Sunburned Hand Of The Man Seeking Pleasant Audience Member

Hi, my name is Sunburned, 34 years old. I'm from Massachusetts originally, though lately I've been all over the country and beyond, believe it or not! You see, I'm kind of a party boy, though at the same time I believe in the importance of the strong-mind/strong-body duality, if you know what I mean. I'm really easy going, always funny and laughing and friendly, I'm a good listener, I'm spontaneous, straight, always laughing. I may even improve YOUR life with my majorly friendly qualities! ;)

Some of my friends say I'm modest, hardworking, easy going, responsible and other stuff! I am a determined individual and am looking for an equally determined audience member to spend some quality time appreciating my music. Yeah girls, it's true... I'm a musician! My mom always said I had a gift for the guitar (not to mention the GAB!) and it really kinda goes without saying that my mom is numero uno on my list of important people, only being beaten out by my boys J.C. and Emeril Lagasse. (Did I mention I love to cook?!) But yeah, there's nothing I love more than a sweet tune and a pretty girl to rock out with.

If you are interested or even kind of curious, please meet me at any of the following places and we can see a movie or just have a drink and listen to my music and then see where the night may or may not take us depending on our compatibility:

Thank you so much in advance for sending me your pic and contact info. I know we are meant to be together and I await eagerly our successful encounter!

John Vanderslice Tours, Heidi Vanderslice Camps Out In Front Of NYC’s Mercury Lounge à la {Rock’n’Roll High School}

Admittedly, I'd first been intrigued by Mr. Vanderslice because of his name's close proximity to that of my father, John Vanderlee. Howzabout that? They are, indeed, two completely different people, but a few striking similarities exist. John Vanderslice is a well-known four-track traditionalist when it comes to recording, and John Vanderlee prefers all things analog as well, spinning a weekly radio show almost entirely comprised of vinyl, entitled "Pipes'n'Pizzazz" and airing from 11AM-12PM on WVKR 91.3-FM/end familial plug. John Vanderslice is of the opinion that Bill Gates should probably kick it (see "Bill Gates Must Die"), and John Vanderlee gave the proverbial two-finger salute to IBM in 1992. See what I'm getting at? Of course, when I had the fortune to meet Mr. Vanderslice after his 2003 Knitting Factory show with then-unknown Sufjan Stevens (no, really) and Centro-Matic, I could have probably come up with something more clever than "You have almost the same name as my dad! Uh... John Vanderlee!" To his credit, he was quite gracious, but of course, this fact remains much more exciting to me. As does this article, I'm realizing...

Names aside, John Vanderslice's music is pristine and refined and yet refreshingly melodic; the epitome of "tight." Take into account the fact that every one of his albums is produced from analog tape masters, and it's clear that respect is due. This American Four-Tracker owns and operates Tiny Telephone, the last all-analog recording studio in the Bay Area of San Francisco, and its services won't break the bank, neither. 2005's Pixel Revolt didn't quite live up to earlier albums like Cellar Door (2004) or The Life and Death of American Four-Tracker (2002), but this man puts on a hell of a show, painstakingly reproducing the slick quality of his recordings with a little something special.

Take me with you:

Global Licenses Through ISPs a Possibility; Microsoft And Apple To Hold Discussions For Road Map To Peace

There's an old idea being kicked around Europe and the United States about a new way in which we (the people) are allowed to legally consume music: global licenses attributed to us through our internet service providers that "would substitute royalty payments on the purchases of digital music over the internet." Hmmm... Blogosphere, assemble!

FMQB is reporting that the license fee would be "collected by" ISPs in addition to your monthly internet bill. You'd own the songs and get to put them on whatever player you want. Say goodbye iTunes exclusivity. And that's the idea. Apple may look pretty, but it grabs two balls in one fist with relative ease, making anything downloaded on iTunes only fair for one device, its iPod. There's been great contention in Europe over Apple exclusivity, and "consumer groups in Germany and France have now allied with Norway, Denmark and Sweden to push Apple to make songs sold from iTunes compatible with music players other than iPods."

Compatible with, say, the Microsoft Zune? Interoperability is the buzzword and a global license could be the key to shifting emphasis away from failing CD sales. CD, we hardly knew ye. But how will it work? What about free Wi-Fi? Will ISPs get a cut for handling money? And why should they be handling royalties, of which they have nothing to do with? So many questions... Blogosphere, do what you do best! Show us how insightful and witty you are while telling us the error of other peoples' ways.

Who knows, maybe interoperability will catch on. The future is a strange and dangerous place. In two years, I bet you'll be able to put Coke inside a Pepsi bottle, and vice versa. It may seem strange now, but in two years, when you're going into a Pepsi-controlled fallout bloc, you'll praise newly elected President Mitch Bainwol, Earth Division for that forward-thinking agenda, as those thugs will turn their plasma acid rifles on someone else.

The End of High-Quality Radio Streams? “Perform Act” Sails Seven Seas For Pirates, Realizes It’s Sailing On Land; Continues

Like many other unsavory individuals these days, I spend a fair amount of time listening to music via online radio stations. Given the borderline-hilariously limited range of music offered on commercial radio, the chance to listen to high-quality streams of amazing stations throughout the country is an endless treat, from the electric Mecca of WFMU to the sheer Weir-iness of WNUR. Whenever I'm sick of listening to the lone Mariah Carey Christmas album in my iTunes library, I load up one of
these stations and the word "Om" forms on my lips, as if by a divine hand.

So, of course, internet radio must be dismantled. The "Platform Equality and Remedies for Rights Holders in Music Act," or PERFORM (how do those words add up to PERFORM?!), was introduced to the Senate recently after having been originally introduced last year and thankfully left to die. This legislation would require content protection on internet broadcasts (along with digital and satellite radio) and would put an end to MP3 streaming. Although the Audio Home Recording Act of 1992 gave consumers the right to make both analog and digital recordings of broadcasts, some feel that this is entirely too "fair." Have I mentioned the RIAA is involved?

The fear of those that have no idea what's happening at any given moment is that Long John Silver-types are sailing the airwaves and recording songs that play for subsequent distribution through P2P networks. Somehow, this is meant to be a simpler and more sinister method than one dude buying the CD and converting it to MP3s. If the Perform Act passes, radio stations will be forced to abandon high-quality streaming formats for other alternatives, ones that will be literally oozing with DRM technology. And the only kind of ooze I like to hear about is that which oozes with secrets -- secrets that can be uncovered through the teamwork and determination of four hard-workin', shell-shockin', crime-fightin' turtles.

Busdriver And RJD2 Tour In Pretty Much Every Venue, Bar, Art Gallery, Festival, Abandoned Warehouse, Fire Station, Bank, Train Station, Front Room Bigger Than 10m2, Antiques Store, Bowling Alley, Ice Skating Rink, Dairy Aisle And Courtroom In The USA

B B B B B Busdriver says:

Hey man

RJD2 (god dammit im NOT R2D2!!!) says:

sup

B B B B B Busdriver says:

What u up to?

RJD2 (god dammit im NOT R2D2!!!) says:

not much, mom's got me in doin homework

B B B B B Busdriver says:

Damn, that sucks.

B B B B B Busdriver says:

Want to go out? Maybe tour a little? Me n Deerhoof are up for it, maybe get a couple of other ppl.

RJD2 (god dammit im NOT R2D2!!!) says:

nah man, i told u! gotta do this work

B B B B B Busdriver says:

It's cool, i've got this totally bitchin plan

RJD2 (god dammit im NOT R2D2!!!) says:

what?

B B B B B Busdriver says:

Just tell ur mom there's this awesome, like, demolition derby goin down. Cars exploding and stuff, all the cars have got badass dragon decals on the sides and everything. and at the end there's going to be this 18-wheeler on fire that's gonna just come in and total everyone.

RJD2 (god dammit im NOT R2D2!!!) says:

SERIOUSLY??? that sounds AWESOME!!! where is it??

B B B B B Busdriver says:

nah, that's the thing, man. there isn't one, but yr mom will get so excited she's gonna want to go out and see it. then you can sneak out!

RJD2 (god dammit im NOT R2D2!!!) says:

i don't really think shes that into demolition derbys

B B B B B Busdriver says:

Whatever, man. EVERYONE's into demolition derbys.

The Busdriver 'N' Pals Super Fun Tour In A Venue Near You:

The Decemberists Go On Tour, Move Mr P To A Bigger House

Portland's own group of indie-folk sea-chantey prog rockers, The Decemberists, are, much like the South, gonna do it again. Tour, that is, as this spring will see another round of dates for the group, which are promoting their major-label debut, 2006's The Crane Wife (Capitol). The band have also just released an iTunes-only live EP, Live From SoHo, which was recorded live at the Apple Store in SoHo. I guess when the internet is the world's record store, then playing the Apple Store is the 21st Century version of an 'in-store' performance. This headlining tour, which will feature My Brightest Diamond as the opening act, finds the group playing in some of the largest venues of their career.

While the press release for this tour mentioned most of what I just told you, there were a few other bits in it that got me thinking. Here's one: 'a much-publicized guitar showdown with Stephen Colbert resulted in Dr. Henry Kissinger, Peter Frampton, and Elliot Spitzer showing up in more Decemberists Google searches than ever before.' I wish TMT was showing up in more Decemberists searches then ever before. But wait, why stop there. I want TMT to show up in more seemingly-out-of-context searches then ever before. Searches for things like:

EMI’s Capitol and EMI’s Virgin Conslidate to Form EMI’s Capitol Music Group, Which Is Ironic Because Would EMI’s Nicoli Send His Own Son to Iraq?

Remember when major music groups gave a shit about their employees? Neither do I, and neither will ex-EMI Group employees two months from now when they're looking for new jobs to call their own (like single-father-of-three Joey Rimshot from Sacramento, who was saving up for a plane ticket to visit his dying father).

It was announced yesterday morning that the EMI Group is consolidating its Capitol and Virgin labels. Named Capitol Music Group and headed by Virgin's Jason Flom, the move is part of a restructuring plan to eliminate redundancies and reduce annual expenses by $217 million. The plan is spearheaded by chief executive officer of EMI Group Eric Nicoli, best known for creating Nestle's Lion Bar, a candy bar consisting of wafer, caramel, and rice crispies covered in milk chocolate (seriously).

So far, Andrew Slater, president and chief executive of Capitol, has "stepped down," joining already dismissed EMI executives Alain Levy and David Munns. BUT WE'RE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT EXECUTIVE LAYOFFS! The recent announcement supports the somewhat widespread belief that EMI is packaging itself for a sale or merger (rumor has it that Warner Music Group may increase its bid), and according to sources speaking to both The New York Times' Jeff Leeds and Digital Music News, heavy layoffs are expected to come.

Our source had some enlightening things to say, too:

tinymixxtapes3: hey, writing a story about the Capitol/Virgin consolidation... any exclusive info you can give me?

RimShot21: not really. i don't work for EMI anymore. got laid off. those fuckers.

tinymixxtapes3: hahahah!!

RimShot21: what's so funny man?

tinymixxtape3: i was actually going to write about layoffs in my story!

RimShot21: really!? haha, shit, weird.

tinymixxtapes3: so no exclusive info you can give me? c'mon, some quote or something... i'm on deadline yo

RimShot21: not unless you want to report how i was planning to buy a ticket to visit my dying father, but now i can't cuz of the layoff... :

tinymixxtapes3: um, not really. that's too depressing for the readers. fuck it. hey, have you heard the new Panda Bear album? sooooo awesome.

RimShot21: i haven't! hook me up (by the way, understandable about my father...)

tinymixxtapes3: maybe i'll mention it if you buy some ad space for march... ?

RimShot21: hmm, i'm kinda saving for that plane ticket...but i know you've been saving for a new record player...

tinymixxtapes3: well, whatever dude... i do need the money, but do whatever you want (paypal email is tinymixxtapes3@aol.com). gotta go, talk later.

Holy Fuck Fudge On Tour [ed. Let’s At Least Keep The Headline Clean…]

I have no idea how Holy Fuck decided on their band name, but I'm guessing it was the result of sheer frustration. This is how the scenario played out in my head: After hours of debating the name of the band, the collective threw up their arms (in sheer frustration) and agreed that the next two words uttered by anyone would be the name of the band. Everyone sat silently for a few minutes, not wanting to condemn the group to a lifetime of mockery due to a shoddy name. Suddenly, the drummer had to pee. While standing in the bathroom emptying his bladder into the porcelain bowl, he noticed a small circular hole on the wall. Being unfamiliar with the concept of a "glory hole" the unassuming drummer went all Porky's on that hole and decided to take a peek. Bursting from the bathroom in tears the drummer screamed, "HOLY FUCK, I just got an eyeball full of CACK!"

For those a little lost because of the slang vernacular my imagination employed back there, CACK is a common mispronunciation of the word "cock," which refers to the (preferably) long, tube-shaped part of the male genitalia. For the never-been-humped ladies reading, "cock" is the gender opposite of "cunt," a slang term for the mighty clam caught between your legs. "Cunt" is also one of the more offensive sounding words in the English language, especially when you pack it full of hate and vitriol. Use it next time you get into a shout-off with the mistress, there's nothing more satisfying than making someone smaller than you cry... unless they become so enraged that they kill you. That would be bad.

Oh... and just in case anyone is still reading, Holy Fuck are about to go on tour. Check them out. They're really good. Seriously.

Holy Fuck Tour DateZ:

Exclusive: Dinosaur Jr. Reuniting With David Lee Roth For Tour

Confidential sources are telling TMT that the sources who told Billboard that David Lee Roth is reuniting with Van Halen are full of shit. The real story is that David Lee Roth is reuniting (for the first time, dictionary be damned) with Dinosaur Jr. for a full tour. While no one in the Dinosaur Jr. camp will confirm or deny this, they have announced the title and tracklist of the band's next LP, Beyond.

Fat Possum will release the record, which has plenty of J Mascis, Lou Barlow & Murph -- and zero DLR -- on May 1. The album, the band's eighth, was recorded by Mascis and engineer John Angello (Hold Steady, Oxford Collapse) at Mascis' home studio. This is the first Dinosaur Jr. record since 1988's Bug to feature the original Jayloumurph lineup. In addition the album, the group also has a Roth-less DVD coming out. The live DVD, which was directed by Phillip Virus, Mascis' brother-in-law, includes performances from a couple of the band's December '05 reunion shows and will hit stores May 8.

Enough with the boring LP/DVD talk; here are those precious Roth tour details. Our sources have also confirmed some changes are afoot, which might make some Dino-thusiasts very unhappy. Gone from the band are Lou & Murph, replaced by Mascis' brother on drums and his 15-year-old son on bass. Lou's familiar cardigan-shaped bass will be replaced with one that looks like a giant Capri-Sun pouch, to better suit the younger Mascis' interests. While none of this has yet been confirmed, you can't deny that Dinosaur Jr. loves a good reunion. No doubt, a full list of tourdates is forthcoming.

Beyond tracklist:

The Latest Craze: Remix Apostle of Hustle and Flow Yourself Prizes

How to do the Two-Card Hustle:

Two cards: one is normal, one is double-faced. Put double-faced card in your hand with odd side up (don’t flash the back). With the regular card in your other hand, show both sides of it, and turn it over and put underneath double-faced. Recite nonsense incantation* and remove top card and place behind your back, leaving the other (normal) card face down. Bring the double-face behind your back out with the matching side showing and then place it face up under the normal card in your hand (don’t show the odd side). Recite nonsense incantation* and turn the top card end to end. It will be the same as the card underneath it now. Put both cards in breast pocket and slide away with a doodie-eating grin on your face. Produce two "real" cards if questioned for inspection. Celebrate by spending any ill-gotten booty on some ill-gotten booty.

How to do the Latin Hustle:

The hustle is based around alternating sets of two quick and two slow steps. Four steps are done in three beats of music (the quick steps take a half beat, the slow ones a full beat). 1, 2, & 3 or 1, 2, 3 counting is acceptable. Alternate two forward steps and two backward steps. Start on the second backward step and call out: ball-change, walk, walk, ball-change. Put on any bargain bin disco or anything that has between 100-130 b.p.m. ("Men in Black" will do). Play the dance smooth (don’t hop!), act like the cock of the walk, flail arms, and work the attitude. If it’s too difficult or you look like Jimmy Fallon in that played-out Pepsi ad, light up bong and watch Saturday Night Live or Thank God It’s Friday instead.

We are not positive what sort of hustle main apostle Andrew Whiteman has chosen to carry out, but he cannot be the patron saint of hustling well-planned tours. If anything, he is akin to the apostle often referred to as St. Jude, the patron saint of desperate cases. Whereas most Canadians turn into snowbirds and fly south when it gets below -30 Celsius (with a wind chill that would freeze the nuts off a raft of penguins) the collective Apostle of Hustle is opting to stay in the frigid north playing residencies and one-offs instead of venturing to warmer climes.

If you live in Southern/Eastern Ontario, Canada, this one’s for you:

01.24.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli #
01.27.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club #
01.31.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli $
02.02.07 - Hamilton, The Casbah
02.03.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club %
02.07.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli %
02.09.07 - Ottawa, Ontario - Winterlude 2007 +
02.10.07 - Kingston, The Grad Club ^
02.15.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli ~

# w/Besnard Lakes

$ w/Alex Lukashevsky

% w/Wooley Leaves

+ "Indie Night" w/Amy Millan, Jason Collett & Young Galaxy

^ w/Chris Brown

~ w/Darkland & Lamplight

If you are particularly creative but are feeling left out of this rather localized northern Apostle of Hustle winter tour, don't fret. Click here and try your luck at remixing their new track "My Sword Hand's Anger." Your shitty remix won’t be included on the new album National Anthem of Nowhere (out February 6), but that shouldn't stop you from having fun and cranking one out. If your work is chosen by the esteemed Arts & Crafts judges, you will win goodies, including studio schwag (a Universal Audio PCI UAD-1 Flexi Pak), tickets to an upcoming Apostle show, and an autographed version of National... on vinyl. Deadline is February 15.

1. "My Sword Hand's Anger"
2. National Anthem of Nowhere
3. The Naked & Alone
4. Haul Away
5. Cheap Like Sebastien
6. ¡Rafaga!
7. Chances Are
8. A Rent Boy Goes Down
9. Fast Pony for Victor Jara
10. Justine, Beckoning
11. Jimmy Scott Is the Answer
12. NoNoNo

* You may want to try this magic chant: "I was entranced by Gwydion Tocle / turned my pubic region into cockle / seven waves of the sea / flourishing buds of the tree / sorrow turned my mind to pee / cards be crazy...so mote it be!"

  

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