Some crazy shit happened again this year. So what am I gonna do, write a commemorative Time annual? Fuck no. Time sucks ass. Anyway, I write for the new and improved Tiny Mix Tapes. And so, in the interest of propagating the name of my favorite internet media source, as well as shedding light on several events and issues you or may not be aware of, here is my 2nd annual year-in-review mix tape:
01. Neutral Milk Hotel – “The King Of Carrot Flowers Pts. Two & Three” (In The Aeroplane Over The Sea)
Pop hip-hop jumps the shark again this year when Kanye West decides to court pointless controversy by posing for the cover of the culturally irrelevant Rolling Stone with a crown of thorns and a caption reading “The Passion of Kanye.” The mainstream inches that much closer to Waco.
02. Johnny Cash – “The One on The Right Is On The Left” (Everybody Loves A Nut)
Liberal MP and serial Canadian nugget-muncher David Emerson is elected on the back of such comments as “I will be [Conservative] Stephen Harper's worst enemy.” Two weeks later, Emerson crosses the floor and takes a cabinet seat on Prime Minister Harper's right. Months of mass protests do nothing to bring about justice. The illusion of democracy is taken down yet another peg.
03. Paris – “Bush Killa” (Sleeping With The Enemy)
King George II's approval rating limps on the thirties all year. Mid-term elections see the Democrats taking back the house and the senate. Ding-dong, the wicked witch better watch her ass.
04. Syd Barrett – “Octopus” (Madcap Laughs)
Mutant and psychedelic-folk god Syd Barrett passes away. As per his wishes, his body is melted down and his base chemicals are used to make a batch of sunshine acid.
05. The Beatles – “Fool on The Hill” (Magical Mystery Tour)
Stephen Colbert (Daily Show, Strangers with Candy) is invited as the chief entertainment at the White House Press Correspondents dinner. He seizes the opportunity to destroy everyone in the room, including President Bush himself, who sits within striking distance. While none of the major news sources even mention he was there, the internet proves it to be one of the funniest things to happen this year. Yes, even funnier than Borat.
06. John Denver – “Rocky Mountain High” (Rocky Mountain High)
Veteran Yankee pitcher and rookie pilot Cory Lidle makes the JFK Jr. mistake and crashes his plane into a New York apartment building. With the thoughts of terrorist attacks fleeting, the first question on everybody's lips is, “Why couldn't it have been Alex Rodriguez?” He could have afforded it.
07. Slum Village – “Raise It Up” (Fantastic, Vol 2)
J Dilla passes away due to a heart attack caused by lupus. While people come out of the woodwork to remember the enigmatic beatsmith, the majority of the planet still doesn't know what lupus is. That's the real tragedy here. Go look it up so that he may not have died in vain, will ya? His mom started a charity.
08. Survivor – “Eye Of The Tiger” (Eye Of The Tiger)
The citizens of Hercules, California make history by voting to keep Wal-Mart from entering its economic community and gutting the town from the inside out. Take that, ticky-tacky.
09. The Brian Jonestown Massacre – “Wasted Away” (Strung Out In Heaven)
Evanescence's “The Open Door” goes platinum one month after its release. This is undeniable evidence the education systems of North America need more funding than the military.
10. The Bee Gees – “Jive Talkin'” (Main Course)
Venezuelan savior President Hugo Chavez holds up Noam Chomsky's Hegemony Or Survival at the UN General Assembly during a typical “Bush is the devil” speech. Over night, the book goes from total obscurity to the number one selling book on Amazon.com. Word.
11. Non-Prophets - “Mainsteam 307” (Hope)
Banksy invades UK record stores with 500 doctored copies of Paris Hilton's mind-numbing debut CD. Featuring such captions as “why am I famous” and “every CD you buy puts me further out of your league,” this is the second-finest work ever to grace her name…her night-cam porn being the first, natch.
12. Sloan – “Sinking Ships” (4 Night At The Palais Royale)
White House press secretary Scott McClellan can no longer support the shit stream and steps down. Several months later, Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld resigns. Not even the finest euphemisms can fog the vision of rats fleeing a sinking ship.
13. Mark Farina – “Betcha Do” (Air Farina)
Still no real progress is made in the Iraq war. No one knows why they're there while SUVs outsell hybrids 23 to one. Hmmm…
14. Blood, Sweat & Tears – “Spinning Wheel” (S/T)
Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death on charges of crimes against humanity. This marks the first time a dictator is charged as such in the country his crimes occurred. Bush's trial date in Texas has yet to be set.
15. Steam – “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)” (Self-Titled)
Overcompensating castrato Justin Hawkins quits his day job as designated spandexer for The Darkness. As the hair metal revival begins its slow return to hell, rock starts to grow its balls back. Hooray for balls!
16. Jello Biafra & The Melvins – “Lessons In What Not To Become” (Seig Howdy!)
The Black Eyed Peas embark on the Honda Civic Tour. They officially cannot possibly sell out any more.
17. Black Flag – “Beat My Head Against the Wall”
After a Danish newspaper caused controversy in late 2005 by printing critical cartoons of the Islamic prophet Muhammad, Comedy Central avoids it by censoring the American right to free speech. Yes, usurping the first amendment is as easy as blacking out and muting any image of the Islamic prophet on the South Park episode “Cartoon Wars Part II,” a two-part episode parody of the whole situation. However, Muhammad had already appeared in the 2001 episode “Super Best Friends” and had been a part of the show's opening credits since season 10. Aren't those execs just so consistently moral?
18. Atmosphere – “Fuck You Lucy” (God Loves Ugly)
Reese Witherspoon wins best supporting actress for her role in Walk the Line. The apocalypse starts waving flags.
19. Pink Floyd – “Another Brick In The Wall Part 2” (The Wall)
The Republican senate approves a 370-mile fence to be built along the Mexican-US border. The Mongolian hordes mount up in preparation for the inevitable sieges.
20. War – “Why Can't We Be Friends?” (Why Can't We Be Friends)
Lebanon pokes Israel. Then Israel hammers Lebanon, killing over 1,500 innocent citizens and displacing 900,000 more. But, since there are no white people involved, it doesn't count as terrorism and the Bush administration stays out of it completely. Weird.
21. Blanche – “So Long Cruel World” (If We Can't Trust The Doctors…)
Steve Irwin, known to most as The Crocodile Hunter, is killed in the line of duty. Few people outside of Australia realize what a truly selfless man he was and just how important he was to the environmental movement. This was one of the year's biggest losses.
22. The Undisputed Truth – “Ball Of Confusion (That's What The World Is)” (S/T)
Dave Chappelle's Block Party, a DVD shot by Michael Gondry (and dedicated to J Dilla), is released to an expectedly warm reception. The comedy/documentary features Dave spending the money Comedy Central paid him off with to throw a free party in NY for people who otherwise couldn't afford such a thing. This is the kind of positive cultural happening money usually destroys. Plus, he reunited The Fugees.
(Note: the opinions of Filmore do not necessarily reflect those of TMT, obviously)