People say miracles don’t happen anymore. But that’s not true. This is some Moses parting the Red Sea shit here. This is some Jesus feeding 10,000 people from an ever-multiplying few rolls of bread and fish or whatever. This is like that movie where a maaaaagical reindeer gets lost from the North Pole and mends a broken family again. (That’s how that movie went, right? I mean, one assumes.) This is… the TRUE STORY of Ticketmaster reaching a settlement in the 2009 class action lawsuit filed against the money-sucking behemoth by a few customers who were like, “stop charging me $19 in ticket fees on a ticket that cost $32 originally.” (In other words, the plaintiffs rightly claimed that Ticketmaster inflated online fees exclusively to make some mad dough.)
Okay, so it’s not quite a reindeer/Moses/Jesus-level miracle. It’s more of an “I found a parking spot at Whole Foods without circling the f**king parking lot for 15 minutes” kind of miracle. A “yessssss, the cashier at Chipotle forgot to charge me for guacamole” kind of miracle. But it’s something, innit? So now Ticketmaster is going to pay out $400 million to customers who bought tickets online between 1999-2013… but it’s like this. The company is willing to issue 161 million $2.25 credits and up to 4.9 million $5 credits, but people have to spend money to redeem these credits and OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. If less than $10.5 million is redeemed within a year, Ticketmaster will throw a pizza party for users or something. (Actually they will make some events free for lawsuit participants. USA! USA!)
