Neil Hamburger And The Russian Government Prevent Free Radicals; It’s Good For You!

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Neil Hamburger is touring. He isn't stopping until all the dates are complete, whether you like it or not. And, truth be told, a lot of people don't seem to like him. I did my own unofficial polling of people facing me, and half of them, when prompted, decided to face a different direction. Compelling results? Of course. Neil ‘The Burger’ Hamburger is, to some, hard to stomach. He coughs a lot. He's awkward. He tells bad jokes. People boo him. If you were in any doubt that the ‘boo’ was passé, that it had fallen into the annals of public appearance lexicon, watch him perform his stand-up. There certainly are laughs to compete, however, and apparently enough to propel a bunch of CD releases and this tour from Drag City.

With my unofficial poll and common understanding, those that boo fail to get the joke: that he is acting 'bad' on purpose (or at least it appears that way). Those that cheer have a strange sense of humor, or are laughing at him. It is perplexing. I have friends who tell bad jokes, and they do not have CDs and tours. I tell bad jokes all the time, too, and I think I would be much better off if I were rewarded with tourdates instead of a whopping dose of humiliation and mockery. But in Neil Hamburger's defense, he has a certain image and charismatic appeal that I will never have. Maybe we are indeed laughing at him, but I get the feeling the joke's on us.

Like a fine trip to Dick's Last Resort, where the waitstaff insult and abuse the patrons and we all pretend to enjoy it, Neil Hamburger is giving us what we don't want and making us laugh. That's something, isn't it? It's the perfect marketing strategy: give us a product to solve a problem we never knew we had. He's good for the economy, he's good for comedy, and he's good for us (Neil Hamburger prevents free radicals!). So boo or don't boo, either way he's touring, and you'll wonder if he's for real or not, but rest assured, he is. Help us, he is:

# Dr. El Suavo

$ Daiquiri

Freeloaders can catch a glimpse of America's $1 Funnyman here.

Apple Placed on Homeland Security Watchlist for Ties with Eco-Terrorism

In a darling action that has surprised environmental activists and computer nerds alike, Steve Jobs has reportedly been undergoing a one-man struggle to protect the earth and all that is sacred therein from the brink of environmental destruction. News feeds from the small Pacific island of Iwo Jima recount eye-witness testimony of a wet-suit clad Jobs single-handedly commandeering Japanese whaling ships and harpooning all crew members on board in the heart. When asked about his newfound passion for the elephants of the sea, Jobs stated that he's really just a bandwagon jumper trying to capitalize on North American's new green-chic movement in an attempt to corner a larger share of the home computer market.

Coincidently, Greenpeace has started championing Apple as the green computer of the new century. Apple has announced it will phase out the worst of the worst e-waste chemicals, Brominated Fire Retardants (BFRs) and Polyvinyl Chloride (PVC) by 2008. Greenpeace representatives were reached for comment but were too busy ejaculating in their pants to respond; however, they did make a statement on their website. The plan puts Apple ahead of Dell by one year; Dell committed to stop manufactoring products with these chemical by 2009. But c'mon, Dell announced its plan first. It's like bidding your way on-stage on the Price is Right. If some asshole bids $560,000 on a pair of scooters, you get the change to bid $1 and walk away looking like a genius. Of course you're going to win, and this is exactly the same thing.

To be completely fair to the world's fifth-largest computer manufacturer, it did take the environmental lead in 2006 by being the first company to fully dump cathode-ray tube (CRT) displays. Now you may be asking, "EZ, how bad can these monitors be? I know they're big and all, and don't get you laid very easy, but its not like they're killing children or anything."

Well they kinda are, just not in North America. A typical CRT monitor contains approximately 3 lbs. of lead. And since our illustrious leaders have brokered some pretty liberal free-trade deals with our East, South, and South East Asian friends, the vast majority of our monitors end up in landfills in Bangladesh, India, and the Philippines, where some industrious children make a relative shitload of money (compared to your little brother's paper route, and... well that's probably the only job), salvaging what their politicians, currency speculators, and military leaders throw away. But we send them our old monitors, so the tetnus is their leaders' fault. The lead poisoning? That's all us.

And even if you're an elitist douche bag who couldn't give a fuck about some Tamil kid in Sri Lanka, you should be concerned. Because the good ol' US of A still allows a lot of e-waste to find its way into your landfills. Currently, e-waste makes up only 2% of all garbage in the United States but releases 70% of all toxic chemicals found on American soil.

But hey, why should you care, Steve Jobs has it all taken care of. And with Greenpeace on his side, he's an unstoppable behemoth... a whale savin', Japanese harpoonin', kid-savin' behemoth. Wait... I'm confused... I thought Greenpeace hated capitalism. What a bunch of sell-outs.

Just like my clamoring baby niece who likes to wail and bang away on just about anything she can put her fleshy little fingers on until someone pays some goddamn attention to her, Austin eating utensil advocates/overgrown toddlers Britt Daniel and Co. aren't about to let you forget their presence in the upper indie rock echelon this summer.

And as if squawking guttural nonsense at you (in the form, of course, of their new record Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga, due July 10 via Merge in the U.S. and July 9th via Anti- in Europe) wasn't obnoxious enough to get our attention, the babyboys of Spoon will turn the tables on all of us buttoned-down adults this summer when they get all up in our collective grill, forcing us to open the ol' hangar and slurp down a chunky slurry of vitamin-enriched tourdates as they rev-up this weekend and rampage their way through a series of festival and show dates that won't tire them out until sometime in mid-October.

That's quite the attention span, when you think about it. So we might as well all just give in and eat up now if we want to get any sleep tonight. Besides, when's the last time you got spoon-fed anything that was this delicious???

Here comes the airplaaaaaaaaaaane:
06.10.07 - Chula Vista, CA - KZBT Independence Jam
06.16.07 - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo
06.29.07 - Calgary, Alberta - Sled Island Festival
07.04.07 - Detroit, MI - Comerica CityFest
07.05.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Summerfest
07.11.07 - New York, NY - Rockefeller Park - River to River
08.04.07 - Chicago, IL - Grant Park - Lollapalooza
08.05.07 - Baltimore, MD - Virgin Festival
08.10.07 - Oslo, Norway - Øya Festival
08.11.07 - Gothenburg, Sweden - Way Out West
08.12.07 - Leicester, England - Summer Sundae Weekender
08.14.07 - Paredes de Coura, Portugal - Paredes de Coura Festival
08.16.07 - London, England - Cargo
08.17.07 - Hasselt, Belgium - Pukkelpop Festival
09.07.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia
09.10.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre
09.11.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre
09.14.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park - Austin City Limits Festival
10.10.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
10.15.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Phoenix Concert Theatre
10.20.07 - New York, NY - Roseland Ballroom

Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga tracklist:

Tokyo Police Club Start A Tokyo Police Club Fan Club And Tour

My favorite band in the whole wide world just started a fan club, and I'm in it! I get a free t-shirt and a hat and a poster and access to the online forums, and I get to buy front row seats before YOU and I get to read their super secret blog! However, since I'm promoting the fan club, I get to share some secret info with you! You're soooooo lucky to be reading Tiny Mix Tapes because you know you don't have enough money to join the fan club and I do cause daddy said I could. ["When you're standing there/Tokyo Police Club!"] Gawd, I love that song. Such great indie rock goodness with a little pop touch and robot lyrics! So saweet! OMG! I almost like totally forgot about the super secret info from the fan club that YOU ARE NOT IN! Lolz! Below is a post from Dave Monk's blog! He is like the singer of the band! He is soooo hott! Whateva you do, do not judge him or I'll judge you!

Dear Fans,

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently. It's so funny how many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth. I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me. I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy. I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.

Love, Dave

OMG, he is so dreamy and hott and sexy and I want him to touch me in all the wrong places! He's been through so much, and it's just messed up how people treat him! Well, I am totally glad he is back on his feet and touring. Go see him and tell him you love him (but you'll never love him as much as me!) and buy his t-shirts! Oh and don't forget to say hi to the other band members, but like they matter! The only thing that matter is that Dave's sexy buns will be here:
07.17.06 - Grand Rapids, MI - The Intersection^
07.18.07 - Indianapolis, IN - Birdy's^
07.20.07 - Omaha, NE - Slow Down^
07.21.07 - Denver, CO - Larimer Lounge^
07.23.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent^
07.25.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour^
07.26.07 - San Diego, CA - Beauty Bar^
07.27.07 - Scottsdale, AZ - Anderson's Fifth Estate
07.29.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's^
07.30.07 - Houston, TX - Meridian Red Room
07.31.07 - Dallas, TX - House Of Blues
08.01.07 - New Orleans, LA - The Republic
08.02.07 - Atlanta, GA - Vinyl
08.04.07 - Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza
08.07.07 - Washington, DC - Rock & Roll Hotel
08.08.07 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar
08.09.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's
08.10.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
08.11.07 - Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell's
08.12.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East

^ Dappled Cities

UPDATE: Shoot, guess the secret isn't so secret anymore; here's a direct link to the Tokyo Police Club site. Wow, doesn't he look smokin'!?

No Age and Mika Miko Spend a Month Touring Europe; A Few of Us Probably Touring the Pizza Place on the Corner Later

Ah, Summer in Europe! Young people the world over flock to spend time marveling at many of the roots of western civilization. The Champs-Elysees! The Parthenon! Big Ben! Where artists are able to retrace the steps of Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, TMT writer Nat Towsen, and so many other artistic expatriates sick and tired of America’s limitations!

I have never been to Europe. I have, however, been to Los Angeles, the home city of No Age and Mika Miko. (The only real landmark I saw was the building where they shot Blade Runner.)

These roving, worldly bands of youngsters are bringing their respective brands of noisy, jubilant post-punk across the Atlantic. I have no advice to give them. I hope they have fun, and this seems like the sort of thing where they should call their parents once in awhile, just to check in.

No Age's debut full-length, Weirdo Rippers, was released in Europe yesterday and will be released via FatCat August 28. And if you really want to know what Mika Miko sound like and their MP3s and albums are not at your disposal, please make use of this handy, potentially inaccurate bass tab I just wrote for the introduction and verse of their song “Capricornications.”

--7-----------5-----------

------7---5-------5---3/5-
5---5---5---3---3---3-----

--------------------------

No Age and Mika Miko tourdates:

More Mika Miko tourdates:
08.02.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse w/ Gravy Train!!!
08.03.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo w/ Gravy Train!!!
08.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
08.06.07 - Sacto, CA - KFJC live radio performance
08.06.07 - Sacramento, CA - Fool Foundation w/ Twin, Mikaela’s Fiend
08.07.07 - Eureka, CA - accident Gallery
08.08.07 - Olympia, CA - Manium w/ Scream club, The Old Haunts
08.09.07 - Missoula, MT - TOTALFEST!!! - THE BADLANDER
08.10.07 - Seattle, WA - The Atlas Café
08.11.07 - Portland, OR - Satyricon w/ Johnny X and the Groadies
08.12.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand w/ Twin, Sexy Prison, Mikaela’s Fiend, XBXRX
08.13.07 - San Luis Obispo, CA - Buchon House

Fiery Furnaces and the Journey Toward Neverending Domestic Bliss

Alright, I’ve been asked to provide an update to all interested parties on what’s been going on recently and what’s planned for the near future in the world of "Matt and Eleanor." Well, six months ago, we had our first child, a little baby boy. Frankly, he’s a total nightmare. He smiles at us almost constantly, and we totally feel compelled to weakly smile back. His very existence also means we can never get out and see shows anymore. Consequently, we’re looking into the possibility of making some infertile rich people very happy. For roughly three grand, you can buy lifetime rights to the shit machine. It’ll pay for the trip to LA we’re planning for the end of the month, and as a bonus for us, The Locust are playing there! Rad.

We also moved into a new house last fall, and unfortunately the neighbors are making our lives even worse than the baby did. You know the score -- snide looks, ignoring our cheery greetings, acid thrown into the baby’s pram. The mad lady next door threw a badly decomposed squirrel onto our porch last Tuesday, with a message stapled to it claiming “YOUR NEXT” (sic). I know it was her, because I saw her zooming back up the path in her wicked, motorized wheelchair. I guess they just don’t know how to cope with the white-hot style we’ve brought to the neighborhood. Makes ‘em feel small.

On a positive note, Eleanor’s new job is going just great; we’d heard that the pimps in our new town were far, far less brutal than where we were living before. I’m glad to report our experiences have, for the most part, borne this out. I mean, she gets a little slap or two from time to time, but it’s a pretty small price to pay, seeing as she loves the work so much. Dirty cow...

[Real-Time Editor's Note: Macka, when I said I wanted a Matt and Eleanor update, I was talking about Matt and Eleanor from THE FUCKING FIERY FURNACES!!! DUHHHH. Serious, we like you around TMT, but u gots to step up your game if u want to make it in the industry.]

Oops. I’ve just been told by the editor that it’s not my wife and I’s scintillating life together that the readers of TMT want to know about; it’s the Matt and Eleanor out of the pop band The Fiery Furnaces! My apologies! This has hurt my feelings just a little, I must admit, because in common with most residents of the North American continent, I just fucking love talking about myself ALL THE TIME. But, you know, Mr P is a pretty hard person to argue with, especially when he looks deep into your pathetic soul with those delicious eyes of his...

So, yes, The Fiery Furnaces. The other Matt and Eleanor. Well, they’ve evidently had enough of Fat Possum, the label that released last year's Bitter Tea (TMT Review), and have signed with Thrill Jockey for their new album Widow City, due in October (woo... a very Charles Bronsonesque title, no?). Prior to the release of the album, they're going on a tour titled “The Fiery Furnaces Fourth Of July Tour,” which is crazy, yeah, because they’re not playing a show on July 4 at all! Even crazier is that they’re promising to play “some” tracks off the new album on tour as well. Wow. Gonna be GREAT.

Interestingly, Matt (the Fiery one), has stated that the tour is dedicated to Nancy Faust, organist for the hyphey collective that go by the name of the Chicago White Sox. Ms Faust is entering her 38th year as organist for the club, so yes, she’s pretty old. Fiery Furnaces... old women... fucked-up records... what could happen here is just too gruesome to comprehend. I’ll just concentrate on the tourdates:

all dates with Dios

In a Fit of Dyslexia, Frank Black Announces New ‘Black Francis’ Record Details

Whenever I think about Frank Black (which, admittedly, isn’t all that often... dude’s kinda freaky looking, isn’t he?), I think about Jurassic Park.

Why?

Chaos Theory, my man.

Let’s face it: Jeff Goldblum's sputtery, pseudo-science nerd-cracks about those incorrigible (read: ferociously murderous) dinos might as well have referred to the wanton, impulsive, and ultimately enduring career of the sometimes bombastic Black, who is kind of a snarling reptile in his own right. I mean, come on; he growls, he roars, he’s relatively hairless, and, just like life, he “finds a way.”

Dubbing himself “Black Francis,” for his successful but ultimately strained run as frontman of Pixies until 1993, Black then changed his path like a drop of water rolling off a hand and decided to revert back to using his real name for a string of solo albums through the rest of the '90s and well into the '00s, most recently culminating in the Dylan-inspired Honeycomb. Even when Pixies reunited, Black stuck to his real name and tended to avoid the old stage moniker like Raptors avoid a T. Rex. Now THAT’S Chaos Theory!

But get ready for another random jerk-around, America, cuz that’s not the end of it. For no terribly apparent reason, “Black Francis” is back, and he’s fixin’ to release a new record called Bluefinger September 11 of this year on Cooking Vinyl Records. According to a press release meant to “explain” the sudden change of heart (apparently Chaos Theory isn’t really a valid reason for things in the REAL world and a legitimate explanation was sought... hmmmm), the newly re-monikered madman had the following convoluted and, dare I say unpredictable, Chaos Theory-affirming nonsense to say:

"I privately went back to the old stage name, if that even makes any sense, almost as a joke. I couldn't get The Pixies back into a studio, but I would transform into my alter ego of yesteryear. I spoke the magic syllables aloud and nothing happened; just as I thought. Soon after, my new manager asked me for a bonus track for a 'best of' compilation to be released later in the year. And as I prepared for the session, I became (honestly) gripped by the spirit of Herman Brood, and my bonus track expanded into an 11 song record called Bluefinger in just a few days. Thank you Herman. You were at the distant edge of my vision for years when suddenly I was under your influence like a cloud of opium, like the scent of the house of the rising sun. Bliss. Bliss. Bliss. I had spoken the magical name and nothing had happened, but I was impatient, and like so many people, I thought the magic would reveal itself in an instant, as depicted in films. Magic is more subtle. And Herman Brood did turn me back into BLACK FRANCIS. Funny how things work out. You just never know."

Uhhhh...

Yeah, funny how things work out, indeed. So, “Who in the hell’s Herman Brood,” you ask? Well, apparently he was an eccentric Dutch painter and musician who committed suicide about 6 years ago by jumping off the Amsterdam Hilton Hotel (at least, according to Google, anyway). Does that clear things up for you at all? I didn’t think so.

So what IS the significance of the moniker switch and will be its effect on Black’s music this time around? Ladies and gentlemen, not even Dr. Ian Malcolm could answer THAT question. Looks like we’ll all just have to wait until September to try and make sense out of Black’s beautiful chaos. Here’s hoping we all survive.

Page France To Tour Everywhere Except Near Me; I Want To Cry

Sitting here and writing this story is bittersweet, as I gaze across the road and see an abandoned barn and silo. It's red and falling apart, occupied by bats, owls, and the occasional family of birds. The silo hasn't been used for years; an ancient relic of a time that no longer exists since industrial farming became dominant. I loathe that silo.

You see, a few months ago my parents and I tried getting wireless high speed internet. The installer told us that he couldn't get a high signal strength because of the silo. I sometimes fantasize about strapping plastic explosives to that spire of evil. Now here I am, still stuck writing this story on a dial-up internet connection.

The point is I live in the middle of nowhere, so much so that I can't get cable and I can't get wireless high speed internet, so I'm restricted to dial-up. Don't even begin to tell me about satellite internet as an alternative; it's atrocious and you know it. Living in the middle of nowhere isn't the best, especially when one of your favorite bands play a ton of dates and none of them are near you. Page France is one of those favorite bands, and the pop-folk five-piece play some of the most beautiful folk I've ever heard. I hear they play an amazing live set, and with this year's May 8 release of their new LP, ...And The Family Telephone, they will have a lot of great songs to choose from.

If you go see them at any of the dates listed blow, then tell 'em Kyle wishes he could be there and they should hit up Dayton or Columbus, OH next time. Tell them even though they are neglecting me, I still love them. Time to go grab a box of tissues

06.14.07 - Washington, DC - The Red and The Black
06.26.07 - Lexington, KY - The Dame
06.28.07 - Bushnell, IL - Cornerstone Festival
06.29.07 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen
06.30.07 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th Street Entry
07.02.07 - Omaha, NE - The Waiting Room
07.03.07 - Iowa City, IA - The Picador
07.04.07 - Davenprt, IA - Daytrotter house
07.05.07 - Madison, WI - Café Montmartre
07.06.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Stonefly Brewery
07.07.07 - DeKalb, IL - The House Café
07.08.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - The Division Ave. Arts Cooperative
07.09.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Tavern
07.11.07 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place
07.12.07 - Ottawa, ON - Cisco Systems Bluesfest/Black Sheep
07.21.07 - Philadelphia, PA - North Star Bar *
07.22.07 - Washington, DC - Black Cat *
07.23.07 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 *
07.24.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl *
07.25.07 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon *
07.27.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's *
07.28.07 - Denton, TX - Hailey's *
07.31.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo *
08.01.07 - San Francisco, CA - The Independent*
08.03.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge *
08.04.07 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Café *

* supporting Bishop Allen

Andrew Bird Tours; Really Just the Only Feasible Platform for Me to Expound on a Recurring Three Dog Night Fantasy I’ve Been Having

(NOTE: Please skip to THE POINT if you’re not in the market for details on the start of a budding friendship between Roseanne Barr and Alex Carusillo.)

There are three reasons why I should re-evaluate any moment in my life at which I entertained the possibility of attaining street-cred:

(1) My (undisclosed) first name;

(2) People frequently addressing me with exclamation points (damning, condescending, nose-to-the-sky punctuation);

and, MOST IMPORTANTLY,

(3) My resurfacing rock star fantasy.*

I’m dressed in all white. I’m on a bustling street corner. Passersby include (but are not limited to) my guitar teacher Gary, Hilary Duff, a former OMFG I WANNA LIKE MARRY U WE R IN LUV ex, my high school history teacher Mr. Kennedy, Alex Carusillo, Nancy: my former grocery store supervisor, and Roseanne Barr, (for good flannel shirt-ed measure). I'm performing an un-ironic rendition of Three Dog Night’s (repeat: Three Dog Night’s) “One is the Loneliest Number.” The crowd actually goes pleasantly wild in said fantasy, save Roseanne and Alex, who have bonded over their healthy distaste for everything [NOTE: Three Dog Night is, apparently, everything]. They arrange to get coffee after scoffing my second guitar solo, both scheming to spit on my superb white boots (a plan that is tactfully intercepted by a stern, deliberate head shake from my history teacher).

* loosely based on actual fantasy-occurring events

----

THE POINT: ANDREW BIRD’S LIST-O’-CRED

Three reasons why Andrew Bird doesn’t need to ease his sorrows in Three Dog Night:

(1) His gently unassuming first (and last) name

(2) (a) Armchair Apocrypha (TMT Review)

(b) He was on DAVID (FUCKING) LETTERMAN

(c) He’s a solo artist with a reputation for not letting such diminish an impressive live performance (he plays loops of his own sounds while performing to achieve more of a band feel, apparently).

(3) A quick check of this Filter article will reveal his farm boy roots. And if on said farm Andrew Bird put down his violin, snapped on some overalls, and wrangled some... chickens -- well, that’d certainly quell any association to his swing revival, Squirrel Nut Zippers past he might be stressing over.

TOURDATES:

* The Decemberists

Three reasons why this is in list format:

(1) Lists effectively feign organization;

(2) So does the rule of three.

(3) Roseanne Barr-Carusillo?

[Photo: Cameron Wittig]

16 Bitch Pile-Up On I-88, On Tour; You Are Now Late For Work

Listen: I don't give a good god damn about this Pile-Up that's slammin' us bumper to bumper here; I just want to get to work. I don't even want to get to work; I just plain need to get to work. Yes, I understand, auto accidents are serious things and paramedics need time and space to sort out the victims, etc. Yeah, whatever!! I don't even know these people for crissakes. For all I know, it's just some 16 Bitch Pile-Up! Yeah, okay! A 16 Bitch Pile-Up!

Oh, don't give me these theoretical sob stories. Every human life is precious -- right. I bet if every single one of these Bitches had one more day to do whatever they wanted they'd probably do something incredible, right? They'd probably, what, put out a critically-acclaimed album? Call it Bury Me Deep (TMT Review) and release it on Troniks? Go on a tour through the U.S. and Canada during the month of June? I'm not trying to be a dick; I'm just giving an example of how ridiculous that idea is. This isn't a tragic tale of a 16 Bitch Pile-Up; it's the tragic tale of me coming in late one-too-many times and having the higher-ups tap me on the shoulder and scoot me out the door, on my ass, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to call my own, not even a single noise record under my belt. That's what I'd call a real tragedy. That's something I'd get my hankie out for. This, this is just a pile of Bitches. And I mean that with all due respect.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for a woman in need:

* Monotract, Religious Knives, Alan Licht

^ Fat Worm of Error