Kid Midnight Emerges From 5 Years of Cryogenic Freezing: “I Can’t Believe That I Live In A World Where Digital Sales Are Higher Than Physical CD Sales!”

Duh.

Atlantic Records made history recently when it became the first major label record to announce that its digital sales were 1% higher than revenue accrued from physical CD sales! For all you mathphobics out there, this means that digital sales earned a whopping 51% of total revenue.

For those of you who have been living in some dark cave, their parents’ basement, or decided to chill out and spend a couple years frozen solid (like me), “MP3s,” as they call them, have steadily been on the rise as the prime format for music storage. Whether it be through legal or illegal means, anyone with half a brain knows that a growing segment of the population, including tech-savvy hipsters and SUV-driving hockey moms alike, have been buying up “MP3 players,” collecting “ringtones,” and “downloading” their music from online sources like “Rhapsody” or, say, “iTunes.”

Warner Music Group announced that their digital revenues rose by 39%, topping out at 639 million doll hairs in the previous fiscal year. Julie Greenwald, president of Atlantic Records, had this to say: “I think we’ve figured [music] out.”

So, what next? Will physical CD sales continue to decline? Does this signal the end of the album? Will the next Ironman movie be as good as the first? Will CDs become a thing of the past, joining vinyl records as a niche market? Will record stores die out only to be replaced by online download stations and boutique clothing shops? Who knows!

Only time will tell where mankind goes from here. Onward and Upwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!!

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