Eat True Ovary: Avey Tare is Going Solo This November

It seems like a lot of people these days are too cool to play board games, and to those people I say "Shut up, hippie." Unfortunately, it seems like the adrenaline-laden Monopoly battles that remain set in mid-play for weeks on end in the middle of the kitchen table are losing out to newer and flashier games, such as Street Fighter 2: Turbo and NHL '95. My daddy and granddaddy didn't fight the French in the Siberian wilderness so you could waste your freedom listening to FM radio and sniffing glue! Cut your hair and learn to play a real game, for God's sake!

One of the all-time greats is, of course, Scrabble. After several heated matches with a co-worker on lunch breaks, the game has finally seeped from the tiles through my fingertips and into my bloodstream, so that I no longer pump blood through my veins but rather anagrams. I don't dream of flying or casual sex with Kevin Federline or whatever the rest of society dreams about - I dream of the possibility of a triple word score, or, one perfect day: using all seven letters at once and getting that elusive 50-point bonus I've been wanting for so long.

I think that might help explain why, while trying to write an article on an upcoming Avey Tare tour, I can't help but find myself reflexively rearranging the letters of as many words as I can get my eyes on - for example, did you know that "Tiny Mix Tapes" converts into "I am spiny text?" A.T.'s label, "Paw Tracks," on whose website the tour was recently announced, becomes "Wart packs" when just a few letters are switched around. "Touring in like three weeks or so" becomes "sewer hookers like intrigue - not." The possibilities are endless, except with "Avey Tare", which doesn't really rearrange into anything remotely interesting.

Sharpen y'all's minds and bring them to the following tour stops:

11.26.06 - New York, New York - Tonic
11.27.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
11.29.06 - Providence, RI - AS220
11.30.06 - Toronto, Canada - Sneaky Dee's
12.01.06 - Montreal, Canada - Main Hall
12.02.06 - Ottawa, Canada - Mavericks

$ - w/ Beach House and Over The Atlantic
% - w/ Peter Wright and Antony Milton

The very first tattoo I ever got was that of a Trans Am on my back. This thing was huge. I got home, took off my shirt, and showed it to my mom. Her name was under it in old English lettering, "La Chaguis." She hated it and kicked me out of her home. That Trans Am tattoo was the best thing to happen to me, aside from birth control (and TMT, of course).

Speaking of abortions, schizometric synthpop band Trans Am will be going on tour. After a one-off show later this year and a couple in February, this righteous trio will embark on a U.S. tour next April, in support of some sort of album, because that's what bands do. The last album put out was Liberation in 2004, but I'm positive they will be possibly and probably be playing new music. They have to have some surprises up their sleeves — maybe a Rumsfeld piñata, maybe smoothies for everyone. If you plan to join in on the fun, I have set up driving directions to each venue if that suits your fancy. Trannies, my work here is done:

12.30.06 – San Francisco, CA – Mezzanine
02.24.07 – New York, NY – Knitting Factory * early show
02.24.07 - New York, NY – Knitting Factory *# late show
04.11.07 – Charlottesville, VA. - Satellite Ballroom ^%
04.12.07 – Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 ^%
04.13.07 – Atlanta, GA - The Earl^%
04.15.07 – Birmingham, AL - Bottletree^%
04.16.07 – H Town (Houston), TX - Engine Room^%
04.16.07 – Austin, TX - Emo’s Jr.^%
04.18.07 – Tucson, AZ - Club Congress^
04.19.07 – San Diego, CA - Casbah^&
04.20.07 – Los Angeles, CA - Troubador^&
04.22.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge^&
04.23.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumos^&
04.24.07 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richards^&
04.27.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Club^%
04.28.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle^%
04.29.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick^%
04.30.07 - Toronto, ON - Lee's Palace^%
05.01.07 - Montreal, PQ - La Sala Rossa^%
05.02.07 - Boston, MA - Great Scott^%
05.04.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's^%

* with Oneida
# with Pterodactyl
^ with Zombi
% with Psychic Paramount
& with Black Taj

Bob Dylan on Billy Joel’s Broadway Crossover Success: “What Does He Have That I Don’t Have?”

Yes, I am incapable of ever moving beyond unnecessary poop jokes. And when I think of Green Day, it brings me back to fourth grade, where I first heard both the word "dookie" and the album Dookie. It wasn't long after that both Green Day and I became somewhat grown up. Billie Joe Armstrong & The Butt Puppets are still making the same kind of music that gained them the precarious title of "The Fathers of Punk," while I am still laughing at the word "dookie." It appears nothing has changed.

On December 19, Reprise will be reissuing the first two Green Day albums just in time for you to wet your Fall Out Boy panties before good ol' Saint Nick pile drives down the brick anus to deliver that Mary Kay eyeliner you put atop your wishlist. The 1991 album 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours and the 1992 album Kerplunk! will be the historical context for the "Rise of Punk" for today's anarchist youth culture.

1,039 was already reissued a couple years ago and Kerplunk! was supposed to be too, until Lookout! fucked up everything. But when a major label reissues albums, that is when I start dishing out the cash. Reprise is packing 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours full of the same extra content found on the 2004 Lookout! reissue, including show flyers, nearly 20 minutes of live performances from 1990 to 1991, Billie Joe Armstrong's handwritten lyrics, and a 1991 radio interview.

It is also wise of me to inform you that Green Day is "hard" at work on their follow up to American Idiot, and their collaboration with U2, "The Saints Are Coming," was No. 27 on last week's Billboard Modern Rock chart. Green Day have a song with U2? Man, I am way out of the loop. I feel ashamed. Maybe I'm not the one who should feel ashamed, which brings me to my weekly clip of P. Diddy urinating, as it ties in with this Green Day story in no way whatsoever.

Irrelevant Clip of P. Diddy Pissing

Next week (or maybe later this week, we'll see), I will write a story about The Decemberists along with an unnecessary follow-up video of P. Diddy taking a "dookie." Oh, man!

Bob Dylan on Billy Joel’s Broadway Crossover Success: “What Does He Have That I Don’t Have?”

Attention, Broadway!

On the recent failure of the Bob Dylan Broadway Musical, which will close on November 19 after only 28 performances: Are you really and truly THAT shocked? Here's a hint: The words "Bob Dylan" and "Broadway Musical" should never ever ever be in the same sentence! These times they are a-changin' indeed, but as far I'm concerned, this smacks of the apocalypse.

STOP IT. Cease! Desist! It's enough that you decided to ruin a perfectly good Adam Sandler movie by beating the dead horse that is 1980s nostalgia, and though Billy Joel is a little more up your alley, I PROMISE that as a Long Island punk teenager, Billy was NOT doing ballet at the drive-in! I will say without a shred of doubt that John Lennon rolled in his grave at the atrocity that was Lennon, which failed because the "rock opera" is dead. Go listen to the Hair soundtrack if you're feeling nostalgic. Oh, and I can't even describe the shades of red I turned when I flipped through the latest issue of Vanity Fair and discovered that fucking High Fidelity is being subjected to Broadwayization. I absolutely, positively guarantee that Rob would have rather listened to 80 straight hours of Latin, Bulgarian, whatever fucking world music was trendy that week, than the soundtrack to RENT.

Pretty embarassing when you line it all up like that, isn't it?

Stop trying to turn theater geeks into rock stars, leave Bob Dylan alone, and do the unthinkable: write a new show. You can't let Wicked carry you forever.

Google Buys World A Coke, Then Buys World (You’ll Love This Story Because We Talk About Clear Channel)

The Economist recently wrote of Google's acquisition of popular video site YouTube: "This week's pairing of Google and YouTube may come to be remembered as the moment 'Web 2.0' came of age." Web 2.0 is a catchy phrase that describes the emergence of things like RSS, dynamic webpages, community-driven content, and web-based applications. The phrase, which has been criticized as a buzzword, does have some merit. It refers to the second generation of the Internet (which you are on!) after the wonderful dot-com bust.

The article makes reference to the AOL-Time Warner merger that "came to symbolize that era's excesses"; now, Google has emerged as the latest company to expand its grasp on tech communications. Google has been snatching up small companies for web-based applications and new search technologies, but the YouTube buy-out was a big step. Now, according to FMQB.com, experts are hinting that the search czar (tsar) could be purchasing a minority stake in Clear Channel.

Clear Channel "has been surrounded by talks of a potential buyout," and some market analysts feel Google could be in the market for a part of the historically well-liked radio giant. Google, apparently, is looking to expand into the local advertising business, and radio would indeed do that. Google wouldn't need to buy much of a stake, as little as 5%, to maintain an interest locally, according to FMQB.

Of course, these are just rumors. Google may never purchase a piece of Clear Channel, or it might. Who knows? I suppose we could Google (search) it, but I'm assured by the company that its servers would implode. Even if nothing happens, it is very interesting to see the power of Google. The friendly giant is becoming an enormous threat to Microsoft, and Yahoo! is rushing to compete. Many industry analysts have commented that Google is all over the place, creating too many new areas for it to dangle its feet in, often to compete with (or irritate) Microsoft. But now, with its purchase of YouTube, as The Economist suggests, "Google [being] prepared to buy, rather than build, market leadership marks a big strategic change." This only seems more telling in a growing effort for Google to expand into a much larger arena, even with rumors of interest in Clear Channel.

Jason Molina Tours World, Inspires Frank Miller to Write Fan Fiction

Attention Youth Pastors and Fellowship Leaders, we here at Team Peaches have an exciting offer for you, a way to really honor Christ in a fun way. Peaches, the Christian-rock mainstay (think Petra, only better) would like to invite you and your groups to a just-announced cross-country tour to promote her latest CD Impeach My Bush (XL). The album is quite obviously (by the title) a horticultural-based Christian allegory. To help spread the message, and get Christ deep inside of as many people as possible, Peaches has chosen to not play in churches this time, but the last dens of sin: rock 'n' roll clubs. A wise man once called music "the new pornography." So why not take it right to those sinners and help Peaches show them that Jesus is the biggest rock star (and he does rock) that you will ever know? Know in you heart, that is. Make sure to bring your Bibles and Tracts to the show. We’ll be having some Bible study and be witnessing to evil sinners and members of other religions after the show. Hope you can all attend. Go in peace (Jesus peace, not Hippie peace) to love and serve the Lord. Amen.

11.24.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.25.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero Theater
11.26.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
11.27.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom
11.28.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
11.30.06 - Fort Worth, TX - Ridglea Theater
12.01.06 - Austin, TX - FunFunFun Music Festival - Waterloo Park
12.02.06 - New Orleans, LA - House Of Blues New Orleans
12.03.06 - Tallahassee, FL - Beta Bar
12.04.06 - Orlando, FL - Club at Firestone
12.06.06 - Miami, FL - Art Basel, Miami Beach
12.06.06 - Miami, FL - Ivy Room - Small Room (DJ set, late show)
12.07.06 - Mexico City, DF - Edificio Nafinsa
12.09.06 - Monterrey, N.L. - Mcmullen
12.10.06 - Tijuana, BC - El Foro
12.13.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
12.14.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
12.15.06 - Sacramento, CA - Empire
12.16.06 - San Francisco, CA - Fillmore

Jason Molina Tours World, Inspires Frank Miller to Write Fan Fiction

When Dylan hit the pavement, I knew it was over. My muscles went slack. Knew the kid for 13 years, and I never seen a look in his eyes like that. A look like skulls. A look like a prophecy. I picked him up, shot him a grin that'd make a baby cry. He didn't say a word, didn't even flinch when the lights hit him in the gut.

Shit. How did we get here. For some reason, I thought of Jason Molina. Molina was a good kid. Always knew what we should've, but never realized 'til it was too damn late. You could see it in his eyes. A flicker in those beautiful blues, like the spark from a long-dead lighter. We were outside Jimmy's when I first saw him. Took a long drag of his cigarette, smoothed out his shirt like he was some kind of angel. Heh. As if angels would waste their time in a town like this. I leaned over, smooth as the smoke forming that halo over her head, picked a twig out of his hair, and I knew he was mine. On the way home, he grabbed my arm real tight like I suspected. I think I'm a decent driver, but some people might disagree. You see, I have a thing with road construction. I don't slow.

Molina had an idea when we got back. Kids like him always got ideas. Should have known better than to trust a kid with twigs in their hair. I know better now. We all do. God knows Dylan does, poor kid. Maybe Molina knew all along. Living life so fast, someone's bound to take a mouthful of gravel eventually. But what else can you do in a stuffy town like this? Pray? Heh. Shooting down the road, hot metal blazing, bank tellers wetting their pants - here was Heaven. And if I did it over again, I'd do the same thing. Molina had a plan, and we followed. When Dylan hit the pavement, I knew it was over. The cop threw his shotgun down, and I swear Molina had a glint in his eyes like he knew something. Something cold.

At Dylan's funeral, I thought long and hard. Real hard. How long was I going to live like this? How many more dead friends would it take 'til I found what I was looking for? Did I really think this would bring salvation? Heh. Thought maybe now I'd learn my lesson. Maybe now I'd call it a day. Yeah, maybe. But somehow even then I knew better than that. Molina shot me a glance from his pew like a bullet. It was time to get rich again. Or at least richer.

Ain't got no time for tears:

11.11.06 - Wellington, New Zealand - Bar Bodega
11.12.06 - Auckland City, New Zealand - Schooner Tavern
11.14.06 - Brisbane, Australia - The Troubadour
11.15.06 - Sydney, Australia - The Hopetoun
11.16.06 - Sydney, Australia - The Hopetoun
11.18.06 - Hobart, Australia - The Venue
11.19.06 - Melbourne, Australia - Northcote Social Club
11.21.06 - Adelaide, Australia - Grace Emily Hotel
11.22.06 - Perth, Australia - The Rosemount
12.02.06 - Asheville, NC - Harvest Records
12.03.06 - Columbia, SC - Acme Comics and Records
12.04.06 - Athens, GA - Flicker Bar
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - 11:11 Teahouse
12.06.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
12.09.06 - Halifax, Nova Scotia - St. Matthew's United Church ^
02.01.07 - Groningen, Netherlands - Vera
02.02.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso
02.03.07 - Bristol, United Kingdom - Cinema Cube
02.04.07 - Manchester, United Kingdom - Green Room Theater
02.05.07 - London, United Kingdom - Luminarie
02.06.07 - Brussels, Belgium - AB
02.08.07 - Karlsruhe, Germany - Jubez
02.09.07 - Geislingen, Germany - Ratschenmuhle
02.10.07 - Hannover, Germany - Glocksee
02.11.07 - Ottersum, Netherlands - Roepaen
02.13.07 - Arhus, Denmark - Voxhall
02.14.07 - Lund, Sweden - Mejeriet
02.15.07 - Stockholm, Sweden - Debaser
02.16.07 - Oslo, Norway - John Dee
02.17.07 - Trondheim, Norway - Klubben atb Stunentersamfundet
02.18.07 - Goteborg, Sweden - Pusterviksbaren
02.19.07 - Hamburg, Germany - Uebel & Gefaehrlich
02.23.07 - Athens, Greece - Planet Music

^ w/ Julie Doiron and Ghost Bees

Everyone Break Out Them Dusty Copies of The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway; Phil Collins Reunites With Genesis

Yep, you heard it here first, folks... or perhaps second or third or fourth — but who's counting anyways? Phil Collins will be back behind the kit with the good folks of Genesis. It seems the soundtracking market must have dried up, so Mr. Collins has opted for the Pixies method: get back together with the band for a little touring action.

Now, those of you expecting performances of Foxtrot material will be disappointed; Peter Gabriel will not be joining the group on this little venture. But, Tony Banks and the one, the only — Mr. Mike and The Mechanics himself — Mr. Mike Rutherford will be involved in this fantastical, stupendous event.

So break out those lighters, rehearse the words to "I Can't Dance," and hold them fingers crossed for some crazy, surprise performance of Mike and The Mechanics' "The Living Years." Live that crazy dream, boys. Live that crazy dream.

Like you, I have seen a lot of shows and, hence, I have been witness to many of the same horrific scenes that you all have: the unavoidable condom and tampon parade to the toilets; the doodoo dangling lovingly on the side of the crapper that looks exactly like a little strip of bacon you ingested not an hour ago; the bloody catfights ending with one combatant totally slaying the other with the prescient, "Your soul is a douche!" Oh, to have the cash to travel to exotic lands to see the same bands you would normally at your neighborhood shit-hole. Think of the probable minimal exquisitiveness of Blå in Oslo, the "ooh la la"-ness Adieu Interessant in Copenhagen... you just know people know how to enjoy germ-free live music in the Nordic climes. Of course being far away from the safety of the northern Americas is always a daunting prospect, but wouldn't it be nice to once not have to bite your tongues and choke back the vomit at a show for once? Imagine doing lines of bravery off the side of a sparkling bidet instead off the ATM card dangerously balanced on your knees? I, like everyone loosely affiliated with the smelly beast known as TMT, crave that acrid taste of bile that rises to my throat in certain scuzz-pub atmospheres, but I'm thinking of all you fledging aristocrats out there.

No, I'm sure Denmark, Finland, Norway, and Sweden have their fair share of repellant rooms that host hundreds of sweaty acts and their even-more-sweaty fans a year, but a boy can dream. The theory can be tested firsthand if you have the spare change for airfare. And the foreign setting will be just one of the beguiling, impressive, and possibly downright frightening things to see because Carlos Giffoni (Venezuelan-born keystroke tormentor, chronic collaborator, and founder of No Fun Fest, the annual gathering of the intense in New York) and Prurient (a.k.a. Dominick Fernow, baleful tumulterrorist and Hospital Productions prez) will take to the stage at the following dates, including one together at the iDEAL Fest in Stockholm. For all of you good citizens of Oslo, Gothenburg, etc., the shows will probably just seem like just another night at your local dive, but to us it may just be nirvana. iDEAL Productions have prepared a limited-to-500-copy, collaborative release of the two artists recorded live in Bushwick in time for the tour entitled Heavy Rain Returns, which promises to be pretty much what one would expect when two such devastatingly noisome artists collide.

All shows are solo sets except where noted...

11.09.06 – Oslo, Norway – Blå *
11.11.06 – Gothenburg, Sweden – Underjorden
11.12.06 – Stockholm, Sweden – Fylkingen, iDEAL Noise Fest (Prurient/Giffoni collaboration set) #
11.13.06 – Copenhagen, Denmark – Adieu Interessant $
11.14.06 – Jyväskylä, Finland – Huoneteatteri %
11.15.06 – Tampere, Finland – Vastavirtaklubi ^
11.17.06 – Helsinki, Finland – Kuudes linja, Avanto Fest (Giffoni only)
11.18.06 – Helsinki, Finland – Gloria, Avanto Fest (Prurient only)

* with Alvars Orkestar
# with The Skaters, Mokira, Dror Feiler, and The Skull Defekts
$ with Sewer Election, Noxagt, Alvars Orkestar, and Family Underground
% with Grunt
^ with Haare
& with Pymathon, Lau Nau, Nash Kontroll, and Kaukolampi, Puranen & Nykänen
+ with Hei, Tomutonttu, Islaja, and Black Dice

Prurient himself will see his original Pleasure Ground double cassette re-released by Load Records next Tuesday on CD. The LP comes out on December 5. Here be the tracks:

1. Military Road
2. Earthworks/Buried in Secret
3. Outdoorsman/Indestructable
4. Apple Tree Victim

Decision 2006: Cave In and Rainer Maria Both Disband, But One Is Actually Just on Haitus, So Really Only One Band Has Disbanded

America has spoken. Back at the turn of the century, it seemed many people supported these groups, but the American voting public has called for a change. The central issue in this campaign, exit polls revealed, was Emo. The genre people were enamored with circa 2000, the musical movement that had many a person asking “What is Emo?” seems to have become, in 2006, a big joke and a turn off to most voters. The numbers indicate the most recent releases of the two ousted incumbents — CI's Pitch Perfect Black, from 2005, and RM's Catastrophe Keeps Us Togehter, from this year — did nothing to turn the tide of indifference.

Now that both groups have broken up/disbanded/gone-on-indefinite-hiatus (the former for Rainer Maria, the latter for Cave In), what comes next? The public can now look forward to a future where six or seven bands could be playing their town at any one time with the words “ex-Rainer Maria” or “ex-Cave In” in parentheses next to a new group’s name on the flyer. While Cave In have no plan for any farewell shows, Rainer Maria are going to concede the election in a two-city event, planned for December in Philadelphia and New York.

Rainer Maria tourdates:

12.15.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
12.16.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom

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