Willowz: [adopting the accent and tone of Paulie ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri, from The Sopranos] Heyyyy Grant, how are ya sport! Nice eyelineah, Nancy boiiii! Say, you reviewed our new CD yet?
Grant: What? I--... no.
Willowz: Curious. We sent yas the CD eight montts ago!
Grant: I know, I know. Actually, I’m kind of relieved to see you because I’ve been meaning to tell you that I dig Chataqua a lot, seriously.
Willowz: Tanks. I wish it didn’t require a ‘seriously,’ but tanks.
Grant: I’m just sayin’ you know, in case you thought I was dodgin’ ya. [laughs nervously]
Willowz: Oh, and what would give us that idea? [punches Grant straight in the gravy basket, cracks him on the face with a roundhouse left, then gives our beleaguered reporter a toe-punch to the stomach] Fackin’ deadbeat.
Grant: I’m-sorry I’m-sorry, look, maybe I can write a news story [cough, gasp] or... I dunno, recommend it to my [spit bloody loogy]... friends.
Willowz: Yeah, ye’re gonna recommend it tah yah friends AN relatives [another kick, more gentle this time, which I appreciate], am I making myself cleah? Othahwise I scoop out ya eyes like a coupla pitted olives I’d find in a nice antipaste... you know, ‘cause I like ta eat. You’ve seen my show.
Grant: Yes, you could even say I’ve borrowed ideas from the show quite a bit. And yes sir, I’ll get right on that. I won’t come up short next time... in fact, how about this; next time I review a Willowz CD, I’ll add two points.
Grant: That I can’t do.
Willowz: G, I’ms askin’ you ta reconsidah!
Grant: Well, ok. Now, I’m off to pick up some mozzarella...
Willowz: Woah-ho-ho Ernhawt, slow down, ain’t you forgettin’ somethin’? I mean, you’s gonna mention da’ touah too, right?
Grant: The... wha--.... the what?
Willowz: THE TOUAH, THE TOUAH... the TOUah.
Grant: Oh right. But how will I write a Tour News story without everyone knowing that a well-known gangster stereotype has coerced me into it?
Willowz: I’m sure you’ll think a somethin’. Fackin’ deadbeat.
And so it goes:
* w/ The Detroit Cobras
The Cure to Tour This September in Support of Pending Release, Titled Maybe We’re Born With It, Maybe It’s Maybelline!; Tyra Banks to Bitch Slap Cover Girl Execs for Losing Album Title Plug to Better-Taglined Makeup Rival; America’s Next Top Model Girls To Put Tyra Out of Her Marginally Overweight Misery
NOTE: Included are three letters written to those most likely to be emotionally, spiritually, and seriously, honestly, sincerely, affected by news of The Cure’s fall tour and pending album release.
Dear Billie Joe Armstrong,
Grab a figurative tissue for those raccoon eyes. You’re about to go Wake Me Up When September Ends* on us.
Your trailblazing predecessors, i.e., those who wore smudgy black eyeliner before you, i.e. The Cure, are set to start touring this September.
The thing is, after giving your rabble-rousing, life-changing, rock-and-fucking-rolling American Idiot album an oh-so-righteous spin, it seems you’ve already got plans hiding under the sheets all September, being drenched in your pain (again?) and becoming who you are. Oh, man!
Please accept these from me to you for the long, hard, soul-emptying month o’ depression. I’m sincerely sorry you’re missing The Cure’s first month of touring! Maybe you’ll buy the album they’re releasing? Maybe we’ll go see them in October, when you wake up?
Lunch date, soon, okay?
* Re: a whiny, shrill, Buffy the Vampire Slayer-watching, diary-keeping, Ben & Jerry-binging, "it’s that time of the month" brand of bitchy. No, seriously, though. You taught us, Billie! WAR IS SENSELESS! Now that you’ve earned a “Renegade of the Year” title from Rolling Stone given the wild success of your CONCEPT ALBUM!, trumpeting such incendiary Jesus of Suburbia musings, I GET THAT WAR IS SENSELESS, not to trust my government, and to subsequently question whether you are in fact the Christ to Bono’s God the Father. Amen, peace be with you. Seriously.
Dear Tyra Banks,
The Cure looks better in eye makeup.
Okay, I’m kidding. You don’t look a little rough next to the girls on America’s Next Top Model, not at all. Not even when you wear weird headbands. Never. Especially not then.
Look, a cheeseburger!
Kidding. Honestly. You totally have three or so hot points on Kirstie Alley.
Go see The Cure. In spirit of eyeliner! Makeup tips for da’ models? For you?
THE REAL DEAL: The Cure’s album, still no word on its name, is set for release sometime this fall.
As for the tour, tickets went on sale yesterday (Thursday), and are now available. 65 Days of Static are slotted as the opening gig for The Cure (including Robert Smith, Simon Gallup, Jason Cooper, and Porl Thompson).
Eyeliner is always sexy, Kirstie Alley rarely is:
Sure, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood NOW, but don’t get too used to all of those good vibes and happy tunes, kids. Because even as we speak, the top handpuppet himself is packing his bags, hugging Lady Elaine goodbye, and taking the last red-eye trolley the fuck out of that whimsical, little fantasy land.
That’s right, boys and girls. King Frida... er, uh... I mean, Tim Kinsella himself has recently announced that he is not long for the world of Make Believe.
Kinsella, fastidious frontman/screwball singer of longtime love-‘em-or-hate-‘em anti-band Joan of Arc, has been handling singing duties in the slightly more straightforward (“straightforward” of course for the Kinsella Clan being a relative term) noisy math-rock project Make Believe since 2003. The supergroup of sorts contained members of the same seemingly revolving-door music club that produced great fan-polarizers like Cap’n Jazz, Owls, Joan of Arc, etc. and had just completed the writing for their whopping third full-length record in as many years when T-Kin dropped the bomb via the, shall-we-say “minimalist” Joan of Arc website that he’d be resigning his duties after the new record is finished.
“The new record is written and it sounds great to me; I have been very excited about the songs and have put a lot of work into getting my contributions for them together,” Kinsella posted last week. “But I know once the record is recorded I would be miserable if I had to go on tour and continue the rock band lifestyle which I have felt less and less connection to for a long while now.” Well, if nothing else, it’s good to see that, like any neighborhood of Make Believe resident worth his button-nose, Kinsella is in bigtime touch with his feelings.
The frazzled frontman continued: “I really like my wife a lot. And puttering about the house making weird stuff all day means everything to me. And I feel a strong sense of community at home that means a lot to me, and though I know I have been very lucky to have had the opportunities to travel, I really enjoy leaving Chicago less and less all the time.
“Being a sort of bizzaro David Lee Roth or whatever is kind of fun and fulfilling in some sort of way, but not something I have in me to prioritize enough to commit the time to that the band would require of me. And I don't want to let my friends down and hold them back from doing what they want to be doing. By leaving the group now, while the songs for the new record are still in pliable forms, they can finish the record without me and then be able to tour in support of it and continue onward in whatever new form they come up with.”
Wait. Soooo... is he saying that he doesn’t want to be “just a gigolo” anymore? Either way, for those concerned about Diamond Dave Jr.’s place in his day-job band Joan of Arc, have no fear. You haven’t heard the last of them.
“I have a pile of new songs to pull from for a new Joan of Arc record and am looking forward to having time to develop them in the fall, but I am also looking forward to taking my time and going into hermit-mode for awhile.”
Well, Tim, what can we say? The neighborhood will never be quite so beautiful without your brightly-colored tunics. Maybe we’ll see you around down by the Museum-Go-Round sometime? Oh, and best of luck “puttering about the house making weird stuff” and all of that. God bless that wife of yours. She must be a real saint...
Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhla
Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop!
In May 2007, Stars released Do You Trust Your Friends?, an album of guest remixes by a number of the band’s favorite musicians. Some critics loved it, some critics hated it. We didn’t review it, but I still thought it was pretty good. So, in that ‘do you trust your friends’ spirit, I present the following text written by my friend Meg:
He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. So, if you are a preteen ogling over the boy who tripped you at the planetarium on last week’s fieldtrip, all you get out of this is a few dead daisies and an inconclusive probability. If you are the Canadian Arts & Crafts band Stars, however, you’ve got the basis for every superstructure song-to-be that’s ever graced one of your album’s track lists. The exciting part is, this perpetually lovelorn foursome are getting ready to release a whole new bouquet for our enjoyment coming up on September 25th of this year. So what’s to expect? The album, entitled In Our Bedroom After the War, invites the conclusion that this release (note track titles) will continue to spin narratives worthy of Updike-esque romantic proportions; rife with hesitation and excitement, thrill and lust, and, of course, awkward entrapment with ex-lovers in tiny enclosed spaces. For a band that has consistently captured the charts and minds of the indie music scene, its release is nothing less than highly anticipated. My prediction? Get ready to sigh, stare off in memory’s dramatic rapture, and unbury the ex’s old t-shirt to wear as pajamas along with the rest of the alternative listening community as we immerse ourselves in what will prove to be another beautiful entanglement of precious melodics and lyrical he-said she-said excellence. Until then? Uncover the recently remixed versions of Stars’ songs on their highly unlocatable project Do You Trust Your Friends? And as for my predictions? Well…you can ask yourself the same question.
09.06.07 – Grand Rapids, MI – Calvin College Fine Arts Center
09.08.07 –Montreal, QC – Osheaga Festival
09.09.07 – Toronto, ON – Virgin Festival
In an unprecedentedly trashy business move, Interscope Geffen A&M (Time Warner BMG Nabisco CIA) announced this week that it will team up with Drinks Americas Holdings to produce a line of drinks branded with the name of a hot new Interscope artist. Together, the two unfortunately-named companies will develop concepts and marketing approaches -- though based on my suggestions in the headline, they could really cut their work in half by hiring me.
Drinks Americas Holdings already has a long and storied history in the field of novelty beverages: Donald Trump Super Premium Vodka and Willie Nelson's Old Whiskey River Bourbon didn't just appear in your pantry from nowhere, you see. According to the company (which is always a good place to go for any cold, hard facts), the liquified essence of Trump will have sold 100,000 cases by the end of its first year.
The lucky Interscope artists have not yet been revealed, but a number of possibilities have been hinted at and given the "wink wink" when asked about. Eminem, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent (try, try again!), Busta Rhymes, G-Unit, Daddy Yankee, Sheryl Crow, Enrique Iglesias, Chris Cornell, and Gwen Stefani are all viable possibilities, and it is a testament to both companies that they've chosen a list of artists that could have been developed (and would have made more sense) nearly five years ago. The fate of Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" Rum seems very uncertain and shaky. Nearly as shaky as the person who downs a whole bottle of it by themself and tears into a double-time rendition of "If It Makes You Happy."
J. Patrick Kenny, CEO of Drinks Americas, said, "There is a large opportunity here for both companies to generate substantial incremental revenue and profits and create valuable assets." Golly, that sounds delicious! Just make sure these drinks bear no similarities to the Powerpuff Girls-themed bottle of "Belly Washers" I tried once and later heaved back out into the sink. Pay a little bit closer attention to the ingredients this time... please?
At a certain point in a band’s career, if they stick it out long enough, if they deal with the bullshit critics and the fickle kids, they’ll get a free license to be mediocre, lazy, or just plain suck every once and a while. It’s like being a good-band emeritus, a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card. Like Buddy Cianci -- we know you never stopped caring about Providence, so what’s a little assault between friends. For example, let’s consider all those albums in-between SMiLE (’66) and SMiLE (’04) taken care of. Idlewho? I’m already over it. And all those bad ’80s albums by legendary rockers. I know you couldn’t resist when the engineer said all the cool cats made their drums sound like that, so we’ll let it slide.
Then there’s these guys. Ween can afford to be bad. Why? Let’s look at the evidence.
That said, I’ve got no opinion one way or the other on their new Friends EP. I’m just saying they’ve earned a little slack. Ween say this fall they’ll release a full-length album on a “real” label, which will be a distilled version of the “well over 50 or 60 songs” they recently laid out at their 24-track, 2-inch tape-equipped farmhouse. This one’s on Chocodog:
Guitar Center Inc. Goes Private, Tools of Musical Rebellion Now to be Sold Exclusively by The Man, Bob Dylan Outraged, Jakob Dylan a Hack
Know how you HATE going into Guitar Center because you can’t pick up a goddamned thing without the ponytailed, tatted-up floor-rep who’s “only doing this as a day-job while his band looks for a new drummer so they can finish their demo in their other guitarist’s friend’s dad’s home-studio and send it to their bassist’s dad’s cousin’s boss because he works in A&R?” locking onto you like a fuckin’ heat-seeker (a rather carbuncular heat-seeker, mind you) and trying like Rocky Balboa to stick you with the biggest, most expensive sale that he possibly can??
Welp, Private Equity Firm Bain Capital Partners LLC must have made one scraggly salesman into the happiest Metallica fan since The Black Album when it waltzed into the mammoth maze of Marshal Amps and announced, amid the din of choppy, awkward “Brainstew” and “Come as You Are” riffs, that they’d take... EVERYTHING!
Yes, much to the surprise of... well... I don’t know who... business nerds who actually keep track of this kind of shit, I guess... anyway, much to the surprise of SOMEONE SOMEWHERE, the private firm purchased the entire musical instrument empire, known professionally as Guitar Center Inc., for roughly $1.9 billion plus assumed debt earlier last week (that debt presumably refers to all of those financed Flying V’s, China Cymbals, and Line 6 Amplifiers that haven’t been paid off yet). The total value of the transaction, expected to close in the fourth quarter, is approximately $2.1 billion, which the company will promptly put on its dad and step-mom’s MasterCard as soon as they provide Guitar Center with a phone number and zip code.
Under the terms of this deal (don’t worry; they have deals EVERY weekend), Guitar Center stockholders will receive $63 in cash per share, marking a 26% premium over its closing price this past Tuesday. Guitar Center shares were up 18.8% or $9.44 at $59.50 on the NASDAQ after hitting a high of $60.35 earlier in the session...
HUH? WHA? Uh... oh yeah, and according to Billboard.com, as of March 31, the company had 30.17 million diluted shares outstanding, as reported in its first-quarter earnings report. In May, there was some talk ‘round the financial schoolyard that Guitar Center was exploring a possible sale. Once they realized they couldn’t sell to themselves because of the shitty deal they’d probably get on the trade-in, they hired an investment bank to explore strategic alternatives.
Credit Suisse Analyst Gary Balter said the company "seems like the perfect LBO." (Shhh! No dude, I don’t know what that means either. Just act cool...) "They have a dominant retail position in a high service business yet significantly under-earn other high service oriented retail segments," Balter wrote in a research note following Guitar Center's announcement.
Balter also added he would not be surprised if the company's Music & Arts division, specializing in band instruments for teachers, band directors, and students, is sold after the current deal is closed. But then again, one wonders if a man whose job is “Credit Suisse Analyst” is ever really surprised by anything.
But enough talk, kids. What does this all mean for YOU, the Guitar Center Consumer/St. Anger Enthusiast? Well, don’t worry, you’ll still hear all of those sweet radio ads, and you’ll still be able to get hustled into purchasing all of the kick-dick gear you need to get that gig opening for Finger 11. Sure, the music store might be privately owned by “The Man” now, but Rock ‘n’ Roll can NEVER DIE.
Hey, Hey. My, my.
Texas' best sextet Okkervil River are back and going on tour this September in support of their fourth full-length release, The Stage Names, due August 7 on Jagjaguwar. The album was recorded in Austin with co-producer Brian Beattie, mixed by Jim Eno of Spoon at his studio Public Hi-Fi, and will be the first we've heard of Okkervil River since 2005's Black Sheep Boy.
The band will be turning 10 next year, and you're all invited to their birthday party. <3
The Stage Names tracklisting:
1. Our Life is Not a Movie or Maybe
2. Unless It's Kicks
3. A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene
4. Savannah Smiles
5. Plus Ones
6. A Girl in Port
7. You Can't Hold the Hand of a Rock and Roll Man
8. Title Track
9. John Allyn Smith Sails
07.14.07 - Concord, NH - Capitol Center for the Arts *
09.03.07 - Casbah, San Diego, CA
09.04.07 - Troubadour, Los Angeles, LA
09.05.07 - Independent, San Francisco, CA
09.08.07 - Berbati's Pan (MusicFest NW), Portland, OR
09.09.07 - Richard's on Richards, Vancouver, British Columbia
09.10.07 - Neumos, Seattle, WA
09.13.07 - Marquee Theater, Denver, CO
09.14.07 - Waiting Room, Omaha, NE
09.15.07 - Picador, Iowa City, IA
09.18.07 - Logan Square Auditorium, Chicago, IL
09.19.07 - The Canopy Club (Pygmalion Festival), Urbana, IL
09.24.07 - Higher Ground, Burlington, VT
09.25.07 - Middle East, Boston, MA
09.26.07 - Iron Horse, Northampton, MA
09.28.07 - Webster Hall, New York, NY
09.29.07 - Johnny Brenda's, Philadelphia, PA
09.30.07 - Rock and Roll Hotel, Washington, DC
10.02.07 - Cat's Cradle, Carrboro, NC
10.03.07 - 40 Watt, Athens, GA
10.06.07 - Walter's on Washington, Houston, TX
* Lando + Ron Noyes
All other dates with Damien Jurado
English electro-pop duo Pet Shop Boys have finally crossed over into Stateside success and have charted at number 2 on the Hot 100 chart, riding the wave of their smash hit "Party Like a Rockstar." After 25 years of international acclaim but almost universal snubbing in the red, white, and blue spotlight, the seminal disco-dance group have struck gold with their raucous chorus and deadpan lyrics, "Party like a rockstar! (t-t-t-totally dude!)," accompanying somewhat of a musical paradigm shift. "Me and my band, man, on the yacht with Marilyn Manson. Gettin' a tan man," sings Neil Tennant in a cadence we've yet to hear on any of the band's nearly 30 albums.
...Wait, what? "Party Like A Rockstar" is the Shop Boyz?! Goddamn it!! Does a "z" really create a loophole in copyright law?
So, turns out U.S. audiences still don't give a shit, but the aged synth masters are still releasing a new DVD through Rhino entitled Pet Shop Boys: Cubism In Concert. I'm not quite sure what that means, but the disc takes concert footage from a November 14, 2006 show, live from Mexico City's Auditorio Nacional. If only for "West End Girls," the DVD is a must-have for all PSB completists, even if the band didn't get to open last week's BET Awards Live from the red carpet like their moniker-misappropriating counterparts. The DVD also contains commentary, interviews, and behind-the-scenes footage. Don't they all?
"Trippin' with the Osbournes / I seen the show with Travis Barker":
Pet Shop Boys: Cubism In Concert:
Boredoms Team Up With Prurient, Release Cover Of Weezer’s “Tired Of Sex,” Wake Up From Nightmare, Tour
In accordance with the spirit of the free "77 Drummers" performance going on in Brooklyn on 07.07.07, along with the addition of a smattering of shows surrounding that date, we at TMT would like to highlight the 77 things in life that are more important (only slightly) than seeing Boredoms in concert at least once.
Seeing Boredoms in concert is only marginally less important than getting your doctorate, paying child support, returning mail to the post office that wasn't addressed to you, keeping a healthy diet, brushing your teeth after every meal, getting your cavities filled, seeing a doctor about your heart palpitations, running away from a group of skinheads holding guns, balancing your checkbook, saying you're sorry for euthanizing your friend's dog, letting your cat out of the cold garage, buying a return ticket for your trip to Oslo, keeping your social security number out of the hands of your convict ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, rearranging all your books in alphabetical order by genre, throwing out the trash to make the fruit flies in your kitchen travel elsewhere, keeping your margins justified when writing term papers on Edmund Burke, thinking of a good word that rhymes with zeitgeist, force-feeding a loved one Fig Newtons to keep them from telling you something important, watching the airline stewardess pretend to blow into the orange tubes in her floatation device, and printing your own money just to have a heaping pile of benjamins resting on the floor next to your bed.
As you can see, there aren't many events more important than seeing Boredoms. The only things more important to spend your money on are swing sets, saltwater taffy, charred laptop hard drives, not-overly-spotted-brown bananas, porkchops, swimming pools filled with foam squares, two-liter bottles filled with water that form tornados when swirled, functional Snoopy-shaped light switches, love letters written on bamboo paper, preschool macaroni art, expensive Super Nintendo cleaning kits, ripped book dust jackets, fuzzy hanging dice in cars, bellybutton lint of various colors, sweaty slices of cheddar cheese, computers that sing "Daisy Bell," the complete works of John Stuart Mill, waterlogged vacuum cleaners, hand-buzzers, and unintelligible vanity license plates.
Boredoms are important people, let's not forget. So important, in fact, that the only people more important to meet on Earth are Marc Bolan, Joseph Stalin, Ivan Turgenev, Baby Huey, Bo Jackson, Dave Thomas, McGee (of McGee and Me fame), Artie (strongest man in the world), Scott Stapp, Djuna Barnes, Heathcliff, Valentina Tereshkova (first woman in space), Lucille Bogan, James M. Kilts (CEO of Gillette), Matt Weir, Gustave Flaubert, ? (of ? and the Mysterians fame), Laurence Fishburne, Charles Mingus, Shrek, Mobb Deep, Grimace, Bo Jackson (this time playing a different sport), Werner Herzog, Klaus Kinski, Rodion Raskolnikov, Tipper Gore, Chris Benoit, Randy Newman, Boba Fett, Michael Ian Black, Aristotle, James Naismith, Bud Cort, Crazy Frog, Leslie Keffer, and your own mother.
Setting aside these trifling 77 instances, seeing Boredoms in concert is the most important thing you can do. Ever.