Frog Eyes Divide MDs Everywhere and Tour (Oh, and They’re Not Emo)

My first exposure to Frog Eyes came at a college radio station. The MD that reviewed it pissed and moaned about how terrible Carey Mercer’s voice was. Naturally, I listened to it and nearly croaked right there... how could people hear this and not devour it like a tall stack ‘o Aunt Jemima pancakes? From there it was all over for me. I delighted in the bright-yellow shower that was The Golden River, shook The Bloody Hand, and read the fortune of The Folded Palm. Then I realized that the guy reviewing it was kind of a wiener (pronounced, ‘veener’). A harmless wiener, but a wiener nonetheless.

As the weeks went by, he blessed me with several other nuggets of information, including:

a) Minus The Bear are ‘emo’

b) the best thing to do when someone catches you talking shit is to go, “Whaaaaaaaaat?” in a high-pitched voice

c) Mono “totally copy Mogwai”

d) when you first get off a plane it’s completely OK — in fact, preferred — to give Grantie your bags/coat and run to the Mens Room for 25 minutes

e) if it ain’t VU, mid-tempo, alt. country-inspired indie-rock or something released in the early- to mid-’80s it ain’t no damn good

f) Shuggee Otis is the only funk musician worth knowing about

g) simply being vagi-, I mean vegetarian isn’t enough; you must also make comments or groan every time a co-worker eats a piece of meat in your presence... unless it’s fish, because fish totally can’t like, feel and stuff... and chicken, because it’s totally like, not really meat anyway

h) it is totally and completely possible to fall desperately in love with someone in Texas over the course of three days

i) if you talk to a girl once or twice you have “dibs” for the next six months

j) gaining five pounds is a tragedy

k) it is totally and completely possible for a dude to be lovable and personable despite the quirks listed above

Although Frog Eyes probably don't know this dude, I just KNOW they wrote all nine of the songs from upcoming album Tears of the Valedictorian (to be dropped May 1) for him.

Contact your local music director for more sooper-fun tips for living:

Tracklist for Valedictorian:

Vashti “Punxsutawney” Bunyan Goes On Groundhog’s Day U.S. Tour

Those who closely follow singer-songwriter Vashti Bunyan's career know she is wildly passionate about two things: Goldeneye for Nintendo 64, and [Groundhog's Day}. In between first to ten, power weapons in the bunker, no-Oddjob death matches, Bunyan has made time to go on an eight-stop tour of the eastern U.S., starting on, appropriately, Groundhog's Day.

If, after the final show is over, Bunyan sees her shadow while leaving the building, she has promised to change her name to Punxsutawney Bunyan and then go on six more weeks of tour. In any case, I'm going get stuck watching that Bill Murray movie with my extended family over the weekend.

Fuck groundhogs:

Jay-Z Re-Launches Cherry Coke, Line Of Jay-Z-Boy Furniture

Mmmmm soda! Mmmm-mmm-mmmm soda! Hi kids! Oh that was weak, let's try that again. Hi kids! Woah! Okay, you guys are ready for some fun and some d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s soda! It's National Health Awareness Week sponsored by Coca-Cola and we are here to tell you about all the healthy benefits of being healthy. Healthy. Hmmm, what does that mean? Healthy.

Well, healthy can mean eating right. Healthy can mean exercising. But most of all, healthy means feeling good. Who feels good right now? Any kids overweight? Yeah? Go ahead and put your hands down, you aren't healthy. That's what we're here for! Come on up, all the big kids, come on, don't be shy.

As they slowly come up, lets recap. What does healthy mean? You, go ahead and answer. Feeling good? Yessir! Here's a Cherry Coke! Enjoy Coke. Some health nuts are going to throw a lot of buzzwords and mumbo-jumbo at you like, "Healthy means eating -- blech -- carrots! And -- yuck -- celery!" All you have to do is smile and know that a sweet, sweet, dewy-sweet Cherry Coke is waiting for you in the cafeteria vending machines. Enjoy Coke. And you know what, it's cool to drink Cherry Coke! It's cool to be healthy!

Is everyone up on stage? No? We'll wait. Okay, I've got a special secret just for you bigs, so don't tell those guys out there. Being healthy isn't something to be afraid of; it's a no-pressure friend who just wants to be there for you when you eat salty things and need a sugary, caffeinated pick-me-up. Now, I've arranged for your principal to let you out of any class you'd like, if you spend the time getting healthy by the Cherry Coke vending machines. We need you. To get healthy!

Now here's a treat for all of you! To kick off National Health Awareness Week sponsored by Coca-Cola, we've invited hip-hop artist Jay-Z and his fashion company Rocawear to play you a few of his new Cherry Coke-inspired commercial music videos! Cool! Cherry Coke and being healthy have a new face, and it's Jay-Z putting the edge back in Cherry Coke. Enjoy Coke. Don't forget to buy Rocawear, and don't forget to look for our cool healthy ad campaign on such mediums as: TV, radio, print, and internet. Get ready and let's welcome Cherry Coke spokesman and health maniac, Jay-Z!

Walkmen Drivecars, Tourcities, Playsongs

The Walkmen are back on tour this March, so if you haven't listened to any of their albums yet, now is the time to catch up. As a public service, we at TMT would like to give you a head-start by transcribing the lyrics to their biggest hit thus far. That way, you won't be the only one not singing along at their shows:

"Hot sun beating down / Burning my feet just walking around Hot sun making me sweat / Gator's getting close, hasn't got me yet

I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling everything

Blue jeans sitting on the beach / Her dog's talking to me, but she's out of reach
She's got a body under that shirt / But all she wants to do is rub my face in the dirt

I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk
I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling

Oh, and checking everything is in place / You never know who's looking on
Young punk spilling beer on my shoes / Fat guys talking to me trying to steal my blues
Thick smoke, see her smiling through / I never thought so much could happen just shooting pool

I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling

Oh, and checking everything is in place / You never know who's looking on
A perfect body with a perfect face / UH-HUH!

No, I can't dance, I can't talk / Only thing about me is the way I walk
No, I can't dance, I can't sing / I'm just standing here selling everything."

Even the most callous listener cannot deny the power of these words set to heavenly music:

Battles To Tour And Release Album, But Seriously, Guys, Would A Press Release Hurt? Really? Just A Little One?

According to an incredibly uninformative message on their MySpace, Battles are getting ready to release their debut album, y'know, soon. Ish. It's going to be preceded by a single, and both will be released on Warp.

Uh... It will come on either an LP, which will be large and round, a CD, which will be smaller and shinier but still round, or as MP3s, which are invisible. It'll probably use instruments like guitars and drums, and some other stuff, and will be available in shops. It'll have a name, as will all the tracks on it, unless any of them are untitled, in which case they won't. It probably won't smell strongly of anything and will stop playing if exposed to extreme heat or pressure. If snapped, it'll break into several pieces, some of which will be very sharp, so watch out for that!

And that's all I can find out. Apparently actually telling anyone anything about it would be soooooo uncool. Well, FINE. Maybe I just won't BUY your stupid album. How d'ya like THAT, Battles? Huh? How d'ya like THEM apples? Are you crying? You crying? Aw, don't cry! Crybaby!

Oh, they're going on some dumb tour or something, too:

Hold Your Tongue and Say “The Apples in Stereo Tour”

[Scene: Kids are eating cereal at kitchen table. Dad enters.]

Dad: What the hell are you kids doing?

Son: We're just eating Apple Jacks dad.

Dad: What? What the hell are Apple Jacks?

Son's friend: They are like cheerios, but more colorful and festive.

Dad: What? A gay cheerio? Give me a bite, you little pissers.

Son: They're good, huh?

Dad: What? No, they don't taste like goddamn apples.

Son: Parents just don't get it!

Dad: And what the hee-haw is this jibber jabberin you dillweeds are listening to on the radio?

[The Dad walks over to the stereo on the kitchen counter, and violently knocks it onto the floor.]

Son: Dad! That was The Apples in Stereo. They're flip floppin' awesome. And they're going on tour to promote their latest masterpiece New Magnetic Wonder due in stores February 6, 2007. You may remember seeing lead singer Rob Schneider play the theme to The Colbert Report on the show back in December.

Dad: What? They don't sound like apples!

Son: Ha! See parents just don't get it.

[The Dad angrily grabs his son's arm, and then he stabs his son's friend in the chest.]

Son: Dad, you're hurting me. And you smell like whiskey and the dog's butt.

Dad: Where's your mom? YOU TELL ME NOW!

Son: She's still in the basement.

Tourdates:

Thermals Snuggle Up with Big Sleep for Coziest Tour Ever, Break Curfew with the Hold Steady

Indie "supergroup" (sorry, that just makes me think of Live Aid or the Super Bowl Shuffle) The Thermals started as a little ol' side project of Hutch Harris, Kathy Foster, Ben Barnett, and Jordan Hudson, who may or may not have been part of the following: All Girl Summer Fun Band, Kind of Like Spitting, and Operacycle. David Lee Roth tried to get in on the action, but he was de-NIED, which may or may not be the reason he recently went crawling back to Van Halen (I shit you not), but that's a whole other story we probably won't cover. Anyway, the fates smiled upon The Thermals, as O Holy Highness of Indie Rock Ben Gibbard nudged 'em toward Sub Pop, and three full-lengths later, they've provided us with The Body, The Blood, The Machine and a brand-spanking-new tour with Brooklyn dreamers The Big Sleep and Brooklyn transplant champion drinkers The Hold Steady.

(Beer) Cozies for everyone:

Just When I Thought William Elliott Whitmore Wasn’t Going on Tour, William Elliott Whitmore Announces He’s Going on Tour

When I was 14, my uncle Kasey told me that "Life is like the song of a blackbird." He didn't really explain why, but it was so poetic to my young ears that it sure made a lot of sense back then. As I worked my way through high school and finally college, the analogy stuck with me, even though I never really questioned it. Maybe it was because deep down I knew there was no meaning to it. Or maybe I was too scared to discover the truth.

Last year, I decided to seek out answers. I called my uncle and we met for coffee. After some superficial conversation about airlines (he's a pilot), I mustered up the nerve to ask him what he meant by his blackbird analogy. To my surprise, however, Kasey didn't even remember saying it! WHAT THE HELL. I looked him right in the eye and muttered, "Wrong answer." He let out a nervous chuckle, as I preceded to take out a hammer and fucking pound on his right arm until it looked like silly putty. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

That dipshit. Wait... now that I think about it, I think it might've been uncle Perry who told me the analogy... Ha, isn't life funny?

William Elliott Whitmore tourdates:

Sunburned Hand Of The Man Seeking Pleasant Audience Member

Hi, my name is Sunburned, 34 years old. I'm from Massachusetts originally, though lately I've been all over the country and beyond, believe it or not! You see, I'm kind of a party boy, though at the same time I believe in the importance of the strong-mind/strong-body duality, if you know what I mean. I'm really easy going, always funny and laughing and friendly, I'm a good listener, I'm spontaneous, straight, always laughing. I may even improve YOUR life with my majorly friendly qualities! ;)

Some of my friends say I'm modest, hardworking, easy going, responsible and other stuff! I am a determined individual and am looking for an equally determined audience member to spend some quality time appreciating my music. Yeah girls, it's true... I'm a musician! My mom always said I had a gift for the guitar (not to mention the GAB!) and it really kinda goes without saying that my mom is numero uno on my list of important people, only being beaten out by my boys J.C. and Emeril Lagasse. (Did I mention I love to cook?!) But yeah, there's nothing I love more than a sweet tune and a pretty girl to rock out with.

If you are interested or even kind of curious, please meet me at any of the following places and we can see a movie or just have a drink and listen to my music and then see where the night may or may not take us depending on our compatibility:

Thank you so much in advance for sending me your pic and contact info. I know we are meant to be together and I await eagerly our successful encounter!

  

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