Bryan Ferry’s Handsomeness Pulls Jonny Greenwood and Flea into Its Orbit and Compels Them to Appear on Its Upcoming Record

You can’t sleep. The day has been long and your body is tired, but rest will not relieve you anytime soon. Beautiful, terrible visions have seized your mind. The images are familiar; you’ve seen them before dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. Those bedroom eyes . That cresting coif of chestnut perfection. This song . But why must they torment you now? What is to blame for this glorious torture? And then it strikes you: the last time you were so gripped with insomnia was in June 2007, when this ridiculous record came out. The cosmos speaks to you: “Bryan Ferry’s handsomeness is releasing a new record .”

The visions continue. A man appears faintly on the horizon, but even at such a distance you notice his face is unusually angular. At first glance you’re sure it's The Giant from Twin Peaks, but once the air clears of mist you note that it is in fact Jonny Greenwood , guitarist for the alternative rock group Radiohead. Before you can even muster an “In Rainbows sucked!” at him, a second man comes forward. Wiry and bald, the man is not difficult to place. You know him well from his unforgettable role in 1994’s The Chase, starring Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson. He is Flea, better known to some as the bassist for that stupid funk-punk-hooray-California band. How these two men came into league with Bryan Ferry’s handsomeness, you do not know. But even as they stand before you, motionless and silent, you know that His Handsomeness has willed that they appear in some capacity on his new record. No more than that is revealed. Consciousness fades as you are shepherded into the standard nocturnal brouhaha that you pathetically call dreams.

You wake in the morning and find a single red rose and a signed copy of Avalon waiting on the nightstand. “So it is true,” you think. “Jonny Greenwood, Flea, and Bryan Ferry’s handsome, handsome ass... just what the fuck is this going to be like?”

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