RIAA and NAB mull peace treaty, ask Congress to put FM radios into cell phones. But why stop at cell phones??

RIAA and NAB mull peace treaty, ask Congress to put FM radios into cell phones. But why stop at cell phones??

There has been a bitter war between the armies of music and radio. The taxes that the Recording Industry Army of America (RIAA) demand of radio duchies across the country remains a contentious enough issue to have the National Army of Broadcasters (NAB) strike at them at every opportunity, and neither side has been willing to give in to the argument fully. With their plans for inward expansion on each others’ small kingdoms at a standstill, they look outward and see vast amounts of territory around them, territory they once knew and loved but now filled with the unclean and ignorant masses that were once called “potential listeners.”

All these wretches are different, except for one common feature: They wield this new fancy device they call a cellular telephone, one that can receive the same “radio waves” that once powered their great empires cooperatively. Many also wield the small clockwork device known as the “MP3 player,” which is equally capable, though often not equipped, to receive these airwaves. Realizing the potential of restoring their golden age and the mutually-assured destruction of their continued campaigns, Marshal Mitch Bainwol of the RIAA sued for peace with the NAB, with an offer: In return for an arbitrary annual sum (a paltry $100 million), they would unite their armies and lay siege on the League of Nations U.S. Congress, demanding that these new “cell phones” and other portable clockwork devices have a chip inside that would play their radio waves. The NAB has not yet agreed to all the details, but according to Lt. General Dennis Wharton, if they agree to this treaty, implementing the chips into these devices “in possible legislation would be a reasonable idea.”

It is, in fact, a brilliant idea.

That said, a small militia that supposedly defends the rights of cell phone and MP3 artisans, known as the Consumer Electronics Army (CEA), have blasted the plans of the proposed Nabriaan Grand Army. General Peter Shapiro of the CEA complained that the maneuver is the “height of absurdity,” and that the two armies “act like buggy-whip industries that refuse to innovate and seek to impose penalties on those that do.” The rabblerouser even remarked that it was “not in our national interest.” But what does he know? Lt. Gen. Wharton remarked that the CEA “always opposes new rules” that serve them and the nation best. It is not an invasion; it is a mere re-civilizing of the masses, giving them, as Lt. Gen. Wharton remarks, “lifeline information” in case of a real invasion.

But why stop at “cell phones?” Surely, we can go further than that to “re-civilize” the poor and the wretched. We can implement radios on these new adding machines they call “computers,” or lights or clocks! Maybe even implementing them as the sounds you hear when you are ringing someone on the telephone or while you are placed on hold. We can go further with microwaves and toasters, perhaps even lamps! If the Nabriaan Grand Army is to truly regain its empire, then its struggle must continue until the misguided creatures around it shall have their ears bathed in enough sound to cause their vision to be cleared, to have them understand that not only is resistance useless, but that those whom they may hold as enemies have no purpose except to consecrate them to capitalism and liberty, and to open them to a way to happiness.

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