Decemberists to Play Series of Ireland and UK Dates This Fall, Colin Meloy’s Stodgy Stuffed-Shirtedness and Effusive Literary References Finally to be TRULY Appreciated, Mine to Continue Unacknowledged
"Stately, plump Decemberists' Guitarist/multi-instrumentalist Chris Funk came from the stairhead of the tour bus, bearing a trap table on which a lap steel and an electric mandolin lay crossed. A second-hand baritone guitar, unstrung, was sustained gently behind him by a quaint silver dolly. He held the folk instruments aloft and intoned:
-- Introibo ad vehiculum manus.
Halted, he peered down the dark widening bus aisle and called out coarsely:
-- Come up, Colin! Come up, you fearful frontman!
Solemnly, he came forward and mounted the cloth upholstered bus seat. He faced about and blessed gravely thrice the other band members, the surrounding country, and the awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Colin Meloy, he bent toward him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat and shaking his head. Colin Meloy, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of his road case and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him, equine in its length, and at the light untonsured hair, balding and hued like pale oak.
Chris Funk peeped an instant at the upcoming fall tour schedule and then covered the itinerary smartly.
-- Back to Britain! he said sternly.
He added in a preacher's tone:
-- For this, O dearly beloved, is the genuine UK and Ireland tour: Smart suits and inflatable whales and Garrulous Crane Wife (TMT Review) narratives. Folky/Klesmer/proto-prog/Irish Jig/pop music, please. Shut your eyes, gents. One moment. A little trouble about those Portland Indie-rockers. Silence, all..."
From Swerve of Shore to Bend of Bay:
Just trust me. That whole thing was really clever.
For Just $3, You Can Get a Big Mac, Medium Fries, a Medium Soft Drink, Herpes, and a Sexy McLive Performance from Ne-Yo and Twista During McDonald’s First Live Tour (Oh, Did I Say Herpes? I Meant Apple Pie)
I feel that I am the official McDonald's reporter for TMT, since the fast food Goliath is always doing something revolutionary with music, and I am the one who notices just how quick Ronald McDonald is to "jam" with the kids. You could call it good PR or foolishness, but McDonald's will be embarking on the first ever free, live musical tour to be presented in parking lots. Yeah, you heard it correctly. It sounds like a ridiculous idea straight from Happy Days. But will Fonzie jump the shark?
McDonald's already has jumped the metaphorically frightening shark by hosting a free 10-city tour with performances from Ne-Yo, Kenna, Kat DeLuna, The Dey, Single File, Twista, and Kevin Michael. (What, no Fall Out Boy?) Douglas Freeland, director of U.S. marketing at McDonald's, has said that he knows that music is young peoples' number one passion. Their second passion is, of course, herpes-infested apple pies.
Not all performances will be at McDonald's parking lots, as the first show, being launched July 26, will be a performance of Ne-Yo and Kenna at California's Venice Beach Recreation Center (a cleaner place than a parking lot). The next stops will be Denver featuring Single File, Chicago with Twista, Philadelphia with Kevin Michael, and Bloomfield, NJ with Kat DeLuna and The Dey. The tour will sizzle over September 25 in Austin, TX, with additional artists to be announced.
Between 500 and 1,500 McMusic Lovers will be admitted to each free show on a first-come, first-serve basis, which is just the same treatment as being a regular customer. A stage will be set up in the middle of each McDonald's parking lot with on-site security and barricades to block off the area. The shows will begin at approximately 6:30 PM, according to Freeland. Each concert will be filmed and later posted on MCDLive.com, where fans can then vote for their favorite artist to be featured in a McDonald's 2008 advertising campaign.
So there you have it. It may be Chicago's first chance to see and hear Twista rap the Big Mac song faster than a Cheetah on speed. And this may be your first chance to hear live music in a McDonald's parking lot. And no, listening to Uncle Jethro blasting Europe's "The Final Countdown" on his El Camino speakers does not count as a live parking lot performance. Oh, and I'll be honest now, so that I don't get sued. I was lying about the herpes infesting McDonald's' apple pies. The truth is, I wanted them all to myself. The truth is, I'm a very sad, little man.
The No Limit Soldiers have released a statement this week claiming responsibility for the arrest of Lil Wayne on Monday. In a release posted on their website and faxed to major news outlets, Silkk the Shocker is quoted as saying, “Judging by the cover art of Lil Wayne’s mixtapes this month Master] P, [C-] Murder, and I agreed that the title we have long held as the originators of the finest album covers in the industry was in jeopardy. While few will disagree that Snoop Dogg’s [Da Game Is To Be Sold, Not To Be Told is his cover-art opus and Master P’s MP Da Last Don is still the industry standard in holographic cover images, Lil Wayne has clearly made a move to end our dominance. Therefore, we were given no choice but to plant half a pound of marijuana and a .40-caliber Springfield Armory semiautomatic weapon on his tour bus while he was touring in New York City.”
Lil Wayne could not be reached for a response, as immediately after paying his $70,000 bail (supposedly by making it rain on the local judge whom he claimed was a “hater”), he rushed to the studio to record a series of spoken interludes about the event for the upcoming “There Was Never A Drought That Was Never Over 4 (Presented By DJ Whiteowl)” and scour eBay for bootleg copies of The Wonder Years, as his current analogy about Trina being his Winnie Cooper and Curren$y his Paul Pfeiffer needed some refinement.
Lil Wayne’s lawyer, Stacey Richman, however, was quoted as saying,
“Snitches snitches snitches
Y'all be running they mouth just like bitches (bitches)”
Lil Wayne’s court date is scheduled for Friday, July 27. He faces up to three-and-a-half years in jail.
On September 3, 1987, Fugazi played their first show. I was 782 days old, and I was not there. Exactly 20 years later, Glen E. Friedman is celebrating Fugazi's beginnings, and presumably my lack of attendance, by releasing Keep Your Eyes Open, a book of photography revolving around the little band from the District of Columbia who basically invented a bunch of this shit.
By being courteous enough to donate their souls to Friedman's ever-eloquent photographic eye, Fugazi have made a big step in cementing their legacy as underground legends. Besides being a vital cultural artifact, Keep Your Eyes Open is the perfect gift for:
- Your friends who have entered the stage in their lives where they can use coffee table books but are still sort of in denial about it.
- Your nephew that always wears cutoff shorts with no socks.
- Ian Mackaye, vocalist of Fugazi
- My mother, because she will thank you profusely and then give it to me.
I am also going to take this time to point out that a friend of mine once publicly stated that he thinks Fugazi sounds like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He can be reached here">here.
hEYH guys, looking 4r asosmething FUHN to dWEW this SOME...ERrrrr.....??? mAYb ITS TIME F4 a little fat owrim of AIROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 MITE EVEN CALL ITT fatrom of SUMER!!!!!~!
SOO this worm, RYTE? tHEY PKLAY soemi sweet jamz n;' whistles and shtutfffffffff!?? YeAH they dou...shore dou. sometimz tHEY"re pllayin'''' fast n' the GURLZ' like """"""rrrrrrrrrrEDMELTZING BOX (!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!)""""""""""" AND THN other times it's like """(zzzz zzzBzzzz zzztfzzz zzzzz()zzz zz3zz zzzjazzzzzz)""""" U just NEIVER no WIV THEN~ WORMS......?? ;-)
srrrrrrrrry to maykte DIS so short btu I GOT AGO BONK A DEWD, 8-) MAY THE $RCE BE WIVE EWWWW!!
Hey, psssstt.. Over here! Lean in close… don’t tell anyone, but I’ve got a huge secret for you. Just you, though, nobody else. That’s important, because we can’t have this secret getting out… okay, ready? Compact Disc sales are down.
ISN'T THAT NUTS!?
I couldn't believe it either. I mean, I'm an avid CD buyer. Every week I trek down to HMV and sift their goldmine of a selection. Last week, I unearthed a dusty copy of Fear of a Black Planet by Public Enemy and the new Kelly Clarkson disc. It was only $15, and that new single is pretty swell. However, I've noticed a strange trend at HMV, and at a few other ‘music’ stores; they're selling a lot of movies now. Also a lot of television show sets, posters, bags, headphones, CD players, gift certificates, and banality. Seems to be something wrong with the business model.
I mean, when I wander into the EB Games across the mall hallway, all I can really find is video games. The stores aren't very big, but every inch is filled with a game or a game-related peripheral. Same deal with clothing stores, generally full of clothes. When I wander into Urban Trade and ask for their movie section, I get blank stares. Same with the food courts, hair salons, cell-phone booths, and other retailers.
This brick-and-mortar fall-out is probably because it's 100% easier to buy music online, either digital or physical. I mean, from my chair at home, I type the name of the band I want, then look for the check-out button. Literally 30 seconds and I've made my purchase. Sure, there's no instant satisfaction of getting out to the car and listening on the way home, but there's something about refreshing the ‘track order status’ page every 15 seconds. It's like having a GPS tracking unit on the bottom of Santa's sleigh, and you just hit ‘F5’ to find out where he is. It's invigorating. And I don't have to listen to My Chemical Romance while doing it.
Contrary to CD sales (down 15.6% last month, going up slightly to 14.6% this month), digital purchases are on the up and up, so maybe there's something to this online shopping. The digital sales haven't fully counteracted the downward spiral of the CD, and that's probably because an entire generation of customers have been alienated by retailers. Shitty mall music stores have always catered to the youngest crowd possible, but today's young people don't even know what a CD is. That's old-fart technology. In the process of pushing all the newest pablum, music retailers have relegated good customers (old people) to second class. By placing all ‘their’ music at the back and blasting whatever shite is currently ‘popular,’ you've effectively removed any reason for someone over age 25 to shop at your establishment. Ironically, these alienated customers are the same people that fear technology. My father (who's in his late 40s) recently claimed he will NEVER buy anything online, out of fear of digital theft. His friends/family share similar feelings. He also doesn't go to music stores anymore for the reasons I listed above. He gets me to buy music for him online, or I just download it and burn it (which is legal in this country). Hear that music companies? My father, a music customer for more than 40 years, no longer buys your products. And it's all your fault.
However, harping on the failings of the music industry is like trying to ‘politically correct’ my grandfather. A lot of the ‘old-fashioned’ terminology he uses would land him on TMZ if he were Gibson, but he knows the end isn't that far away, so he doesn't care. I know his end isn't very far away either, so I don't badger him about it (unless we're in public). I know he'll continue in his archaic ways, continually embarrassing himself, and eventually pitter out to nothing. So, I hope you enjoyed your run Compact Disc/Traditional Business Model/Grandad, because you're well past the expiry date.
A Brief History of the Singles Club:
- Sub Pop had one
- Kill Rock Stars had one
- Several smaller labels currently have 'em
- The Massachusetts/New Hampshire Singles Club is the first result for "singles club" on Google
- Too Pure does one
- First robotic president outlaws distribution and use of all analog media
In a move that warmed the hearts of people the world over who constantly get told they'd like High Fidelity, Too Pure Records announced the beginning of a singles club this October. While artists such as Electrelane, Scout Niblett, and Stereolab have called Too Pure home, the club seems more focused on lesser-known artists the label has deemed worthy of attention. The first handful of artists includes Lone Lady, Vera November (a.k.a. Verity Susman of Electrelane), and It Hugs Back.
Membership costs Â£30 for British residents, and Â£35 for international record geeks. The bad news is that it adds up to almost $70 for Americans, but the good news is that you get 12 records, postage paid and the rights to download digital versions of the songs courtesy of Rough Trade Online. Moreover, the records are limited to 500 apiece and will be distributed almost exclusively through the club, with "a very small number distributed to select indies."
Memberships can be purchased via the Too Pure website. And if it's anything like the grilled cheese I purchased for lunch, it will be delicious and have an unplaceable spiciness that will make you want to buy another membership tomorrow or even later today.
Iron & Wine Shaves Beard, Immediately Grows Back In Time For Tour And… The End of the World! Details Below
Late last night, I received a call. No, it wasn’t a “Dear John” from the missus (though that came eventually... look for updates later); instead, a gravelly voice came through the receiver: “Go to YouTube, watch Iron & Wine videos. And wear your 3-D glasses.” I tried to get the caller’s name to no avail, so I gave in and found some videos. The results were shocking.
Luckily, I swiped 3-D specs from my last viewing of Muppet Vision 3-D at Universal Studios. While viewing “Naked As We Came,” directed by Iron & Wine/Sam Beam (not to be confused with Sean Bean), the screen burst into glowing colors; diagrams unfurled before me with dazzling precision... I saw... I saw his plans for the End of the World in the video! Sub Pop scientists explain that they have pinpointed the day of the global-warming apocalypse, just like on the cover of the new Smashing Pumpkins record). The video intimates details of the Iron & Wine Contingency Plan (something about defacing Mount Rushmore like Zod in Superman II, while Beam reigns over South Dakota with an iron beard). It didn’t divulge any specifics, but the closing message promised the answer would be buried somewhere inside the forthcoming Iron & Wine album, The Shepherd’s Dog. Then it was over...
Mysterious 3-D Messages Abound At:
Rilo Kiley to Release Under the Blacklight This August, Five Things Jenny Lewis Did That Are More Valuable than Her Music; Seriously, Jenny, Baby, Sweetheart: There Are Career Opportunities Opening Daily in Real Estate Or As Conor Oberst’s Living Shelf-Doll
The remainder of this article DOES NOT provide ANY evidence that Conor Oberst keeps flower-power INDIE!-a-go-go chickys (like Jenny Lewis) on lock-down in His basement to act as concubines-o’-da’-sweet-jams. NO EVIDENCE EXISTS that He sits in that basement, hood-up, playing “First Day of My Life” as many times as He deems fit, while said flower-power INDIE!-a-go-go chickys repeatedly bless themselves on His command to avoid a hefty tongue-lashing, or, another heart-string-pullin’ rendition of “First Day Of My Life.” There is, additionally, NO EVIDENCE that the phrase “flower-power INDIE!-a-go-go chickys” serves as an appropriate catch-all for describing less-fortunate (fictitious) music love slaves of Oberst.
TRUE STORY, though:
Rilo Kiley’s Under the Blacklight is scheduled for release August 21 in the United States. Buy it, reader, else the first time you hear the sweet jams is sure to be on the Grey’s Anatomy-- du jour of the time! GASP!
5 INCENDIARY CAREER MOVES, JENNY:
1. Kicking ass as Hannah Nefler in Troop Beverly Hills
2. Co-starring with Shelley Long in Troop Beverly Hills
3. Appearing on a single episode of Murder She Wrote in 1994
4. (Literally) being in the same room as Angela Lansbury on an episode of Murder She Wrote in 1994
5. (Figuratively) being in the same room as J.B. Fletcher (played by Angela Lansbury) on Murder She Wrote in 1994
Hands down, Angela Lansbury trumps this.
Oh, and Blake “Soper,” nothing beats three episodes on Salute Your Shorts. Puhhhhhleassse.
DON’T NOT QUIT YOUR DAY JOB, UNLESS THE INCENTIVE IS A LUXURY CRUISE WITH ANGELA LANSBURY WHERE YOU BOTH CAN ENJOY FRUIT DRINKS AND BLING SUNGLASSES:
$ Modest Mouse
Doubts arise, I'm sure, as to why Neil Hamburger — a stand-up comedian — gets constant mention in the independent music media.
A small HIStory lesson is in order. Neil Hamburger, Christian name Gregg Turkington, was owner of über-independent music label Amarillo Records in the 90s, with a roster that included Faxed Head, Zip Code Rapists, and The Three Doctors — all containing Turkington as a member. Each of those bands, incidentally, also featured Trey Spruance -- yes, of Mr. Bungle and Secret Chiefs 3 fame, but also of the label Web of Mimicry, which later released Chiropractic, Faxed Head's third album.
The music business being what it is (full of decrepit and drug-addled degenerates), Turkington found only moderate success among those with expendable income for all things entertainment. Each band he was in either broke up or slowly faded from existence, an unfortunate byproduct of a glue-sniffing pastime, and shortly thereafter, Neil Hamburger was born, already middle-aged and suffering from lung cancer. A deal with Drag City followed.
Turkington-turned-Hamburger has circulated some interesting rounds lately, including a stint on Fox News' Red Eye. More recently he was a featured guest on Tomgreen.com. But most importantly, he'll be back 'round the Midwest doing his stand-up routine, replete with new material and magician Dr. El Suavo opening some dates. So, what does his stand-up routine have to do with music again? Why don't you pay the $10 and go find out for yourself, you cocksucker!?
* with Dr. El Suavo
# with Daiquiri