The time is now, reader baby. Our jeans could maybe get a little slimmer.
Chin Up Chin Up is touring with The Ponys, and I say, before lacing up our fancy kicks, ruffling our enviable hairdos, and high-tailing it to a venue near us:
I’m talking chin-ups. So many chin-ups.
Not a joke.
Think back, reader baby. Remember gym class? Chin-ups on the grimy bar all the other 5th graders had gripped with their sweaty and clammy hands so your own (sweaty and clammy hands) would lose grip as your youthful chin pulled on up?
In elementary school, I could hold my chin up on that bar for, like, a good 11.5 seconds.
Now, reader baby sweetheart, I’d be lucky if I had enough upper body strength to:
1. Push a shopping cart into a stack of magazines down Aisle 5 with my oh-so-precious one and only lover, while understanding the difference between Miles and Coltrane, wearing grey sweatpants and no makeup, and being so perfect in the eyes of said lover
2. Give a good-old-fashioned hot n’ sudsy shampoo to Bret Michaels followed by a nimble-fingered French-braid
3. Beat Ananda Lewis in a bitch-slap
4. Grab a chocolate pie off of a windowsill faster than hungy-hungry Raven Simone*
5. Hold myself on a breaking tree branch over a lagoon of Jello made from Steven Tyler’s sweat
6. Balance the small, malnourished kid from Little Giants on my shoulders after the big win
7. Balance Rick Moranis’ character in Little Giants on my shoulders after the big win
8. Balance Rick Moranis’ shrunken-kids on my shoulders after (some yet-to-be identified) Honey, I Shrunk the Kids big win
9. Rub Conor O’s biceps down with IcyHot while suspended from a bungee cord
10. Carry groceries across the street for little old women
11. Save puppies
12. RAISE DA’ ROOF
14. Hand dance to “I think We’re Alone Now”
15. Arm wrestle Tiffany “New York” for a shot at a lick-happy make-out sesh with bumptious but loveable softy Chance
16. Slam dunk a b-ball with Aaron Carter and Shaq (as chronicled in “That’s How I Beat Shaq”)
17. Be jacked enough to be invited to “Aaron’s Party”
18. Or break up a fight at Aaron’s Party
19. And respond to the call of duty and alert Aaron that his parents have (OMFG) arrived
20. Oh My God, LIKE WTF, AARON
21. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING WHY WOULD THEY COME HOME SO EARLY, AC?
22. I thought Nick said he’d cover you
23. Or is he too busy macking that 13-year-old
24. Yeah, he is
25. DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT THEY HAVEN’T SEEN AUNT JANE IN FOREVER
26. GREAT NOW NICK IS LEAVING WITH HOWIE D., SOME BROTHER
27. NOW SHAQ’S GOING TO GET NAILED FOR SUPPLING DA’ DRINK
28. KAZAAM IS KA-OVER
29. THANKS TO YOU, YOU DIRTY FRENEMY
30. I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN BEAT SHAQ
Obviously, chin-ups would do so much good.
Boom, I put it in the Hoop Like Slam; Chin Up Chin Up Tourdates:
# The Thermals
$ The Ponys
*But to be fair, who could?
Everybody’s doin’ it. The All Tomorrow’s Parties-engineered “Don’t Look Back” concert series has it as its manifesto. Sonic Youth jumped into the fray large-style this year by playing Daydream Nation all over the place. Everyone relives their past glories at some point and everyone comes back in style (usually for a buck or two), so it should come as no surprise that legendary 1960s combo The Zombies will be playing two shows next year in London. I know what you’re thinking: “Yeah. So?” Well, what if I was to tell you that these shows, although ridiculously future-dated, are a two-night residency at Shepherds Bush Empire during which the band will celebrate the 40th anniversary of the release of its masterwork Odessey and Oracle by playing the album in its entirety? Did you just say, “Yeah. So?” You little $#!%s!
Well, I’m sure some octogenarians out there care. According to Colin Blunstone’s site, the band will kowtow to popular demand and give keen trainspotters and fans alike the old “play your album and play it in its entirety in proper running order without any tricks” routine. The band’s members have resisted to scratch that reunion itch up until now, having instead concentrated on their other projects since The Zombies’ heyday (golden-voiced singer Blunstone has enjoyed a long-running solo career and keyboardist Rod Argent had some sporadic success with his self-named band Argent, mostly with the huge hit “Hold Your Head Up”). As for the other Zombies, I’m not sure what they have been up to. Possibly living off the royalties of “Time of the Season,” “Tell Her No,” and “She’s Not There”? No matter. All living Zombies will reunite for two nights to play the classic album as well as other Zombies songs and some solo material.
03.07.08 - London, England - Shepherds Bush Empire
03.07.08 - London, England - Shepherds Bush Empire
A group who has already been there/done that as far as the reunion thing goes is Os Mutantes. The Brazilian psychedeli-tropicalista legends will release a double CD and DVD of their back-to-life, back-to-reality performance in London last year on November 13 through Luaka Bop. Here is the Live at Barbican Theatre tracklisting:
1. Don Quixote
2. Caminhante Noturno
3. Ave Gengis Khan
6. Cantor de mambo
7. El Justiciero
9. I'm Sorry Baby
10. Top Top
11. Dia 36
1. Fuga Nâ II
2. Le Premier Bonheur du Jour
3. Dois Mil e Um
4. Ave Lucifer
5. Balada do Louco
6. I Feel a Little Space Out
7. A Hora e a Vez do Cabelo Nascer
8. A Minha Menina
9. Bat Macumba
10. Panis et Circenses
I don't know if you guys have heard or not, but apparently all the kids are downloading music. Totally putting his neck out there, Sony BMG's President of Global Digital Business & U.S. Sales Thomas Hesse was recently quoted as predicting that digital downloading is, get this, growing. Something tells me that seemingly prestigious title is compensating for something. With 30% of the company's sales coming digitally in the U.S. in 2007, predictions find that number growing by as much as 10% in 2008.
Taking his head out of his ass for a minute, Hesse did have some useful in$ight to share, admitting that digital sales are "not enough to make up for the overall decline in sales." Offering a glimmer of hope for anyone with a soul, he also noted the "flattening of growth" in the sale of ringtones, but continued to remark on the potential of ringback tones, citing a big opportunity in "full track downloads to phone." Apparently, it's huge in Korea. Hooray.
With the focus on digital music, though, Hesse -- the little optimist that he is -- called the "glass half full" and with another breakthrough said that the companies must "make access easier, the offerings more compelling and allowing music to be freely shared on social networks." That, allegedly, "is the future." Fascinating. In other news, I hear these folks at Apple have this device brewing... iRod, or something. You heard it here first. Oh, and these dirty rocker kids -- Chronic Youth, I think they're called -- they really have something going for them. Could be huge.
TMT broke into Ghostface's house and stole his diary in the name of good journalism. The entries date back from July of this year and run all the way through yesterday. In between entries, there were some provocative Polaroids and revealing letters from fans. We hope to sell it all eventually. For now, here are some selected entries:
July 15: ART
Meant to mention that last week I went with the school to this place called the ‘Tate Modern.’ Weird as hell. Meant to be all this ART there – but seemed to be full of piles of bricks and films of men jumping around with no clothes on. My ex non girl friend Cills's eyes were glued to his willie flapping around. Weird smirk on her face made me feel uncomfortable as to what she was thinking. The person taking us round said ‘This is MODERN ART and it shows all sorts of different ways of seeing world and that is why piles of bottles and bricks and things stuck together tell us something different about our surroundings.’ Looked as though he didn't believe a word of it. Personally couldn’t see the difference between that and the bowls that we pissed into in the lavatories myself, but then apparently there was this bloke who did sell lavatory bowls (or is that bowels ha,ha!) as art, as well.
August 1: DOGS
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who shared an experience she had with her daughter and a pit bull-type dog. Vicki, her husband, and their nine-year-old child were walking through the Renaissance Festival when they came across a dog that looked like a pit bull. Upon seeing the dog, Lisa's husband pointed at it and said to their daughter, "That's the kind of dog you want to stay away from." I witnessed a similar experience at a festival in Northfield, in which a mother said almost exactly the same thing to her young child. Both children in theses instances were animal lovers and wanted to pet the dog. I can understand why both parents said this to their children. Who could blame them? They're looking out for the safety of their children. But I can't help but feel a little sad that instead of evaluating the dogs and asking if they could pet them, both dogs were categorized on body-type and shunned.
August 20: J
Nervous about meeting "J" tonight.
September 14: BREASTS
My breasts ache, which is almost silly because they're so tiny. I'll admit they are bigger than they were last week, and certainly nicer looking. Always hard at the little pink tips. But God they hurt. Mom came in earlier and we actually had a nice talk. I told her I wished she hadn't told Dad about my period, and she apologized but said she only did it because she knew how proud he would be of his little girl's becoming a woman. She changed the water in my heating pad and rubbed my stomach for a long time. We didn't need to say anything to each other for a long while, and still I felt like we were talking. She crawled into bed with me for about an hour after that and let me fall asleep on her shoulder. We shared a soda when I woke up, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like we were really close. I hope I can sleep through the night tonight.
October 9: WU-TANG/SOLO
I know everybody can't wait until the release of 8 Diagrams, but I wonder how many people care about my solo album?? I want to release it the same day, yeah? YEAH!! I shall name it The Big Dough Rehab. It shall be released December 4 on Def Jam. I shall promote it starting today!! OWOOOOOGAH!!!!
Ever the Musicologist, Billy Corgan Supports Creation of a Robert Moog Museum, Secretly Hopes to Gain Leverage in the Eventual Creation of a “Billy Corgan Museum”
Who says Billy Corgan isn’t a compassionate man???
Just because the man can’t seem to go 12 months without firing a bandmate or two, and just because he’s got a larynx like a prepared piano, and just because he’s constantly walking around the world looking like this doesn’t mean the man doesn’t have good qualities somewhere inside that alien skull of his, right?
Possible case in point: the cantankerous Corgan, ever eager to solidify his reputation as some sort of holier-than-you musical guru, is currently taking time out from his presumably full-time fucking job of publicly defending the Zeitgeist (TMT Review) cover art to lend a hand in the preservation of the musical legacy of a REAL musical guru and incredibly influential electronic synthesizer pioneer Robert Moog by supporting the creation of a museum dedicated to his (uh, that’s Moog’s... not Corgan’s) life and work. In fact, the stylish Smashing Pumpkins frontman is currently working with the Bob Moog Foundation to establish the museum and scholarships in his name (again, that’s Moog’s name... not Corgan’s... or at least I damn-well hope so).
No word yet as to whether ol’ High-Horse Willy is actually supporting this museum thing financially or whether he’s simply using that squawk box of his to simply raise a stink and get his pictures in some online zines. But one thing’s for sure: when Corgan raises his shrill, disagreeable, bleating-goat voice, it’s sort of impossible to tune it out. So, lets just get right to it.
"I believe Bob Moog to be one of the great visionaries of our time," said the more-educated-than-thou Corgan, sounding an awful lot like your college roommate. "His ideas far transcend use in just music, and to this day continue to have impact in everything from rock to rap to quantum physics. I strongly believe many people all over the world would benefit from being able to interact with the thoughts, ideas, inventions, and life of Dr Moog." Uh, Billy? It’s getting kind of hard to see you up there on top of all of those soap boxes...
But in all seriousness, folks, when Moog died in 2005, he apparently left his archives in a state of disrepair. At this point, Corgan and the Moog Foundation are fastidiously working to restore and preserve them in the museum, which is, despite Billy Corgan coming off like his usual asshole self, a pretty musically worthwhile endeavor, wouldn’t you say? For further information, feel free to visit Moogfoundation.org. From there, you can read more about Moog’s accomplishments, make a donation, and learn more about the Moog foundation.
Just, kind of, you know, try to ignore that feeling of inferiority that you’ll get knowing that everyman Billy Corgan already beat you there.
Capitol Hill Gets All Up in David Banner’s Grill, Banner Claims America Worships Golden Calf: Arnold Schwarzenegger
In an ongoing effort by Capitol Hill biz-nass suits to kill any opportunity of their ever-earning street cred, the conflict o’ vulgar language in hip-hop continues.
In a late September hearing before the House consumer protection subcommittee, Levell Crump, who goes by David Banner, expressed his discontent over, well, Capitol Hill’s discontent.
He was joined by Percy Miller (Master P), an artist who himself now promotes a move toward less aggressive lyrics, an endeavor that is no doubt frustrating to Banner.
“When it comes down to it, it’s just a song,” said Banner (apparently). “Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California, but in his movies he killed half of Cambodia and he went to Mars and blew up Mars... but that’s okay because he’s a white man and he’s an actor.”
Though Representative Bobby Rush (D, Ill.) and record execs have no plan to directly censor artists, a friendly compromise could perhaps come in the form of a pact among artists to release tracks pointing aggression away from women and police and toward:
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, Busdriver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says he'd love to know, so Busdriver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says Busdriver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule; the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm Busdriver!"
More funny shit as Busdriver Daedelus, and Antimc tour the U.S.
CAUTION: This bus takes WIDE turns!
I have no idea why they call it AIM*. I suppose the idea is that you “aim” to communicate with your friends by means of a standardized text protocol, lol-ing them into a false sense of security, so that you can rofl their feathers from a distance. Regardless of its unclear etymology, AIM is one of the most popular tools for businesspeople who need to send tiny pictures of winking faces across the world instantaneously. For example
SpencerMorgan: ur 4 hilary rite? ;)
Along with last week’s release of AIM 6.5, AOL (pronounced “owl”) released the plugin AIM Tunes, which allows users to listen to, but not download, music shared by their buddies. It works similarly to iTunes’ shared libraries, but [anywhere on the planet]. No other program is required, however, as the music plays directly through AIM. DRM-infected files, such as those purchased from the iTunes Music Store, will not work with AIM Tunes. But hey, you should have known what you were getting yourself into when you bought those downsampled Fall Out Boy AACs. Enjoy your ringtones.
Using AIM to share music is hardly a new concept. Last May, a developer from AOL Greenhouse released a plugin called Buddy Tunes, which performs the same function as AIM Tunes, but requires users to run iTunes as well. And, years earlier, AIM introduced a far more powerful file-sharing tool called “Get Files.” By allowing users to set up a shared folder, AIM enables its users to download any files, regardless of size, that their buddies are sharing. This shared folder can be any folder on your computer, such as, perhaps, your automatically organized iTunes Music Library. And as you can limit your sharing to people on your Buddy List, there is very little risk of being caught by pesky RIAA agents (just don’t accept messages from the screen name “ReallyIsntAnAcronym”).
How long will it be until someone develops a program in the vein of MyTunes/getTunes/ourTunes that allows you to actually download the music streaming through AIM Tunes? Or does Get Files render AIM Tunes useless? Perhaps the one advantage to AIM Tunes is that it can easily be used to listen to your own music from anywhere, so long as you keep AIM running on your home computer. If you’re a Windows user, you can put AIM Tunes to the test yourself by downloading it here. If you’re a Mac user, I suggest you quietly continue to use Get Files in AIM 4.7 (released in 2004) and hope that AOL continues to forget about you, lol.
* Oh, AOL Instant Messenger. Got it.
John Cage Quotes To Circle Melbourne’s Federation Square October 11-27; TMT Unveils “4.33” (Blog Remix)”
Honda and Sony BMG team up to create world’s most boring news story ever. I also take full liberty with the use of asterisks. I also just kicked ass on my 19th Century American Lit midterm, so you should get me tickets to Art Brut and the Hold Steady in Chicago. I also heard that Emceegreg and Mr P are having unchristian relations*.
This week (the week before Justice plays the Metro -- a show I have yet to score tickets for, hint hint) marks the kickoff of Honda's groundbreaking ad campaign. You ask, what is this new ad campaign? Well, Honda knows their audience and they know their audience loves cutting-edge music. So, they will now be sponsoring online releases of songs and videos via a media player that will feature exclusive Honda branding, original 15-second pre-roll ads and interactive buttons that will direct viewers and listeners seeking more information about the brand to the Honda Web site. What cutting edge artists are they to sponsor? Well, such innovators as Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Dido, Alicia Keys, The Fray.**
Sony BMG will be distributing this kick-ass media player (say goodbye to Winamp***) to several bijillion similarly kick-ass websites. The content will also be downloadable to a host, nay a deluge of blogs (did someone say BrooklynVegan?).
The campaign marks the first time that Sony BMG has sold an ad package encompassing all of its new music video releases to a single sponsor via its year-old website, Sony BMG Music Box. The campaign also marks the fifteenth thousand time Sony has done something that I don't care about.****
Jenny Howell, manager of interactive marketing actually said this about the new campaign: "[It] helps create the impression that Honda is cutting edge and on the forefront with our youth target." What? So Honda just appears to be cutting edge? Avril Lavigne doesn't suck? I'm so confused.*****
Edmund Purcell, who oversees the Honda account at RPA, Santa Monica, CA (also of Chronicles of Narnia fame), said he wants the Music Box campaign to be an "experience," a really somniferous experience. He also came up with this great whopper in response to our generation's want of music: "They also understand that without sponsors this kind of content is harder to get." Yeah, I'm really cramping to find that X-Tina B-side. PSYCHE!
One sick thing is these ads/videos can be transportable, so you are able to paste them onto people's MySpace pages!******
After the groundbreaking move by Honda, Sony said they are going to most definitely (dewd) let others in to team up on sponsoring videos and kewl shit. AT&T has reportedly signed on for something.*******
* Probably a lie.
** Not a joke.
*** Attempted joke.
**** That is a lie. I actually just put my first down payment on a 2008 Civic Si complete with angsty necktie hanging from the rearview mirror and Bluetooth capabilities.
***** I forget why I put those asterisks there.
****** myspace.com/protestantthighs - leave me lots of photo comments.
******* Sorry this story was lame, I'll blame it on the recovery time needed for the Shitfaced Newsathon.