A short, One-Act play entitled: "How Alex Kapranos Accidentally Cock-Blocked Himself; A Cautionary Tale."
Scene: A Basement billiard room in the Franz Ferdinand Glasgow mansion
Alex Kapranos (timidly): Guys, I think I'm ready to ask Eleanor out, finally.
Rest of Franz Ferdinand (spitting out beer and dropping pool cues): Eleanor Freidburger!? Are you daft, man?? She lives in Brooklyn, and we're way over 'ere in Glasgow. It'd never work, mate. Not to mention that weirdo brother of hers! That bloke’s a few sheep shy of a herd, after all! Have you heard the new Fiery Furnaces record?Alex (chalking his pool cue nervously): I know, i know, but I think maybe I can win the old girl over anyway. I just need a... a good opening line! You know, to sweep her off her feet! Her brother’ll never have to know.
The Franz (sarcastically): yeah... well, you work on that, Alex. See ya...
The band exits. Alex takes another swig of the beer bottle he'd been nursing, sits down on a nearby La-Z-Boy, and sighs heavily
Alex (now alone): Okay. Think Alex, think! Just one or two good lines... By Jove! I've got it. Where's the bloody telephone??? Ah, here it is!
Alex leaps up and reaches for his antique, rotary Mickey Mouse telephone and slowly dials the long-distance number
riiiiiiiiiing....... riiiiiiiiiiing.......
Eleanor Freidburger (sleepy): Hello?(Alex clears throat)
Alex Kapranos (with feeling): “Eleanor, put those boots back on.
Kick the heels into the Brooklyn dirt.
I know it isn't dignified to run,
But if you run,
You can run to the Coney Island roller coaster.
Ride to the highest point and leap across the filthy water;
Leap until the Gulf Stream's brought you down...”
(silence)
Alex: Eleanor?? Well, what do you say... Oh, nevermind. You're probably just too busy anyway...Eleanor Freidburger: No, no, Alex! Wait. Actually, that sounds great! I'll be there in November with the band, right after the release of our fifth Fiery Furnaces LP Widow City (TMT Review) via Thrill Jockey! Oh, Alex, I'm so happy! I can't wait to see you! Isn’t that convenient???
(more silence)
Eleanor: Alex? What's wrong, sweetheart??Alex: Wait... you're not going to bring Matthew with you, are you???
THE END
Upcoming UK Dates (much to the chagrin of Alex Kapranos):
