Feist To Tour Europe, Girlfriends With Bad Skin and Big Noses To Turn Away in Unvoiced Insecurity When Their Indie Boyfriends Accidentally Whisper “I Love You, Leslie Feist” During Sex; And Oh, Hey, Regina George, Don’t You Be Trippin’ - Feist Taught Lindz LoLo Everything She Knows About Sex Appeal

Janis: Leslie Feist. How do I even begin to explain Leslie Feist?

Girl: Feist is flawless.

Another Girl: She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.

Boy: I heard her hair is insured for $10,000.

Another Girl: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.

Another Girl: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.

Another Girl: One time, she met John Stamos on a plane. And he told her she was pretty.

Another Girl: One time, she punched me in the face... It was awesome!

Girl: I saw Feist wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops...

Let’s be real. La-Lohan ain’t no Mean Girl next to Her Feisty-ness, but she did perform the hot, wet, dancetastic “Rumors,” which runs in the same vein as The Reminder and perhaps bests any literature by Leonard Cohen. Find the two North American tourdates in the list below, find Waldo, find Feist’s used tissues and chewed gum:

Jonathan Davis Ordered by God to Ressurect Superdrag, Also Commanded to Spit-up All of Those Feelings He Sucked Out Without Asking 10 Years Ago

Listen up, all you closet '90s alterna-pop aficionados: The jig is up. I know you're out there, clandestinely listening to Throwing Copper and Nada Surf's High/Low on your non-skip-protected discman while playing Sega 32X, blasting "The Blue Album" and The Bends from the awkwardly placed, trunk-incarcerated 6-disc changer in your Ford Tempo, and taping tracks off of the now-deemed "retro" afternoon radio shows from Tragic Kingdom and What's the Story, Morning Glory? while lamenting that "you never hear anything from Live Through This anymore."

It's alright. Everyone knows. I'm not here to judge you. In fact, I'm actually here to throw you a bit of a conciliatory bone... a '90s-hip, neon-green, Packard-Bell brand bone.

Whether it be at the behest of some kind of "burning bush" trip-out voice or simply because he's finally figured out he can't piece together a reasonable living as a holy-rollin' Christian artist, the born-again John Davis has found it in his infinite wisdom to roll away the stone and raise-up the infamous Superdrag, the veritable Poster-boys for '90s Rock One-Hit-Wonderism, for a fleeting U.S. tour this fall.

This is relatively prophetic news, considering it's been a little more than just three days since this '90s pop staple was nailed to that fated music industry tree. The Knoxville, Tennessee band's original conclave of John Davis (guitar, vocals), Don Coffey Jr (drums), Brandon Fisher (guitar), and Tom Pappas (bass) haven't appeared on-stage together in eight years. And while Superdrag are best-known for their 300k-selling 1996 debut Regretfully Yours and that wonderful old larynx-raking single "Sucked Out," the band released three other albums before calling it quits after 2002's Last Call For Vitriol. Pappas and Fisher left the band following 1998's sophomore album Head Trip In Every Key. Davis released his Christian-influenced solo debut in 2005. What's that? Never heard about that record?! Hmmm...

"We're really looking forward to seeing you at the shows,” sayeth Brother John on the official website. "I think it's cool that fans who discovered Superdrag through In The Valley Of Dying Stars or Last Call For Vitriol who never got a chance to see the original line-up play will now have the opportunity. I think it's cool that people still care about Superdrag. We thank you all from the bottoms of our hearts. Seriously."

The born-again band will also be pressing (well, they probably won't be pressing it themselves, but you know what I'm sayin') a limited run of a new 2-disc rarities compilation titled 4-Track Rock 1992-1995 + Complete "Bender" Sessions which, in addition to being a real unholy bitch to say, will be sold at these venerable shows. And to make matters a little bit more piteous, the band will also be holding a poll to find fans' three (or, if you will, "Holy Trinity" of) favorite songs. According to the band's official website, the winning consubstantial combo of songs will go into the reunion shows' setlist. Surprisingly enough, the '90s band is very hip to the internet technology of the new millennium, so all you have to do is point your new-fangled, high-speed browser toward the Superdrag message board if you want to, you know, vote for "Sucked Out" three times in a row...

Not exactly 40 Day and 40 Nights, but:

And on the Seventh Date, Davis rested...

Target Buys Another Soul, Turns Around And Sells It At A Reasonable Price

Nineties alterna-rock hit-makers Collective Soul (wow, they had about 15 different singles on multiple Billboard charts back in the day) have signed with a major retailer, not a major record label, for their next album. The Georgia-based, quasi-Christian group announced that the aforementioned -- and properly spelled -- record, Afterwords, will be sold exclusively at Target. So, in case you are birthday shopping for your "cool uncle" or want to buy something for a person you hate, Target will be the only place to get the physical CD (download available from iTunes) beginning August 28.

In celebration of this semi-noteworthy alliance, not to mention Collective Soul being synonymous with the "Clinton Years," here is the tracklist to the Jerky Boys: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack:

Make sure to check out CS with Counting Crows and Live on tour this summer. It will be a great way to bond with Uncle Don. Plus, your mom will be happy you are finally listening to "normal music."

Xiu Xiu Put Their Shoe Shoes On And Walk in This Year’s AIDS WALK SAN FRANCISCO; Are Finishing Up New LP with Guests Michael Gira, Deerhoof’s John Dieterich, and Howard Wiley

I have to be honest about this news article. The only witty thing about it is the fact that I used the pronunciation of Xiu Xiu to make a play-on-words type of joke relating to shoes and walking. If I inserted anymore jokes or wittiness, it'd take away from the plethora of Xiu Xiu news I have to share with you. So, from here on out, this news story won't be funny at all. I promise. Let's begin.

You have to hand it to Xiu Xiu. As a very outspoken band, they definitely do their part when it comes to caring about the world. Really, the only thing that could make their planned AIDS walk even cooler would be if they played a set during the AIDS walk. Wouldn't that be the shit? The walk is taking place this Sunday, July 15, and if you don't live near the San Francisco area and want to help out, you can send checks to:

Oh yeah, one more thing! There's a 7-inch picture vinyl limited to 500 on beatismurder records. It's called Untitled David Horvitz Picture Disc and features three tracks from a 12-year-old cassette recently rediscovered by Jamie Stewart. "Imagine a more reduced Knife Play era Xiu Xiu and you already get an idea about what the 3 tracks on this EP (33rpm) sound like."

Okay, done. For now.

This Internet Thing Is Here To Stay: Apple Third Largest Retailer of Music

Wal-Mart and Best Buy remain one and two, respectively, with both ahead of Apple by more than 50%.

- Wal-Mart’s business practices

- Best Buy’s business practices

- Apple’s business practices

Stars Apparently Record Album, Use Nearby Home’s Unprotected Wi-Fi Network to Leak it Before Leaving Studio

I know what you’re thinking. Great, indie-pop news... I’ll make sure to read this as soon as I finish listening to that series of Tilly and the Wall rarities I downloaded!! LOL!!!.

Hey, fuck you hipster; I hear Slint is playing this weekend.

For those of you not in size ‘26’ jeans (or you in the tight jeans too...), keep in mind that they ARE on Art&Crafts and go ahead and fire up your favorite source for acquiring music as Stars leaked their new album In Our Bedroom After the War about 16 minutes after Joe Chiccarelli finished mixing it.

You could trust their word and believe that the only “just” thing to do is put it up for sale immediately as the promos currently being sent out will leak almost immediately.

You could go on to read their “beautiful” little manifesto saying that,

“Throughout this process, the most important people in this value chain, the fans, are given only two options -- wait until September 25th to legally purchase the new album or choose from a variety of sources and download the album for free, at any time.

“We hope you'll choose to support the band, and choose to pay for their album. However we don't think it's fair you should have to wait until September 25th to do so.

“As such, we are making the new Stars album available for legal download today, four days after it's completion... It's our hope that given a clear, legal alternative to downloading music for free, you will choose to support the creators.”

You could believe that this is a sensible response to piracy from a forward-thinking label.

Or, you could believe that Torquil Campbell (no, not the 13th Duke of Argyll) needs to boost his share ratio on a couple of private torrent trackers and this is the only way he knows how to go about it as that set of audiobooks he's seeding are just not downloading.

The album is available now from iTunes and the Arts&Crafts webstore and will be released in physical form September 25.

The Foo Fighters Announce Release Date and Tracklist for Forthcoming Album, Echoes, Silence, Patience And Grace, and I Set a Release for My Frustration with Dave Grohl

I was sifting through my childhood items last week, separating the goods from the "what the hell was I thinking?" the latter of which included my signed photo from Tim Allen. "Be cool to your tools... grr, grr," he wrote on the back. I'm almost married now, and I don't need to use that item to get laid anymore. Suddenly, I came across a letter I had written to Dave Grohl when I was in seventh grade. In light of The Foo Fighters' sixth studio album, Echoes, Silence, Patience And Grace, set for release September 25 on Roswell/RCA (just 14 days after I was violently violated by cats), I decided to share my letter with you all. Please forgive my poor grammar and immaturity; I was only 13.

Dear Asshat,

Thanks for ruining my favorite Mentos commercials for me with your video for "Big Me". You're not funny dude. I hope videos become obsolete in ten years, because your video made me want to eat my own poop. Yeah, it was that bad. Anyways, if Kurt was still alive I bet he'd think you're an asshat too.

I'll have to admit that I like your CD though. It is good. I hope your new album The Colour and the Shape is kick ass man! I bet it will suck though. I hope you never take yourself too seriously. Knowing how big of an asshat you are though you'll probably think your music will change the world when really it will probably only become the theme song to some short-live TV show. Ha, I bet some lamewad, like Sting or Prince, will cover one of your whiney, look-at-me songs for the Super Bowl or something. Ha, I'd seriously eat my own poop if that ever happened.

Anyways, I ain't hatin'. Could you please send me an autographed picture of yourself? So far only Tim Allen has sent me one. That bums me out. At least I've met Zach from Saved by the Bell, Jodie Sweetin, and the Tiny Toons at a car show. I bet I know more celebrities than you. Suck it Grohl!

Your biggest fan,

Emceegreg

I regret writing that letter now. I have no beef with you, Mr. Grohl. In fact, I'm looking forward to your new album, even though you never sent me a reply. The Foo dudes have also just released a reissued and remastered 10th anniversary deluxe edition of The Colour and the Shape featuring six bonus tracks. Wow, six bonus tracks! Maybe I'll sell my Jodie Sweetin autograph so I can buy it, or maybe I'll buy some meth to send to Sweetin. Seriously though, even more than I regret writing this article, I really, really regret eating my own shit.

Echoes, Silence, Patience And Grace tracklist, sequence remains TBD:

Some Handsome New Summer Newsom News: Joanna to Play Some Awfully Real UK and Europe Shows

Are you experiencing rock-club restlessness, dance party dizziness, or hip-hop-related heartburn? Have you found lately that you are more pallid than Jack White, uncharacteristically apathetic about the redundant re-return of The Rentals, or unusually snippy toward that annoying friend of yours from work who seems to be the only person who legitimately listens to Fatboy Slim and Chemical Brothers?

If so, then you might be suffering from an increasingly common disease known as Prodigious Art-Folk Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), an alarming ailment that affects thousands of college-to-middle-aged music fans around the world. PAWS results when repeated abuse of tepid, overwrought, and predictably-linear pop structures leads to severe ear atrophy and unrelenting cravings for a more cerebral, syllabically-stimulating, folk-bent art music.

Luckily, there's a new hope on the metaphor-mixed horizon:

Introducing Newsom (antidoxylamine HCl).

Newsom is a safe, non-non-habit-forming chamber folk artist, made publicly available in Europe later this summer, that you simply listen to once a day (or as directed by a record store clerk) for fast, effective, and long-lasting relief of the kind of alterna-tedium caused by PAWS. Newsom works by targeting specific areas in the brain that show a high response to the harp and chamber ensemble stimuli found on last year's excellent Drag City LP Ys as well as this year's Joanna Newsom and the Ys Street Band EP. In a recent study, subjects who were exposed to the kind of three-dimensional, vivid-yet-obscure story songs found in Newsom increased their ability to concentrate on 12+ minute pieces of music by 45%.

Side affects of Newsom are generally mild and include a shrill, raspy singing voice, an inflamed writ, a secret crush on the stately siren, and, in extreme cases, an increased desire to speak in Middle English (if you experience a bout of Middle English lasting more than four hours, you should stop listening to Newsom and consult your therapist).

Say goodbye to PAWS and hello to the harp-playing Newsom: the "plucky" singer/songwriter!

Newsom is available at the following locations:

KRS-One’s Son Commits Suicide

Tragic news from the hip-hop world, as 23-year-old Randy Hubbard Parker, son of KRS-One, was found dead in his apartment of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. The Fulton County Medical Examiner's office said Parker died Friday, July 6. His mother, Simone G. Parker, claimed Parker was suffering from ‘severe’ depression, an affliction he had been dealing with for some time.

KRS-One is currently on tour with Marley Marl overseas, but has planned a private memorial for Randy on July the 18, with another memorial planned for August.

We offer our deepest condolences to family and friends.

The Internet Radio Royalty Payment Blues by Willie ‘PR Machine’ Bottoms (as recorded on June 26 by TMT field reporter/Dr. Seuess character The Lorax on what should have been a really nice DAT but, after The Lorax spent his stipend on trinkets and po’ boys while visiting New Orleans, turned out to be a TalkBoy)

That Sound Exchange

Made an offer today

To try an’ make internet radio stations’ worries go away

But Save Net Radio still ain’t happy

No, no they ain’t happy at all

Just like

Both of them ain’t happy

And happiiiineeeeessssssssss

[The recorded portion of the tape slowly crawls to an unintelligible stop as our intrepid field reporter has once again failed to account for his TalkBoy’s brief but brilliant battery life with a fresh pack of Duracells... Garbled static cuts to the shortwave polka broadcasts previously recorded on the cassette.]

Notes: Play to the tune of Sweet Home Chicago, except substitute any reference to “California” with Sound Exchange’s proposed $2,500 cap on the minimum $500 per station/channel payments for any one online internet service, which, as part of the Copyright Royalty Board’s (CRB) ruling on the matter, is set to go into effect July 15. Swap any references to “Chicago” with Save Net Radio and DiMA’s polite decline of the “California” offer, describing the proposed offer’s discontinuance in 2008, two years before the CRB’s decision expires, as “a stay of execution for Internet radio.” And any meetings said to take place at “the crossroads” will most likely occur on Capitol Hill or some reasonably accommodating and mutually agreed upon hill that may or may not be a crossroads. Or perhaps even some metaphorical crossroads of internet tubes, organized in, of course, series.