Gorillaz Realize They’ve Got a Whole Bunch of Useless Shit in Their Cupboards, Decide to Make Their Fans Pay Through the Nose for It

I guess Damon Albarn doesn't have enough money, or something (I guess hiring Danger Mouse to make your album for you doesn't come cheap OH SNAP ALBARN FEEL THE BURN), but it turns out that Gorillaz are releasing, like, everything... ever. Seriously. With any other band, their work-rate would be impressive, but seeing as (1) precious little new actual music is being released, (2) the entire thing stinks of bare-faced commercialism, and (3) I just accidentally cut a great big chunk out of my finger and I'm feeling all crotchety (using only a bottle cap and a lighter — seriously, I'm like the MacGuyver of self-harm), I'm going to be all bitter for a bit. If you want happy, just go straight past this one. There's probably a nice story about Man Man or something next.

First of all, Gorillaz are releasing a set of EPs, available only on iTunes, called the "Give All Your Money To Damon Albarn And Steve Jobs So They Can Build A Big Swimming Pool Full Of Cash And Swim Round In It Openly Admiring Each Other's Sharply Toned Buttocks Hidden Only By A Tight Pair Of Black Speedoes" Series. First up comes the DARE EP, released October 24. The Dirty Harry, El Manana, and Feel Good Inc. EPs follow every two or three weeks up until December 26. The DARE EP tracklist is as follows:

1. DARE - Demon Days Live in Harlem (Video)
2. DARE - animatic (Video)
3. Clint Eastwood Live - featuring De La Soul and Bootie Brown / The Pharcyde
4. People (which is DARE original demo) (Audio Only)

Once you've bought the DARE EP and are once more struggling to fight the desperate feeling of emptiness that gnaws — forever gnaws — at your heart, Gorillaz are giving you the opportunity to fend it off once again with petty commercialism. This time it is with the Slowboat to Hades DVD! "Following up the fantastically successful Phase One - Celebrity Takedown DVD companion to Gorillaz' self-titled 2001 debut, Slowboat to Hades rounds up the Demon Days era's award-winning videos, hi-tech performances, inventive animated shorts, acceptance speeches and more," the press release reads. Oh, goody.

What's that? Still got some money? Why, that'll never do. You need toys! Luckily, Kidrobot have you covered. They're releasing soft vinyl figures of the Gorillaz, each in their own box, varying in height from 6-1/4 inches to 8-1/4 inches. Make up your own fucking joke, I'm tired.

FINALLY, Gorillaz are also releasing their autobiography, Rise Of The Ogre, "the story of the world's most successful virtual group, as told by all four members of the band assisted by writer Cass Browne." To clarify: that's Gorillaz' story. The story of the band, Gorillaz. The band that does not even fucking exist. It is being designed by James Hewlett, though, so at least it will look pretty.

Tune in tomorrow when we exclusively reveal Gorillaz's line of scented soaps and bubblebaths.

El gran país de España nos invita a su Tanned Tin Festival de 2006. Van a tener una demostración süper chingona! (Süper Chingona = Super Cool) Invitaron a artistas de todo el mundo. Bueno, mas bien nomás de tres países. Pero, de todos modos va ser un evento chingón. Invitaron a artistas independientes e internacionales. No te lo pierdes. El festival se localiza en la ciudad de Castellón, Spain y los eventos en el Teatre Principal. Este evento musical empieza el November 8 through 12. El teatro es un lugar hermoso con acüsticos impresionantes. Se puede comprar boletos por el internet o por teléfono. Tickets cost 14 Euros for Thursday, 20 Euros for Saturday, and 20 Euros for Sunday. Sorry, no 3-day passes. Looks like you?re SOL. Pónganse trucha y guarden sus centavitos para ir a este evento. Acuérdense, va estar süper chingón!

TMT le gusta tu hermana y schedule goes as follows:

Wednesday, November 8

Centro Municipal de Cultura - 6:30 PM and Free

Anneleis Monsere (BE)

Thursday, November 9

Teatro Principal de Castellón - 9:30 PM

Litius (SP)

Psychic Ills (US)

The Secret Society (SP)

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness (US)

Lisa Germano (US)

Friday, November 10

Casino Antiguo - 1:00PM and Free

Remate (SP)

David Thomas Broughton (SP)

Matt Elliott (FA)

Teatro Principal de Castellón - 8:00 PM

Manyfingers (UK)

Hrsta (CA)

Carla Bozulich (US)

The Montgolfier Brothers (UK)

Six Organs Of Admittance (US)

Darren Hayman and Band (UK)

The Radio Dept. (SW)

M. Ward (US)

Saturday, November 11

Casino Antiguo - 1:00PM and Free

Grupo Salvage y El Hijo (SP)

(Presenting the autobiography, "Man In Black" by Johnny Cash)

Teatro Principal de Castellón - 8:00PM

Apse (US)

Mouthus (US)

Nick Castro (US)

David Grubbs (US)

Magik Markers (US)

Dakota Suite (UK)

Okkervel River (US)

His Name Is Alive (US)

Portastatic (US)

Sunday, November 12

Casino Antiguo - 1:00PM and Free

Spires That In The Sunset Rise (US)

The One Ensemble (UK)

Instal Festival Kicks Off Tonight; Showcases Today’s Most Innovative Underground Musicians (You Know, Probably Groups Like The Postal Service And Stuff)

It's that time of the year again. Time for all those people with better ideas and cooler names than you to descend upon The Arches in Glasgow for a weekend of free jazz, restricted noise, and comfortably snug experimentation. Last year's Instal Festival brought the likes of Sun City Girls, Birchville Cat Motel, and spotlight-hog Jandek under one roof; and this year's line-up looks comparably juicy. Avant-garde acts from all over the world have been chosen to perform, and in many cases they'll be collaborating with one another on stage. Interesting pairings like Keiji Haino and Tony Conrad are the name of this year's game.

In addition to the main stage festivities, on Friday and Saturday night there will be a special Incest Infest Stage highlighting emerging underground musical artists specifically from Scotland and the rest of the UK. Notable playas on this stage include Birds of Delay (because I've seen them once) and Kylie Minoise (because LOL). For the small number of TMT readers that are not based in Glasgow, Instal will kindly be providing free downloads of all the performances on their web site.

Main Stage:

Friday, 10.13.06:

Blood Stereo + Ludo Mich

Ellen Fullman + Sean Meehan

Nmperign (pictured) + Jason Lescalleet

Oshiri Penpenz

Saturday, 10.14.06:

Lee Patterson

Steve Baczkowski + Ravi Padmanabha


Keiji Haino + Tony Conrad

The Bohman Brothers


Sunday, 10.15.06:

Tetsuya Umeda


Arrington de Dionyso

Kuwayama + Kijima

Eye Contact

Maryanne Amacher

Infest Stage:

Friday, 10.13.06:



Polly Shang Kuan Band

Wounded Knee

Kylie Minoise

NOMA + Shareholder

Saturday, 10.14.06:

Red Kites

Birds of Delay + Nackt Insecten


Ben Reynolds


Picture: Seth Tisue

Fatherly Act of Love, or Sign of the Apocalypse? You Be the Judge While David Bowie Does Voice-Overs for Spongebob Squarepants

Who's joining with Nicktoons to fill kids with glee? (Da-vid Bo-wie)

A voice on an upcoming special is he! (Da-vid Bo-wie)

...okay, I've only seen the show like once in my life, so I can't go much farther with my alternate theme song bit. Regardless, I think that in those two short lines, I said all there really is to say. Yes, David Bowie will soon be joining the long list of seemingly reputable musical artists to affiliate themselves with that which is at the same time a child's dream come true and a tailor's worst nightmare: David Bowie is going to be on Spongebob Squarepants.

The Thin White Duke will be uniting with The Rectilinear Yellow Sponge for an upcoming special in which he will lend his voice to a character who goes by the name "Lord Royal Highness" — a title that suits Bowie 30 years ago more so than today, but no matter. Furthermore, Bowie claims that he accepted the role because his six-year old daughter is a fan of the show. You know, when I was six, I asked my dad if he would do a guest spot on Salute Your Shorts for me as a half-birthday present, and what do you think the old fart said? "That's impossible, son, I love you but..." Yeah, but nothin'. Save it for our therapist, asshole. Jesus, all I wanted was a fatherly show of affection. Apparently David Bowie loves his kids enough for that. I'm too upset to continu

99 Problems, But an Eggroll Ain’t One! That’s Probably the Joke That Got Jay-Z Banned in China

The Jigga-man himself is once again the victim in a dispute with goofy, GOOFY China. Jay-Z's scheduled performance at Shanghai's Honkou Stadium on October 23 has been hella cancelled. However, this time around Jahova wasn't discriminated because he "was black," or because he was "driving 55 in a 54." (You know... that line has always bothered me.) Anyway, China disapproved of Jay-Z's rompish lyrics and declared the rapper too vulgar for the Communist country.

China has been censoring the arts and the media since the senselessly racist Wang Chung had their senselessly racist mega-hit "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight (That's What Every Guy's Name Is In China)." If you recall, the FCC did not go as far as to ban the song in America, but instead made a deal where those bastard racists removed the parenthetical. And in actualness, The Rolling Stones were almost banned earlier this year as well. But they weren't because they agreed not to play their filthy sex anthems, "Honkey Tonk Women" and "Brown Sugar." (And then Cockle wrote an amazing review of it!)

Jay-Z, real name Sean Carter (that's news in itself!), was probably smoking a fatty when he heard this news, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume he was crushed. Poor man was probably waiting for the Chinese Culture Ministry to josh him big with a clichéd, "I make joke/ I go pee pee in your coke." Funny story, but my Asian friend Paul actually did that to me once.

In due respect to rapper/mogul/retiree/Jayonce/out-of-retirement/we-get-it Jay's current turmoil, I have rewritten the lyrics to the date-rape classic "Big Pimpin" to make it racist of the postmodern sort (ex: haha, world is all good, haha):

"Big Pimpin (Nasty China Version)" feat. emceegreg and Three-six Mafia:

You know I

Thug em


Hug em

Leave em

Cause I don't FUCKIN' need em

Woodchucks chuck wood

But China ain't no good

Yeah, I don't FUCKIN' feed em

They wanna start a fuss I'm breezin'

Talking 'bout

Censorship reasons

I'm a pimp all over the world, BITCH

I don't trust or believe em

In my butt, that's where I keep em

'Til I need to nut

All up in that China gut

Y'all be frontin'

Me give my heart to a Chinaman

Not for nothin'

Never happened

I be forever whackin'

More hardcore than anal assassins

I got no passion

You're just no longer finger lickin?

When I boycott General Tso's chicken

Ho get your ass in

And let's RI-I-I-I-I-IDE

(This is the chorus guys)

We doin' Big pimpin

I don't like the Chinese

Kick em out now

Big pimpin'

Smokin' some trees

We doin' Big pimpin' I think I gots a disease

It's just that Jigga-man

Jackie Chan and maybe Jet Li

Check em out now (Repeat)

Tourdates (other parts of the world don't mind the nasty):

10.13.06 - Durban, SAF - ABSA Stadium
10.14.06 - Johannesburg, SAF - Coca Coloa Dome
10.18.06 - Bangkok, THA - BEC-Thero Hall
10.20.06 - Seoul, SKO - Gayagum Concert Hall
10.21.06 - Taipei, TAI - Taipei Super Dome
10.25.06 - Sydney, AUS - Sydney Entertainment Centre *
10.26.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.27.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.28.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Rod Laver Arena *

* w/ Roc Tha Block

Summer Hymns to Release 4th LP, TMT News Writer Devoid of Inspiration

Summer Hymnal is out on Misra on the November 21st.

[Editor's Note: Okay, this is the last straw. For one: the album is called Backward Masks. You're telling me you couldn't check AllMusic? At least you got the date and label right. Oh, and can we at least mention that they are from Athens, GA? Or that they play southern-tinged dream-pop?]

Totally Real Tracklist:

1. Take My Life and Let Me Be
2. Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
3. Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
4. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
5. Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
6. Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
7. When Peace, Like a Trickle
8. I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
9. Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
10. Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
11. What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus

[Editor's Note: Okay, you are double-fired now. That's not the tracklist. This is:

1. Way You Walk
2. Pity and Envy
3. Start Swimming
4. Darkness Comes
5. Fearanoia
6. Bombay Brown India Ink
7. Limousine
8. New Way
9. Ice Age World
10. 14 Inches of Snow
11. Pheromones Induced
12. When the Bombs Fall

Again, all I had to do was check Allmusic. That's not inspiration. It's called fact-checking.]

[Oh, and I hate emo.]

Bronfman Went A-Courtin’ and He Did Ride, Uh Huh, Uh Huh. Merger News + Bronfman = I Just Popped a Semi!

The United States, tired of outsourcing only American jobs in both production and information technology, has made a bold move: outsourcing a sense of moral indignation over records! EMI Virgin India Ltd (based in Mumbai) has declared it will recall all copies of Slayer's new album, Christ Illusion. The victims? The Catholic Secular Forum — helpfully identified as a Christian group by Billboard.com — is makin' it happen! CSF General Secretary Joseph Dias issued a statement taking "strong exception" to the album cover as well as the track "Skeleton Christ." He cites the lyrics as "an insult to Christianity." According to various virus-infested internet sites, said lyrics include, "I laugh at the abortion known as Christianity/ I've seen the ways of God/ I'll take the devil any day/ Hail Satan." Slayer: the band to turn to for delightfully subtle critiques on this modern culture.

The CSF wants everyone to know that they have everyone's best interests in mind, as the album "will affect the sensibilities of Muslims on the track to 'Jihad' and secular Indians who have respect for all faiths." As a Jew, I am personally offended that there are no tracks belittling my people, clearly proving that in the end Slayer are anti-Semites. EMI Virgin India Ltd, come to my aid!

Does everyone remember when talks cooled in hot July vis-à-vis some sort of attempted takeover or merger between industry elephants Warner Music and EMI? Whaaaat? You didn't? Acquisition shareholders meetings weren't four-and-a-half star video fodder on YouTube that month? Lil' Johnny Stewart didn't invite Warner's Edgar Bronfman Jr. onto "The Seat of Heat"? Has B-to-tha-ronfman completely lost his credibility with the youthful boobs and 18-35 lefties of today? Well, if it wasn't news then, it won't be now. But here it is anyway.

The Times Online contends that if at first you don't succeed, go back for another bitchslap. Then another bitchslap and another bitchslap. If these bitchslaps are just preliminary bitchslaps or if they are little parts of a grander, more elaborate bitchslap scheme, then you have no choice but to go back for more bitchslaps. Despite quashed efforts in the past to meld our two favorite major labels into one stupid superbeast, Bronfman has again made advances to get to third base with EMI. If you remember correctly, it was in July that the two companies issued statements of disinterest in a possible union. But you can count on Bronfman to forget quickly. In September, Bronfman flew to England to butter up EMI investors and hedge fund shareholders. One wonders: what is the hold-up? Although these kinds of things get tripped up with every little bit of hassle, I half-suspect that EMI just can't deal with Bronfman's real-ness. Could he be too much of a risk for plain ol', staid ol' EMI? Maybe EMI likes its business dealings like my grandma likes her Bloody Caesars — with "no ice, no spice."

Jeeesh, Bronfman... cut the cord for Crissakes! You are starting to remind me of someone who gets dumped by his girlfriend only to come back twice as headstrong with a plan to win her back with constant phone calls and drive-bys and then buys a Whisper 2000 so he can sit in the neighbor's bushes across the street from her house crying while doing lines off a cracked Silverchair CD case trying to hear if she is talking to a guy on the phone, then following her and her friends to a bar and sitting across the room creepily drinking beer after beer while burning holes in her with his eyes every time she laughs, or looks at anyone, or comes even remotely within inches of another male body...

Yikes, I was really starting to creep myself out there. Many apologies... must be visions of past restraining orders dancing in my head. Absurd suspicion stories aside, there is something afoot. Following the news of Bronfman currying favor overseas, MSNBC reported that current EMI Music Publishing chairman and co-chief executive Martin Bandier is looking for pastures new, possibly with Warner. Apparently Bandier, a song publishing mogul and a "legend in the music publishing business" — hey, I've thrown a LOT of money at acquiring a lot of songs and a lot of albums but noooo, that doesn't make me a legend, does it? — has already had talks with Bronfman Jr. ("BJ") and will meet with EMI execs next month in London to discuss his future with his present employers. As far as a reachable union is concerned, it has been unclear from the get-go whether this will be a merger or an outright acquisition by Warner of EMI, or of Warner by EMI. Who knows. I guess some things should remain floating above my head, just as they did when I was sleeping through my business journalism courses last year. You can be sure there will be news soon because these two companies seem to love their ongoing game of boardroom bag-tag. Our money is on Bronfman to make the first move, because if he has a problem, yo, he solves it... check out his savvy financial moves while his accountants revolve it.

How Do You Call Your Lover Boy? Me? I Yell, “NEW YORK DOLLS TOURDATES!”

As I was lying in a hospital bed, a rock 'n' roll nurse got into my head. She said, "Hold out your arm, girl, stick out your tongue. I got some New York Dolls tourdates, I'm gonna give you some." I think you know the rest of the story, and I don't have to detail the tawdry girl-on-girl action for you. Suffice it to say I got some pills for my love, to put me at ease, and some time later that rock 'n' roll nurse shook me down to my knees.

I woke up on the downtown 2 train a few days after that strange--but not entirely unprecedented--experience with a wicked hangover and a bloody nose. Pinned to my torn shirt was a list of tourdates scribbled in lipstick. Once I got over the initial shock, I realized that my last memory was of going to see the Dolls perform a free show at South Street Seaport. Surreal as the situation was (David Johansen in a tight t-shirt performing between a Pizzeria Uno and a war ship), the injuries and track marks were well worth it.

Lucky for you non-New Yorkers, David Johansen, Syl Sylvain, and some new guys are taking their show on the road for the first time in more than 30 years. The boys are touring in support of a new album, presciently titled One Day It Will Please Us to Remember Even This (Roadrunner). I hear that if you come home from their show without a needle sticking out of your arm or a vicious nurse-hickey on your neck, you get your money back:

11.06.06 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up
11.07.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
11.08.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Independent
11.10.06 - Portland, OR - Berbati's Pan
11.11.06 - Seattle - El Corazon
11.14.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Fine Line
11.15.06 - Chicago, IL - Vic Theatre
11.16.06 - Detroit - St. Andrews
11.17.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
11.18.06 - Buffalo, NY - Town Ballroom
11.20.06 - Boston, MA - Axis
11.21.06 - Providence, RI - Lupo's
11.22.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.24.06 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata
11.25.06 - Philadelphia, PA - TLA
11.26.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat
11.28.06 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm
11.29.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
12.01.06 - Nashville, TN - City Hall
12.02.06 - St. Louis, MO - TBA

Almost Wasn’t Going To Tell You About The New Pleaseeasaur Album And Tour… Please Don’t Be Sore ;-))))

Wow, your record collection sitting there looks pretty cool. I appreciate the way you've alphabetized everything by label; it's not often you see that. I don't know many people that even pay attention to the label. What I'm saying is, it's refreshing to see that you hold them in such high es — holy crap, do you have every single ESP-Disk release? That's insane! I was just going to say something about you having a pretty solid 5RC stack or something, but damn. That really says it all right there. You are a true completist.

Hey... do you have your Comedy Central Records collection stored away? Like, for safety reasons? What? Are you...are you kidding me? I know, you seem like a serious guy! But I can't just straightaway believe that you have zero Comedy Central albums! This changes everything. How can I rely on someone to recommend music to me that has never owned a Bobcat Goldthwait record? Man, I still remember the first time I listened to Dave Attell's Skanks for the Memories. Seminal stand-up classic right there. And to top it off, they've finally got their hands on a deal with Pleaseeasaur to put out his next few albums.

Stop messing with me. Pleaseeasaur. Oh, he's nobody special... just the guy who wrote "Digitits" and "I Hate Dog Shit"! You've never heard those. This is just sad. Well, he's going on tour soon and releasing The Amazing Adventures of Pleaseeasaur on October 24, and if I come over here again and don't see it (along with all three volumes of Crank Yankers Uncensored), I might have to go to someone else for my crystal meth.

You've been warned:

10.18.06 - Bellingham, WA - Western WA University
10.20.06 - Vancouver, BC - Pat's Pub
10.21.06 - Seattle, WA - Chop Suey
10.22.06 - Missoula, MO - The Raven Cafe
10.24.06 - Fargo, ND - The Aquarium
10.25.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock
10.26.06 - Marquette, MI - 231 House of Muses
10.27.07 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen
10.29.06 - Iowa City, IA - The Picador (formerly Gabe's Oasis)
10.31.06 - Columbus, OH - The High Five
11.01.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Gooski's
11.02.06 - Boston, MA - Great Scott Club *
11.03.06 - Portland, MA - Geno's *
11.04.06 - Long Branch, NJ - The Brighton Bar *
11.05.06 - Jamestown, NY - Reg Studio Theatre *
11.06.06 - Purchase, NY - Suny Purchase
11.07.06 - Wilkes Barre, PA - Cafe Metropolis *
11.08.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Khyber Pass ^
11.10.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory Tap Bar *
11.11.06 - Poughkeepsie, NY - Vassar College ^
11.12.06 - Baltimore, Maryland - Talking Head *
11.13.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat *
11.14.06 - Raleigh, NC - Kings Barcade
11.16.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
11.17.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree #
11.18.06 - Lawrence, KS - Jackpot Music Hall
11.19.06 - Kansas City, Missouri - Record Bar
11.24.06 - Denton, TX - Rubbergloves
11.25.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's Lounge
11.26.06 - Houston, TX - Super Happy Fun Land
11.30.06 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
12.01.06 - San Diego, CA - The Casbah @
12.07.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
12.08.06 - Eureka, CA - Pearl Lounge

* w/ Joe Jack Talcum
^ w/ Yip Yip
# w/ Califone
@ w/ The Melvins



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