Gnarls Barkley Hook Up With Red Hot Chili Peppers For Red Hot Tour; Prognosis: HOT!!!

It started a couple of months ago, I guess. Peeping Tom called and asked if I fancied going out for a few beers. I knew that he hung out with Gnarls Barkley, and I had a bit of a thing for Gnarls at the time, so I thought, what the hell. I arrived at the bar, and Justin was already there, chatting with Gnarls. We chatted, got along fine, but it became pretty clear pretty quickly that nothing was happening. This was Gnarls Barkley, with a gajillion platinum records under her belt, and here's me, lowly lil' nunpuncher, with his busted Superstars and unfashionable haircut. Talk all you like about feelings and being genuine, but a girl's gotta have standards, and I fell short. Hey, it's cool. It happens.

Anyway, that's when Red Hot Chili Peppers came over. I had heard of him, although we didn't really move in the same circles. He struck me as a bit loudmouthed, a bit sure of himself, but apparently he's bloody rich, so fair play to him. Gnarls certainly took a shine to him. Laughed like a train when he made some dumb joke about French people. In the end, I got drunk and depressed, so I pretended I had work in the morning and left.

So, that was then and this is now. I can't say I've changed my opinion a lot about Red, but he seems to make Gnarls happy, and that's something, at least. Me, I ended up hooking up with some unsigned band from Coventry. Pleasant enough, but, like, I don't know if it's going to last. I still see Gnarls around quite a lot, although she's busy preparing the deluxe version of her debut album. It's limited edition, with a DVD, a 92-page booklet, four music videos and some new songs. She's getting it all ready for November 7. It's cool, we're friends now. But it all seems to have got pretty serious pretty quick for her and Red. She says that he invited her on a tour. Oh so very romantic. They're gonna play all over the USA, although they haven't decided where yet. You can imagine, though — nothing but the biggest, finest stadiums for good ol' Red. Ah well. I can't say I'm not jealous, but good luck to them.

Figurines are Touring! It’s Totally Time for a Music-Themed Re-Interpretation of Everyone’s Favorite Danish Folk Tale, “The Troll Turned Cat”

The story goes that there lived an aging metal-vocal troll in North Jutland, Denmark. He was mean to all, and we'll call him "King Diamond" because he kind of looked like King Diamond. When King returned home from a long night pissing about at the tavern screaming about "Tetragrammaton," "family ghosts," and other such shit in his trademark makeup and top hat, he found his beautiful young bride in bed with one of the village's talented indie gringos. Some say this punk was fairly decent at handball also, which, as anyone with wits knows, is a proven panty-remover. Even in this notorious liberal country, this was too much for King. It sounds harsh, but imagine if you walked in on a sight like this! The brute was mad with pain and was about to challenge the whippersnapper to a "manhood and melody" clash, as was the mode of duel back then and is still now. He quickly remembered that his one-inch shrivel-pickle and tone deafness might have precipitated his piss-poor predicament in the first place. The shrapnel-voiced troll instead simply threatened the horny homewrecker by promising eventually to take his life. Fearing Diamond's retaliation the young up-and-cummer quickly decided to quit the scene entirely and turned himself into a cat. After all, he had heard tales of King's previous threats. He had often been heard proclaiming "death to false metal!" and believe me, although false metal is still living, it hasn't really been the same since. Anyway, the boy left and uprooted a few towns over with a lonely single man named Splat.

The newborn cat lived for quite a while, as comfortable as any starving-musician-turned-cat could possibly live: saucers of milk at the ready, nibbles of delicious food tossed from the supper table, and plenty of catnip for relaxin'. And who's going to turn down ample time for carefree licks at his own groinal region, I ask you? Life was a big bowl of coziness, or hygge if you prefer.

One day, Cat laid in wait for his master Splat to return from the hard grind at the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, where he worked drawing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad wearing a turban made of bombs. Upon his return, Splat bounded through the front door and called out to his four-legged friend, "I have to tell you what happened today min kat! I was walking home by way of and a bum rolled out of the bushes and said:

'Herre Splat

Tell yer cat

That King Diamond is dead.' "

The man-as-cat, as man-as-cats often do, stood up on his hind legs and with a bit of a cocky swagger, simply claimed, "Well, if what you say is true, I gotta bolt and go back from where I first came." Much to Splat's amazement, the cat then hurried over the hills (did I mention there were hills nearby?) and sure enough was losing no time at all making advances toward his old flame, the fresh young widow.

There may be more to this bizarre folk tale than I care to remember (or have time to make up right now), but I will conclude the yarn by saying the young music man eventually told his beloved to eff off, and then he went and formed a band with three fellow countrymen called Figurines, who are loved to this day.

Oh Tiny children of the Mix Tape, Figurines have now traveled to the Northern Americas to play their little ceramic hearts out. And because everyone knows how in-demand Danish indie pop is to turntablists, their excellent second album, Skeleton, will be available on vinyl via The Control Group. By the way, here's the moral of the uselessness posted above: don't swear vengence on Figurines at any of the shows below or these well hung, gifted Danes just may steal your girlfriend or turn into a cat or, er, abandon you after a bit of time.

Um, or something.

10.23.06 - Chicago, IL - Schubas
10.24.06 - Minneapolis, MN - 400 Bar
10.27.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Spaceland
10.28.06 - San Francisco, CA - Rickshaw Stop
10.30.06 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge
10.31.06 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Cafe #
11.01.06 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge (CMJ)
11.02.06 - New York, NY - Cake Shop (CMJ Juryrig Party)

* w/ You Am I
# w/ The Ark

Finally, Someone Notices that the Album Needs Saving! Insound to the Rescue!

After years of gradual decline at the hands of irresponsible downloaders across the globe, the album is getting a little push into the limelight for a moment.

Insound, the online music retailer known for its selection of mostly indie CDs and records, has launched its own version of an MP3 store. The twist? To buy a song, you must buy the album as a whole.

As someone who fully endorses albums vs. songs, (see my commentary on How Legal Downloads Will Kill The Album Dead), I am ecstatic that someone is promoting the album-sale concept. Truthfully, I do actually believe that the "songs you hear on the radio" should cost more than the other songs; even if just to get people to buy albums.

Feel free to send me e-mails telling me I'm an old fogie if you want, but I still enjoy putting on a 12-inch slab of wax with my dentures out. When I talk, it sounds something like this:

"FARAAAYYYY CHAAAEERRSS FARRRR EEENSOOOOUNNNDDD! HEP HEP HAARRRAY!..."

North Korea May Be Preparing for a 2nd Nuclear Test, But Did You Hear That Scarlett Johansson Will Cover Tom Waits?

You considered your mind blown after you watched The Island alone in your room with no clothes on, giggling to yourself, saying, "Wow, this actually is a great movie, but I can't tell anyone."

Yes, Scarlett Johansson has often been the culprit to guilty pleasures, such as North, Home Alone 3, and the pornographic classic My Brother the Pig, but now Miss Johansson is adding something shocking to that list. In fact, it is so shocking that I almost pissed my pants when I heard the news. Luckily, I received a catheter for my birthday, and everything went as smooth as jelly.

Fox News, the most trusted name in news among people too lame for TMT, broke the scandalous story that Johansson will be releasing a debut album compiled of Tom Waits tunes. Slated for 2007, the record will be aptly titled Scarlett Sings Tom Waits and distributed by Atco Records, a resurrected branch of Rhino. It is also official that everyone at Fox News should quit their job. Let's face it: there is nothing left to report. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan sure could have learned a lesson from Scarlett. You don't have to make an album of your own material. Why not just blatantly desecrate a legend? There is still no word from Waits himself over the "breaking news," but I'm sure he'll get an advance copy, listen to it alone in his room, giggling to himself, "Wow, this is actually a great cover album, but I can't tell anyone."

So I'm going to go ahead and jump courageously out on a limb and say that TMT will be giving this album a 5/5 or beyond. And in case you were patiently wondering, the answer is yes! For the perverts, meaning daily readers, of TMT: Johansson's boobs will be singing a duet on the album. Start bugging your local record store now, folks. This is going to be huge!

Group Records Anti-Immigration Song About Moving to Mexico and Being Jerks; Record Played Constantly at the Vice Offices

"I'm not one of these in-your-face political people," Rita Jones, 57, told The San Antonio Express News in a recent article. "I'm not bitter. I'm not a racist. But there are so many illegals in the country now, that it has gotten out of hand."

Jones, a former public library secretary, wrote the lyrics to "So long Texas — Hello Mexico," a song about a U.S. citizen who decides to leave Texas, go to Mexico, and become a burden to their society by driving with no liability and singing the Mexican national anthem in English. Hmmm... now why would they want to go Mexico?!?! Oh... to prove a satirical point. Add one to the irresponsible Mexican stereotype. SLAM DUNK FOR WHITEY.

Well, Jones passed the song onto Johnnie Bradshaw, local DJ/country musician/town genius in Waco since the 1970s, who decided he would get a band together and record this ditty under the name Johnny Tex and the Texicans. Since then, "So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" has reached a rather large audience through that great niche forum, The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T., receiving 1,000 hits on its first day alone. Hundreds of CDs have been sold. The morning show at the top radio station in Waco picked the song up.

Okay, so the song's not necessarily blowing up, but it sure does reflect something nasty.

"The only people offended are those here illegally," said Rita Jones, secretly thinking about the Hispanic kid that messed up her burrito order that morning. She noted to the Express News that she would rather be remembered for love songs.

Here's another tasty tidbit from that article: "William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, a political action committee based in Raleigh, N.C., said he's urging all his 7,000 supporters to ask radio stations across the country to play the song." Whoa! New marketing strategy for indie career-rock artists: songs about the conservative political agenda. OK Go will probably give it a shot once they have exhausted that whole "dance in a novelty video" thing.

But we here at Tiny Mix Tapes have to stand for something, I guess. That's why we're writing our own pro-immigration song in response to the Johnny Tex and the Texicans tune. You know, it's got nothing to do with politics. We just want to ride the whole marketing wave to a TRL #1. E-mail your name and home address here and you will receive a TMT-sanctioned, pro-immigration CD-R within whenever we want. Then hopefully you run your own music blog and will be able to review it and get us in the echo chamber. But, of course, we would rather be rememberd for our love songs.

"So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" can be heard or downloaded here and the lyrics can be found right here at TMT:

So long Texas!

Hello Mexico

I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande

At El Paso

I'm leaving tonight

I ain't gonna pack

I'm only takin' the clothes

On my back

I'll drive a rattletrap car

With no liability

I'll demand equal rights

Though I'm there illegally

I'll protest the streets

'Til they finally grant 'em

Sing English words

To their national anthem

Group Records Anti-Immigration Song About Moving to Mexico and Being Jerks; Record Played Constantly at the Vice Offices

"I'm not one of these in-your-face political people," Rita Jones, 57, told The San Antonio Express News in a recent article. "I'm not bitter. I'm not a racist. But there are so many illegals in the country now, that it has gotten out of hand."

Jones, a former public library secretary, wrote the lyrics to "So long Texas — Hello Mexico," a song about a U.S. citizen who decides to leave Texas, go to Mexico, and become a burden to their society by driving with no liability and singing the Mexican national anthem in English. Hmmm... now why would they want to go Mexico?!?! Oh... to prove a satirical point. Add one to the irresponsible Mexican stereotype. SLAM DUNK FOR WHITEY.

Well, Jones passed the song onto Johnnie Bradshaw, local DJ/country musician/town genius in Waco since the 1970s, who decided he would get a band together and record this ditty under the name Johnny Tex and the Texicans. Since then, "So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" has reached a rather large audience through that great niche forum, The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T., receiving 1,000 hits on its first day alone. Hundreds of CDs have been sold. The morning show at the top radio station in Waco picked the song up.

Okay, so the song's not necessarily blowing up, but it sure does reflect something nasty.

"The only people offended are those here illegally," said Rita Jones, secretly thinking about the Hispanic kid that messed up her burrito order that morning. She noted to the Express News that she would rather be remembered for love songs.

Here's another tasty tidbit from that article: "William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, a political action committee based in Raleigh, N.C., said he's urging all his 7,000 supporters to ask radio stations across the country to play the song." Whoa! New marketing strategy for indie career-rock artists: songs about the conservative political agenda. OK Go will probably give it a shot once they have exhausted that whole "dance in a novelty video" thing.

But we here at Tiny Mix Tapes have to stand for something, I guess. That's why we're writing our own pro-immigration song in response to the Johnny Tex and the Texicans tune. You know, it's got nothing to do with politics. We just want to ride the whole marketing wave to a TRL #1. E-mail your name and home address here and you will receive a TMT-sanctioned, pro-immigration CD-R within whenever we want. Then hopefully you run your own music blog and will be able to review it and get us in the echo chamber. But, of course, we would rather be rememberd for our love songs.

"So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" can be heard or downloaded here and the lyrics can be found right here at TMT:

So long Texas!

Hello Mexico

I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande

At El Paso

I'm leaving tonight

I ain't gonna pack

I'm only takin' the clothes

On my back

I'll drive a rattletrap car

With no liability

I'll demand equal rights

Though I'm there illegally

I'll protest the streets

'Til they finally grant 'em

Sing English words

To their national anthem

Weasel Walter Wants Your Wallet

Pearls and Brass, the Drag City evil-boogie trio, are going to tour. The Indian Tower [TMT Review] was their first effort for the label that's pretty close to where I live, actually, and now the band needs to go around the country looking for where our reviewer Jspicer lives. "You only gave us a 2/5?!??! COME OUT!!! COME OUT OF YOUR HOLE!!!!! We'll call you bland and predictable, with a knife!"

Don't worry, Spice-baby. I'll never tell... for not money.

You can totally tell that some of the guys in this band have serious jobs, because the dates are so spread out:

10.20.06 - Annandale on the Hudson, NY - Bard College
10.21.06 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College
10.22.06 - Somerville, MA - PA's Lounge
11.11.06 - Philadelphia, PA - The Kyber (w/ Blue Cheer)
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
11.26.06 - Denver, CO - Bender's
11.28.06 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern
11.30.06 - Eugene, OR - Luckey's
12.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Slim's (w/ Om)
12.02.06 - Big Sur, CA - Fernwood Resort

Weasel Walter Wants Your Wallet

Weasel Walter has made himself somewhat industrious, why ought I be impressed? So he’s releasing a bevy of albums of late, and I shan’t cachinnate nor chortle at this dispatch. So he and his westerly gamins and chippies have hatched the consequent presently: an XBXRX album afresh, a Lake of Dracula précis, scads of untrammeled jazz smashing and braying, a peregrination concomitantly with Lair of the Minotaur, a tardy (if I do say so) Flying Luttenbachers DVD, and doubtless legion other schemes. To wit, whilst haunting my local, well, haunt, the congregation was abuzz apropos his artistic foundation. I shall pluck up and estimate this is out of turn. For, cast thine eyes upon my very own conquests. I have heretofore consummated my own euphonical wanderings of the gelid septentrional and unfettered Horoscopo, a To Live and Shave in LA conspectus, and forthwith you can forestall your habitus for Noon and Eternity, Les Tricoteuses, Piper's Son, a Xiu Xiu reallineation, my dalliance with Black Meat, and surely more. Who is the better man? That is indubitably incognizable. My best admonition would be to perlustrate both of our corpora and adjudge for yourself. -Ommyth

ASCAP Sues Oregon Restaurant Owner for Letting a Local Band Play Covers Once in a While; Other Music Publications Ask, “Is Music Industry Living Out Elaborate TMT Joke?”

The Oregonian reports that Michael Dorr, a Portland restaurant owner, owes a large sum of money for letting local band Black Notes play three cover songs. The band played Jimi Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary," Stevie Wonder's "That Girl," and War's "Slippin' Into Darkness." And the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP) wants the money.

Here is an excerpt from the OregonLive.com: "Because his place features local musicians and covers are rare, he didn't think he had to pay the musicians and publishers group an estimated $2,000 to cover performances of copyrighted tunes." But, because an ASCAP man came to eat and wrote down the names of the songs he heard, Dorr owes between $750 and $30,000 on each song for copyright infringement. Had a representative from ASCAP not paid this unannounced visit, Dorr wouldn't be facing bankruptcy.

"It's basically going to bankrupt me and put me out of business," Dorr, who is married and a father of two, told the Oregonian. "I can't afford the lawyer and the fees. It's going to close me down."

"It's a total bummer," he continued. "It's scary for me and my family. The restaurant business is hard and on top of other things, business is slow. This is the icing on the cake."

That is absurd, right? No jokes; that's ridiculous. I'm not the sharpest cheese in the fridge, but I didn't know it was against the law to play a cover or allow them to be played live. I thought you were safe if you announced who wrote it. But Dorr, owner of Imbibe on Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard, is a living example of my ignorance. Does that mean the band, Black Notes, is guilty too? I don't know, and chances are, the common musician doesn't either. So... beware. At least make sure no ASCAP stings are in progress at your venue.

Really, what I'm saying is: don't play music. Abstinence is the only 100% effective method for staying safe. Just don't do it. But, we're young. We're human. So if you have to, do it in private and alone. Playing music, even on a hi-fi, is probably illegal, so don't do that either. Buying music, according to ASCAP and probably the RIAA, is the entertainment industry's version of the speed trap. Gotcha! You thought you were supporting artists! It was all a part of an elaborate copyright infringement scheme. Don't buy music; don't play it; don't sing it; don't let it be sung; don't even mention it. In fact, TMT is being sued for $60,000 and an H.J. for this article. So, by all means, give some money to the Wonder and Hendrix estates. In the meantime, everyone into the copyright prison!

Coolest High School Computer Teacher Ever Captures Your Heart… With a Heart-Shaped Record; Details of a Unique Vinyl Subscription in This Story!

Once upon a time, there was a little high school computer teacher who loved music. That's right, apparently there is at least one high school computer teacher in the world who is cool. I know that your high school computer teacher wore a pocket protector and had a twitch, but bear with me, here. So this music-loving faculty member started an eency weency record label called People in a Position to Know. The label is so itty bitty, in fact, that they haven't released any albums yet.

They have a plan, though. Allow me to editorialize, here: it is a pretty fucking awesome plan. People in a Position to Know wants to put you in a position to know about its Limited Edition Vinyl Subscription Series. Beginning this November, you can sign up to receive six clear vinyl records, including an assortment of 8-inch square, heart-shaped, triangular, and hexagonal records, as well as more conventionally-shaped 10- and 12-inchers. Among bands already lined up to contribute to the series are such impressive names as Jad Fair, Wooden Wand, The Poster Children, and The Wrens. Those of you who remember the dearly departed Sub Pop Singles Club are, well... you're just older than I am.

One of the craziest things about this venture is that neither the bands — each selected simply because People in the Position to Know love them so much — nor the label will be making any profit from it. Your $65.00 subscription will be just enough to cover producing and shipping the records.

So have I sold you record nerds on this series yet? What if I tell you that there will be only 100 subscriptions offered, and that you have to sign up for the People in a Position to Know mailing list to get them? Those folks will send an e-mail some time in late October or early November to give you your chance to join their big, happy, non-profit, music-lovin' family.

Don't it just make your record-shaped heart fill with love?

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