Ladyhawk and Tapes ‘n Tapes Present: The Knuckleball of Commercialism Tour with Derek Jeter

Initially, I made the headline read, "Ladyhawk tour with Tapes 'n Tapes. That's so 2006 you guys!" but that was lame. No, they're not really touring with Derek Jeter. So I made a lie. Yeah, I lie sometimes. And I thought it might get your attention. It's not my job to criticize and mock anyone here at TMT Headquarters in Palm Springs. It's my job to report the news; if that means shoddy reporting involving bands on tour, then so be it.

If enjoying catchy indie rock is your only escape from getting drilled by your washed-up father, who constantly bugs you about playing baseball in order to live his failed dreams through you, then this tour was created for your sorry ass. You can catch these bands in their gooey prime and forget that whole "Oh, they were so last year" jab I made earlier. But let's face it: both bands are currently working on new material for forthcoming albums, so why shouldn't this tour be all about video game baseball?

It is, in fact, the 2K Sports "Hit-n-Run Tour" that will be giving you a chance to enlighten yourself with the company's new game, MLB 2K7. This will give you a chance to realize what has been missing in your life: kicking the dudes from Tapes 'n Tapes' asses as the Detroit Tigers. This is as close as you're ever going to get to living your father's dreams for yourself. And if you've already played the game, then you have probably already noticed Tapes 'n Tapes I-don't-know-the-lyrics-but-I'll-sing-along-anyway hit "Insistor" playing against a screaming stadium of assholes shouting, "Get your peanuts!"

So, that is the tour news. I hope you enjoyed it. I tried my best. I hope we all learned a valuable journalistic lesson today. TMT is not a place to criticize music, but a place to talk about baseball, all the time. For instance, what you should have gotten out of this article is that Ladyhawk and Tapes 'n Tapes are going on tour with a badass video game, and that Derek Jeter is the most overrated player of all time. Talking about a shitty defense and signing out, this was your pal, Emceegreg. Take care.

Ladyhawk tourdates:

* Tapes 'n Tapes and Harlem Shakes

Shit. So I was getting ready update you kids on the latest magical journey offered from Sigur Rós when I was informed that a post on their website, dated April 1, was in fact an April Fool’s joke. Obviously, Sigur Rós were feeling the heat. They wanted to do something special since our Tiny Mix Fest was abruptly cancelled. Here’s the deal: in connection with their upcoming release, Odin’s Raven Magic, they asked for fans to submit potential album covers with a Nordic troll and two dwarves. They unveiled the true nature of the post just a couple days ago.

But nevermind all that... in probably all seriousness, Sigur Rós have finished mastering their long-awaited orchestral work Odin’s Raven Magic. Debuted sometime in 2002, the work is based on the 14th century poem of the same name. I imagine most of you have yet to read this poem, so I will now provide the original text along with my complete translation.

01 ODIN'S RAVEN-CHANT
Alföður orkar, álfar skilja, vanir vitu, vísa nornir, elur íviðja, aldir bera, reyja ursar, rá valkyrjur.

Now, when Tweetle Beetles fight, it's called a Tweetle Beetle Battle.

02 &Aelig;tlun æsir illa gátu, ve ur villtu vættar rünum; Ó hræris skyldi

Ur ur geyma, máttk at verja mestum orra.

And when they battle in a puddle, it's a Tweetle Beetle Puddle Battle.
03 Hverfur ví Hugur, himna leitar, grunar guma

grand ef dvelur; ótti er ráins unga draumur, Dáins dulu

draumur ótti.

AND when Tweetle Beetles battle with paddles in a puddle, they call it a Tweetle Beetle Puddle Paddle Battle.

And this goes on and on and on for about 20 more stanzas, culminating in an extravagantly unnecessary buttle in a puddle for the rank of suprummle buttle puddle Tweetle Beetle. As you can tell, this is terribly inspiring shit Sigur Rós is working with here, so you can only imagine how amazing this album is going to be. The release date is set for June 6 of this year.*

The tracklist is as follows:

*Note: This may or may not be a total lie, and Sigur Ros may or may not have any intentions on releasing anything called Odin’ Raven Magic.

Melt-Banana to Release New Album, CO2s

Melt-Banana, best known for calling global warming the "greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people," are set to release some CO2s on an upcoming tour. The band will begin proudly releasing emissions in Japan, with four dates that they insist will contribute tremendously to greenhouse gases. Then they'll hop on a plane, estimated to release 300,000 tons of CO2 emissions, for an energy-wasting U.S. tour. Driving around in a rented GM Hummer, with commensurate high fuel consumption, Melt-Banana will take their inefficient live show to 17 cities (with many more planned), "bumping hybrid vehicles into oncoming traffic and taking the long, ‘scenic' routes in order to ensure the ice caps melt a little faster."

The tour is in support of Melt-Banana's ninth album, Bambi's Dilemma, an album that scathingly critiques global warming and its supporters. It was recorded in a 100-year-old home, in which they washed all their clothes in hot water, took really long, steaming showers, opened the windows with the old heater constantly running, and replaced every compact fluorescent light bulb with regular, 120-watt bulbs. In order to consume more energy, the band is releasing the album on their own A-Zap Records, which has taken several energy-consuming measures -- leaving electronic devices on, not planting trees around the building, slightly deflating the tires on all A-Zap vehicles, buying products with a lot of packaging -- to ensure that the earth gets a little warmer for everyone. As they best put it, "If you hate winter weather, it is in your best interest to consume more energy."

The band expects to release a combined 12 million tons of CO2s by the end of the year. Bambi's Dilemma is set for release this month.

$ XBXRX

The Sea And Cake Tour America; All Hail John McCrea!

It is my personal belief that The Sea and Cake are one of the most talented and influential bands of the mid-'90s and beyond. Their use of different styles to form an alternate cohesion has taught dozens of other bands the benefits of experimentation and synthesis. From their very first album, Motorcade of Generosity, the band threw out the rulebooks and made 13 songs of lite FM splendor. The disarming intro, "Comanche," storms into music history with its opening lines: "You need to straighten your posture and suck in your gut / You need to pull back your shoulders and tighten your butt."

From there, the band took off on quite a journey. Little did they know that with their second album, Fashion Nugget, they would be unleashing a hit song that would become the anthem of three or four months in 1996: "The Distance." The Sea and Cake also showed off their quirky sense of humor with an irreverent cover of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" that sent the public into a slight murmur.

Yes, they have consistently delivered the goods, album after album, but since 2004, it's been nothing but a painful silence. Well people, it's time to gear up for another scorcher paired with a national tour! I couldn't be more excited about their new LP, Everybody, scheduled for release on May 8 via Thrill Jockey.

Hold on hold on, Thrill Jockey? I don't see this info on Wikipedia. There's just something about a B-sides collection and a live album. What's the deal? Ohhhh, The Sea and Cake? Shit... never heard of them.

Everybody tracklist:

* The Zincs

$ Loney, Dear

Suits Indicted in Outpatient Facility Scam Including CBS Radio EVP Brian Ongaro; Tries to Blame Bad Business Decisions on Losing Howard Stern to Sirius Satellite

I swear this was one of those stories I thought would be cool to write. Then I realized it was about as cool as "Bazooka Joe Raps." We are normally much more prompt in reporting crooks getting their comeuppance, but it still gives us a lot of pleasure to report that a federal grand jury in Phoenix has handed down a 33-count indictment against nine people, including Dallas-based CBS Radio executive vice president Brian Ongaro. Ongaro snagged about $750,000 for his part in an elaborate scheme that involved getting people to invest in CORF Licensing Services (CLS), which issued licenses to investors establishing outpatient rehabilitation and massage therapy centers. The charges are for conspiracy, mail fraud, and money laundering. Our three faves. Don't executives go to business schools primarily to be well-versed in hiding funds gained illegally? Isn't it safer to just go with anonymously calling the elderly to ask them for their credit card and social security numbers?

I know what you're thinking: "This TMT douche won't be able to explain it as concisely as a FBI Special Agent in Charge could," right? FBISAiC John Lewis outlines the grift for us simpletons!

"The defendants' scheme to defraud was ongoing, and took in 40 million dollars. They solicited new licensees through ads, the internet, seminars, statements, and use of paid referrals, knowingly and intentionally misrepresenting the quality of their company, CLS's services, by understating the costs and risks associated with establishing a CORF, including patient activity, potential income and profit." He mentioned "the internet" in there somewhere. So this is basically like The Net?

Being the professional journalist that I am, I asked CBS affiliate KOCK's morning show host DJ Danny "the Panda" Anderson for a comment. He shook his head and said, "Gahd dammit! When are those high-rollin' galouts gonna wake up and stop their crazy shenanigans? Can't e'ryone just have fun and drink some Busch and look at girls in bikinis for kicks? Wait until my partner "Rollplaying Ron" here's about this one, hyuk, hyuk... "

"Digger" McQuade, one half of the KSTD's "Digger" McQuade & The Amateur Erotic Fanfic Cover Illustrator Morning Drive-Time Bonanza, had this to say: "Well, I don’t know what Freddy Fleaballs [he means FBI Special Agent Lewis] was talking about, but sakes alive man! We still haven't got a 'caller to holler' for tickets to the "Nephews of Blue-Collar Comedians" Boatcruise we're puttin' on down at the lake [Sanderson's Quarry]!"

The only thing left to ask is, "Why is this getting written about in TMT's news section?" Well, it does have a tangential music/radio connection. You also got to read a story with the word "galouts" in it. And it's fun to hear about sleazebags getting their just desserts, isn't it? You know, that actually wasn't so painful to sit through and write. Maybe if I was wrong about this story, I'm wrong about the new-fangled Bazooka Joe comics too?

"I'm Bazooka Joe and I'm

extra cool

while I'm in or out of school.

My girlfriend Zena thinks

I'm fine

I dig her, too! So glad

she's mine!"

"I like to play a trick or joke

and jive some unsuspecting

folk!

It's good to laugh,

so be our guest.

Join the Bazooka

blow-out fest!"

Nope. That's still garbage.

Crispy Christian Tea Time! The Robot Ate Me LIVE!

I'd rather move on with the world and quit living in the past. Last Friday night, I had this brilliant idea to try to contact the man behind The Robot Ate Me, Ryland Bouchard, and see how he felt about playing TMT's fake fest this summer. Would he be pissed at us or in tears over the hoax? Who knows? But one thing is for sure: My plan fell through. Although I would still hope that Bouchard got a kick out of the whole thing, TRAM (is that an official abbreviation?) will be touring like a motherfucker this summer. The TMT staff would love to make it to a show to apologize and fraternize, but unfortunately for the rest of our lives, we will be bombarded with many pestilential class-action lawsuits. Looks like the robot ate us this time around.

Nonetheless, I strongly encourage everyone to support Bouchard and his twisted-but-pleasing way of bringing forth music to masses of ears. Still riding off the success of Good World, Bouchard will be touring all of this good land called America. I'll admit Bouchard's lo-fi "splendorific" music has inspired me over the years. If I'm ever frustrated with living in the United States, I always have my own personal musical creations that take me to a whole other place. That's exactly what Bouchard does for me. I'm on cloud 15. I know some people are like, "Well, if you don't like America then you can get the fuck out!" Folks, that is simply not true. I abhor our freedom when we use it to make pointless YouTube videos with Mentos and Diet Coke, but I couldn't leave if I tried. Living in the United States for some is just like going to Wal-Mart. Nobody wants to be at Wal-Mart, but they always end up there anyway.

My point is that The Robot Ate Me is as American as vaginal irrigation, thus sparking the imaginations of creative little boys all over. So do as Emceegreg tells you to, and go see TRAM. I know what's cool, and you're not cool if you don't listen to me. There will be many sick beats and good times had. What more could you ask for?

Bicentennial Man was a bad robot movie; tourdates:

Next Week On Battles!

Scene: The Battles family home. Ian, the dad, is trying to read his paper, but he's having trouble -- his kids, John and Dave, are fighting!

John: Quit it!

Dave: Quit it!

John: Quit it!

Dave: Quit it!

Ian: Why don't ya both quit it! [Laughter. John and Dave both look at Ian with big puppy dog eyes.]

Ian: Aw, I can't stay mad at you two! [They climb into his lap. Just then, Tyondai walks in with the groceries. Applause.]

Tyondai: Hi honey, I'm home!

John and Dave: Mom!! [They climb off their dad and leap at Tyondai. Ian mugs at the camera, as if to say: What's a guy to do?]

Tyondai: Honey, I was thinking... Seeing as we're releasing a new album and everything, why don't we extend that tour? Just a little bit?

Ian: Didn't we tour last year? [Laughter]

Tyondai: Oh, yes, but there are soooo many places I want to see in Europe! Places with romance! Adventure! Places like Bielefeld! Sheffield! Birmingham! [Laughter]

Ian: I don't know... It all sounds expensive.

Tyondai: Would a bottle of your favorite cooking sherry help change your mind? [He pulls a bottle, wrapped in brown paper, out of his grocery bag. Ian's face lights up.]

Ian: Oh, all right then.

John and Dave: Hooray! A tour! A tour!

Tyondai: I love you, darling.

Ian: I love you, too. [They kiss.] Just let me get my shoes. [He puts them on.] Alright, who put shaving foam in my shoes? [Uproarious laughter. John and Dave look innocent. Ian mugs at the camera, as if to say: What's a guy to do?]

Morrissey’s Coming to Collect Your Sacagaweas

Alan Finnius Morrissey, star of stage and wet dreams, will tour the U.S. for the first time in three years starting this spring. It will be an extended tour, with nearly 50 stops planned on the three-month outing, which means he'll probably at least be within road-tripping distance for everybody, OMG. All dates will be supported by KRISTEENYOUNG, the same Clockwork Orange-looking girl who backed Morrissey on last year's Ringleader of the Tormentors world tour. Get out there and hear some songs about boys and girls and the YMCA and candles and shit, like, live.

Here are the dates and the bands I wish were opening for Morrissey:

Fast Cars, Danger Fire, and Nike; Aesop Rock Really Is White

Every morning my mom laces up her Nikes and goes for a 45-minute jog. She is determined, and to her, running is one step below religious. Every morning, my mom also logs onto Tiny Mix Tapes to check out the latest music news. So, between trips in the minivan to this practice or that and preparing microwavable lasagna, she usually can be heard cranking out the latest Yellow Swans release or Pavement re-release.

Friday nights find her wearing Kangol hatwear and Timberlands on her feet. She claims driving an MVP is okay because the Wu-Tang rap about them. She has exhausted my whole collection of backpacker hip-hop and New York noise albums on her morning runs, so I wasn’t at all surprised to find her downloading The Crystal Method and LCD Soundsystem’s exclusive mixes for the Nike+iPod mix series. After a week, though, she came to me. “Peter, I need more. I want something with balls. Whatever can I do?” Luckily for her, Nike has just released a new 45-minute cut from everyone’s favorite white rapper, Aesop Rock. The third in the “Nike+Original Run” series is available exclusively at the Nike Sports Music Store and the iTunes Store.

When asked why A-Rock decided to sell-out, he said, “I wanted to create something that evolved enough that the sound was constantly fresh and attractive, as if the runner were moving through a set of differing cities or landscapes.” And whatever this means: “There had to be a new element every 30 seconds or so [a new riff, a new layer, a new drum pattern] as other elements faded into the distance. Basically, I had to keep the scenery shifting while maintaining the 'push.' Setting this as my goal allowed me to dabble in some sounds that I had never tried before."

Musicians for Net Neutrality Rockin’ the Net

This particular scribe would like to be serious for a moment. The writers here at Tiny Mix Tapes periodically enjoy a hearty guffaw, and we try our best to keep the proceedings lighthearted. Occasionally our jabs strike too low, but we're unapologetic. Well, this writer is, anyway. This furor, of course, is related to a story currently being written about a coalition of musicians who plan to "Rock the Net," or, more realistically, speak out in support of Net Neutrality. Let me share some choice comments we're expecting over what may result in a promenade down hilarity lane:

"fuk offf slutz ,net neutrality is lame"

"wut t3h fuk is net newtralty???//??"

"0mgwtfbbq netnutrltee"

"Quite frankly, I feel the previous commenter's use of Oh My God, What the Fuck, Barbecue a little offensive. And rude."

The second comment is somewhat relevant. Just what the fuck is net neutrality? Pull up a chair, junior, let me tell you a story. Currently, the internet is set up so that everyone's on the same playing field. Wal-Mart's website, for example, works just the same as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's. That open structure is the beauty of it. But there has been a recent surge in lobby groups attempting to make the internet ‘tiered,' so that you can pay for better service. Doing so would require making the internet's underlying protocol "intelligent," even though it's been working just fine for nearly 17 years with the IQ of a peanut. The way it works right now, one piece of data, or ‘packet,' is no different than the next. Making the protocol intelligent makes currently useless ‘nodes' more desirable for exploitation because they can actually control traffic. It's a vicious circle. And Ted Leo wants to stop it -- well, he and 300 other artists and labels like Calexico, Del Tha Funky Homosapien, Bloodshot Records, The Locust, Merge Records, The Kronos Quartet, and that group with the guy who lost his religion... and had a thing for shiny, happy people.

Together, the musicians plan to help Edward Markey (D-Mass) show Congress how net neutrality has allowed web businesses to thrive. Beyond the implications on independent music, a divided internet would stifle creativity, limit new opportunities, and destroy the freedom that made it possible in the first place. That and Ted Stevens still needs somewhere to dump his internet off with his big truck.