Dischord Records Offers Free Studio Time to Virgins

Think you got what it takes to something something? Have skills but never had the something to something something? Well Dischord's got something for you. With a li'l help from its friends (Inner Ear Studios and Ruffman Records/Swim-Two-Birds Studio), Dischord is offering free recording sessions at Inner Ear Studio to bands/projects in the DC area who are studio virgins.

Here are three examples of what bands might/should look like, along with studio virgin probability:

1. Bleeding Love on the Empty Canvas (80% studio virgin probability)

2. Topps Trading Cards (95% studio virgins, excluding middle dude)

3. Good, No Great Penmanship (63% studio virgins probability)

Applicants must live in the DC area, play original music, and contain 50% members who are 18 or younger. Because it wasn't indicated, there doesn't seem to be any sex or race restrictions (weird). Sessions, engineered by Hugh McElroy, last only five hours, so you better either be improv-based or you best know your shit. Wouldn't it be funny if all the applicants were noise acts? Man, I'd love to be there to see the look on their faces when a noise act starts playing! They'd all be like "Whaaaa??!!?" Looking at each other in astonishment and shit! Haha! Damn, too bad I have to work.

Click here for more info.

Nick Cave Jumps on Super-Group Bandwagon; Misses Point

So the Antipodean, gravelly-voiced, Kylie-killer has decided to form a new band called Grinderman. As new band names go, it's probably better than The Good, The Bad and The Queen, but the personnel doesn't really stack up. When you form a supergroup, you're meant to collect some really tight musicians from other bands and strike out for glory in bloated pretension. However, in his wisdom, Cave has just chosen three of the Bad Seeds and claimed that their new sound would be different enough that it makes no difference.

To be fair, he has a point. Go to their Myspace page (if you're into that sort of thing; personally I can't stand it any longer) to sample a new track entitled, rapturously, "No Pussy Blues." According to this other website I saw, Grinderman will make their debut at ATP in April.

Rumours of a guest appearance in Kylie's revitalised Showgirl tour are, as-yet, unconfirmed.

God Only Knows What We’d Do Without This Brian Wilson Doll (editor’s note: you’re fired)

Just in time for Christmas is the perfect gift for sandbox-slumming, wannabe firemen/fire women everywhere... the 1966 Brian Wilson action figure is finally here! Gone are the days when you had to sit, get stoned, and MacGyver a makeshift toy Wilson out of a potato, steel wool, and the power cable from a nearby lamp when you wanted to play rock-star dolls with your friends. You'll be able to bend him into a fetal position, spritz him with water, and sit him on top of your girlfriend's vibrator to simulate the shaking, sweating, neurotic Brian of days gone by. You can channel your aggressions into Brian by making him lose his marbles over the 42nd take of "Wind Chimes," fret over Phil Spector stealing songs from his mind, and generally refuse to record unless the vibes are positive. Really, is there anything this Brian Wilson doll can't do? (Answer: it probably won't get you laid.)

Okay, as far as recent patents go, it's not the most original (this is), but as doll designer (wha?) Mark London rightly states, "Hey, who wouldn't want a little 1966 Brian Wilson watching over their record collection or their recording studio?!" Duh. Everyone loves Brian Wilson, so expect these to sell like little deuce coupes. There is a limited run of 300 dolls that come autographed by the man himself, for the low, low price of $150, while regular "basic" figures sell for 75 smackers. The doll is available at Wilson's official website and at the two remaining shows on the current "Pet Sounds 40th Anniversary" tour, both in New York City:

11.21.06 - New York, NY – Beacon Theatre
11.22.06 - New York, NY – Beacon Theatre

In other BW news, according to Daily Variety, a Wilson biopic is in the works that has Wilson's approval and song rights secured, with cooperation from producer Mark Gordon (Saving Private Ryan) and longtime band biographer and friend David Leaf. We're just keeping our fingers crossed that the end result surpasses the made-for-tv movie Summer Dreams or Matt Dillon's thinly-veiled pastiche in Grace of My Heart.

Mike Love, not war... buy a doll.

Universal Sues MySpace, Brings Confetti and Party Streamers Because As Universal Always Says, “Litigation can be boring, but it doesn’t have to be!”

Vivendi's Universal Music Group announced last Friday (November 17) that it is suing MySpace, which is owned by one of the world's largest media conglomerates, News Corporation. The infringement lawsuit is seeking damages of $150,000 per infringing track, audio or video. Let me restate that in proper TMT format: UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP, THE LARGEST MUSIC GROUP IN THE WORLD, IS SEEKING DAMAGES OF $150,000 PER TRACK!! AHHH!!!

So let's do some math. According to recent reports, MySpace has an estimated 106 million accounts. To be conservative, let's say only 30% of those accounts are active. Of that 30%, let's estimate a measly 1% of users uploaded one infringing track owned by Universal. If Universal wins this lawsuit, this would mean 318,000 users would cost MySpace $47.7 BILLION. Holy shit!

Obviously what Universal's seeking isn't so much a settlement, but leverage to negotiate. As Jeff Leeds from The New York Times said, "If Universal can win in court, it is likely to gain leverage in negotiating licensing terms with user-driven services — just at the moment that those services are attracting deep-pocketed partners."

Universal isn't sucking up to the user-generated communities in order to get paid; it's using power politics for control. Just last month, Universal chief executive Doug Morris' public condemnation of YouTube helped the group land a sweet licensing deal just before YouTube was sold to Google, and it also recently filed claims against video-sharing sites like Bolt and Grouper Networks. (On a side note, Universal recently worked out a deal with Microsoft to receive $1 for every Zune sold.)

MySpace has already called the litigation "unnecessary" and "meritless," stating that it is in full compliance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Furthermore, MySpace separately announced last Friday that it plans to use a new tool to allow copyright owners like Universal to "flag" copyrighted content, which would then be removed. "We provide users with tools to share their own work — we do not induce, encourage, or condone copyright violation in any way," stated MySpace. What, don't they like confetti!?

In other news, MySpace's content is all produced in sweatshops, but you didn't see that on the political agenda earlier this month, did you? Bullshit I say!

EMI Still Way Ahead of the Game, Release Official Mashups to Prove It

Bet you thought you had the upper hand on EMI, didn't you? You clever little Sony Acid Pro superstar! Well, serves you right — they're gonna one-up your garbage mix of Eric Clapton's "I Shot The Sheriff" vs. Wolf Eyes' "Stabbed In The Face" with an official album of mash-ups by the notorious, world-renowned Go Home Productions.

Okay, so I hadn't heard of Go Home Productions before either. But apparently Mark Vidler must have given those sexy EMI execs some very good cunningulus/fellatio action, as he gets the official "it's okay" stamp of approval for his album of synchronized songs.

The album, the aptly titled Mashed, is set to feature such pairings as Blondie with The Doors, Kelis with Duran Duran, and my personal favorite, Iggy Pop with Peggy Lee. This CD will be different than the "usual" mashup stuff, as it won't be as heavily dance-influenced, a la 2manydjs or Danger Mouse. Instead, it will just be a bunch of songs you already know being played at the same time.

But man, what an awe-inspiring album title. I feel a little ripped off, though, as I was planning on naming my new potato concept album Mashed, and now I'm left holding the bag.

You maniacs! You ruined everything! Damn you, Go Home Productions! Damn you all to hell!

Tourdate Conversion Example: Quintron Tours

Nobody on the road. No one's even on the beach. And the fucking Eagles signed a goddamned deal with Wal-Mart. I knock on your door. I know nobody's home. Your gramma calls it Wally World. But, damn girl. I can still see your brown skin shining in the sun. You had those sunglasses on. Shit. Goddamned hair combed straight fucking back. Remember when Dylan signed that one deal with Starbucks? Public Enemy with Best Buy? Sounds like an industry trend. Take note. I can't tell you I'll still be in love with you, though, after those dudes are gone. What does that even mean? Corporate goat fuck. Is that a fucking Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac? God's miserable teeth! This isn't even an Eagle’s song! Corporate goat fuck. Industry trend! Shining in the sun!

Tourdate Conversion Example: Quintron Tours

Step 1: copy-paste dates into Notepad file.

11-24-2006 New York NY Irving Plaza
11-25-2006 Philadelphia PA Theatre of Living Arts
11-26-2006 Washington DC 9:30 Club
11-27-2006 Charlottesville VA Satellite Ballroom
11-28-2006 Atlanta GA Variety Playhouse
11-30-2006 Fort Worth TX Ridglea Theater
12-01-2006 Austin TX Austin Festival
12-02-2006 New Orleans LA House of blues
12-03-2006 Tallahassee FL The Beta Bar
12-04-2006 Orlando FL The Club at Firestone
12-07-2006 Miami FL Churchills Pub

Step 2: Ctrl+h (replace "-" with ".")

Step 3: Ctrl+h (replace "2006. " with "06 - ")

Step 4: Manually add "-" between location and venue

Step 5: italicize

Step 6: send to TMT; they publish anything

11.24.06 - New York NY - Irving Plaza
11.25.06 - Philadelphia PA - Theatre of Living Arts
11.26.06 - Washington DC - 9:30 Club
11.27.06 - Charlottesville VA - Satellite Ballroom
11.28.06 - Atlanta GA - Variety Playhouse
11.30.06 - Fort Worth TX - Ridglea Theater
12.01.06 - Austin TX - Austin Festival
12.02.06 - New Orleans LA - House of blues
12.03.06 - Tallahassee FL - The Beta Bar
12.04.06 - Orlando FL - The Club at Firestone
12.07.06 - Miami FL - Churchills Pub

posted by crowell

The Fall To Release New Album And Two Books; TMT Scores Exclusive Fake Excerpt

Mark E. Smith's prolificacy through the years has been simply bananas, no? (And I'm not just talking about PEEL Sessions!!!) With all the excitement and controversy still bubbling from their most recent tour, The Fall have decided to release a new album in early 2007, entitled Reformation. No tracklist or details about the content yet, but it's rumored that Ben Folds will play piano on none of the tracks.

Also planned are two Fall-related books; the first is the autobiographical Renegade: The Gospel According To Mark E. Smith, which may have actual spittle-and-beer stains on select pages, while the second is Perverted By Language: Fiction Inspired By The Fall, which is a collection of fiction inspired by The Fall. Though the latter book won't be out until June 28, TMT has acquired a fake advance copy and is pleased to offer a short excerpt:

The Man Whose Head Expanded

It was a dark and stormy night. E. G. Cunningham pulled into his driveway at 9:30 PM, much like any other night. He removed his keys from the ignition and dropped them into his suit pocket, much like any other night. In fact, everything that happened to Mr. Cunningham on that dark and stormy night was precisely the same as any other night of his life. Precisely the same, that is, except for one sinister difference. On that particular dark and stormy night, E. G. Cunningham had a horrible secret of the most jaw-dropping magnitude.

Cunningham exited his vehicle and opened the front door to greet his beautiful wife, but something suddenly gave him pause. E. G. Cunningham could not get through the front door. Luckily, his wife was not only beautiful but pragmatic, and in minutes a solution was reached: Cunningham would enter through the side window. Dinner was already set on the table as he stepped into the dining room, and his wife trembled as she ladled fresh soup into his bowl. Before the spoon was even brought to his lips, Cunningham's cranium had suddenly expanded to the size of a baby rhinoceros.

"Why... why is this happening to me?" he wailed. "What have I done to deserve such treatment?"

"You sad, sad man," his wife whispered into his ear, an ear now the size of an adult rhinoceros. "Did you really believe I'd never find out about your child pornography ring?"

"No... no, I can explain, honey!" he shrieked. "Honey no... put that safety pin down... you can't do this to me. You can't do this to E.G. Cunningham!" And with that, he became the man whose head... exploded. All over the walls. His funeral was a simple affair attended by few, and in weeks his wife was married to Mark E. Smith, who meats her.

Universal Music Is Now U.S.-Approved to Buy BMG Publishing Unit, Also Supports Slave Labor, Troops

Surprise, surprise: Vivendi's Universal Music has received U.S. antitrust approval to acquire BMG Music Publishing, in an estimated $2.09 billion deal. (Shit, that's a lot of Egg McMuffins.) What does this mean? It means that Universal could potentially own 22% of the publishing market, which would essentially combine (1) the world's third largest music publisher and largest independent music publisher with (2) the world's fourth largest publishing company that already owns and administers more than 1 million copyrights. (Try to guess which one's which!) This would create the world's largest publishing company, just beating out EMI.

But, don't worry, you optimistic mealworm! Because here comes IMPALA, the pan-European independent labels/publishers group that successfully overturned the EC's approval of the Sony BMG merger!! Can IMPALA come to the rescue and provide some valuable input to the EU's investigation!? Will IMPALA be able to convince the inhabitants of Earth that a merger could lead to "prejudice in terms of collecting societies, online licensing, synchronisation markets, and the restrictive impact on songwriters and artists"!? The IMPALA members are currently in consultation with each other and we should hear back soon. C'mon, they've gotta prove the U.S. wrong! They've just gotta.

THIS JUST IN: ARTISTS STILL FUCKED

The World Has One Less Mazarin To Kick Around

My sophomore year of college, I lived across the street from a fraternity house. No, it wasn't this pack of bigots, though I'm embarrassed to say that it was at the same institution. Anyway, like most frat guys, they were really into drinking beer shirtless on their front porch, with music blaring and barbecues blazing. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? Well, no. Not when your boat is pumping Jimmy Buffet loud enough for all of Baltimore hear. Saturday after Saturday, my roommates and I were jolted awake by the pseudo-calypso strains of "Margaritaville," "Cheeseburger in Paradise," and all the other food-and-drink-themed classics. And when they got tired of that? "Sweet Home Alabama."

While I'm free associating, I might as well let you know that Jimmy Buffet has decided to sue some dude for copyright infringement. Apparently that dude, named Robert Akard, owns a site called Under One Hut, where you can buy all types of latter-day frat guy accoutrements, from crisp, khaki shorts to beach-themed home accessories. Listen, don't barf yet — it gets better. So the dude's web site is selling some Jimmy Buffet merch, apparently without permission from the Buffmeister. Interested? Well, for $16, this little beauty can be yours.

This kind of makes me nervous that Jimmy Buffet is going to sue TMT for adapting his lyrics to last month's news story. That would be really sad, because then Mr P would be totally penniless and have to go live in a box. Whoa, that's depressing. Please, Jimmy Buffet, for the love of all things tequila-infused, have a heart! Don't take away Mr. P's home!!!