 15 minutes of struggling to create funny-sounding aliases, I resolved to just imagine this forum bashing occurring at the Doha Extremism Debate... because sloppy political references are funny?
shaykh Hamza Yusuf: heheh you ready? Im'a ghost write for aesop!
platypus splash mercury sting hamburger in in sperm blimp retrospection
crack epileptic stepfather villianous vaginal postal erection
tunafish spongecake japanese head cold balls piece of paper
venereal disease laptop 67 mustang lobster windshield scraper
actually, this shits too good for aesop, half of the time that MF dont even ryhme.
John Esposito (founding director of the Centre for Muslim-Christian Understanding at Georgetown University): yeah right,,
arock is tight...basically..compare YOUR rhymes..on a cassette player..(oh sorry..cd player)..rRIGHT next to his....PROLLEM Solved.///..
Diana Buttu (former spokesperson for the Palestinian Authority): more like asuk rock
Archbishop Desmond Tutu: he's different...he's gonna have haters and homies
For the homies, the disc is available for pre-order now. The first 500 copies will be signed and include stickers and a poster. The title track is available for free download from the Adult Swim/Definitive Jux collaboration Definitive Swim and torrent sites everywhere.
Fans of all things twee, fey, and cute: get out those pixie stix and rejoice! Athens, GA-based Kindercore Records is back! Now hold on, you Thurston acolytes & No Fun Fest-ers, don't tune out yet; Kindercore isn't much different from the obscure labels you love today. It too (occasionally) releases ‘albums’ on cassette, just like some of your most beloved limited-edition-friendly labels. Plus, its roster's musical style (mostly fun, bouncy, smart-but-saccharine pop tunes with a fair amount of Brit-inva love) is... well... something most underground music fans can only handle in small doses. On second thought, Kindercore is probably the exact opposite of everything your scratchy, distorted heart holds dear -- no way around it.
During the label's initial run (1996-2003), Kindercore was, at times, ahead of the curve. Kindercore fostered Of Montreal when they were using more guitars than keyboards, and Norway was just a twinkle in Kevin Barnes' eye. They put out the best Essex Green records before Merge jumped on their bandwagon, and I Am The World Trade Center's name was one of the first things to offend overly sensitive “patriots” in the days following September 11, 2001.
After some bad business dealings in its last few years, the label was forced to shutter (against founders Ryan Lewis & Daniel Geller's wishes) by its financial backers. Lewis & Geller only recently were awarded legal rights to the Kindercore name and musical catalog, and decided to bring KR back from the dead. The label plans to sell its catalog on iTunes, while putting out new releases from local groups King of Prussia, Ruby Isle, and USSR. It hopes to provide other kinds of entertainment and info, too, with future plans to release comics (an anthology, The Trouble Revolution, has already been announced) and feature videos, contributions from writers, t-shirt designers, and other surprises on its website. If all that doesn't put a smile on your face, then you probably stopped reading a long time ago.