Marilyn Manson returning to release new album, terrify new generation of naive pre-teens

Marilyn Manson returning to release new album, terrify new generation of naive pre-teens

The first time I ever heard of Marilyn Manson was when I was 11 years old. At a sleepover, a friend of mine asked me, “Eric, if you could kill anyone, who would you kill?” I said I didn’t know, but he said that he’d kill this musician named Marilyn Manson, because Marilyn Manson worshiped Satan and, at his shows, forced the audience to kill puppies before he would play. Obviously, that’s the least true thing that anyone has ever related (well, the puppy part, it’s pretty easy and harmless to worship Satan), but 11-year-old me bought it and was henceforth terrified of Marilyn Manson. Ironically, asking someone who they would kill if they could kill any person is definitely how a teenage Marilyn Manson fan would make small talk.

Anyway, Marilyn Manson has a new album called The Pale Emperor coming out January 20. In order to drum up some business for Mr. Manson, I have concocted the following rumors. Marilyn Manson starts every show by punching a nun in the face. Marilyn Manson was the actor who played Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and has engaged in tremendous amounts of surgery to wipe away all resemblance to that child. Marilyn Manson and Tim Burton kissed once in 1989. Marilyn Manson set his genitals on fire in order to simulate having sex with the devil. Marilyn Manson, the real Marilyn Manson, quit the music business in 1998, retreating to a domestic life as a bank teller in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where he lives with his wife and three daughters. The Marilyn Manson that has existed in the public eye after 1998 was a drifter who, through a lengthy series of electroshock therapies, has been convinced that he has always been Marilyn Manson.

The Pale Emperor tracklist:

01. Killing Strangers
02. Deep Six
03. Third Day of a Seven Day Binge
04. The Mephistopheles of Los Angeles
05. Warship My Wreck
06. Slave Only Dreams to Be King
07. The Devil Beneath My Feet
08. Birds of Hell Awaiting
09. Cupid Carries a Gun
10. Odds of Even

• Marilyn Manson:

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