Remastered Beatles Albums On Sale Now at 7-11, Ralphs, Whole Foods, Restoration Hardware; This Could Finally Be the Big Break Those Hard-Working Mop-Heads from Liverpool Have Been Looking For!

If there’s one thing The Beatles have struggled with throughout their storied existence, it’s reaching out to people in “everyday places.” Sure, you can almost assuredly find a Beatles record in every single place on earth that sells music, and for those places that don’t stock CDs, you’re more than likely to hear the Fab Four piped in through the store’s loudspeakers, whether by the classic quartet themselves or by the multitude of artists who have covered them. Hell, chances are if you walk into the right Tesco in Liverpool you just might meet Ringo Starr working the register. Ah, that’s a bit unfair to say about that particular Beatles drummer. Pete Best probably works there.

But for EMI’s senior vice-president of catalog marketing (uh, wha?) Bill Gagnon, “any and everywhere on the fucking planet” doesn’t quite equal “everyday places.” So in an effort to reach out to the simple folk of the world who wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to procure a Beatles CD, EMI is planning to stock the soon-to-be-released remastered Beatles catalog in a number of retail stores that wouldn’t normally carry musical frisbees, as the people who have never bought a Beatles record call them. Along with CD shilling standard Starbucks , the newly remastered discs will also be available in such mind-boggling locations as 7-11 and Restoration Hardware, as well as supermarkets like Whole Foods, Ralphs, and Pathmark. In the immortally idiotic words of EMI SVPoCM Bill Gagnon, “It will allow us to reach the everyday places people shop… We’re bringing the music to where they are.”

Hey EMI and surviving Beatles, you know how else you can “bring the music to where everyday people] are?” Release your fucking music [digitally , you clods! Feel free to rebuy some of the most celebrated pop music of all time today while you’re shopping for shoe polish and cat food. And hey, while you’re at it, buy Beatles Rock Band, too, because it’s out today too. Or don’t do any of that that and just save your money and go to law school like your parents always wanted. They’ll be so proud!

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