I stumble into work, still drunk from last night. I don’t feel good today. The highway was clogged like my arteries, the coffee made raw sewage seem a rugged-but-preferable alternative, and my windshield wipers stopped working... had to get a bunch of those wipes, smear them on the glass so the water’d drip over. It’s not a huge deal, but dammit it’s time out of my pocket.
There is a definitive reason for my gruff demeanor, however: In a few short minutes, I’m going to have to give some poor sap his walking papers. You’d think I’d be used to it after all these years, but nooooooooo; this is the part of the job I hate. Always will be. How can I look a man in the eye and tell him he’s no longer needed, no longer wanted in the inner circle of warmth? It kills me. Thank god for Susie at home, I--... I wouldn’t make it far without her...
Guess I’d better call him in.
Gumshoe: “Gracy? Gra--... yeah, it’s me. Could you send Armistead Burwell Smith IV in?”
Gracy: “Who?”
Gumshoe: “Sorry, Zach Smith from Pinback, send him in.”
Gracy: “Okay gotcha, put a call in to AFLAC, Ho Chi Minh.”
Gumshoe: “No Gra--... Gracy, I said SEND IN ZACH SMITH, FROM PINBACK.”
Gracy: “Oop, sorry Mr. Shoe! Ha!”
Gumshoe: “Ha. HA! That’s... that’s good.”
[Gumshoe lights a cigarette, takes a labored puff before hurriedly putting it down and shaking Z. Smith’s hand as he walks in. Gumshoe is sweating, Smith is not.]
Smith: You wanted to see me sir?
Gumshoe: Yes Zachary, yes, I--... Well first, how are you doing?
Smith: Good! Just talked to Rob and we’re getting Pinback together for a tour come this month. Also, I just finished the new Systems Officer album. It took awhile to follow up the self-titled EP, but I think I really nailed it!
Gumshoe: See, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve already listened to the Systems Officer deal -- Underslept I think you’re calling it -- and I... well, I don’t like it. I think you’re confusing what your appeal as a solo artist was in the first place. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut you loose, frankly...
Smith: Woah. Gumshoe, WOAH. What happened? You were always such an ardent supporter. Do you really think I’ll have a problem finding other listeners? Another John Q. Mixtaper will pick me up in 5 minutes. What about our history?
Gumshoe: That’s what makes this so hard. The Systems Officer EP showed so much potential I figured we’d coast at least to 2012, and by then the world’s gonna end anyway...
Smith: May I ask why you find Underslept such a misstep?
Gumshoe: Oh Zach, do you really want to go through this? I don’t even know where to start. Underslept, to me, takes the worst elements of Autumn of the Seraphs, which I was already underwhelmed by, and puts them up front. The result is an inferior, overwrought product with few of the addictive melodies I’ve come to expect from you on a daily basis. “Quan” almost had me in its grips, but overall I just... I just...
Smith: Go--... go on...
Gumshoe: I guess I can finally see why you never considered yourself a true solo artist. Do you remember telling me that when I interviewed you back in 03?
Smith: No, I don’t, so many interviews...
Gumshoe: Right, why would you? But yes: There are a lot of isolated, pretty moments -- don’t get me wrong -- but overall, Underslept, ironically, sounds like it doesn’t get up until 2:30 PM every day. It sounds untucked like a wrinkled old flannel shirt; it sounds depressed, but not Blue Screen Life depressed, which would be okay. This is more like “I feel betrayed” depressed. And are you really telling someone to “watch” their back? That’s just... that’s just not you baby, it’s not you.
Smith: I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand.
Gumshoe: Do you?
Smith: No. In fact I have a feeling a few of my fans are going to write you e-mails calling you a “bitter asshole.”
Gumshoe: That’s to be expected. People love your music, and rightfully so. I just feel that, in this uncertain economic climate, solo albums that don’t live up to the mothership -- you know, Pinback, Three Mile Pilot -- just aren’t making a dent like they used to. Times have changed, Zach, and if I didn’t change with them, I’d be running down the street with my balls in a fruit picker’s pail.
Smith: Didn’t you listen to “In This World”? I put a lot of feeling into that one.
Gumshoe: It’s obvious; that’s the one tune here that hit on most cylinders. To be perfectly honest, though, it still isn’t in line with your best work. Too much piano, too much attempted soprano, too much straining. Something’s missin’ baby, something’s missin’.
[The phone rings. I pick it up, mumble a few words, hang up, look around the room as if there are others present.]
Gumshoe: Well Zach, we’re done here. I honestly wish you luck. In fact, when you get the Three Mile Pilot album together, maybe, you know -- I’m just spitballin’ here, but MAYBE -- we can talk about reinstating you. No promises. And you know a new Pinback record is always welcome here...
Zach: Can you... my parking...
Gumshoe: Of course.
1. Pacer
2. East
3. Quan
4. Shape Shifter
5. Oui
6. In This World
7. We Breathe Dust
8. Sand I
9. Sand II
10. Deyos
More about: Systems Officer
