Condoleezza Rice Will Be Performing At Aspen Music Festival

Why is the headline above so simplified? Because no amount of sass on my part could've made it any weirder. No, "Condoleezza Rice" isn't the name of some smart-ass indie band; it's the name of that super sexy smart U.S. Secretary of State that we've all come to know and love. Indeed, the Secretary of State will be attending and playing at the Aspen Music Festival. She'll be giving a talk and playing some tunes at 3 PM August 2 in the Benedict Music Tent.

Condie is a former student at the Aspen Music School and supposedly she's a mean pianist. At age 15, Condie played some Mozart with the Denver Symphony and she's been playin' music ever since. She currently plays with a chamber group in Washington, DC. Seems like something you readers would be interested in knowing about.

Here's her musical background, in full detail:

In the early ’70s, our hott little teenage Rice cake was a student at the school for one summer, while her family was parked in Denver. She fell in love there with another young politician and musician by the name of Sonny Bono. Sonny and Condie fell deeply in love but had to keep it a secret from Sonny's second wife, the famous Cher, who eventually divorced Bono because of Sonny/Condie sex tapes that she found in 1975. After Condie and Sonny's summer of love, the two ended up never seeing each other again, per Sonny's request, and Condie never returned to the music school. The following summer, Condie decided that she didn't want to go to music school, because she wanted to study witchcraft instead. It's said that, while listening to "I Got You Babe," she conjured a spell that would cause Sonny Bono to die on January 5, 1998. Surely such prophetic madness couldn't come true, but it did. Sonny Bono died in a tragic skiing accident on the very day.

Matmos Tour Announcement Marked By This Incredible Cartoon

* Wobbly

# Wobbly and Dublab DJs

$ Wobbly and Jason Corder a.k.a. Offthesky

& Snacks and Leprechaun Catering

Calexico, The Pride of Tucson, AZ, Tours

Tucson, Arizona is home to many things (I should know, I went to school there for four years), including cheap Mexican food, beautiful scenic views, and every Tucson indie kid’s pride and joy, Calexico. Yes, the "alt-country" band that is BFF’s with Iron & Wine hails from good ’ol Southern Arizona (the best part of the state -- fuck you, Phoenix.) Fortunately, for those of you who have never been to Tucson and have yet to experience Calexico, they’re touring! But mostly in Canada and a few random states like Nevada and Rhode Island. Oh well, better than nothing at all.

Bring your own Mexican food:

The Flaming Lips Hit All the Festivals This Summer; Hippies Hit Bongs at All Those Festivals

Do you have a problem? Are you under-employed?? Have you been labeled a ‘drug addict’ by the man??? Well, then you’re sure to have the time of your life when the legendary Flaming Lips hit the stage at a drug-addled hippie-festival near you this summer!

Congratulations, man, it’s never been more coincidentally beneficial for you to be a country-fried drain on society who enjoys listening to spaced-out psychedelia and not working for a few days! Just think, all you have to do is trick your mom into giving you her credit card number, gather yourself a die-hard posse, make sure at least one of those posse members has a tent you can use, score the necessary “supplies,” quit your night job at the marshmallow factory, and BOOM. You’re right there, bubble machines, animal costumes, laser shows, and all!

And, as a bonus, if you’re fucked up enough by the time Wayne Coyne and crew take the stage, you might not even mind when they play a bunch of C+ cuts from 2006’s spotty At War with the Mystics (TMT Review)! Wow!

Yeah, I said it. Hear that, Wayne? Step it up, bro.

The dates bulletin:

In Honor Of Oxford Collapse’s Tour, TMT Presents A Guide To The Word “Oxford”

- Oxford (noun): Oxfordshire, a city in England, famous for its university.
- Oxford Shoe (noun): a style of leather shoe with enclosed lacing.
- Oxford Shirt (noun): a men's shirt with a collar, a full-length opening up the front from the collar to the hem, and full-length sleeves with cuffs.
- Oxford Comma (noun): See “Songs By Overhyped Indie Rock Bands,” page 312.
- Oxford Clay (noun): a Jurassic marine sedimentary rock underlying much of South East England.
- Oxford Collapse (noun): a Brooklyn indie rock band on Sub Pop that has a new double album, BITS, BITZ!, due August 5. Please see the appendix for their tourdates.


Fort Reno Closes “Immediately and Indefinitely” Due to High Arsenic Levels

Northwest DC park Fort Reno, home to the Fort Reno Summer Concert Series, is on indefinite hiatus. According to a notification by the National Park Service, high levels of arsenic was found in the soil around the park, so it is now closed for further testing and inspection. Consequently, the concert series -- run by Amanda MacKaye (Ian MacKaye's sister) -- is in limbo (not "doing the limbo") for this year.

This comes at an especially damaging time, as the folks at Fort Reno just began a campaign asking for donations to raise funds for a sound system and stage maintenance. They are still actively seeking donations, but are unsure whether or not they need to find a new venue to hold the free concert series or to wait until the park is open again.

According to a post on Fort Reno's website: "We know we're asking you to donate for concerts that might not happen this year. Think of it as a donation for all the rock of years gone by. We stay dedicated to bringing the music to the people and you can be sure all donations will go to that cause -- be it at Fort Reno, some new venue, or something wholly new."

Sounds fair to me! You can donate online here.

(Thanks Jeff Jetton for the tip!)

New Species of Spider Named After Neil Young Sure to Render You Helpless

A rock star may receive the honor of a guitar bearing her or his illustrious name. A festival may be named after a rock star who just so happens to attract fans of the Confederate flag. But come on, did you really think Neil Young would settle for that? He's got his own SPIDER, bitches, and it's going to come after you in the night with its big, bushy eyebrows:

The new species of trapdoor spider was discovered by East Carolina University biologist Jason Bond, who explains, "As long as [the] rules are followed, you can give a new species just about any name you please. With regards to Neil Young, I really enjoy his music and have had a great appreciation of him as an activist for peace and justice."

Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi lives in a burrow and builds a trapdoor to protect itself from predators, stealthily waiting underneath for its prey, and then leaps out to drag the unfortunate victim back into its lair.

Hang on a second... this just in! Neil Young has reportedly built a new underground home directly outside the doorway of America's largest factory farm owner. More on this story as it develops.

Stereolab Release New Album, Not To Be Confused with Stereo Labrador and the Funk Fries

Back in 2002, I regretfully started a band called Stereo Labrador and the Funk Fries. This band consisted of me pressing a button on a TalkBoy that played a sample of a timpani and a pan flute and my black Labrador, Pauly Shore, who went back and forth on the stage on a skateboard, with a boom box Duct-taped to his back.

One show was accidentally booked as Stereolab, and let's just say that a lot of people were pissed. The real band should have sued me. But they didn't, and here I am today, a free man, to tell you about the anticipated release of the group's newest album, Chemical Chords.

Chemical Chords will be released August 19 in the U.S. (August 18 outside of the U.S.) on Duophonic UHF Disks/4AD. Featuring 13 songs by Laetitia Saider and Tim Gane, the album marks the first proper release of new material since 2004's Magerine Eclipse.

Chemical Chords tracklist:

Built to Spill Add Two More Perfect From Now On Shows in NY to Tour

$ performing Perfect From Now On in its entirety

The Helio Sequence Tour For Your Extra Credit Points

Before recording their newest album, Keep Your Eyes Ahead, The Helio Sequence’s Brandon Summers lost his voice, which pretty much is the worst thing to happen to a singer I’d imagine. Thankfully, he regained it by singing along to Bob Dylan songs and teaching himself to sing like Dylan. So, the question remains, if you lost your voice and had to teach yourself to sing again by only listening to one singer, who would it be and why? All answers must be in essay form, 3-5 pages, 12 point Times New Roman font. Papers are due in class on May 15.

Extra credit: