Pete Doherty and Shane MacGowan: New Roomies; To Get Wasted, Doherty To Always Lose House Key, MacGowan To Get Pissed, Label All His Food “SM” In Individualized Tupperware Containers and Intentionally Fail to Replace Toilet Paper Out Of Pointed Spite
A snapshot of every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single day of every single week of every single month (etc. etc. etc.) that the recent Pete Doherty and Shane MacGowan roomie-a-go-go loveshacking lasts:
PD: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POUR ME ANOTHER SHOT, BRO!!!!!!!
SM: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... wooooo...
PD: POWER HOUR!!!!!!
SM: Woooooo... wooo... woo.
PD: Let’s jam!
SM: Eh, yea. Woo... woo...
PD: LIVING TOGETHER IS AWESOME. I’M TOTALLY LEARNING, TO LIKE, LIVE. LIFE IS LIKE, SO ALIVE, DUDE. SHOTTTTTIIEEE!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
SM: [Drunk vomiting]... wooo... woo.
It's hot in Chicago. I don't want to sweat anymore. I want it to get cold, really bone-chilling cold. Chicago cold. Snow, whipping down then swirling up because of how treacherous the wind is blowing, making the tallest and third-tallest building in the city sway HARD to scare the warm tourists in the observation towers never to return a thousand or so feet to the ground, because if the weather is this bad so close to heaven, just imagine how bad it would be with the clash of the warm front billowing up from hell.
The tourists would have to stay up there for days. Maybe weeks. When Chicago gets cold, it does for a while. Surrounded by the gray of winter, turned slightly blue because of the tint on the safety glass, the tourists would squint and hope to see the welcoming, warm orange glow of the streetlights below. And on days when the snow is pelting the windows a little less, they might steal a glimpse to get them through the next day, if for no other reason than as a reminder that, no matter what the season, we always long for its inverse. But these tourists have made a home there. What would they do in that box, that motionless glass elevator stuck on the top floor of nowhere?
I imagine they'd read the news. Men from the ground, mutant men evolved to withstand the intense steam heat from hell's core, would load the day's news onto supply carts. After the power would go out and when the tourists would become frightened (though glad to be safe in the sky), some would eventually overcome fear and language barriers to learn to work together, pulling up the carts through the unused elevator shaft. Keep them content for now, the mutants would say; eventually winter will end, because as we all know, heat rises.
The tourists, well-informed and well-fed from below, will miss the finer things in life from before this brutal winter. Their dogs, their bike riding, their human contact, because life in the sky is not as friendly as one might think, even with company. So, they'll squint again, this time across the air to their friends in the other tall building. The tourists will feel most palpably that people are always friendlier when there is some distance between them, on the ground and up high. Two glass elevators, stuck together in the blue-gray, swaying, waiting to heat up and dry out.
It's quiet up there, and the news is good, but it will get lonely. Even with a second box floating somewhere, boredom will set in. Being informed isn't enough. The tourists will want something the mutants can't send up an elevator shaft. The tourists will want art. They'll want something to give them a new understanding of themselves and the information they keep receiving. They'll want to laugh and cry and know what sardonic and poignant material was possible from humans, because that's what they'll miss most of all. During this interlude of leaderless confusion, wondering which move is the right one, a man will be born fully grown. Vic Chesnutt, named after nothing in particular, will play music he learned from an inspired bird that hid in a ceiling panel, afraid to fly south in case an event such as this occurred. Vic Chesnutt will lead the tourists himself. He'll lead them with the feeling they had been missing.
So, the tourists will go down. One by one, lowered down the elevator shaft. The mutants will scatter because they would attack on their own terms, when spirits are broken and people can't feel. But they can feel, and when they get down to the very bottom, they'll feel the heat of winter most vividly. They'll feel it as sardonic and poignant and several other things that, had they just trusted the power of human creation, art, and architecture, they might've avoided this whole ordeal in the first place.
If you love me, you'll read the abbreviated statement below, written on behalf of webcasters and SaveNetRadio. They're pissed that SoundExchange wants to charge small webcasters by percentage rather than on a per-song basis, the latter of which was actually recommended by the CRB. Hey, shit, that does kinda suck. Why those fuckers!
SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 19 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- Thousands of webcasters stand firm by rejecting the most recent Copyright Royalty Rate (CRB) proposal made by ThoseFuckers. The latest take it or leave it "offer" made by ThoseFuckers on behalf of the recording industry has done nothing to further negotiations with webcasters, and a mere 24 small webcasters have felt they had no choice but to give in to the record labels' demands.
"The latest proposal made by ThoseFuckers is extremely disappointing, at a time where we need real progress, not hollow tricks," SaveNetRadio spokesperson Jake Ward said. "While the clock continues to tick for webcasters, ThoseFuckers continues to play games with their good faith. The resounding rejection of this offer should serve as a reminder to ThoseFuckers, and to Congress, that the webcasting community is intent on a lasting and fair resolution to this issue, and willing to fight for it."
This deal is not feasible for anyone who wants to grow their business. It contains the aforementioned $1.25 million revenue cap, which limits growth and puts in place a dangerously low hard ceiling for revenue generation. The Small Business Administration revenue cap for over-the-air broadcasters to be considered a small business is $6.5 million -- this would seem a fair cap, with precedent.
Although several of the webcasters listed below are currently involved in direct negotiations with ThoseFuckers, the process remains exceedingly slow and increasingly unpromising. In the continuing absence of a genuine offer that would allow internet radio to continue to be the vital medium for new music discovery we implore our listeners and fans of internet radio to continue to urge your legislative representatives to pass the Internet Radio Equality Act (HR2060, S.1353).
For information on how you can contact your representative, please visit http://www.savenetradio.org.
Read the full statement here (just be sure to mentally replace each instance of "SoundExchange" with "ThoseFuckers"), and then have a great day, you cute little bugger!
This just in: Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor’s records aren’t selling too well.
But here’s the catch: It’s not his fault, boys and girls!
See, in response to what he sees as high CD prices, the maniacal electro-proto-alterna-metal pioneer offered more than just a nickel’s worth of free advice to his doting Australian fans while performing at a Sydney concert in this YouTube video. "Steal it. Steal away. Give it to your friends," said Reznor -- although, the singer apparently had no problem whatsoever with wasting over seven minutes worth of his unfortunate fan base’s money by, say, NOT playing music at his live show.
But the badass rock-martyr posturing doesn’t stop there! The razor-sharp Reznor had a very similar message for Chinese NIN fans at a (undoubtedly really expensive) music festival in Beijing, saying "It does not seem to be easy to obtain Western music via legal channels, so I have the following suggestion for our fans: If you can find and buy our legal CDs, I express my thanks for your support. If you cannot find it, I think that downloading from the internet is a more acceptable option than buying pirated CDs... If you like our songs after you've heard them, please feel free to share it with your friends." Sadly, no one on Reznor’s road crew could bear to tell him that (all) Chinese people speak Chinese and not English, but he had his moment.
Apparently, this whole thing stems from sometime back in May, when the venerable Mr. Reznor sounded-off on the unfairly high prices of music pricing and packaging, including the pricing of his killer Year Zero album, which was selling for the equivalent of almost US $30 in Australia. And seeing as how he has no intentions of dropping the ticket prices on any of his concerts or anything like that -- $110 bucks-a-pair, according to this guy -- the only due course of action is for NIN fans around the world to open up their hearts and share the dour, unfocused, shit-pissy, Reznor love!
Woo! Yeah! Fuck the establishment!
But still, you’ve got to give the man a little credit, I suppose. Even though he’s firmly entering into what can only euphemistically be spun as the “twilight” of his bright, bright (so bright!) career, at least he still has the wherewithal to at least pretend like he’s still got some passion left!
Now, if only that passion was being harnessed to make his new records a little better, he’d be set...
All you can eat, $7.50. Of course the roast beef is always lathered with a rippling brown emulsion, and while the mashed potatoes are good and lumpy, they hold together about as well as the nervously glued biscuits in the back. But it’s getting late, and by 10:30, the green beans have their own evolutionary survival mechanism -- their caked-on buttery sheath slides off the serving spoon like oil off the tarmac. Cups of coffee swirl with murky sediment creating continents of filmy white bubbles, while those who are left await patiently for Grand Buffet to unveil its specialty dish, King Vision. To the side, the salad turns unnoticed.
For dessert, self-serve your own ice cream, dip in the chocolate gravel pit of sprinkles, then it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos... nah make ‘em Xxtra Flamin’ Hot. The spicy flavor nudges your nerve receptors just right, and a flood of endorphins come piling through the levies of your neural pathways, before the cerebrum comes to and you realize the bag is empty, your party of four is halfway to the movie theatre, and the fingers on your hand have morphed into a hunk of powdery red goo.
But if you want a plate at Grand Buffet, you gotta get in line. Starts on the left:
$ Of Montreal & MGMT
# early show
Famous porn station Cartoon Network has teamed up with America's Next Top Model Ghostface Killah for a 12-date, nationwide campus tour starting in October. Joining Ghostface is the wonderful hip-hop/spoken word artist Witchdoctor (a.k.a. Erin Johnson), but perhaps the most noteworthy part for you cheap, torrent-using pirates is that the show is free and open to the public -- it's like a whole new kind of piracy!
The tour is one of two announced tours by Adult Swim, the second featuring ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead and a live version of Dethklok, the heavy metal band from Adult Swim's Metalocalypse. Dates for that tour have yet to be announced, but who cares when you can keep tagging along with Ghostface on another tour. After the Adult Swim stint, Ghostface will perform at the Vegoose Festival before heading out on a 19-date tour with Rakim and Brother Ali. I caught up with Ghostface to talk about shit.
Thanks for doing this interview, Ghostface.
No problem, man. I love Tiny Mix Tapes. You have the best journalism on the net. Truthful, insightful, penetrating. Plus, now I listen to great music -- not shit like Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson!
Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?
Their music doesn't say anything.
Did you ever see them move? They're saying plenty, baby.
What's wrong, Ghostface?
Men, especially Grant Purdum.
Hey, don't judge us by our worst specimen.
Universal Wants To Marry Your Dad and Force You To Eat Dinner, Even Though You Totally Despise Chicken Alfredo
I've never been one to call my dad an internet service provider (ISP), but he is definitely a provider of financial backing when it comes to college, and I thank him for that. Love ya, Dad! Nonetheless, an ISP is an important part of my daily life, especially being in college and no longer having to deal with the dial-up hell I lived in when my primary residence was across from a barn (thanks again, Dad). Without an ISP, I'd be totally without an outlet to the world to write horribly written news stories such as the one you are reading for an even worse website. Why do you come here anyway?
Oh, what's that? You wanted to know what ridiculous shit Universal has been trying to pull out of their ass as of late? Well, let me clue you in as quick as I can, because chicken alfredo sounds pretty good right now, and I'm fuggin' hungry.
1. Universal automatically assumes you are using P2P to trade their music illegally.
2. Universal has come up with a plan to get money from you when you use P2P to trade their music illegally.
3. This very tentative plan is called TotalMusic and involves your ISP and an extra $15 a month from you.
4. Even if you don't download music or you hate music, you still would have to pay the extra $15 a month if Universal and your ISP sleep together.
5. Universal will begin watermarking all of their music. DRM for the win, supposedly.
6. Wired's Listening Post writer Eliot Van Buskirk says the two major problems with TotalMusic are as follows:
There are two clear problems with this plan, both involving parties being forced to opt in to the system. First, it would charge all of an ISP's subscribers for accessing the music even if they don't want it and aren't downloading it. Second, a forced opt-in organization like SoundExchange would have to administer the system for all artists and labels; otherwise rights holders and ISPs would need to negotiate a near infinite number of deals in order to offer the 100% catalog coverage consumers would demand for their monthly fee.
So to sum this all up; Universal wants to automatically charge you for music, regardless of whether or not you download it.
The epidemic of Lyrics Born illness that has swept uncontrollably across Australia in the past month is expected to hit the United States by mid-October, says Julie Louise Gerberding, M.D., M.P.H., director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Thousands of Australians are already mad ill. Some are even suffering from what scientists refer to as ‘terminal flow,’” implored Dr. Gerberding, in a recent press conference. “We need to act now, before our whole country is g’d up from the feet up.”
Dr. Gerberding made it clear in her speech that it is not if but when America will be hit by this particularly devastating strain of silly freshness. Scientists have even predicted a date and location for patient zero: October 18 in Eureka, California. You can do your part by watching this informational video and listening to the tracks on Lyrics Born’s MySpace page with your family. Also be sure to watch out for the following symptoms:
- Sick beats
- Infectious lyricism
- Spitting hot fire
- The involuntary compulsion to throw ones hands in the air, wave them with no regard to consequence.
Scientists expect the outbreak to travel as follows:
* Del the Funky Homosapian
** Ryan Shaw
Ragged rockstar Frank Black and cooler-than-thou actor Johnny Depp may have more in common than you think.
Sure, the two rebels might make the girls scream for entirely different reasons, and Black doesn't exactly measure-up in the, uh... well, "hair" department. But still, damned if they aren't both ego-maniacs, damned if they aren't both cult figures that seem to make their target audience swoon no matter what (and considering that whole Charlie and the Chocolate Factory thing, that's saying a lot), and damned if they aren't both more or less unintelligible when delivering their most famous roles.
Yup. It's hard to believe, but the only real difference between these two sons of bitches (besides the hair and level of beauty) is that old boy Johnny Depp only acts like a crazy-ass pirate when the cameras are rolling, but Frank Black just dials up the lunacy whenever the hell he feels like it.
Case in point, the ever duplicitous Black will be sailing down the Pacific coast after re-donning his much more dubious and decidedly more mercenary-like stage name "Black Francis" (an alias which the mad singer hasn't employed since his days captaining Pixies' ship in ye olde 1990s) to promote NOT a Pixies Record, but none other than his newly fashioned solo record (also recorded under the "Black Francis" moniker), which was recently released via the Cooking Vinyl label and contains just about as many gruff growls and crack-mouthed snarls as even the most consumptive of 17th-century pirates would utter.
And the record's name? Bluefinger.
See? Sounds like pirate talk to me.
But just to make things a little weirder (i.e., a little more like At World's End), let me remind all you land-lovers that Captain Black Francis' new album was reportedly influenced by the deceased Dutch painter/musician Herman Brood, who Black says was the "Dutch personification of 'sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.'" So, I guess this is some sort of racial thing? Hmmm...
Either way, the dates below only pillage the West Coast, but Black's ship is at the mercy of the trade winds, so keep your spyglasses peeled for additional dates as they develop.
MediaDefender, one of the more pernicious organizations dedicated to anti-piracy measures against P2P and torrent sites, is in a little bit of a mess right now. Reason being that over 700MB of company e-mail has been hacked by a group who dashingly refer to themselves as ‘MediaDefender-Defenders.’ These e-mails were released onto BitTorrent -- of course -- over the weekend and verily, they are a sight to behold.
Owned by ARTISTdirect, MediaDefender basically operates by setting up accounts on torrent sites spreading fake files across file-sharing networks. The company is then able to collate IP addresses of users downloading the files and send copyright infringement notices to ISPs and/or launch denial of service attacks against the distributors. For example, the fragrantly named a55talk on torrentreactor.to is the 47th most prolific uploader on the site, yet the e-mails reveal that this particular scat-lover was a creation of MediaDefender. Best not download your copy of Curtis from there, eh kids? Maybe you should get it from any of the torrent sites that MediaDefender don’t monitor -- an easier job, now that I can give you a list of the sites that it trains its piggy little eyes upon (top to bottom in order of ‘strength of presence’):
You’d think, given the humanitarian bent of MediaDefender’s work, that it would be doing it all purely for the love of the job. Not so, according to another of the indiscreet e-mails. It states that MediaDefender charges a sweet $4,000 a month for ‘protecting’ one album or $2,000 a month to throw those comforting, motherly arms around a single track. Certainly not chump change. So, who is MediaDefender charging? According to its website: "MediaDefender has been contracted by every major record label and every major movie studio, video game publishers, software publishers, and anime publishers."
Perhaps the most intriguing electronic missives concern the MiiVi.com site that appeared a couple of months back. Basically, this site was a super-fast download portal that also encouraged users to download an app that would enable increased download speeds. Instead, the app was a trojan horse that searched the user’s computer for illegally downloaded material, and all the files on the site were corrupted -- which isn’t surprising considering the site was owned and operated by MediaDefender. And how was this discovered? A simple check of WHOIS revealed that MediaDefender had been too busy wiping its cocaine-gorged nose with $100 bills to bother covering up the fact that the MiiVi domain registration was in its name. As MediaDefender’s glorious leader, Randy Saaf, said in an e-mail when he learned of the busting, “This is really fucked. Let’s pull miivi offline.” Naturally, at the time, Saaf was eager to deny that MiiVi was any sort of honey-pot, that it was merely an internal experiment that was mistakenly released onto the wider internet. Patent bullshit, of course, and the e-mails indeed appear to confirm that he was lying, as they include comments concerning the current take-up rate of the MiiVi trojan horse by members and a discussion of the possibility of relaunching the site under the name of viide.com. The dudes still couldn’t work out how to mask the domain ownership, though...
There’s a ton more information contained in the e-mails, and I’d recommend you visit your friendly neighborhood torrent site for some quick download action should you want to read more. Can’t read? Then why not listen to some leaked MediaDefender phone calls? Considering that the e-mails also contained the names, addresses, and phone numbers of all the main officials of the company, those at MediaDefender can probably expect one or two billion unexpected pizza deliveries in the near future.