Michael Bay May Want to Greenlight This One: A Live-Action Fraggle Rock Musical to Grace the Silver Screen… and a Zappa Is Involved!

Last weekend while attending an elegant performance from Broken Social Scene, lead singer Kevin Drew went on and on with some rant about the Pope and how pedophiles only listen to Jimmy Buffet. He continued to get the crowd riled up by speaking of Fraggle Rock.

After hearing all of the drunken cheers of the audience, I thought about how cool it would be if someone would make Fraggle Rock into a feature-length film. I later that night prayed to God to make this wish come true. Days later, I discovered that God had made my wish come true, with a little help from Ahmet Zappa (son of... uh...).

Here is the formal letter I have written to God:

Dear God,

I know you're listening to me and answering my prayers. I really appreciate it, dooder. I see that you have answered one of my recent, more outrageous prayers. I also think it is swell and all that you have summoned Ahmet Zappa, son of Frank Zappa, to executive-produce a film about the glorious Fraggles, along with the Henson kids.

See, my problem with this is that I was just really drunk when I asked for this. You know how things seem like a good idea at the time when you're wasted. Remember that time in college? Yeah, exactly.

They want to have the Fraggles venture out of the rock and into the "real world." Yeah, there will be puppets and human actors interacting. This is unnecessarily capitalizing on a commercial success. It would never work for today's audience.

The only miracle that could save this film is if it became an anti-war vehicle and tolerance epic. I can see it now; people won't accept the Fraggles at first. Many men will not share the same urinal as Boober, and women will not know how to interpret the trans-gendered Mokey.

Signs will read: "We Serve Vanilla Coke, But We Don't Serve Fraggles." This will lead up to an all out war between Devendra Banhart and the Fraggles (good) and David Duke and the Gorgs (evil). There will be music, celebration, and most importantly there will be a meaningful lesson that we are all the same deep down inside. Everyone will learn to feast on radishes and "doozer sticks" as one.

Of course, this has all been done before so this will all just be a disaster. Maybe we'll have to wait and see how Transformers does at the box office next summer before we go and ruin my childhood completely.

And for your enjoyment, here is the song that got me into folk music.

Your pal,

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