U.S. Air Guitar Championship Kicks Off; I Practice Naked and It Becomes Mistaken for an Unmentionable Act by My Mother

Back in high school, I wrote for the school paper. I was given a whole page to create, so I thought up some bullshit stories. After doing some "research," I discovered the serious reality of the U.S. Air Guitar Championship. I got kicked off of the paper not too long after, and I realized that my destiny was to write superfluous stories with halfway believable information. If I didn't move on to college, I most likely would have gone the air guitar route, but not to say none of these people have any integrity.

You might find yourself wondering whether this is real or not, and a select few may even be wondering what air guitar is. If you are, you've been living in a vagina your whole life. Air guitar has been around since Adam and Eve and most importantly helped launch the careers of Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in the god-fearing film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Now, treading back on what I just wrote, Alex Winter's career as I speak is most likely along the lines of being a judge or performing at the U.S. Air Guitar Championship... maybe even working at Jack-in-the-Box. (Sorry, I like you, Alex Winter, but I admire Jack-in-the-Box more.)

I would most likely attend the competition in hopes to see Bill S. Preston, Esq. battle an imaginary axe against the dude who played Death in the sequel, but odds are that many of us are wondering if this amusing idea is transferable to a blood-thirsty audience. I guess you'll have to go find out for yourself when the U.S. Air Guitar Championship goes on a 14-city tour to the likes of Chicago, Austin, Boston, New York City, Washington D.C., and Los Angeles. The U.S. tournament will end when the winners from each city are flown to NYC to fight for their right to look like a complete jackass. And just when you thought that was enough sexellent* action, the final U.S. winner will advance to Finland for the world championships against 13 other countries.

It's too late to enter, but you can still play crotch guitar along with the others. You might as well show your support and live out your Bill and Ted fantasy with the others. However, to make this story relatable, I am just like you. In high school (or last month), I was caught by my mom playing air guitar naked in her bathroom. She thought I was masturbating, but really I was doing a naked rendition of Def Leppard's "Photograph." If naked air guitar isn't your thing, you can also try and catch the documentary Air Guitar Nation, which opened March 23, at a hipster theater near you. But if naked air guitar is, in fact, your thing, then please remember that an erection is no Gibson. Be safe.

Here are the U.S. dates. Enjoy!

* Sexellent is the new word I use. Get used to it.

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