Fatherly Act of Love, or Sign of the Apocalypse? You Be the Judge While David Bowie Does Voice-Overs for Spongebob Squarepants
Who's joining with Nicktoons to fill kids with glee? (Da-vid Bo-wie)
A voice on an upcoming special is he! (Da-vid Bo-wie)
...okay, I've only seen the show like once in my life, so I can't go much farther with my alternate theme song bit. Regardless, I think that in those two short lines, I said all there really is to say. Yes, David Bowie will soon be joining the long list of seemingly reputable musical artists to affiliate themselves with that which is at the same time a child's dream come true and a tailor's worst nightmare: David Bowie is going to be on Spongebob Squarepants.
The Thin White Duke will be uniting with The Rectilinear Yellow Sponge for an upcoming special in which he will lend his voice to a character who goes by the name "Lord Royal Highness" — a title that suits Bowie 30 years ago more so than today, but no matter. Furthermore, Bowie claims that he accepted the role because his six-year old daughter is a fan of the show. You know, when I was six, I asked my dad if he would do a guest spot on Salute Your Shorts for me as a half-birthday present, and what do you think the old fart said? "That's impossible, son, I love you but..." Yeah, but nothin'. Save it for our therapist, asshole. Jesus, all I wanted was a fatherly show of affection. Apparently David Bowie loves his kids enough for that. I'm too upset to continu
The Jigga-man himself is once again the victim in a dispute with goofy, GOOFY China. Jay-Z's scheduled performance at Shanghai's Honkou Stadium on October 23 has been hella cancelled. However, this time around Jahova wasn't discriminated because he "was black," or because he was "driving 55 in a 54." (You know... that line has always bothered me.) Anyway, China disapproved of Jay-Z's rompish lyrics and declared the rapper too vulgar for the Communist country.
China has been censoring the arts and the media since the senselessly racist Wang Chung had their senselessly racist mega-hit "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight (That's What Every Guy's Name Is In China)." If you recall, the FCC did not go as far as to ban the song in America, but instead made a deal where those bastard racists removed the parenthetical. And in actualness, The Rolling Stones were almost banned earlier this year as well. But they weren't because they agreed not to play their filthy sex anthems, "Honkey Tonk Women" and "Brown Sugar." (And then Cockle wrote an amazing review of it!)
Jay-Z, real name Sean Carter (that's news in itself!), was probably smoking a fatty when he heard this news, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume he was crushed. Poor man was probably waiting for the Chinese Culture Ministry to josh him big with a clichéd, "I make joke/ I go pee pee in your coke." Funny story, but my Asian friend Paul actually did that to me once.
In due respect to rapper/mogul/retiree/Jayonce/out-of-retirement/we-get-it Jay's current turmoil, I have rewritten the lyrics to the date-rape classic "Big Pimpin" to make it racist of the postmodern sort (ex: haha, world is all good, haha):
"Big Pimpin (Nasty China Version)" feat. emceegreg and Three-six Mafia:
You know I
Cause I don't FUCKIN' need em
Woodchucks chuck wood
But China ain't no good
Yeah, I don't FUCKIN' feed em
They wanna start a fuss I'm breezin'
I'm a pimp all over the world, BITCH
I don't trust or believe em
In my butt, that's where I keep em
'Til I need to nut
All up in that China gut
Y'all be frontin'
Me give my heart to a Chinaman
Not for nothin'
I be forever whackin'
More hardcore than anal assassins
I got no passion
You're just no longer finger lickin?
When I boycott General Tso's chicken
Ho get your ass in
And let's RI-I-I-I-I-IDE
(This is the chorus guys)
We doin' Big pimpin
I don't like the Chinese
Kick em out now
Smokin' some trees
We doin' Big pimpin' I think I gots a disease
It's just that Jigga-man
Jackie Chan and maybe Jet Li
Check em out now (Repeat)
Tourdates (other parts of the world don't mind the nasty):
10.13.06 - Durban, SAF - ABSA Stadium
10.14.06 - Johannesburg, SAF - Coca Coloa Dome
10.18.06 - Bangkok, THA - BEC-Thero Hall
10.20.06 - Seoul, SKO - Gayagum Concert Hall
10.21.06 - Taipei, TAI - Taipei Super Dome
10.25.06 - Sydney, AUS - Sydney Entertainment Centre *
10.26.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.27.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.28.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Rod Laver Arena *
* w/ Roc Tha Block
Summer Hymnal is out on Misra on the November 21st.
[Editor's Note: Okay, this is the last straw. For one: the album is called Backward Masks. You're telling me you couldn't check AllMusic? At least you got the date and label right. Oh, and can we at least mention that they are from Athens, GA? Or that they play southern-tinged dream-pop?]
Totally Real Tracklist:
1. Take My Life and Let Me Be
2. Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
3. Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
4. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
5. Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
6. Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
7. When Peace, Like a Trickle
8. I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
9. Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
10. Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
11. What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
[Editor's Note: Okay, you are double-fired now. That's not the tracklist. This is:
1. Way You Walk
2. Pity and Envy
3. Start Swimming
4. Darkness Comes
6. Bombay Brown India Ink
8. New Way
9. Ice Age World
10. 14 Inches of Snow
11. Pheromones Induced
12. When the Bombs Fall
Again, all I had to do was check Allmusic. That's not inspiration. It's called fact-checking.]
[Oh, and I hate emo.]
Bronfman Went A-Courtin’ and He Did Ride, Uh Huh, Uh Huh. Merger News + Bronfman = I Just Popped a Semi!
The United States, tired of outsourcing only American jobs in both production and information technology, has made a bold move: outsourcing a sense of moral indignation over records! EMI Virgin India Ltd (based in Mumbai) has declared it will recall all copies of Slayer's new album, Christ Illusion. The victims? The Catholic Secular Forum — helpfully identified as a Christian group by Billboard.com — is makin' it happen! CSF General Secretary Joseph Dias issued a statement taking "strong exception" to the album cover as well as the track "Skeleton Christ." He cites the lyrics as "an insult to Christianity." According to various virus-infested internet sites, said lyrics include, "I laugh at the abortion known as Christianity/ I've seen the ways of God/ I'll take the devil any day/ Hail Satan." Slayer: the band to turn to for delightfully subtle critiques on this modern culture.
The CSF wants everyone to know that they have everyone's best interests in mind, as the album "will affect the sensibilities of Muslims on the track to 'Jihad' and secular Indians who have respect for all faiths." As a Jew, I am personally offended that there are no tracks belittling my people, clearly proving that in the end Slayer are anti-Semites. EMI Virgin India Ltd, come to my aid!
Does everyone remember when talks cooled in hot July vis-à-vis some sort of attempted takeover or merger between industry elephants Warner Music and EMI? Whaaaat? You didn't? Acquisition shareholders meetings weren't four-and-a-half star video fodder on YouTube that month? Lil' Johnny Stewart didn't invite Warner's Edgar Bronfman Jr. onto "The Seat of Heat"? Has B-to-tha-ronfman completely lost his credibility with the youthful boobs and 18-35 lefties of today? Well, if it wasn't news then, it won't be now. But here it is anyway.
The Times Online contends that if at first you don't succeed, go back for another bitchslap. Then another bitchslap and another bitchslap. If these bitchslaps are just preliminary bitchslaps or if they are little parts of a grander, more elaborate bitchslap scheme, then you have no choice but to go back for more bitchslaps. Despite quashed efforts in the past to meld our two favorite major labels into one stupid superbeast, Bronfman has again made advances to get to third base with EMI. If you remember correctly, it was in July that the two companies issued statements of disinterest in a possible union. But you can count on Bronfman to forget quickly. In September, Bronfman flew to England to butter up EMI investors and hedge fund shareholders. One wonders: what is the hold-up? Although these kinds of things get tripped up with every little bit of hassle, I half-suspect that EMI just can't deal with Bronfman's real-ness. Could he be too much of a risk for plain ol', staid ol' EMI? Maybe EMI likes its business dealings like my grandma likes her Bloody Caesars — with "no ice, no spice."
Jeeesh, Bronfman... cut the cord for Crissakes! You are starting to remind me of someone who gets dumped by his girlfriend only to come back twice as headstrong with a plan to win her back with constant phone calls and drive-bys and then buys a Whisper 2000 so he can sit in the neighbor's bushes across the street from her house crying while doing lines off a cracked Silverchair CD case trying to hear if she is talking to a guy on the phone, then following her and her friends to a bar and sitting across the room creepily drinking beer after beer while burning holes in her with his eyes every time she laughs, or looks at anyone, or comes even remotely within inches of another male body...
Yikes, I was really starting to creep myself out there. Many apologies... must be visions of past restraining orders dancing in my head. Absurd suspicion stories aside, there is something afoot. Following the news of Bronfman currying favor overseas, MSNBC reported that current EMI Music Publishing chairman and co-chief executive Martin Bandier is looking for pastures new, possibly with Warner. Apparently Bandier, a song publishing mogul and a "legend in the music publishing business" — hey, I've thrown a LOT of money at acquiring a lot of songs and a lot of albums but noooo, that doesn't make me a legend, does it? — has already had talks with Bronfman Jr. ("BJ") and will meet with EMI execs next month in London to discuss his future with his present employers. As far as a reachable union is concerned, it has been unclear from the get-go whether this will be a merger or an outright acquisition by Warner of EMI, or of Warner by EMI. Who knows. I guess some things should remain floating above my head, just as they did when I was sleeping through my business journalism courses last year. You can be sure there will be news soon because these two companies seem to love their ongoing game of boardroom bag-tag. Our money is on Bronfman to make the first move, because if he has a problem, yo, he solves it... check out his savvy financial moves while his accountants revolve it.
As I was lying in a hospital bed, a rock 'n' roll nurse got into my head. She said, "Hold out your arm, girl, stick out your tongue. I got some New York Dolls tourdates, I'm gonna give you some." I think you know the rest of the story, and I don't have to detail the tawdry girl-on-girl action for you. Suffice it to say I got some pills for my love, to put me at ease, and some time later that rock 'n' roll nurse shook me down to my knees.
I woke up on the downtown 2 train a few days after that strange--but not entirely unprecedented--experience with a wicked hangover and a bloody nose. Pinned to my torn shirt was a list of tourdates scribbled in lipstick. Once I got over the initial shock, I realized that my last memory was of going to see the Dolls perform a free show at South Street Seaport. Surreal as the situation was (David Johansen in a tight t-shirt performing between a Pizzeria Uno and a war ship), the injuries and track marks were well worth it.
Lucky for you non-New Yorkers, David Johansen, Syl Sylvain, and some new guys are taking their show on the road for the first time in more than 30 years. The boys are touring in support of a new album, presciently titled One Day It Will Please Us to Remember Even This (Roadrunner). I hear that if you come home from their show without a needle sticking out of your arm or a vicious nurse-hickey on your neck, you get your money back:
11.06.06 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up
11.07.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
11.08.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Independent
11.10.06 - Portland, OR - Berbati's Pan
11.11.06 - Seattle - El Corazon
11.14.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Fine Line
11.15.06 - Chicago, IL - Vic Theatre
11.16.06 - Detroit - St. Andrews
11.17.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
11.18.06 - Buffalo, NY - Town Ballroom
11.20.06 - Boston, MA - Axis
11.21.06 - Providence, RI - Lupo's
11.22.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.24.06 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata
11.25.06 - Philadelphia, PA - TLA
11.26.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat
11.28.06 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm
11.29.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
12.01.06 - Nashville, TN - City Hall
12.02.06 - St. Louis, MO - TBA
Almost Wasn’t Going To Tell You About The New Pleaseeasaur Album And Tour… Please Don’t Be Sore ;-))))
Wow, your record collection sitting there looks pretty cool. I appreciate the way you've alphabetized everything by label; it's not often you see that. I don't know many people that even pay attention to the label. What I'm saying is, it's refreshing to see that you hold them in such high es — holy crap, do you have every single ESP-Disk release? That's insane! I was just going to say something about you having a pretty solid 5RC stack or something, but damn. That really says it all right there. You are a true completist.
Hey... do you have your Comedy Central Records collection stored away? Like, for safety reasons? What? Are you...are you kidding me? I know, you seem like a serious guy! But I can't just straightaway believe that you have zero Comedy Central albums! This changes everything. How can I rely on someone to recommend music to me that has never owned a Bobcat Goldthwait record? Man, I still remember the first time I listened to Dave Attell's Skanks for the Memories. Seminal stand-up classic right there. And to top it off, they've finally got their hands on a deal with Pleaseeasaur to put out his next few albums.
Stop messing with me. Pleaseeasaur. Oh, he's nobody special... just the guy who wrote "Digitits" and "I Hate Dog Shit"! You've never heard those. This is just sad. Well, he's going on tour soon and releasing The Amazing Adventures of Pleaseeasaur on October 24, and if I come over here again and don't see it (along with all three volumes of Crank Yankers Uncensored), I might have to go to someone else for my crystal meth.
You've been warned:
10.18.06 - Bellingham, WA - Western WA University
10.20.06 - Vancouver, BC - Pat's Pub
10.21.06 - Seattle, WA - Chop Suey
10.22.06 - Missoula, MO - The Raven Cafe
10.24.06 - Fargo, ND - The Aquarium
10.25.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock
10.26.06 - Marquette, MI - 231 House of Muses
10.27.07 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen
10.29.06 - Iowa City, IA - The Picador (formerly Gabe's Oasis)
10.31.06 - Columbus, OH - The High Five
11.01.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Gooski's
11.02.06 - Boston, MA - Great Scott Club *
11.03.06 - Portland, MA - Geno's *
11.04.06 - Long Branch, NJ - The Brighton Bar *
11.05.06 - Jamestown, NY - Reg Studio Theatre *
11.06.06 - Purchase, NY - Suny Purchase
11.07.06 - Wilkes Barre, PA - Cafe Metropolis *
11.08.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Khyber Pass ^
11.10.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory Tap Bar *
11.11.06 - Poughkeepsie, NY - Vassar College ^
11.12.06 - Baltimore, Maryland - Talking Head *
11.13.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat *
11.14.06 - Raleigh, NC - Kings Barcade
11.16.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
11.17.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree #
11.18.06 - Lawrence, KS - Jackpot Music Hall
11.19.06 - Kansas City, Missouri - Record Bar
11.24.06 - Denton, TX - Rubbergloves
11.25.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's Lounge
11.26.06 - Houston, TX - Super Happy Fun Land
11.30.06 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
12.01.06 - San Diego, CA - The Casbah @
12.07.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
12.08.06 - Eureka, CA - Pearl Lounge
* w/ Joe Jack Talcum
^ w/ Yip Yip
# w/ Califone
@ w/ The Melvins
My wife was the sound person at the Knitting Factory in New York. As a faithful spouse and happy concertgoer, I was happy to help out in whatever capacity I could — driving the bands around, making dinner after rehearsals, helping in arranging trips. There was a constantly changing staff with a certain core group of kids involved. One of them, a tall, slender girl named Plug had been our neighbor for nearly ten years, and she was always the best at booking shows.
Plug had always been one of my favorites, visiting and spending time in our home over the years. She was nearly 6' tall, with long blonde hair, very sensual lips, and a body kept in tone by years of dancing and athletics. Her breasts were small, about 34As, and her legs were long and well-muscled. She sang like an angel with a high, clear soprano voice.
Plug had, over the years, shown a tendency to give me big hugs, always with a comment like "TMT, you're my favorite," or "TMT, you're like a big cuddly bear." I would lean over and give her a kiss on top of her head and smile, never feeling very comfortable with it, but not wanting to hurt her feelings. I started avoiding being in situations where it might happen, and I never was alone with her, as that would violate the rules of the Knitting Factory.
One night at a Knitting Factory pool party, she wore a very skimpy bikini, really just a thong and two small pieces of fabric covering her nipples. I couldn't help but look and found myself paying attention to her. My wife didn't fail to notice either. "TMT, put your eyes back in your head. And what's that you've got going there?" she asked as she gave a little disapproving look at my crotch.
As the party wore down and we were about to leave, Plug came up to me, dripping wet, fresh from the pool. With a big hug, she said "Looks like I got accepted to Harvard. I'm going to miss you, TMT. Write to me, okay?" And she gave me her e-mail address. My wife broke up the hug with a comment that we had to go.
That night there was a strained silence followed by a comment that Plug should really be careful in school, since she took such liberties by 'throwing herself' at men. At bedtime, as we slid under the covers, my wife spooned up the me, then said "I saw you looking at her, you know. You be careful." A silent pause, then "But you did have the start of a nice hard-on there. You would have been very embarrassed if it had been her mother that saw your cock straining at your shorts." And she reached around behind her to cradle my cock in her hand as she drifted off to sleep.
Face the facts: Texan Micah P. Hinson is doing everything you said you were going to do, but haven't. In fact, I bet your dreams don't compare to Micah P. Hinson's reality. Sure, he may have had a few problems — bankruptcy, drugs, jail — in the past, but the future is bright, real bright. Hinson is putting out a new album, Micah P. Hinson and the Opera Circuit, on Jade Tree this week. It has many a backing musician on it, including Eric Bachman and members of The Earlies. You had difficulty convincing your neighbor to come over and jam with you, and that's despite the fact he is truly awful at guitar. Hinson's album is getting all kinds of rave reviews, at home and abroad. Your other neighbor yelled through the wall, "Y'all suck. Y'all better quit it, the 'Dawgs are playin' Ole Miss, and I can't hear Keith Jackson." Micah just recorded another live session for the BBC, his second. You just recorded your second voicemail message (at your horrible retail job) informing a customer that their rain check order has been filled.
So, it goes without saying that you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Hinson. Well, you are about to get that chance. He is going on a fall tour to support his latest record. MPH will be playing shows with Oakley Hall, Matt Pond PA, and Figurines, respectively, during this 3-week jaunt, beginning in Tempe, AZ. You will be going to see him play, so I guess you're not a complete failure:
10.24.06 - Tempe, AZ - Modified
10.25.06 - Riverside, CA - UC Riverside
10.26.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Spaceland ^
10.27.06 - Pomona, CA - Pitzer College
10.28.06 - San Francisco, CA - Du Nord
10.30.06 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir #
10.31.06 - Seattle, WA - Tractor Tavern
11.03.06 - New York, NY - North Six (Jade Tree CMJ Showcase)
11.04.06 - Chicago, IL - Schubas
11.07.06 - Toronto, ONT - Lee's Palace %
11.08.06 - Montreal, QBC - Green Room %
11.09.06 - Boston, MA - TT the Bear's %
11.10.06 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge %
11.15.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's
11.16.06 - Arlington, VA - IOTA Club and Café
11.17.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506
11.18.06 - Atlanta, GA - Lenny's
^ w/ Matt Pond PA
# w/ Figurines
% w/ Oakley Hall
For years Isaac Brock and his band o' hooligans have been making the soundtrack of our lives. One particular song, "Float On," has become a popular YouTube sing-a-long homemade video anthem. While hoping to find a video where an aspiring young filmmaker treks the journey of his own feces dubbed to the popular song, I came across even more ambiguous exploits. The ridiculous videos range from a rich kid who had a green screen for a day and made his head appear huge while he sung "Float On" to a brilliant video of high school kids mixing Mentos with diet Coke in order to avoid making out with frivolous girls.
Yep, people are really being creative with your hit single, oh mighty Modest Mouse. So you better be shitting out something beyond amazing this time around. I see that your sardonically ironic new album, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, has been pushed back from its pre-Christmas release of December 19 to early next year. Mice, is this your doing or Epic being one strict parent? It's hard to say, but it is so disappointing that someone somewhere may have cried. In a brilliant attempt to show you they are in fact still alive, the band have planned a few tourdates with a pre-sale available on their website. This will be the premier of the band's newest member, Johnny Marr, former Smiths guitarist. I'm sure you didn't know that little piece of information. Yep, I just blew your mind harder than a hooker in the back of your uncle's El Camino!
So I really procrastinated writing this "news." I've actually known this news for over a year now. It was just easier for me to put it off and focus on other things like drinking and crocheting with my mom. Well, I'm going to go film said video about one turd's amazing journey from porcelain to Sri Lanka, with the voices of John Goodman, Larry the Cable Guy, and Whoopi Goldberg as "peanut." Thanks for the inspiration Modest Moose and everyone at TMT! I'm a filmmaker now!
Tourdates with Your Mom: (No, not a band called Your Mom, just your mom. I've been really immature today. Sorry, guys!):
11.05.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
11.06.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Wiltern Theatre
11.07.06 - Anaheim, CA - The Grove
11.09.06 - Anahein, CA - The Grove
11.11.06 - Miami, FL - Bang! Festival
11.13.06 - New York, NY - Nokia Theatre
11.14.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.15.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.17.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.18.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.21.06 - London, UK - Koko